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  • A few weeks ago,

    譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Zoe Walmsley

  • I sat down with my mother

    幾週前,

  • and told her something that I had been keeping from her for 22 years.

    我和我母親促膝長談,

  • From the time that I was 14 years old

    告訴她一件我隱瞞了22 年的往事。

  • until I was 16,

    從十四歲開始一直到十六歲那段時間,

  • I was sexually assaulted.

    我持續遭受性侵。

  • It was scary and confusing.

    除了惶恐、困惑,

  • It was humiliating.

    我也覺得很羞恥。

  • And even though I can genuinely say

    即使我能打從心底說

  • that my mom and I have always had a close relationship,

    我們母女關係始終很親密,

  • I never told her.

    我從未提起這件事。

  • Even with recent movements bringing the topics

    即使最近的改革浪潮

  • of sexual abuse and sexual assault into mainstream conversation,

    將性虐待和性侵帶入主流討論中,

  • I stayed silent.

    我仍然保持沉默。

  • And I guarantee that for every brave soul who said "Me too,"

    我保證,相對於每一個 勇敢說出「我也是」的人,

  • there were countless others who didn't ...

    還有無數保持緘默的人……

  • who still haven't.

    或者尚未出聲。

  • Why didn't those people speak up earlier?

    那些人為什麼不早點說出來?

  • Why didn't I?

    我為什麼不早點說出來?

  • Because of the shame.

    因為羞恥感。

  • Because of that feeling inside

    因為內在有個聲音告訴我

  • telling me that what happened to me was my fault.

    發生在我身上是我的錯。

  • We all hear that voice sometimes.

    所有人都曾聽到那個聲音。

  • It tells us things like,

    通常是說:

  • you are aren't good enough,

    你不夠好,

  • you aren't smart enough ...

    你不夠聰明……

  • you can't give a TED talk.

    你不能去 TED 演講。

  • We hear that voice,

    一旦那個聲音出現, 就掩蓋掉其他的聲音。

  • and it becomes difficult to hear anything else.

    我們開始苦惱別人會怎麼想, 他們會怎麼評判我們——

  • We begin to agonize over what other people will think of us --

    如果他們發現那些 我們隱埋深處的秘密。

  • how they will judge us

    羞恥感可以強大到成為我們的一部分。

  • if they found out our darkest secrets.

    我把我的遭遇告訴母親後,

  • Shame is so powerful that it can become part of who we are.

    她第一個反應就是:

  • I told my mom what happened to me

    「喔,克莉絲汀,

  • and one of the first things that she said was,

    我一直很好奇是什麼原因 這麼多年來驅使妳努力不懈。」

  • "Oh, Kristin,

    原來她比我還早知道。

  • I've been wondering what's been driving you so hard all of these years."

    為了彌補那個根深蒂固的羞恥感,

  • She could see it before I could.

    我拼命在人生的每個面向追求完美。

  • My shame was so deep-rooted

    努力打造完美的家,

  • that I had overcompensated by trying to be perfect

    完美的職業生涯,

  • in every other area of my life.

    試圖藉由取得控制權 來平衡我內心的混亂。

  • Trying to build the perfect family,

    始終不斷打造世人眼中所看到的我,

  • the perfect career,

    只因為內心深處覺得自己不夠好。

  • by trying to exhibit control instead of the chaos I felt inside.

    母親總說我蠟燭兩頭燒,

  • I have been trying my entire life

    她終於明白為什麼了。

  • to orchestrate how the world perceives me,

    有些人的羞恥感比他人強,

  • because inside I haven't felt good enough.

    但性虐待對所有人一視同仁。

  • She always said that I burned the candle at both ends,

    它就是能讓最自信的人

  • and now she knew why.

    充滿痛苦、負面的想法。

  • Some people may be more prone to shame than others,

    為什麼?

  • but sexual abuse doesn't discriminate.

    因為它剝奪了我們某種控制權──

  • It has the ability

    一個真正完全屬於自己的事物──

  • to make even the most confident of us think painful, negative thoughts.

    我們的身體。

  • Why?

    從一開始,就有個想法 一直在我腦中,揮之不去。

  • Because it takes away control over the one thing in this life

    只要我開始想為什麼我會遭到性侵,

  • that is supposed to be truly and entirely our own:

    那個念頭就出現:

  • our bodies.

    一切都是我的錯。

  • I've been haunted by one thought since my experience first began.

    我說「不」說得不夠。

  • As I tried to make sense of what happened to me,

    下次,我要把「不」說得更好。

  • I thought to myself:

    我曾經質疑過為什麼自己如此反應,

  • this is all my fault.

    以及為什麼我的羞恥感 如此深、如此沉重,

  • I didn't say "no" good enough.

    深沉到讓我隱瞞這麼久才說出真相。

  • Next time, I'll say "no" better.

