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  • -Oh, it feels good. Welcome, welcome, welcome,

    -哦,這感覺很好。歡迎,歡迎,歡迎

  • welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody,

    歡迎來到 "今夜秀",大家。

  • here from New York City. [ Cheers and applause ]

    這裡從紐約市。[歡呼聲和掌聲]

  • You guys, it is Friday.

    各位,今天是星期五。

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

    [歡呼聲和掌聲]

  • All right, let's get to the news and jokes.

    好了,讓我們來看看新聞和笑話吧。

  • Well, all eyes are on Washington this weekend

    這個週末,所有的目光都集中在華盛頓

  • where Trump supporters are holding a big event

    特朗普的支持者們正在那裡舉行一場盛大的活動。

  • to protest the election.

    來抗議選舉。

  • -Supporters of President Trump are expected to descend

    -特朗普總統的支持者們預計將下到。

  • on the nation's capitol Saturday

    禮拜六在美國國會大廈

  • for what's been dubbed the Million Maga March.

    被稱為 "百萬馬加爵遊行"。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • -Usually when you see a million angry Trump supporters

    -通常當你看到一百萬憤怒的特朗普支持者時

  • this time of year, it's because Starbucks released

    這個時候,是因為星巴克推出了

  • their holiday cups. [ Laughter ]

    他們的節日杯。[笑聲]

  • [As Trump] "We're saying, 'Merry Pumpkin Spice Latte' again.

    正如特朗普所說:"我們又在說,'南瓜香料拿鐵快樂'。

  • We are. We're saying --"

    我們是。我們在說..."

  • It'll be exciting for a million people to show up

    如果有一百萬人到場,一定會很激動的

  • and then be told by a White House intern,

    然後被白宮的實習生告知。

  • "He left for Florida yesterday."

    "他昨天去了佛羅里達"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Actually, I hope Trump walks out on the White House balcony

    其實,我希望特朗普能在白宮陽臺上走出來

  • and serenades the crowd with a rendition of

    併為眾人獻上一曲《小夜曲》。

  • "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina." [ Laughter ]

    "不要為我哭泣,阿根廷。"[笑聲]

  • Don't try for me, MAGA people

    不要為我嘗試,MAGA的人

  • The truth is I never liked you

    事實是我從來沒有喜歡過你

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

    [笑聲和掌聲]

  • ♪ I don't want to go to Erie, Pennsylvania

    我不想去伊利,賓夕法尼亞州的

  • "I shouldn't have been here. I had it in the bag."

    "我不應該在這裡。我把它放在包裡了。"

  • Speaking of the election, the Department of Homeland Security

    說到選舉,國土安全部。

  • looked into Trump's claims of voter fraud

    調查了特朗普的選民舞弊指控。

  • and here's what they found.

    這就是他們的發現。

  • -The President's own Department of Homeland Security

    -總統的國土安全部。

  • has released a statement calling last week's election

    已發表聲明,稱上週的選舉。

  • "The most secure in American history,"

    "美國曆史上最安全的"。

  • saying, "There is no evidence that any voting system

    說:"沒有任何證據表明任何投票制度。

  • was in any way compromised."

    是以任何方式妥協。"

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

    [笑聲和掌聲]

  • -Americans are like, "Hey, who do we believe,

    -美國人就像,"嘿,我們相信誰。

  • the Trump administration or the Trump administration?"

    特朗普政府還是特朗普政府?"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Yep, they said the election was the most secure.

    是的,他們說選舉是最安全的。

  • While the President is the most insecure.

    雖然總統是最不安全的。

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

    [笑聲和掌聲]

  • Listen to this, the Trump campaign just shut down

    聽聽這個,特朗普競選團隊剛剛關閉了。

  • its voter fraud hotline because it was flooded

    它的選民欺詐熱線,因為它被淹沒。

  • with prank calls. [ Light laughter ]

    與惡作劇電話。[輕笑]

  • It's not a great sign when your fraud hotline is riddled

    當你的詐騙熱線充滿了欺詐,這不是一個好兆頭

  • with fraud, but...

