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  • LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE HEADLINES.

  • ACCORDING TO A NEW REPORT, JOE BIDEN HAS PRIVATELY TOLD HIS

  • AIDES THAT AS PRESIDENT, HE WANTS TO AVOID INVESTIGATING HIS

  • PREDECESSOR, DONALD TRUMP.

  • IT'S VERY HONORABLE OF BIDEN.

  • MEANWHILE, TRUMP IS SPENDING HIS LAST TWO MONTHS IN OFFICE LIKE,

  • "CONFISCATE EVERY POSSIBLE LAPTOP FROM THE BIDEN FAMILY!"

  • APPARENTLY, BIDEN IS CONCERNED ABOUT DOING ANYTHING THAT WOULD

  • FURTHER DIVIDE THE COUNTRY.

  • AS IF THAT'S EVEN REMOTELY POSSIBLE.

  • THIS STORY BEGS THE PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION, IF

  • THERE'S WRONGDOING, BUT NO ONE'S AROUND TO INVESTIGATE IT, IS IT

  • REALLY MALARKEY?

  • BIDEN SAYS HE'LL LEAVE THE INVESTIGATING TO OTHER PEOPLE.

  • LIKE THE C.I.A., THE F.B.I., THE I.R.S., THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT,

  • THE S.E.C., THE SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF NEW YORK AND

  • WHICHEVER LAWYER MELANIA ENDS UP HIRING.

  • MEANWHILE, PRESIDENT TRUMP IS CONTINUING TO DEMAND A RECOUNT

  • IN THE STATE OF WISCONSIN.

  • WELL, YESTERDAY, THE STATE TOLD THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IT WOULD HAVE

  • TO COVER THE COSTS OF THE RECOUNT, WHICH IS ESTIMATED AT

  • NEARLY $8-MILLION.

  • WORD OF ADVICE, WISCONSIN: GET THE MONEY UP FRONT.

  • $8-MILLION IS A LOT.

  • THOUGH, TO BE FAIR, IF TRUMP SOMEHOW DOES MANAGE TO FLIP

  • WISCONSIN HE, STILL LOSES THE ELECTION BY A LOT.

  • $8-MILLION FOR A RECOUNT.

  • TRUMP WAS LIKE, "YEAH, BUT THAT'S FOR COUNTING ALL THE

  • VOTES.

  • HOW MUCH TO JUST COUNT THE ONES FOR ME?"

  • OF COURSE, THANKSGIVING IS NEXT WEEK AND VARIOUS STATES ARE

  • PUTTING OUT NEW GUIDELINES FOR A COVID-SAFE CELEBRATION.

  • FOR EXAMPLE, NEW JERSEY IS NOW TELLING PEOPLE TO AVOID SHOUTING

  • AND SINGING.

  • YEAH, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE ALL WORRIED ABOUT ON THANKSGIVING:

  • THAT UNCLE RICK WILL DRINK TOO MUCH AND START A SING-OFF.

  • WHO SINGS AT THANKSGIVING?

  • THE SHOUTING I UNDERSTAND.

  • BUT THE SINGING?

  • ARE THERE EVEN THANKSGIVING CAROLS?

  • IS THIS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS?

  • >> Reggie: YEAH.

  • OH GREAT TURKEY I LOVE THEE ♪ ♪ STUFFED WITH SO MUCH

  • CRANBERRY ♪ ♪ WITH A TIP OF THE HAT AND THE

  • TOOKLE TOOKIE TOO ♪ ♪ COME ON EVERYBODY, A

  • THANKSGIVING FOR YOU ♪ ( APPLAUSE )

  • THERE?

  • >> Reggie: YEAH.

  • >> James: THAT'S AMAZING.

  • >> JAMES: THE STATE OF NEW JERSEY IS TELLING PEOPLE TO NOT

  • SHOUT AT THANKSGIVING.

  • TO WHICH NEW JERSEY SAID "WHO STOLE MY SPRAY TAN?!

  • WAS IT YOU BARBARA?

  • I KNOW IT WAS YOU!

  • YOU DON'T GET THAT KIND OF GLOW AT THE BEACH IN NOVEMBER!"

  • NEVER BEEN.

  • NEVER BEEN.

  • NEVER BEEN TO NEW JERSEY.

  • >> YOU GOT TO GO.

  • IT'S LOVELY NO TIME OF YEAR.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) PRESIDENT OBAMA'S NEW BOOK "A

  • PROMISED LAND" HIT STORES TODAY.

  • AND OBAMA HAS RELEASED A MUSIC PLAYLIST TO GO ALONG WITH IT.

  • IS THERE ANY SADDER CAREER FALL THAN GOING FROM PRESIDENT TO

  • D.J.?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) LIKE I DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.

  • THAT IS QUITE THE FALL FROM GRACE, ISN'T IT?

  • NOT TO BE OUTDONE.

