WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!

歡迎回來，各位!

LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.

讓我們向JON BATISTE問好。

HEY, JON!

嘿，喬恩！

>> Jon: WHAT'S HAPPENING?

>> 喬恩，發生了什麼事？

YOU GOT TO GET IT IN.

你一定要得到它。

>> Stephen: I LIKE THAT SHIRT A LOT.

>> 史蒂芬：我很喜歡那件襯衫。

>> Jon: THIS IS A GOOD VIBE.

>> 喬恩：這是一個良好的氛圍。

IT FEELS LIKE FALL.

感覺像秋天。

IT'S GREAT.

這是偉大的。

>> Stephen: YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT GOOD VIBE, I SPENT THE

>> 史蒂芬：你想聽好的氛圍，我花了一整年的時間去聽。

MORNING TALKING TO PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA.

早晨與總統奧巴馬談話。

>> Jon: WOW.

>> 喬恩。WOW.

>> Stephen: I WAS DOWN IN NICE TO SEE YOU TALKING TO HIM.

>> 史蒂芬：我在好心人那裡看到你在和他說話。

THAT IS A GOOD VIBE.

這是一個良好的氛圍。

HE SEEMS GOOD, HAPPY, RELAXED.

他看起來很好，快樂，放鬆。

>> Jon: OH, WOW.

>> 喬恩。Oh, WOW.

HE'S GOT A LOT ON HIS PLATE.

他的盤子裡有很多東西。

THE BOOK, YOU KNOW.

這本書，你知道的。

>> Stephen: THE BOOK'S DONE.

>> 史蒂芬：書已經完成了。

>> Jon: RIGHT.

>> 喬恩。右邊。

>> Stephen: ObamaCare DIDN'T GET TOSSED OUT BY THE SUPREME

>> Stephen:奧巴馬醫保沒有被最高法院否決。

COURT.

法院：

HIS GUY IS GOING TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT.

他的傢伙將是下一任總統。

HE'S GOT A SPRING IN HIS STEP, I TELL YOU THAT.

我告訴你，他的腳步充滿了活力

>> Jon: WOW.

>> 喬恩。WOW.

HOW WAS THE CONVERSATION?

談話如何？

>> Stephen: FAR-RANGING, LIGHT, DEEP, IT HAD IT ALL.

>> Stephen:遠，光，深，它的一切。

I DON'T KNOW HOW WE'RE GOING TO FIT IT INTO A SHOW.

我不知道我們要怎麼把它融入到節目中去。

MAYBE WE'LL DO TWO SHOWS.

也許我們會做兩場演出。

MAYBE WE'LL DO AN EXTRA SHOW WITH IT.

也許我們會用它做一個額外的節目。

>> Jon: THAT'S WHAT I WOULD SAY.

>> 喬恩。這就是我想說的。

THAT'S ONE TO HAVE THE GREATEST LIVING HUMANS.

這就是一個擁有最偉大的生命的人類。

YOU'VE GOT TO SHOWCASE IT ALL.

你必須展示這一切。

WE NEED TO HEAR IT.

我們需要聽到它。

>> Stephen: JO JON, WE PLAYED WASTE BASKETBALL, YOU KNOW THE

>> Stephen:JO JON，我們打的是垃圾籃球，你知道的。

BALL PAPER AND CHUTE.

球紙和丘特。

>> Stephen: HE'S GOT THE LEFT-HANDED J.

>> Stephen:他有左手的J。

>> Jon: HE DOES.

>> 喬恩。他是這樣做的。

YOU'VE GOT TO STICK AROUND FOR THE GAME.

你必須堅持比賽。

.>> Jon: WHO WON?

.>> 喬恩：WHO WON？

>> Stephen: I CAN'T GIVE THAT AWAY!

>> 史蒂芬：我不能把它送出去!

LET'S SAY WE DID WAGER.

讓我們說，我們做的WAGER。

>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.

>> 喬恩。YEAH，YEAH。

I REMEMBER WHEN YOU PLAYED THAT WITH STEF AND YOU GOT A J.

我記得你和STEF玩這個遊戲時，你得到了一個J。

I KNOW YOU GOT SOMETHING ON YOU WITH THE SOCKS AND THE BUCKET.