    現在我是家長了, 有兩個很棒的孩子,

  • I've questioned why that was my go-to response

    我經常懷想自己能做什麼,

  • and why my shame was so deep and heavy

    以及我們整個社會能怎麼做,

  • that it paralyzed me from speaking my truth for so long.

    不讓羞恥感佔上風,

  • And now that I'm the parent of two amazing children,

    而且讓我們的下一代明確有力地知道

  • I constantly wonder what I can do

    發生性侵事件不是他們的錯。

  • and what we can all do as a society

    布芮尼•布朗博士深入研究了 羞恥感和軟弱,

  • to get ahead of the shame

    她說羞恥感是最強大的「主控」情緒。

  • and instead empower our children to know without a doubt

    我再同意不過了。

  • that sexual abuse isn't their fault.

    羞恥感能讓遭受到性侵

  • Dr. Brené Brown,

    或被大人以其他方式傷害的孩子

  • who has done incredible research around shame and vulnerability,

    把自己與外界隔離,

  • calls shame the most powerful master emotion.

    同時內在感受到強烈的痛苦。

  • And I couldn't agree more.

    但是,你想想看,

  • Shame has the power to make kids who have been sexually assaulted

    那不是極不公平嗎?

  • or in some other way victimized by adults

    當最終的結果是孩子感到羞恥,

  • turn in on themselves

    那不是整個社會的失敗嗎?

  • and experience intense internal pain.

    為什麼不是犯罪者?

  • But think about that.

    他們才是該為自身行為 感到羞恥的人,不是嗎?

  • Isn't that incredibly unfair?

    反之,他們利用孩子的羞恥感,

  • Haven't we failed as a society

    讓他們以為被性侵是他們的錯。

  • when the end result is a child feeling shame?

    侵犯我的人成功操縱了我的羞恥感,

  • Shouldn't it be the perpetrators?

    而我正中他下懷,

  • Shouldn't they be ashamed of what they've done?

    多年下來,痛苦煎熬的沉默 打成了一個死結。

  • Instead, they prey on the shame of children

    但那羞恥感也是我的錯嗎?

  • and manipulate them into thinking that what happened is their fault.

    撇開受害者身分,身為一個家長,

  • The person who violated me fed my shame

    我和許多人一樣,

  • and I played right into it,

    都曾不經思索地對自己的孩子說:

  • becoming a knot of tortured silence

    「別讓任何人碰你; 也別讓任何人傷害你;

  • for many years.

    別讓自己陷入可能會受害的情況。」

  • But is that shame also my fault?

    做為父母,我們以為這麼說 是讓孩子知道身體是自己的主權,

  • Not as a victim but as a parent,

    但是在說「別讓任何人碰你」時,

  • who like so many of us,

    其實真正傳達的訊息是:

  • has unthinkingly said things to my children like,

    「你要為別人的行為負責。」

  • "Don't let anyone touch you;

    我們把整件事說得好像 孩子有控制權一樣,

  • don't let anyone hurt you;

    這很不切實際,

  • don't put yourself in situations where you can become a victim."

    因為這樣說反而是給孩子

  • As parents, we believe that we're empowering our children

    帶來一種錯誤的責任感。

  • to take ownership of their bodies,

    彷彿一個內在的聲音在說

  • but when we say "don't let anyone touch you,"

    阻止壞事發生是他們的責任,

  • what we're really saying is

    即使還是小孩,也有責任 去阻止他人的行為,

  • "you are responsible for the actions of somebody else."

    對抗那些通常比他們高大、

  • We're treating this subject like it's something children can control,

    強壯、

  • which is unrealistic,

    年長的人。

  • and are in turn creating a sense of false responsibility

    這樣的訊息聽起來像是 我應該要能阻止事情的發生,

  • in the mind of a child.

    而這讓我只能怪罪自己。

  • An internal narrative that tells them it is their job

    因而產出也相信是我做錯的想法。

  • to stop bad things from happening,

    我經常在想自己是否無意間 也對我的孩子傳達了同樣的訊息。

  • that they as children are responsible for stopping the actions

    我想要保護自己的孩子並沒錯,

  • of someone who is usually bigger,

    但我可能錯在不經意地

  • stronger

    將自己小時候相信的訊息灌輸給他們,

  • and older than they are.

    以為自己只要說「不」 就可以阻止別人侵犯我,

  • I heard a message that I should have been able to stop what was happening to me

    但是如此一來,

  • and that made me blame myself.

    如果我說的「不」沒有奏效,

  • I developed and then believed the idea that I had done something wrong.

    那就變成我的錯。

  • I constantly wonder if I'm unintentionally setting the same traps for my children.

