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  • -Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.

    -歡迎來到 "今夜秀",各位。

  • It is Wednesday, November 18th,

    今天是11月18日星期三。

  • and we are having a pajama party here in Studio 6A.

    我們有一個睡衣派對 在Studio 6A。

  • It's the first-ever "Tonight Show"

    這是有史以來第一個 "今夜秀"

  • P'Jimmy Jammy Jam.

    P'Jimmy Jammy Jam.

  • So hopefully everyone at home is in their pajamas right now.

    所以希望現在家裡的人都穿著睡衣。

  • Just turn the TV on. Let's have fun.

    把電視打開吧讓我們玩得開心。

  • It's going to be a great night.

    這將是一個偉大的夜晚。

  • I teamed up with Alex Mill to make what I think

    我和亞歷克斯-米爾合作製作了我認為的

  • are the coolest pajamas on the planet.

    是地球上最酷的睡衣。

  • Not only are they cool, they have pockets.

    不僅酷,還有口袋。

  • But also 100% of the net proceeds

    但也是100%的淨收益

  • goes to Feeding America, which is an amazing organization

    去餵養美國,這是一個了不起的組織。

  • that has a network of over 200 food banks

    擁有200多個食物銀行網絡

  • and 60,000 food pantries

    和60,000個食品儲藏室

  • and meal programs around the country.

    和全國各地的膳食計劃。

  • It feeds over 46 million people each year.

    它每年為4600多萬人提供食物。

  • So when you buy these P'Jimmies, not only are they a great gift,

    所以當你購買這些P'Jimmies,不僅是一個很好的禮物。

  • but you're also feeding a family.

    但你也在養活一個家庭。

  • More details on this later.

    稍後再詳細介紹。

  • But they are officially available as of right now

    但他們現在已經正式上市了

  • on alexmill.com.

    alexmill.com上。

  • Whoo! All right, guys.

    喔!好吧,夥計們。

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

    讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

  • Well, guys, this is exciting. The FDA has just given

    好了,夥計們,這很令人興奮。藥監局剛剛下達了

  • the green light to a new type of coronavirus test.

    一種新型冠狀病毒檢測的綠燈。

  • Listen to this.

    聽聽這個。

  • -The FDA has approved emergency use for the first COVID-19 test

    -美國食品和藥物管理局已準許緊急使用第一個COVID-19測試。

  • that can be conducted entirely at home.

    可以完全在家裡進行的。

  • The kit, made by Lucira,

    套件,由Lucira製作。

  • allows users to self-administer a nasal swab test

    允許用戶自行進行鼻拭子測試。

  • and then wait for the results which come within 30 minutes.

    然後等待30分鐘內得出的結果。

  • -All right. Just in time for Christmas.

    -好的正好趕上聖誕節

  • It's the ultimate stocking and nasal stuffer.

    它是終極的襪子和鼻塞。

  • [ Applause ]

    [掌聲]

  • I think you can tell how your marriage is going

    我想你可以知道你的婚姻如何了

  • during quarantine by how deep your spouse pushes the swab in.

    在檢疫期間,由配偶將棉籤推入多深。

  • It's like, "Honey! Honey!

    這就像,"親愛的!親愛的!

  • I don't think it's supposed to be a jabbing motion.

    我覺得這不應該是一個刺殺的動作。

  • Just -- Gosh!

    只是... 天哪!

  • I think I'm smelling burnt toast. Okay."

    我想我聞到了燒焦的土司味。好吧"

  • The test is great. You just stick the swab up your nose

    這個測試很不錯。你只要把棉籤塞進鼻子裡

  • and then wait 30 minutes

    然後等待30分鐘

  • for the medics to stop the internal bleeding.

    為醫護人員止住內出血。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Yeah, the test guarantees results in 30 minutes or less.

    是的,測試保證在30分鐘或更短的時間內得出結果。

  • Hey, here's a fun game -- Take the test, order Dominos,

    嘿,這裡有一個有趣的遊戲 -- 測試一下,點多米諾。

  • and have them race.

    並讓他們比賽。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • That's right, now you and your family can get together

    沒錯,現在你和你的家人可以聚在一起了。

  • and swab your own nasal cavities.

    並擦拭自己的鼻腔。

  • It's basically the worst fondue party ever.

