My guest tonight is here in person.

今晚我的客人親自來了。

This is the first time in, like eight months that I have talked to a human being because my family and I don't get along.

這是我八個月來第一次和人說話，因為我和我的家人相處不好。

He's, of course, a very talented actor who starred in such films as Stepbrothers, Talladega Nights, Walk Hard, The Dewey Cox Story and Chicago.

當然，他是一個非常有才華的演員，他主演了《步步驚心》、《塔拉迪加之夜》、《艱難行走》、《杜威-考克斯的故事》和《芝加哥》等影片。

Now he can be seen in the new Showtime, Siri's Moonbase eight, which I love Please welcome John C.

現在，在新的Showtime中可以看到他的身影，Siri的月球基地八號，我喜歡請歡迎約翰-C。

Reilly.

雷利。

I can't believe you're Here.

我不敢相信你在這裡。

Yes, thanks, folks.

是的，謝謝大家。

All three of you.

你們三個都是

Look, Andy, a human being agreed to come here and sit with me, and it's John C.

聽著，安迪，有個人同意來這裡和我一起坐，他是約翰-C.

Reilly.

雷利。

I still don't believe it's John C.

我還是不相信是約翰-C。

Reilly me and pretty far away.

雷利我和相當遠。

And it sounds like him, but I don't.

聽起來像他，但我不像。

I mean, it could be any of the movie Thio, you have a mustache on for the movie, but you should still recognize me.

我的意思是，可能是任何一部電影Thio，你為電影留了鬍子，但你應該還能認出我。

That's right.

是的

Well, anyway, um, I cannot tell you how happy I am to be talking to you in person.

好吧，無論如何，嗯，我不能告訴你我有多高興能和你親自交談。

I love talking to you.

我喜歡和你說話。

You've always been a good friend to me and to the show.

你一直是我和節目的好朋友。

But the fact that you got tested yesterday, you got tested for us?

但事實上，昨天你被檢測了，你為我們檢測了？

Yes.

是的，我知道

I've already been tested twice this weekend.

這個週末我已經被測試了兩次。

E was like, All right.

E是這樣的，好吧。

You want to send your guy to bring them on?

你要派你的人去帶他們上場嗎？

Right?

對吧？

So you've been tested, like, 600 times.

所以你已經被測試了600次。

Yeah, well, this weekend, just three.

是啊，這個週末，只有三個。

But that's quite a lot of knows, Probing for me.

但這是相當多的知道，對我來說，探究。

I generally don't go in for that.

我一般不會去做這個。

It's unbelievable to you.

這對你來說是不可思議的。

Like the far up the nose.

像遠在鼻子上的。

Yeah, well, I've been doing a couple to visit a friends movie set Paul Anderson shooting a movie right now.

是啊，我一直在做一對夫婦參觀朋友的電影集保羅-安德森拍攝的電影，現在。

And you can't even get anywhere near it without getting tested and everything.

而且你甚至不能接近它的任何地方 沒有得到測試和一切。

And I discovered there one nostril is better than the other.

我發現一個鼻孔比另一個好。

For me.

對我來說

Yes.

是的，我知道

You're like, if you have a preference.

你喜歡，如果你有喜好。

And I was like, I don't care.

我當時想，我不在乎。

Right?

對吧？

And then I was like like, there was a little resistance in the right, right?

然後我當時就想，右邊有一點阻力吧？

And then I realized, like I have kind of a deviated septum, I guess on my right hand side.

然後我意識到，我有一種偏曲的隔膜， 我猜在我的右手邊。

So make sure you pick your nostrils, right?

所以一定要摳鼻孔，對不對？

Yeah, correctly.

是的，正確的。

They get so far up there.

他們在那裡得到了這麼遠。

I don't know how many people watching have had the up the nose test, but if I was wearing a little hat on the back of my head.

我不知道看的人有多少人做過上鼻測試，但如果我的後腦勺上戴著一頂小帽子。

It would get knocked off.

會被打掉的。

They go back into cavities that you didn't.

他們回到你沒有的洞穴裡去。

I didn't.

我沒有啊

I thought the no stopped like here.

我以為沒有像這裡一樣停止。

Apparently, that cavity goes into the middle of the brain.

很顯然，那個腔體是進入大腦中間的。

You're a guy.

你是個男人

Got it done.

搞定了。

They used a chopstick.

他們用的是筷子。

I was like, That's not even a swab.

我當時想，這甚至不是一個棉籤。

Yeah, Andy, though that was not a testing site.

是啊，安迪，雖然那不是測試現場。

You went to a Chinese restaurant?

你去了一家中餐館？

E thought Panda Express was a drug store.

E以為熊貓快遞是一家藥店。

Okay, well, it's interesting for the for the film production one.