    詐騙,但...

  • Yeah, they shut down the hotline because of pranks.

    是啊,他們關閉熱線是因為惡作劇。

  • Also because a bunch of confused people kept calling in

    也是因為一群糊塗人不停地打電話進來。

  • asking how to baste a turkey.

    問如何給火雞打底。

  • "Just make sure you take the plastic bag out of the --

    "只要確保你把塑膠袋從------"。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • That's the biggest mistake everyone makes."

    這是大家犯的最大錯誤。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • This is pretty amazing.

    這是相當驚人的。

  • Today, Trump's Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany was asked

    今天,特朗普的新聞祕書Kayleigh McEnany被問到。

  • if the president would attend January's inauguration.

    如果總統會出席1月份的就職典禮。

  • Check out what she said.

    看看她是怎麼說的。

  • -It would look pretty bad if he did not attend

    -如果他不參加的話,就會顯得非常糟糕

  • the inauguration.

    就職典禮。

  • It would look like sour grapes, wouldn't it?

    看起來就像酸葡萄,不是嗎?

  • -I think the President will attend his own inauguration.

    -我認為總統會參加自己的就職典禮。

  • He would have to be there, in fact.

    事實上,他必須在那裡。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • -The anchor was like, "Right.

    -主播就說:"好吧。

  • Anyway, back to the news here on Earth."

    總之,回到地球上的新聞。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • [ Applause ]

    [掌聲]

  • Yeah, Biden's got it all locked up, and last night

    是的 拜登已經把一切都鎖定了 昨晚

  • he was officially projected to win another big state.

    他被官方預測將贏得另一個大州。

  • -NBC News now projects Joe Biden

    NBC新聞現在預測喬-拜登

  • as the winner of Arizona.

    作為亞利桑那州的贏家。

  • -You know, I've got to be honest, it's really starting

    -你知道,我得說實話,這真的開始了。

  • to look like Trump won't win the presidency.

    以顯得特朗普不會贏得總統寶座。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • I'm just saying. I...

    我只是說說而已I...

  • You can tell Trump is mad.

    你可以看出特朗普很生氣。

  • Today, he called Mexico and told them they could have Arizona.

    今天,他打電話給墨西哥,告訴他們可以擁有亞利桑那。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • This afternoon, the state of Georgia was also called

    今天下午,喬治亞州也被稱為

  • for Joe Biden.

    為喬-拜登。

  • Okay, now I'm really thinking

    好吧,現在我真的在想

  • Trump might not win the presidency.

    特朗普可能不會贏得總統職位。

  • I think Trump is out of ideas. Today, he asked,

    我覺得特朗普是沒辦法了。今天,他問。

  • "Is Guam a state?

    "關島是一個州嗎?

  • Probably 80 electoral votes in Guam."

    關島大概有80張選舉票。"

  • Meanwhile, speaking of the president-elect,

    同時,說到當選總統。

  • yesterday Biden got

    昨天拜登得到了

  • a very special congratulatory phone call.

    一個非常特別的祝賀電話。

  • Watch this.

    看這個。

  • -Biden has continued to field

    -拜登繼續在現場

  • congratulatory phone calls from world leaders,

    世界各國領導人的祝賀電話;

  • including a phone call with Pope Francis.

    包括與教皇方濟各通電話。

  • -It was a great call. They talked about faith, peace,

    -這是一個偉大的電話。他們談到了信仰,和平。

  • and what it's like to take over for someone who won't leave.

    以及接替不願離開的人的感覺。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • [ Applause ]

    [掌聲]

  • I'm actually a little surprised the Pope called Biden.

    其實我有點驚訝教皇給拜登打電話。

  • He's always seemed such a big fan of Trump's.

    他似乎一直是特朗普的忠實粉絲。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • It seems like there's so much going on right now.

    現在好像有很多事情發生。

  • Trump still hasn't conceded the election.