    這基本上是最糟糕的火鍋派對了。

  • [ All groan ] "Aw, my swab broke.

    [所有的呻吟]"哦,我的棉籤斷了。

  • That means I'm having the next nasal swab party."

    這意味著我要開下一個鼻拭子派對了。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Yep, the FDA says that they fully trust Americans,

    是的,FDA說他們完全信任美國人。

  • while Americans are like, "I lost the cotton swab,

    而美國人卻說:"我把棉籤弄丟了。

  • so I used a Twizzler. Is that okay?"

    所以我用了一個Twizzler。可以嗎?"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • "And then I ate the Twizzler. Is that okay?

    "然後我吃了Twizzler。可以嗎?

  • And then I found the swab and ate that. Is that okay?"

    然後我找到了棉籤,吃了那個。可以嗎?"

  • [ Laughter ] But this is interesting.

    [笑]但這是有趣的。

  • Even though the test is at home, the FDA still wants you

    即使是在家裡測試,FDA還是希望你

  • to sit in your car for five hours before getting it.

    要在車上坐5個小時才能拿到。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Here's some more good news.

    這裡還有一些好消息。

  • Zoom just announced that for Thanksgiving,

    Zoom剛剛宣佈,為感恩節。

  • they're lifting their 40-minute time limit on free meetings.

    他們取消了40分鐘免費會議的時間限制。

  • -Whoo! -Yep, it'll be

    -哇!-是的,這將是

  • the first Thanksgiving you can show up to wearing this.

    第一個感恩節你可以穿著這個出現。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • I think 40 minutes is plenty. I mean, after 40 minutes,

    我認為40分鐘已經足夠了。我的意思是,40分鐘後,

  • even the pilgrims were looking at their watches like,

    連朝聖者都在看他們的手錶,像。

  • "Yeah, well, we got a lot of dishes to do in the river,

    "是啊,我們在河裡還有很多菜要做。

  • so --" [ Laughter ]

    所以--"[笑聲]

  • Yeah, Americans are like,

    是啊,美國人都喜歡。

  • "I think 40 minutes of watching Grandpa slurp cranberry sauce

    "我想看爺爺喝蔓越莓醬的40分鐘。

  • is more than enough, thanks."

    是綽綽有餘的,謝謝。"

  • Thanksgiving over Zoom isn't ideal,

    感恩節過Zoom並不理想。

  • but if your uncle starts ranting about the election,

    但是,如果你的叔叔開始咆哮 關於選舉,

  • you can just click the "Switch Family" button.

    你只需點擊 "切換家庭 "按鈕即可。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Also, you can give yourself a fake background,

    另外,你還可以給自己一個假的背景。

  • just like your aunt's new boyfriend

    就像你阿姨的新男友

  • gives himself a fake background.

    給自己一個假的背景。

  • "Hi, I'm a lawyer specializing in -- in law.

    "你好,我是一名律師,專門從事--法律方面的工作。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Legal -- Legal law, so...

    法律 -- 法律法,所以...

  • The legal kind."

    法律上的那種。"

  • Speaking of Thanksgiving and the pandemic,

    說到感恩節和流行病。

  • a supermarket chain is apologizing

    連鎖超市正在道歉

  • after they put out this ad that says,

    後,他們把這個廣告說,

  • "Hosting? Plan a super spread."

    "託管?計劃一個超級傳播。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • [ Cymbal crashes ]

    [鈸的崩潰]

  • Marketing 101, make the customer think of the virus

    營銷101,讓客戶想到病毒

  • and unrefrigerated shellfish.

    和未經冷藏的貝類。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Maybe it's just me, but isn't there something extra gross

    也許只是我,但是不是有一些額外的噁心的東西

  • about ordering a giant shrimp platter during a pandemic?

    關於訂購一個巨大的蝦拼盤 在大流行期間?

  • [ Scattered laughter ]

    [分散的笑聲]

  • [ Chuckling ] Right?

    [笑著]對嗎?

  • Even worse, every order comes with an ice-cold Corona.

    更糟糕的是,每份訂單都有一個冰鎮的科羅娜。

  • "Ah!" [ Laughter ]

    "啊!"[笑聲]

  • "Why didn't we just say Budweiser?"

    "我們為什麼不直接說百威啤酒?"