我知道你的襪子和釦子有問題。

>> Stephen: WHEN THE CAMERA TURNS ON AND THE ADRENALINE

>> 史蒂芬: 當攝影機打開，ADRENALINE的聲音響起時。

FLOWS, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE, JON YOU KNOW THAT.

一切都有可能，喬恩，你知道嗎？

>> Jon: YEAH, I'LL PUT YOU ON THE FREE-THROW LINE FOR THE

>> 喬恩。是的，我把你放在免費投籃線上，為的是什麼？

TECH.

TECH.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU GOT ANYTHING

（笑） >> 斯蒂芬：你有什麼事嗎？

COMING UP FOR THE HOLIDAYS?

假期來臨？

ANYTHING FOR THANKSGIVING?

有什麼感恩節的禮物嗎？

ANYTHING THAT PUTS YOU IN THE AUTUMNAL MOOD THAT MATCHES YOUR

任何能讓你進入年度情緒的東西，符合你的情緒。

SHIRT?

SHIRT？

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

>> Jon: OH, YEAH, YOU KNOW, THE --

>> 喬恩：哦，是的，你知道，... ...

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

>> Stephen: NOW I WANT TO GO FOR A WALK IN CENTRAL PARK.

>> 史蒂芬：現在我想去中央公園散步。

JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

JON BATISTE，每個人。

THANK YOU, JON.

謝謝你，喬恩。

>> Jon: THANK YOU.

>> 喬恩。謝謝你。

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPENT A LOT OF TIME TRAINING ON

>> 你知道，夥計們，我花了很多時間來訓練。

THE MIGHTY STEED OF NEWS, DONNING

新聞的強大動力，DONNING

THE DAY'S MOST TOPICAL ARMOR, AND SHARPENING THE LANCE OF

當天最熱門的武器，以及銳意進取的鋒芒。

SATIRE FOR THE MEDIEVAL ROYAL JOUSTING TOURNAMENT THAT IS MY

為MEDIEVAL ROYAL JOUSTING TOURNAMENT（這是我的）的SATIRE。

MONOLOGUE.

獨白：

BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I DOWN A 40 OF BOURBON, RUN NAKED IN THE

但偶爾，我也會喝下40毫升的波旁酒，然後裸奔在街上。

PALE MOONLIGHT TO THE FARM TWO TOWNS OVER, AND STEAL A BABY

淡淡的月光，到農場兩個城鎮，和偷一個孩子。

PONY TO STAGE THE FULL-FRONTAL ONE-MAN AMATEUR PRODUCTION OF

小馬哥將上演全正面單人業餘製作的《小馬哥》。

EQUUS OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

EQUUS的新聞，這是我的部門。

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♪ ♪

>> QUARANTINE WHILE!

>> QUARANTINE WHYLE!

>> Stephen: I DON'T ALWAYS READ THESE AHEAD OF TIME.

>> 史蒂芬：我並不總是在時間之前閱讀這些。

IN THIS SCENARIO AM I HAVING SEX WITH A PONY?

在這個場景中，我是在和小馬做愛嗎？

IT'S A BABY PONY.

它是一隻小馬駒。

VERY UPSETTING.

非常令人不安的。

I DO NOT APPROVE THAT INTRO, BUT I DID ENJOY IT.

我不贊成那個介紹，但我很喜歡。

QUARANTINE-WHIILE, LET'S GET STRAIGHT TO THE QUESTION

QUARANTINE-WHIILE，讓我們直接進入問題。

EVERYONE IS ASKING TODAY: HAS SEX PISTOLS STAR JOHN LYDON BEEN

今天大家都在問："性手槍 "明星約翰-萊頓是否已經被 "性 "了？

BITTEN BY A FLEA ON HIS PENIS AFTER BEFRIENDING SQUIRRELS?

在和松鼠交朋友後，陰莖上被飛鳥咬傷？

GOOD NEWS: SEX PISTOL STAR JOHN LIEDEN WAS

好消息：性手槍明星約翰-李登是一個。

BITTEN ON HIS PENIS AFTER BEFRIENDING THE SQUIRRELS.

咬在他的陰莖後，朋友的松鼠。

IT SEEMS THE FLEA NEVER MINDED THE BOLLOCKS, AND WENT STRAIGHT

看來飛鳥根本就沒在意那些木塊，直接就走了。

FOR THE SEX PISTOL.

為性手槍。

GOD SAVE THE PEEN.