  • PRESIDENT TRUMP RELEASED HIS PLAY LIST TODAY.

  • I DON'T KNOW THE SONG, I'M PROUD THAT I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THIS

  • SONG.

  • >> IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO NEW JERSEY

  • "BA-WIT-DA-BA" ON REPEAT.

  • ( BA WIT-DA BANG ) >> MY NAME IS KING!

  • KID ROCK, BABY!

  • ( APPLAUSE ) AND THEN IT CONTINUES IN KIND

  • FROM THERE.

  • >> James: THAT WAS VERY IMPRESSIVE.

  • >> THANK YOU, YEAH.

  • >> James: NEVER HEARD IT.

  • >> James: NEVER HEARD IT.

  • KID ROCK NEVER A BIG THING IN BRITAIN.

  • YEAH.

  • >> Reggie: SHOCKING.

  • >> James: IT'S TRUE.

  • NEVER REALLY DID ANYTHING.

  • THEY PROBABLY EVEN CALL HIM BY HIS NORMAL NAME.

  • WHAT HIS NORMAL NAME.

  • STEEF OR SOMETHING?

  • >> BOB, MAYBE.

  • I THINK IT IS BOB.

  • >> James: BOB ROCK?

  • IS THAT HIS NAME BOB ROCK?

  • HE SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH THAT, THAT'S A GREAT NAME!

  • BOB ROCK.

  • I ALWAYS FEEL ANY SINGER THAT PUTS "KID" IN THEIR NAME, YOU

  • WISH YOU COULD SIT THEM DOWN AND SAY THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE

  • GREAT WHEN YOU'RE 55.

  • THAT'S HOW I FEEL THE HIP-HOP ALL THE LIL's.

  • >> LIL' BOW WOW DROP THE LITTLE.

  • >> James:LOOK AT THAT, DIDN'T PLAY OUT WELL.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHEREAS M.C. HAMMER, STILL GOT

  • IT.

  • >> JAY-Z AS GOOD AS 23 AS IT IS AT 53.

  • >> James: 100%, BANG, DONE.

  • EVEN EMINEM.

  • >> BUT WHEN HE TURNS 70 HE WILL HAVE TO BE BUTTERSCOTCH WEATHER

  • ORIGINAL.

  • >> JAMES: AND WE HAD TO TELL YOU ABOUT THIS.

  • POPE FRANCIS HAS CAUSED A BIT OF A STIR TODAY, AFTER IT WAS

  • REPORTED THAT HIS OFFICIAL INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT APPEARED TO

  • LIKE A PHOTO OF, WELL, SEE FOR YURSELF.

  • THERE, THAT'S THE POPE'S OFFICIAL ACCOUNT.

  • AND THAT'S THE PHOTO THE POPE LIKED.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Reggie: THAT'S LIKABLE.

  • >> James: FORGIVE ME FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED.

  • TO BE FAIR, IT DOES LOOK LIKE SHE'S GOING TO CATHOLIC SCHOOL.

  • BUT FOR SOME REASON THE POPE'S INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT LIKED IT.

  • AND TODAY THE CATHOLIC CHURCH WAS LIKE, "A SCANDAL?

  • INVOLVING AN ADULT WOMAN?

  • WHEW!

  • THANK GOD."

  • AND I'M SURE YOU ALL SAW THIS.

  • TWITTER ANNOUNCED A NEW FEATURE TODAY THAT ALLOWS USERS TO POST

  • TWEETS THAT WILL AUTOMATICALLY DISAPPEAR IN 24 HOURS.

  • THEY'RE CALLING THE NEW DISAPPEARING MESSAGES "FLEETS,"

  • WHICH IS MUCH SHORTER THAN, "WE STOLE THIS FROM INSTAGRAM, WHO

  • STOLE IT FROM SNAPCHAT."

  • FINALLY!

  • NOW PEOPLE ON TWITTER WON'T FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE TO HOLD BACK AND

  • BE SO POLITE ANYMORE.

  • AND THE DISAPPEARING TWEETS WORK PERFECTLY, TOO.

  • AS LONG AS NO ONE READING THEM HAS EVER HEARD OF A SCREENSHOT.

  • AND HERE'S AN INTERESTING STUDY.

  • ACCORDING TO NEW RESEARCH, THE AVERAGE AMERICAN STARTS FEELING

  • OLD AT THE AGE OF 47.

  • WHICH IS REALLY BAD NEWS CONIDERING 2020 HAS AGED ALL OF

  • US AT LEAST 30 YEARS.

  • THIS RESEARCH WAS DEFINITELY NOT CONDUCTED IN LOS ANGELES.

  • BECAUSE IN L.A, WHEN YOU TURN 35, RYAN SEACREST PRONOUNCES YOU

  • IRRELEVANT AND THROWS YOU OFF A ROOF.