    身為倖存者,

  • I'm not wrong for wanting to keep my kids safe,

    現在我想要告訴他們 我當年渴望聽到的訊息:

  • but I might be wrong for inadvertently telling them the same sorts of things

    在面對明知故犯的大人時,

  • that I believed as a child --

    身為孩子的你不該責怪自己無能為力。

  • that I could prevent someone from taking advantage of me

    但,同時,

  • by saying "no,"

    我也希望他們相信他們有能力

  • and therefore,

    可以阻止別人佔他們便宜。

  • if my "no" didn't work,

    我希望他們知道身體是屬於自己的。

  • that it was my fault.

    我想要告訴我的孩子我能保護他們,

  • As a survivor,

    我真的想要相信自己可以做到。

  • I want to tell them now what I longed to hear then:

    但是立意良善及母親的直覺之下

  • that there is nothing you can do

    埋藏著同樣的羞恥感。

  • to prevent yourself from being taken advantage of

    在告訴我的孩子他們有能力 預防遭受性侵時,

  • by someone who should know better.

    不正是說當年的我應該也能做到嗎?

  • But at the same time,

    我們教導孩子如何說「不」。

  • I want them to believe they have the power

    每次我也說「不」。

  • to stop someone from taking advantage of them.

    但我很快就學到「不」不見得都有用。

  • I want them to feel ownership of their bodies.

    我不是說教孩子說「不」是錯的,

  • I want to tell my kids that I can protect them,

    只是那不是解決方法。

  • and I want to believe that.

    這個概念很難溝通,

  • But buried beneath all those good intentions

    但這是我們必須面對的現實,

  • and motherly instincts

    必須與孩子開誠布公的事實。

  • is that same shame.

    即使我一再說「不」去拖延時間,

  • If I tell my kids that there's something they can do to prevent sexual assault,

    事情最終還是會發生。

  • doesn't that mean that there's something that I could have done?

    到最後我覺得,乾脆屈服熬過去,

  • We teach our children to say "no".

    至少到下次再發生前我能得到點平靜。

  • I said "no" every time.

    但這樣做讓我覺得徹底失敗。

  • And I quickly learned that "no" doesn't always work.

    因為對發生在自己身上的事 只有全然的無力感,

  • That doesn't mean that saying "no" is the wrong idea,

    而任何想補救挽回的春秋大夢

  • just that it's not a solution.

    只是更加深自己的罪惡感和羞恥感,

  • This is a scary concept to talk about,

    為什麼我不夠強硬阻止凌虐我的人。

  • but it's a reality that we have to face

    我為自己的軟弱感到罪惡。

  • and be honest about with our children.

    我為自己的害怕感到罪惡。

  • The more that I said "no,"

    我本應更強硬一點的。

  • the more I prolonged the inevitable.

    我本應把「不」說得更響亮。

  • It got to the point where I felt

    我的「不」本應足以阻止一切。

  • that if I just gave in and got it over with,

    現在我改變方式,告訴我的孩子, 如果壞事發生了,

  • at least I would have some peace until whenever the next time would be.

    絕對不是因為他們沒有去防止,

  • That made me feel like a failure.

    也不應該在說了「不」後 還得獨力承擔後果。

  • I felt all sense of power I had over the situation slip away,

    性侵案感覺像是隨機事件, 但其實是有跡可循的。

  • and any grand illusions of fixing what had happened

    日常生活中,隨時都可能發生,

  • only compounded the guilt and shame that I felt

    因為我們的社會扭曲也限制了 我們對性暴力的了解:

  • for not being strong enough to stop my abuse.

    社會的性別規範、 長久以來系統性地歧視女性、

  • Now I felt guilty for being weak.

    犧牲迫害受害者,

  • I felt guilty for being scared.

    太多原因了。

  • I was supposed to be stronger.

    這不僅是個人的問題,

  • I was supposed to say "no" better.

    特別是當研究指出,

  • My "no" was supposed to be enough.

    平均每四個女孩就有一個,

  • Now instead, I try to tell my kids that if something bad happens to them,

    每十三個男孩中也有一個

  • it's not because they didn't prevent it

    在童年的某階段遭受到性虐待。

  • nor is it on their shoulders alone to say "no."

    這代表問題無法憑個人力量解決。

  • Although it feels like it,

    於是,

  • sexual assault doesn't occur in a vacuum.

    當我教導孩子勇氣、毅力、

  • It is enabled every single day

    鍥而不捨和克服障礙時,

  • by how our society misrepresents

    我確保他們知道

  • and conditions us to think about sexual violence:

    勇氣並不代表獨自面對挑戰 或隻身承受絕望的感覺。

  • the gender norms and systemic misogyny that are ever-present,

    事實上,團結就是力量,

  • the victimization of victims

    求助也是力量的表現。

  • and so much more.