上帝保佑小便。

LYDON IS RECOVERING WELL, AND AUTHORITIES HAVE RELEASED THIS

LYDON恢復得很好，當局已經發布了這個

PHOTO OF THE SUSPECTED PENIS-BITING FLEA.

疑似陰莖咬傷飛毛腿的照片。

QUARANTINE-WHILE, JUST IN TIME FOR THANKSGIVING, "PERDUE HAS

誇誇其談--雖然，恰好趕上感恩節，"PERDUE HAS"。

RELEASED A LIMITED-TIME-ONLY ITEM CALLED "THANKSNUGGETS."

發佈了一款名為 "THANKSNUGGETS "的限量商品。

IT'S PERFECT FOR ANYONE SPENDING THIS THANKSGIVING ALONE,

它非常適合任何人獨自度過這個感恩節。

WONDERING, "HOW CAN I MAKE THIS SADDER?"

想知道，"我怎麼才能讓這個悲傷的人？"

ALSO, PRO TIP, DON'T GIVE YOUR PRODUCT A NAME THAT

另外，提示，不要給你的產品起一個名字，讓你的產品有一個好的名字。

AUTOMATICALLY SOUNDS LIKE SARCASM.

自動聽起來像SARCASM。

THANKS, NUGGETS.

謝謝，NUGGETS。

THERE ARE TWO FLAVORS OF THANKS, NUGGETS: ONE INCLUDES

有兩種口味的感謝，NUGGETS：一個包括。

DARK TURKEY MEAT BLENDED WITH A CRANBERRY SAUCE AND STUFFING

黑火雞肉配紅莓醬和餡料

FLAVOR, AND ONE FEATURES WHITE TURKEY MEAT "INSPIRED" BY

味道，其中一款以白火雞肉為 "靈感"。

THE FLAVOR OF SWEET POTATO.

甜洋芋的味道。

"INSPIRED" BY ACTUAL FOOD? OKAY, PICASSO.

由實際食物 "啟發"？好吧，PICASSO。

(AS ARTIST) "AND OVER HERE YOU'LL SEE MY

（作為藝術家）"在這裡你會看到我的。

NUGGETS THAT ARE LOOSELY INSPIRED BY THE CONCEPT OF

靈感來自於 "概念 "的零食。

CHICKEN.

雞：

THEY INCLUDE AN HOMAGE TO NUTRITION AND OF COURSE A NOD TO

它們包括對營養的敬意，當然也包括對營養的點贊。

PROTEIN, BUT THE MEDIUM IS PRIMARILY SALT MIXED WITH

蛋白質，但中間主要是鹽與蛋白質的混合。

OIL AND BREAD CRUMBS."

油和麵包屑。"

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "FLORIDA OFFICIALS HAVE PROPOSED CULLING

QUARANTINE-WHILE，"佛羅里達州官員已經提出了收集

THEIR INVASIVE PYTHON POPULATION BY EATING THEM."

他們的侵略性蟒蛇的人口通過吃它們。"

THE ONLY THING THAT SURPRISES ME ABOUT THIS STORY IS THAT

這個故事唯一讓我吃驚的是：

FLORIDIANS WEREN'T "ALREADY" EATING PYTHONS.

佛羅里達人並沒有 "已經 "吃蟒蛇。

UNTIL NOW, FLORIDA'S FISH AND WILDLIFE COMMISSION HAS

到目前為止，佛羅里達州的魚類和野生動物委員會已經

DISAPPROVED OF EATING THE INVASIVE PYTHONS BECAUSE

不贊成吃侵略性的蟒蛇，因為...。

"A DECADE-OLD STUDY FOUND EVERGLADES NATIONAL PARK PYTHONS

"十年前的研究發現EVERGLADES國家公園的蟒蛇。

CARRIED ALARMING AMOUNTS OF MERCURY, A NEUROTOXIN THAT CAN

攜帶了令人震驚的汞，這是一種神經毒素，能使人興奮。

IMPAIR BRAIN FUNCTIONING."

影響大腦功能。"

AGAIN...

再一次...

ARE WE "SURE" FLORIDIANS HAVEN'T ALREADY BEEN EATING THESE

我們 "確定 "佛羅里達人還沒吃過這些東西嗎？

SNAKES.

蛇：

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A STATE THAT KEEPS ELECTING A MAN WHO IS

我們正在談論一個州，繼續選舉一個人，他是。

CLEARLY PART PYTHON.

