That's the way to lay it down.

這才是放下的方式。

(audience cheering)

（觀眾歡呼）

(hands drum)

（手鼓）

All right.

好吧，我知道了

We got a big show tonight.

我們今晚有一場大戲。

I can't waste a lot of time tonight.

我今晚不能浪費很多時間。

A lot of, you know,

很多，你知道的。

most evenings on this program,

在這個節目中，大多數晚上。

I waste a ton of time making faces

我浪費了很多時間做鬼臉

and (gurgles).

和（咕嚕）。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Tonight, I can't really do that too much.

今晚，我真的不能做的太多。

We've got too much show,

我們有太多的節目。

too much good show.

太多的好戲。

And I want to talk about something right away,

而且我想馬上談點事情。

here on the program.

這裡的程序。

Most people don't know this,

大多數人不知道這一點。

but I'm a pretty fashion-conscious guy.

但我是一個相當時尚的傢伙。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Seriously, I love fashion.

說真的，我喜歡時尚。

Fashion, it's my life, you can tell.

時尚，是我的生活，你可以告訴我。

So, I was really excited,

所以，我真的很興奮。

a couple of months ago,

幾個月前。

when Isaac Mizrahi,

當艾薩克-米茲拉希。

the famous fashion designer,

著名的時裝設計師。

came on our program.

來到了我們的節目中。

Very excited to meet this guy,

很高興見到這個傢伙。

talk to him,

和他說話。

but look at what happened

但看看現在的情況

just seconds into the interview.

採訪剛開始幾秒鐘。

Take a look at this.

看看這個。

We have the cheesiest show tonight.

我們今晚的節目是最爛的

There's a microphone on your tie.

你的領帶上有個麥克風。

Yes, yes exactly, yeah.

是的，是的，沒錯，是的。

[Isaac] You call that a tie,

[以撒]你說這是平局。

what you call a tie.

你叫什麼領帶。

What I call a tie?

我所謂的領帶？

No, I'm sorry, I can't resist.

不，對不起，我忍不住了。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

He went on to say,

他接著說：

that he thought my tie was just crap.

他認為我的領帶只是廢話。

That's pretty much what he said,

他也是這麼說的。

in his polite,

在他的客氣中。

kind of fashion designer way.

一種時裝設計師的方式。

But he totally ripped apart my tie

但他把我的領帶完全撕開了

and said that he watches the show

並表示，他看節目

and he thinks all my ties are bad.

他認為我所有的領帶都是壞的。

It was a humiliating experience for me.

這對我來說是一次屈辱的經歷。

It took, I was crushed.

它花了，我被擊垮了。

(audience moans)

（觀眾呻吟）

Thank you.

謝謝你了

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I'm glad we have a

我很高興我們有一個

blinking show pity sign.

閃爍著顯示可憐的跡象。

Anyway.

總之...

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

No, I was really upset

不，我真的很不高興

that Isaac Mizrahi hated my tie,

Isaac Mizrahi討厭我的領帶。

so I got very depressed

所以我很鬱悶

for a long time.

長久以來。

Then, last week,

然後，上週。

Isaac called me up.

艾薩克打電話給我。

He asked me if he could take me

他問我他能不能帶我去

shopping for ties at Barneys.

在Barneys買領帶。

(audience cheers)

（觀眾歡呼聲）

That's the famous New York department store

這就是著名的紐約百貨公司

and I was like,

我很喜歡。

wait a minute,

等一下

this guy knows ties,

這傢伙知道領帶。

I'll do it.

我會做的

I'll go with him.

我和他一起去。

He even let us take one

他還讓我們拿了一個

of our own cameras along.

我們自己的相機的沿。

Take a look.

看看吧

(upbeat music)

(歡快的音樂)

We're here at Barneys,

我們在Barneys。

we're gonna go tie shopping, right?

我們要去買領帶，對吧？

We're gonna buy ties.

我們要去買領帶。

What about this?

那這個呢？

No.

不知道

This is me going for it.

這是我要去的。

Really, that's the problem.

真的，這就是問題所在。

Isn't the point

這不是重點嗎？

to just go for it? Uh uh.

只是去為它？呃，呃。

Not that way,

不是這樣的。

you're not going to do it

你不會做的

looking that way.

往那邊看。

I say go for it.

我說去吧。

I say like just grab life

我說像只是抓住生活

and go for it.

並去做。

You do?

你有嗎？

Not this tie.

不是這條領帶。

Who makes this tie?

這條領帶是誰做的？

It's Paul Smith.

這是保羅-史密斯。

This is Paul Smith.

我是保羅-史密斯.

I'll make up an even better name.

我會編一個更好的名字。

Go ahead.