  • The creator of the ad apologized

    該廣告的創作者道歉

  • and said he just wanted it to go viral.

    並說他只是想把它傳播出去。

  • "Ah!" [ Laughter ]

    "啊!"[笑聲]

  • "Why can't I just --" [ Cymbal crashes ]

    "為什麼我不能 --"[鈸的崩潰]

  • "Ee-aah!"

    "咿呀!"

  • I saw that President Trump has decided

    我看到特朗普總統已經決定

  • to change his Thanksgiving Day plans. Check it out.

    改變他的感恩節計劃。看看吧

  • -The president has decided

    -總統已經決定

  • to cancel his Thanksgiving trip to Mar-A-Lago,

    取消了他的感恩節旅行 Mar -A -Lago。

  • marking the first time during his presidency

    任內首次

  • that the president has not gone down there.

    總統還沒有去那裡。

  • -They intend to spend Thanksgiving

    -他們打算過感恩節

  • here at the White House.

    在白宮這裡。

  • -Yep, a big party at the White House --

    -是的,白宮的一個大聚會 --

  • What could possibly go wrong?

    會有什麼問題呢?

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Meanwhile, Trump was like, "If Don Jr. asks,

    同時,特朗普還說:"如果小唐問。

  • I'll still be at Mar-A-Lago."

    我還會在Mar -A -Lago。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Thankfully, there will be some COVID restrictions.

    值得慶幸的是,會有一些COVID限制。

  • Trump's been asked not to put his straw

    特朗普被要求不要把他的稻草。

  • directly into the gravy boat.

    直接進入肉汁船。

  • "I'll just use a Twizzler.

    "我就用Twizzler。

  • I'll take it out of my nose first."

    我先從鼻子裡取出來。"

  • Yep, Trump is staying busy in Washington.

    是的,特朗普一直在華盛頓忙碌。

  • Yesterday, he responded to the Homeland Security official

    昨日,他迴應國土安全部官員。

  • who said the election was fair and secure.

    誰說選舉是公平和安全的,

  • Take a look.

    看看吧

  • -President Trump overnight announcing the firing

    -特朗普總統連夜宣佈解僱

  • of top DHS cybersecurity official Chris Krebs on Twitter,

    的國土安全部高級網絡安全官員克里斯-克雷布斯在Twitter上。

  • claiming, without evidence,

    聲稱,沒有證據。

  • that Krebs had put out highly inaccurate information

    克雷布斯發佈了非常不準確的資訊。

  • after Krebs and other security officials

    在克雷布斯和其他安全官員

  • called the November 3rd election

    十一月三日選舉

  • the most secure in American history.

    美國曆史上最安全的。

  • -Yeah. Trump fired Krebs.

    -是的特朗普解僱了克雷布斯

  • He was like, "It's not the first time I've gotten rid of crabs,

    他說:"我又不是第一次除螃蟹了。

  • and it won't be the last.

    而且這不會是最後一次。

  • It won't be the last, folks."

    這不會是最後一次,各位。"

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

    [笑聲和掌聲]

  • It's a pretty bold move by Trump.

    特朗普這一招很大膽。

  • The last thing you want to do

    你最不想做的事情

  • is tick someone off who can access your browser history.

    是勾選可以訪問你的瀏覽器歷史記錄的人。

  • At this point, getting fired by Trumps is kind of fun.

    在這一點上,被特朗普斯開除是一種樂趣。

  • You get your name in the paper, you get a book deal,

    你的名字上了報紙,你就能得到一本書的合約。

  • and you get a framed copy of the tweet.

    而且你會得到一份裱好的推文。

  • Not bad. [ Laughter ]

    不壞。[笑聲]

  • Here's some business news.

    這裡有一些商業新聞。

  • Amazon is now offering a new service to its customers.

    亞馬遜現在為客戶提供了一項新的服務。

  • Watch this.

    看這個。

  • -Amazon is getting into the pharmacy business.

    -亞馬遜正在進入藥店業務。

  • The e-commerce giant unveiled Amazon Pharmacy yesterday.

    這家電商巨頭昨天推出了亞馬遜藥房。

  • The online drug store allows customers

    網上藥店允許顧客

  • to order prescription medications for home delivery,

    訂購處方藥,送貨上門。

  • including free two-day shipping for Prime members.