    我對自己因為不想顯得軟弱 而選擇沉默感到羞恥,

  • It is not just an individual problem,

    可是我現在了解了,

  • especially when some studies show

    談論自已的遭遇只會讓我變得更堅強。

  • that as many as one in four girls

    同時我的羞恥感開始消散。

  • and one in 13 boys experience sexual abuse

    我教導我的孩子勇氣,

  • at some point during childhood.

    我希望他們知道,

  • And that means it's not just on individuals to solve it.

    勇敢、堅強的人會適時求助。

  • So of course while I try to teach my kids about strength and resilience

    我記得小時候,

  • and persevering, and overcoming obstacles,

    我父母會陪我走到公車站。

  • I make sure that they know

    他們說那是為了我的安全,我也相信。

  • strength doesn't mean facing challenges or dark feelings alone.

    我也記得他們要我特別小心 留意一輛白色箱型車。

  • In fact, there's strength in numbers

    但就像九成遭到性虐待的孩童一樣,

  • and strength in asking for help.

    我並不是在街角被擄走 或是在購物中心被綁架。

  • I was ashamed to speak up for fear of appearing weak,

    我是被熟人侵犯。

  • but what I learned

    我父母已經盡全力保護我,

  • is talking about what happened to me only made me stronger.

    但沒人知道內在的羞恥感 早就開始悄悄地建立,

  • It made my shame start to dissipate.

    在我們講到「危險陌生人」時,

  • I teach my kids about courage,

    在學說「不」避免成為受害者時。

  • and I want them to know

    當然,這並非他們的原意。

  • that courageous, strong people ask for help.

    他們只是做全天下父母都會做的事……

  • I remember when I was little,

    以為我們能怎樣保護孩子不碰到壞人,

  • my parents would walk me to the bus stop.

    但實際上是不可能的。

  • They said it was to keep my safe,

    而且性侵害的問題

  • and I believed that.

    也不會因為責怪受害者 或潛在受害者就解決,

  • I remember always looking out for that white van

    包含我們所愛的人在內。

  • that I had been warned about.

    真正該責怪的對象百分之百是犯罪者。

  • But like over 90 percent of children who are sexually abused,

    當被怪罪的是其他人時,

  • I wasn't taken off a street corner or abducted from a shopping mall.

    不僅讓性侵者完全逃避責任,

  • I was violated by someone I knew.

    也帶給受害者永難抹滅的羞恥感。

  • My parents did everything they could to protect me,

    而我真的厭倦了感到羞恥。

  • but what none of us realized

    老實說,

  • was the foundation of shame that was building inside

    針對這場演講,我寫了 至少十種版本的結論,

  • when we talked about "stranger danger"

    但沒有一個感覺對的。

  • and saying "no"

    我想原因應該是沒有所謂的結論。

  • and not becoming a victim.

    這個問題無法被裝盒包起來,

  • Of course this wasn't intentional.

    打上完美的蝴蝶結,

  • They did what all of us want to do as parents ...

    放到一邊,就大功告成。

  • imagine that there's something we can do to protect our children from bad things,

    這問題需要我們持續不斷、

  • but the fact is we can't.

    公開地對話、

  • And we can't solve the problem of sexual assault

    無論感覺如何地不自在。

  • by shifting all of the blame onto victims or potential victims

    無論我多想要保護我的孩子,

  • or even our loved ones.

    我已經了解自己在保護 他們不遇到性暴力這件事上,

  • The blame, 100 percent, is with the perpetrators.

    所能做的就跟當初我的父母一樣。

  • And pretending that it lies anywhere else

    但是我可以保護他們不遭受羞恥感。

  • not only allows those who commit assault to escape full responsibility

    求上帝不讓我的孩子遭遇我所經歷的。

  • but also perpetuates shame for victims.

    至少,我希望他們知道,

  • And I for one am tired of being ashamed.

    性侵不是,

  • I'll be honest with you.

    過去不是,

  • I wrote at least 10 different conclusions to this talk,

    未來即使發生也不會是他們的錯。

  • but none of them felt right.

    謝謝。

  • And I think that's because there isn't a conclusion here.

  • There's no way to wrap this subject up in a box,

  • tie it in a perfect bow,

  • set it aside and call it done.

  • This requires ongoing,

  • open

  • and sometimes uncomfortable conversations.

  • And as much as I want to protect my children now,

  • what I've come to realize is I can't protect them from sexual violence

  • any more than my parents could have protected me.

  • But what I can protect them from is shame.

  • God forbid my children go through what I went through.

  • I, at the very least, want them to know

  • that sexual assault is not,

  • never was

  • and never will be their fault.

  • Thank you.

A few weeks ago,

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Zoe Walmsley

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A2 初級 中文 性侵 孩子 訊息 受害 性虐待 內在

Why children stay silent following sexual violence | Kristin Jones

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2020 年 11 月 14 日