去吧

Jean B.

Jean B．

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Jean B., there you go.

Jean B.，給你。

Who made this tie?

這條領帶是誰做的？

Jean B.

Jean B．

You see that?

你看到了嗎？

Guillermo Jean B.

Guillermo Jean B.

Ask me who made my tie.

問我是誰做的領帶。

Who made your tie?

誰給你打的領帶？

It's Guillermo Jean B.

我是吉列爾莫-讓-B

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Paolo Jean B.

Paul Jean B.

Ask me one more time.

再問我一次。

Who made your tie?

誰給你打的領帶？

I told you like five times,

我告訴過你五次了

what's your problem? (audience laughs)

什麼是你的問題？（觀眾笑）

Oh look.

哦，看。

Oh look. That's a motif.

哦，看。那是一個圖案。

Christmas.

聖誕節。

You see that?

你看到了嗎？

With not very many presents under the tree.

在樹下沒有多少禮物的情況下。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

[Isaac] No, that's depressing.

[以撒]不，這是令人沮喪的。

And look at that, that's like,

你看，這就像。

[Isaac] An orphanage.

[以撒]一個孤兒院。

A lonely alcoholic's Christmas.

一個孤獨的酒鬼的聖誕節。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

(upbeat music)

(歡快的音樂)

Really nice.

真的很不錯。

Okay, that's a deep,

好吧，這是一個深。

that's a purple I hate it.

這是一個紫色的，我討厭它。

I hate it.

我討厭它。

Now that you get it on it's own,

現在，你得到了它自己。

it's horrible.

這是可怕的。

You like things from afar,

你喜歡遠方的東西。

but then when you get close.

但當你接近時，

That's the thing.

這就是問題所在。

Oh my God, what if you ever like,

哦，我的上帝，如果你曾經喜歡。

had a, you know, child

有一個，你知道，孩子

and was like, "Oh my baby, I love you, I love,

並說："哦，我的寶貝，我愛你，我愛。

ew, I hate you!"

ew，我恨你！"

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

You should get glasses

你應該戴上眼鏡

that make everybody appear

譁眾取寵

that they are 15 feet away.

他們是15英尺遠。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

(upbeat music)

(歡快的音樂)

That's a gayish thing.

這是一個同志的事情。

Is that the kind of audience

是這樣的觀眾

you want to go for?

你想去嗎？

We get a lot of gay people,

我們有很多同性戀者。

but there are nine gay people that are not watching.

但有9個同志不看。

And we want to get them watching.

我們想讓他們看。

Okay, well the surest way to do it

好吧，最穩妥的方法是... ...

is a scarf, but I don't think

是一條圍巾，但我不認為。

it's that scarf.

是那條圍巾

I think it's like a cute little sort of

我覺得它就像一個可愛的小排序的

Charles Nelson Reilly kind of.

查爾斯-尼爾森-雷利那種。

Oh! Uh! Uh!

哦！Uh! Uh!

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

(upbeat music)

(歡快的音樂)

Yeah, you know what?

是啊，你知道嗎？

It's not working on you.

它對你沒有用

I'm telling you.

我告訴你

You know why?

你知道為什麼嗎？

Because I have elements of pink in my skin.

因為我的皮膚裡有粉紅色的元素。

That's right.

是的

Which is because I have a

這是因為我有一個

urinary tract infection.

泌尿道感染。

Oh, you do?

哦，是嗎？

You mean like a chick?

你是說像小雞一樣？

Like a girl?

喜歡一個女孩？

No, let's not talk.

不，我們不談。

Girls usually have those.

女生一般都有這些。

No, I have many women's ailments.

不，我有很多女人的毛病。

[Audience Laughs]

[觀眾笑]

(upbeat music)

(歡快的音樂)

You like a knit, you wear a knit tie before?

你喜歡針織衫，你以前穿針織衫打領帶嗎？

When I see people wearing knit ties,

當我看到人們打著針織領帶時。

I always think,

我一直認為。

I always have this desire to dry my hands.

我總是有這樣的願望，想把手弄乾。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I always want to reach over and dry my hands.

我總想伸手過去擦乾我的手。

What are those, little cherries?

那是什麼，小櫻桃？

Little cherries, yeah, I like that.

小櫻桃，是的，我喜歡這樣。

Do they make other foods on ties?

他們會在領帶上做其他食物嗎？

Like a waffle.

像華夫餅。

If they made waffles.

如果他們做了華夫餅。

So you don't like this?

所以你不喜歡這個？

I kind of like it.

我有點喜歡它。

I actually just want

其實我只是想

some waffles right now.

一些華夫餅現在。

If we could get some waffles.