    包括Prime會員的兩日免費送貨。

  • -So get ready for an all-new era of drunk-ordering amoxicillin

    -所以準備好迎接一個全新的醉酒訂購阿莫西林的時代吧。

  • at 3:00 a.m.

    凌晨3時

  • "What does it do?

    "它是幹什麼的?

  • I'll -- I'll take it. I don't care, man.

    我會... 我會接受的。我不在乎,夥計。

  • I'll take two of them."

    我要兩個人。"

  • The new service sounds convenient,

    新服務聽起來很方便。

  • but I do think their packaging could use a little work.

    但我確實認為他們的包裝可以使用一點工作。

  • I just think that is a bit too --

    我只是覺得這有點太...

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • When asked if Amazon might be getting too powerful,

    當被問及亞馬遜是否可能變得太強大時。

  • Jeff Bezos said --

    傑夫-貝佐斯說--

  • -[ Deep voice ] Silence, you insolent fools!

    -安靜,你們這些無禮的傻瓜!

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

    [歡呼聲和掌聲]

  • -Speaking of medicine, Pfizer, Moderna, and Johnson & Johnson

    -說到醫藥,輝瑞、Moderna和強生公司。

  • are all working on vaccines right now.

    現在都在研究疫苗。

  • And I saw that Pfizer's vaccine

    我看到輝瑞公司的疫苗。

  • has to be kept at extremely low temperatures.

    必須在極低的溫度下保存。

  • But Moderna's vaccine can be kept in a normal freezer,

    但是莫德娜的疫苗可以放在普通的冰箱裡保存。

  • which makes it easier to ship.

    這使得它更容易運輸。

  • It's all a little complicated, so let me explain it like this.

    這一切都有點複雜,讓我這樣解釋。

  • Roots?

    根?

  • -Here we go.

    -我們走吧

  • [ Tone Loc's "Funky Cold Medina" playing ]

    [Tone Loc的 "Funky Cold Medina "演奏]

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • -♪ Cold coolin' in a lab, waitin' for that new injection

    -"在實驗室裡冷冷清清地等待著新的注射劑"。

  • One little jab and there you have a cure for this infection

    一個小的刺傷,有 你有一個治癒這種感染的方法

  • Moderna is the one you need, allow me explain

    #Moderna是你需要的,請允許我解釋#

  • It's hella nice, put it on ice and then shoot it in my vein

    * It's hella nice, put it on ice and then shoot it in my vein * * It's hella nice, put it on ice and then shoot it in my vein *

  • It won the vaccine race, antibodies were responding

    它贏得了疫苗的競賽,抗體有了反應

  • Smacked Pfizer down, took the COVID crown

    # Smacked Pfizer down, took the COVID crown #

  • And left Johnson holdin' its Johnson

    並留下約翰遜舉行其約翰遜

  • So when you go to the doctor, don't have no concern-a ♪

    所以,當你去看醫生, 不要沒有關注 -A

  • Just ask the guy, "What should I try?" Say funky cold Moderna

    只要問這個傢伙,"我應該嘗試什麼?"說時髦的冷摩德納

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

    [歡呼聲和掌聲]

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • Funky cold Moderna

    時髦的冷摩登納

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

    [歡呼聲和掌聲]

  • And finally --

    最後 -- --

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Finally, I saw that Pizza Hut is now selling

    最後,我看到必勝客現在賣的是

  • a weighted blanket that looks like pepperoni pizza for $150.

    一條看起來像意大利香腸披薩的加權毯子,150美元。

  • Take a look at this thing.

    看看這個東西。

  • Yeah. I don't know. When I eat pizza, it already feels like

    是啊,我也不知道當我吃披薩,它已經感覺像

  • cheese and pepperoni are blanketing my insides.

    奶酪和意大利辣香腸讓我的內心一片空白。

  • Yeah, you can either buy the blanket for 150 bucks

    是啊,你可以買150塊錢的毯子。

  • or offer the delivery guy $75 to come in and spoon.

    或者給送貨員75元,讓他進來調羹。

-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.

-歡迎來到 "今夜秀",各位。

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特朗普在感恩節期間放棄了馬拉雅湖,轉戰白宮|今夜秀場 (Trump Ditches Mar-A-Lago For White House on Thanksgiving | The Tonight Show)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2020 年 11 月 19 日
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