  • BUT SERIOUSLY, WHAT'S ALL THIS TALK ABOUT FEELING OLD?

  • I'M NEVER GOING TO FEEL OLD!

  • AM I, REG?

  • >> Reggie: NO.

  • >> James: I'M DRIPIN', RIGHT?

  • I'M DRIPIN', YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SYING?

  • >> Reggie: YOU GOT DRIP.

  • >> James: I GOT SOME BIG DRIP, RIGHT, GUILLERMO?

  • >> I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON NOW.

  • >> James: THAT'S MY POINT.

  • HOW OLD ARE YOU?

  • >> THIS IS ABOUT YOU, JAMES.

  • >> James: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

  • I'VE COME THROUGH DRIPIN', I'M FINE.

  • DON'T LEAVE ME ON READ.

  • >> I'M PARTICIPATING BUT I CAN'T.

  • >> James: I COME THROUGH DRIPIN'.

  • BIG DRIP.

  • >> MAXIMUM?

  • YOU SHOULD LEAVE THAT ALONE.

  • >> James: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

  • I CAN'T LEAVE IT ALONE.

  • THAT'S WHO I AM.

  • I'M FULL OF DRIP.

  • 2, 4, 7, 3, 6, 5, DRIP, DRIP.

  • >> Reggie: MAXIMUM MOIST.

  • >> James: RATHER YOUNG, MAN.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY THAT?

  • CAN'T TOUCH THIS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) HAGAR, WHAT'S OLD TO YOU?

  • >> 60.

  • >> James: BUT HERE'S THE THING - NO, ACTUALLY, I KNOW A PERSON

  • WHO WORKS ON HE SHOW AND HE'S HOT AT 60.

  • >> James: WHO?

  • MIKE SHIFT.

  • HE'S SHIFT.

  • SHIFTY YEARS OLD.

  • >> James: YEAH!

  • THAT'S RIGHT!

  • ( APPLAUSE ) >> JAMES: SOME BIG NEWS OUT OF

  • NEW ZEALAND.

  • THERE'S BEEN A MAJOR SCANDAL IN THE COUNTRY'S "BIRD OF THE YEAR"

  • COMPETITION, WHICH IS, AS YOU KNOW, A HUGE DEAL.

  • A PARROT SPECIES CALLED A -- I FEEL LIKE ALL THE LATE

  • NIGHT SHOWS HAVE ALREADY DONE THIS STORY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT YOU WILL KNOW THIS, A PARROT

  • CALLED A "KAKAPO" WAS ANNOUNCED THE

  • WINNER, BUT ONLY AFTER 1,500 VOTES FOR A "KIWI PUKU-PUKU"

  • WERE THROWN OUT AS FRAUDULENT.

  • TRUMP WAS LIKE, "SEE!

  • IT CAN HAPPEN!" I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE RUDY

  • GIULIANI IN A GEORGIA COURTROOM, SAYING, "AND FOR OUR NEXT

  • WITNESS, THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN WOULD LIKE TO CALL THE KIWI

  • PUKU-PUKU."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE PARROT SAID THAT IN SPITE OF

  • THE DIVISIVE ELECTION, "POLLY WANNA BRING THIS COUNTRY

  • TOGETHER."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, OREO HAS JUST

  • ANNOUNCED A NEW FEATURE CALLED "OREO-I.D." WHICH ALLOWS YOU TO

  • CUSTOMIZE YOUR OWN COOKIES.

  • YOU CAN CHOOSE DIFFERENT FLAVORS, AND UPLOAD PHOTOS OF

  • PEOPLE TO BE PRINTED RIGHT ON THE COOKIES.

  • HERE ARE SOME OF THEM HERE.

  • LOOK AT THAT.

  • THIS BEATS THE OLD WAY OF EATING SOMEONE'S FACE, BATH SALTS.

  • WOULD YOU EAT A COOKIE WITH YOUR FACE ON?

  • WOULD YOU EAT A COOKIE WITH YOUR OWN FACE ON IT?

  • >> OH, YEAH, I'D DO THAT AGAIN.

  • >> James: THAT'S THE THING ABOUT OREOS, THEY LOVE MESSING

  • AROUND WITH THE COOKIES.

  • THEY'RE FOREVER COMING UP WITH A NEW OREOS.

  • ORANGE, DOUBLE STUFFED.

  • LEAVE IT ALONE, LET IT BE OREO.

  • >> PLAY THE HITS.

  • THERE'S NO NEED FOR WHATEVER KID ROCK SONG THAT WAS.

  • >> James: EXACTLY!

  • AND YOU CAN PUT WHATEVER PICTURE YOU WOULD LIKE ON THE OREOS.

  • TODAY THEY RECEIVED THIS ANONYMOUS ORDER FROM THE

  • VATICAN.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE HEADLINES.

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Biden Says He Wants to Go Easy On Trump

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2020 年 11 月 18 日
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