    特朗普仍然沒有承認選舉。

  • The Masters Tournament just kicked off.

    大師賽剛剛開賽。

  • Baby Yoda is being canceled online.

    尤達寶寶在網上被取消了。

  • And Mountain Dew just released its own cookbook.

    而山露水剛剛發佈了自己的烹飪書。

  • There's a lot to go over, so let's just jump in

    有很多東西要講,所以我們就跳進去吧。

  • and cover it all at once. It's time for "News Smash."

    並一次性覆蓋全部。現在是 "新聞大亂鬥 "的時候了。

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

    [歡呼聲和掌聲]

  • -First up, the Masters.

    -首先是大師賽

  • The tournament started yesterday and the grand prize is worth

    比賽昨天開始,大獎的價值是

  • over $2 million.

    200萬美元以上。

  • Everyone is waiting to see who is going to win or lose it all

    大家都在等著看誰會贏誰會輸掉一切

  • down in Georgia.

    在喬治亞州。

  • Speaking of losing in Georgia, President Trump...

    說到在喬治亞州的失利,特朗普總統... ...

  • [ Laughter ] ...lost the election

    [笑聲] ...輸掉了選舉。

  • fair and square but refuses to concede

    平心而論,互不相讓

  • and now some of his supporters plan to march on Washington.

    現在他的一些支持者計劃在華盛頓遊行。

  • He could stop all of this, but he continues to divide us,

    他可以阻止這一切,但他繼續分裂我們。

  • almost as much as Baby Yoda.

    幾乎和尤達寶寶一樣。

  • People -- People are not happy with him.

    人們--人們對他不滿意。

  • In a recent episode of "The Mandalorian,"

    在最近的一集 "曼陀羅人 "中,"

  • he ate the eggs of an endangered species

    他吃了一個瀕臨滅絕的物種的蛋。

  • and some people are saying he should be punished.

    有些人說他應該受到懲罰。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Speaking of being punished for something you ate,

    說到因為吃的東西而被懲罰。

  • the new Mountain Dew Cookbook.

    新的《山露水食譜》。

  • 96 pages of recipes, like Mountain Dew mozzarella bites

    96頁的菜單,比如山露水馬蘇裡拉奶酪餅。

  • covered in Flamin' Hot Cheeto crumbs.

    覆蓋在火辣辣的奇奧麵包屑。

  • That's a heart attack waiting to happen.

    這是一個等待發生的心臟病發作。

  • Which is also a good way to describe President Trump.

    這也是形容特朗普總統的好辦法。

  • He spent all week claiming voter fraud

    他整個星期都在聲稱選民舞弊

  • and tweeting conspiracy theories.

    和推特上的陰謀論。

  • Come on, man, you lost.

    來吧,夥計,你輸了。

  • Even the Pope said Biden won.

    連教皇都說拜登贏了。

  • At some point you have to look at the President and go,

    在某些時候,你必須看著總統走。

  • "Stop being such a...baby."

    "別這麼......寶貝。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • He really shouldn't have eaten those eggs.

    他真的不應該吃那些雞蛋。

  • They belonged to that nice frog lady who clearly told you

    他們是屬於那個好心的青蛙小姐的,她很清楚地告訴過你

  • to stop, even though she sounded like --

    停止,即使她聽起來像 --

  • [ Imitates frog ]

    [模仿青蛙]

  • Which makes about as much sense as a Mountain Dew cookbook.

    這和山露水烹飪書的意義差不多。

  • I mean -- [ Laughter and applause ]

    我的意思是 - [笑聲和掌聲]

  • Mountain Dew jalapeno poppers. Mountain Dew pancakes.

    山露水墨西哥辣椒爆米花。山露水煎餅。

  • Mountain Dew Code Red brisket.

    山露碼紅牛腩。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Actually, that last one would go really well on a sandwich.

    事實上,最後一個在三明治上會很好。

  • Sand wedge.

    沙楔。

  • [ Laughter and groans ]

    [笑聲和呻吟聲]

  • Which...