如果我們能得到一些華夫餅。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Conan, that's gross!

柯南，真噁心！

Oh, I can't even watch!

哦，我都看不下去了！

Oh, that's gross!

哦，真噁心！

If you're gonna spend some real money

如果你想花點真錢

on a tie, let's make it a tie

打個平手，讓我們打個平手吧

that people can see,

人們可以看到的。

if I'm in a dense fog out at sea,

如果我在海上的濃霧中。

they'll see me.

他們會看到我。

I feel that you are buying that tie

我覺得你是在買那條領帶

just so you can make fun of me.

只是讓你可以取笑我。

Let me think about that for a second.

讓我想一想

Let me think.

讓我想想

I'm a little smarter than you suspect.

我比你懷疑的要聰明一些。

Let me think.

讓我想想

Yes.

是的，我知道

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Please buy that tie.

請買下那條領帶。

Please, I'm begging you.

求你了，我求你了。

Do I have to get on my knees?

我一定要跪下來嗎？

Come on.

來吧。

That's bad, relax.

這很不好，放鬆。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

I can't high-five you

我不能和你擊掌

in a Barneys.

在Barneys的。

I'm sorry.

我很抱歉

I almost high-fived.

我差點擊掌。

But if we high-five

但如果我們擊掌

in a Barneys, it's over.

在Barneys，它的結束。

Thank you very much.

非常感謝你。

Thank you.

謝謝你了

So, you picked out some ties.

所以，你挑選了一些領帶。

Yes, I did.

是的，我有。

And if you don't mind,

如果你不介意的話

I'd like to take you to where I shop

我想帶你到我購物的地方看看

and pick out some stuff for you.

併為你挑選一些東西。

That would be fine, yeah.

這將是罰款，是的。

Is that okay?

可以嗎？

Yeah, it's near?

是啊，就在附近？

It's nearby.

就在附近

That's fine.

這很好。

I've never been to Kmart.

我從來沒有去過凱馬特

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

You know, this is just as good as Barneys,

你知道，這和Barneys一樣好。

and I'm being serious, too.

我也是認真的

You think?

你覺得呢？

Yeah, well Barneys are all, a lot of attitude,

是啊，Barneys都是，很多態度。

but they don't have decals

但他們沒有貼花

on their escalators.

在他們的自動扶梯上。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Now which way is it?

現在是哪條路？

Is it this way?

是這樣嗎？

(Santa sings)

(聖誕老人的歌聲)

Can we buy that?

我們能買嗎？

Can we buy that?

我們能買嗎？

(Santa sings)

(聖誕老人的歌聲)

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

How do you feel about pants

你對附皮帶的褲子

that come with the belt?

有什麼想法？

Come with the belt.

附皮帶的。

Why not go the extra step.

為什麼不乾脆一點

Why not have pants, the belt,

為什麼沒有褲子、皮帶、

and then shoes and underwear

鞋子和內衣一整組

attached so that you just put these on,

所以你只要一次穿上

and suddenly you're dressed.

突然間你就換好衣服了。

(audience laughs)

（觀眾笑）

Oh look see,

哦，你看

this is something you were talking about,

這是你剛剛說的東西

where thee sew a sweatshirt

跟帽T縫再一起的

hood to a jean jacket.

牛仔外套

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah!

哦，對，對，對！

Do I look like Eminem?

我看起來像埃米納姆嗎？

But I want to look like Eminem.

但我想看起來像埃米納姆。

Look, you know what I love?

聽著，你知道我喜歡什麼嗎？

I love it when you can buy briefs

我喜歡可以大量的

in bulk.

買內褲

Yeah.

是啊。

It's a lot of briefs.

這裡有超多內褲。

I always liked the pictures of guys in briefs.

我一直很喜歡男人穿內褲的照片。

Okay, like he's trying hard.

好喔，看起來好像他很努力

He's really trying hard.

他真的很努力。

He's way too excited

他對於穿著他的內褲

about being in his underwear.

也太興奮了

Exactly.

真的

Also look, this one doesn't have

還有你看，這個人沒有那種

that kind of like ripply stomach,

我通常不太喜歡的

which I don't usually like.

大肌肌肚子

You don't like the rippled stomach?

你不喜歡有大肌肌的肚子？

No, I don't.

不，我不喜歡。

I like a plain stomach.

我喜歡平平的肚子。

That does it for me, then (laughs).

我喜歡（笑）。

Six pack!

六塊肌！

Come in here for a second.

過來一下

Which of these guys do you like?

這些男生你喜歡哪一個？

I'm trying to find.

我看看。

Which is your favorite guy?

你最喜歡哪個人？

[Laverne] That one on that box.

那個盒子上的那位。