明顯是部分PYTHON。

HE WILL UNHINGE HIS JAW!

他要解開他的爪子！

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN MOVIE NEWS, IT HAS JUST BEEN REVEALED THAT

QUARANTINE--雖然，在電影新聞中，它剛剛被揭示，

"MAHERSHALA ALI REFUSED TO DO A SEX SCENE IN 'BENJAMIN BUTTON'."

"MAHERSHALA ALI拒絕在《本傑明-鈕釦》中拍性愛鏡頭"

BUT THE WEIRD PART IS HE: HE FILMED THE MOVIE, "THEN" REFUSED

但奇怪的是他：他拍了電影，"然後 "拒絕了。

TO DO THE SEX SCENE, AND "THEN" AUDITIONED, AND THEN WAS

做性愛的場景，"然後 "試聽，然後被

A BABY.

一個嬰兒。

NEVER SEEN IT.

從來沒有見過。

QUARANTINE-WHILE, BEAR ATTACKS HAVE REACHED A FIVE YEAR HIGH IN

JAPAN, BUT ONE AREA HAS A NOVEL SOLUTION: THE JAPANESE

日本，但有一個地區有一個新的解決方案：日本人。

ISLAND OF HOKKAIDO HAS CALLED IN A 'MONSTER WOLF' TO SCARE OFF

ホカイドの島は、「怪狼」を召集することがあります。

WILD BEAR," HERE IT IS IN ACTION:

"野熊"，這裡是它的行動。

NOW THAT'S A HAPPY STORY.

現在，這是一個快樂的故事。

THIS MONSTER WOLF HAS BEEN LOOKING FOR WORK EVER SINCE HE

這隻怪狼從一開始就一直在找工作

GOT KICKED OUT OF THE CHUCK E.

被踢出了 "CHUCK E"。

CHEESE BAND FOR MURDERING HIS METH DEALER.

謀殺他的毒品販子的奶酪樂隊。

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN WHAT COULD GO WRONG NEWS, "SCIENTISTS MADE

在什麼會出錯的新聞中，"科學家做了什麼？

MONKEY BRAINS DOUBLE IN SIZE BYSPLICING THEM WITH HUMAN

猴腦與人腦分體，使其大小增加一倍。

GENES."

GENES。"

COME ON!

來吧！

WE'VE MADE MOVIE AFTER MOVIE ABOUT HOW THIS ENDS BADLY.

我們已經拍了一部又一部關於這個結局的電影。

"JURASSIC PARK," "THE FLY," ALL THE "PLANET OF THE APES"

"侏羅紀公園"，"蒼蠅"，所有的 "人猿星球"。

MOVIES, HAVE YOU NOT SEEN "EX MONKEY-NA?!"

電影，你沒看過 "EX MONKEY-NA "嗎？

IT'S GOOD. A MAZING WHAT THEY DID ON THAT

這很好。他們在那上面做的事情很了不起

BUDGET.

BUDGET：

AFTER EXPERIMENTING WITH THE -- I'M GETTING WEIRD MIXTURE OF

在經歷了與... 我得到了奇怪的混合的後，

FEELINGS LOOKING AT THAT MONKEY.

看著那隻猴子的感覺。

AFTER ALL, WE HEARD WHAT I DID WITH THE PONY AT THE BEGINNING

畢竟，我們聽到了我一開始對小馬做的事。

OF THIS.

的這。

I DON'T KNOW HOW THE ACT IS PAINTING ME.

我不知道表演是怎麼畫我的。

AFTER EXPERIMENTING WITH THE MONKEYS' GENES "THEY FOUND THAT

在對猴子的基因進行實驗後，"他們發現

THE PRIMATES' BRAINS SOON BECAME MORE HUMAN-LIKE."

靈長類動物的大腦很快就變得更像人類了。"

SO MONKEYS CAN NOW FEEL WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE HUMAN.

所以猴子現在可以感受到做人的感覺。

IN FACT, ONE MONKEY BECAME SO HUMAN LIKE THAT SHE BOUGHT A

事實上，有一隻猴子變得如此人性化，以至於她買了一隻猴子。

PELOTON TO HELP HER GET THROUGH HER DIVORCE.

幫助她度過離婚的難關。

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH GLENN CLOSE.

我們馬上回來與格倫關閉。