    哪個...

  • they'll be using --

    他們將使用 -

  • Tariq, I can hear you laughing.

    塔裡克,我能聽到你的笑聲。

  • Which they'll be using at the Masters.

    他們將在大師賽上使用。

  • I always wanted one of those classic blazers.

    我一直想要一件經典的夾克衫。

  • They're so tacky and green like the Mountain Dew Cookbook.

    他們太俗氣了,像山露水食譜一樣綠色。

  • If stuff sounds awful, you might as well fire up

    如果東西聽起來很糟糕,你可能會解僱了。

  • a blender and toss in... Baby Yoda.

    攪拌器,然後扔進... ...小尤達。

  • In conclusion,

    最後:

  • do your best.

    盡力而為

  • Do better.

    做得更好。

  • Better Dew.

    更好的露。

  • Maybe don't.

    也許不需要

  • This has been a "News Smash." [ Applause ]

    這已經是一個 "新聞大爆炸"。[掌聲]

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • Hey, listen to this. If you're looking to get away

    嘿,聽這個。如果你想離開

  • for a few days, I heard about a new place that you can rent.

    幾天來,我聽說一個新的地方,你可以租。

  • Take a look at this.

    看看這個。

  • -You can now spend a night in the mansion

    -你現在可以在大宅裡過夜了

  • from "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette."

    從 "單身漢 "和 "單身女郎"。

  • For only $6,000 a night, you can rent the home on Airbnb.

    只要6000美元一晚,你就可以在Airbnb上租下這套房子。

  • -6 grand might sound steep, but the genital warts

    -六千塊錢可能聽起來很貴,但生殖器的疣體

  • you get from the hot tub are free.

    你從溫泉浴場得到的是免費的。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • So far there's only one review, and all it says is,

    到目前為止,只有一條評論,上面寫的都是。

  • "My blacklight threw itself in the tub."

    "我的黑光燈自己扔進了浴缸裡。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • I don't know what to make of this one.

    我不知道該如何看待這個問題。

  • Some towns in Japan were having problems with bears.

    日本的一些城鎮都有熊的問題。

  • So they're trying a new way to scare them off.

    所以他們在嘗試一種新的方式來嚇退他們。

  • Check this out. -Countryside towns deploying

    查一查。-農村鄉鎮部署

  • these monster wolves to scare bears away from homes.

    這些怪物狼來嚇唬熊遠離家園。

  • Flashing lights, 60 different sounds,

    閃爍的燈光,60種不同的聲音。

  • and a head that can sense motion.

    和一個能感知運動的頭。

  • [ Shrieks ]

    [尖叫聲]

  • -Nice.

    -很好

  • -I fully support not shooting bears,

    -我完全支持不射殺熊。

  • but it more humane to give them a heart attack?

    但讓他們心臟病發作更人性化?

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • And finally, this is a great. A 102-year-old woman just became

    最後,這是一個偉大的。一個102歲的老太太剛剛成為

  • the world's oldest curler. Here she is.

    世界上最古老的捲髮器。她來了

  • Ah.

    啊。

  • Oh, no. I just got word

    哦,不,我剛剛得到消息我剛剛得到消息

  • she got suspended for performance enhancing prunes.

    她被停職了,因為業績提升梅子。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • That's right, a 102-year-old curler.

    沒錯,一個102歲的捲髮器。

  • Every time she steps onto the ice, her hips are like,

    每當她踏上冰面,她的臀部就像。

  • "Lola, you crazy bitch." [ Laughter ]

    "羅拉,你這個瘋狂的婊子。"[笑聲]

-Oh, it feels good. Welcome, welcome, welcome,

-哦,這感覺很好。歡迎,歡迎,歡迎

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特朗普支持者準備在華盛頓特區舉行百萬MAGA大遊行|今夜秀場 (Trump Supporters Prepare for Million MAGA March in D.C. | The Tonight Show)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2020 年 11 月 14 日
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