好吧，好吧，這對電影製作的一個有趣。

They go into the nose and then open your mouth into your mouth was the same one.

他們進入鼻子，然後打開你的嘴進入你的嘴是同一個。

It was like, I'm gonna force you to pick your nose real quick and you're gonna you're gonna force you to eat it.

這就像，我要去強迫你 挑你的鼻子真正的快，你要去... ...你要去強迫你吃它。

But you're a guy on.

但你是個男人在。

I'll call him your guy because you sent him to my house.

我會叫他你的人，因為你派他來我家。

He came and he was like I said, he's gonna do the nose and the mouth.

他來了，他就像我說的，他要做鼻子和嘴巴。

He's like, No, just the nose.

他說，不，只是鼻子。

And I was like, Oh, okay, so he puts it in, and it's like we're way far in, and he's like and hold on nine.

我當時想，哦，好吧，所以他把它在， 它像我們的方式遠在， 他的樣子，並保持在9。

Am I?

我是嗎？

What I gotta sit This thing parked in my nose for 10 seconds.

這東西在我鼻子裡停了10秒鐘。

Guess what?

你猜怎麼著？

That shocked me too, Because the person, because you agreed to do this, I got tested by a different person yesterday.

我也嚇了一跳，因為那個人，因為你同意這樣做，我昨天被另外一個人測試了。

He came to my house, must spend the same guy.

他到我家來，一定是花同一個人。

He got out.

他下車了。

He was wearing like, a track suit and he took the stick and he put it up my nose until they get back there and they start triggering weird memories and synapses that haven't been fired.

他當時穿的是運動服 他拿著棍子把棍子塞進我的鼻子裡 直到他們回到那裡，開始觸發奇怪的記憶和突觸，而這些記憶和突觸還沒有被髮射。

Apparently, I was in the circus as a child.

顯然，我小時候是在馬戲團。

I don't even any memory of it.

我甚至沒有任何記憶。

He put it way back there and then he let go, and he walked away and said 10 and I think he went and made a sandwich.

他把它放回那裡，然後他放手，他走了，說10，我想他去做了一個三明治。

I was I was unbelievable.

我是我是不可思議的。

And then he came back and took it out.

然後他回來了，把它拿出來。

And I'm like, What was that?

我想，那是什麼？

Yeah, I thought he was going to start doing like King a little bit further.

是啊，我還以為他要開始做像金一點點進一步。

King, King King.

國王，國王國王。

I remember I had my wisdom teeth taken out one time, and I was one of these things.

我記得有一次我拔了智齒，我就是這樣的一個東西。

I just decided that I needed, like my gums were bothering me.

我只是決定，我需要， 就像我的牙齦困擾著我。

In one part, I was like I'm gonna get those wisdom teeth taken out of that.

有一部分，我就想我要把那些智齒給拔掉。

My teeth will be straight like that didn't work.

我的牙齒會像那樣沒有用的一樣直。

But they said we could take it only three at once, because there's a danger if we do all four that you could, uh, mess up your nerves.

但他們說我們一次只能吃三顆，因為如果四顆都吃的話，會有危險，你可能會，呃，搞亂你的神經。

And And I remember that Give me the ivy of this anesthetic and I was laying there, and I was like, drifting off in la la land.

我記得給我常春藤的麻醉劑 我躺在那裡，我就像，漂流在啦啦的土地。

And I had this vague images of this woman, uh, oral surgeon working on me.

我有一個模糊的影像 這個女人，呃，口腔外科醫生對我的工作。

And then at one point, I remember I was just kind of spaced out And remember, I was like, I hear a hammer.

然後在一個點上，我記得我只是一種 間隔了，並記得，我想，我聽到一個錘子。

Her kink, kink, kink like that.

她的糾結，糾結，糾結這樣的。

I was like, That's so weird.

我當時想，這太奇怪了。

I hear I hear a hammer hitting like a metal stake, And then I look up and it's the woman She literally has a chisel and a hammer just going, Tink!

我聽到錘子像金屬樁一樣敲擊的聲音 然後我抬頭一看 是那個女人 她真的拿著鑿子和錘子在敲擊 叮噹

Tink, Trying to knock this thing out of my mouth like it's amazing what you put up with when you're high on something, Doctor gives you something he can literally say.

婷婷，想把這個東西從我嘴裡敲出來，就像當你嗑藥的時候，醫生給你的東西，他可以字面上說，這很神奇。

And now I'm removing your eye with a melon baller.

現在我要用甜瓜壓球機把你的眼睛挖掉。

You'd be like do it again.

你會喜歡做一遍。

I dio if you're happy.

如果你高興的話，我就去。

I literally remember the thought of like looking at this woman is like she's hitting me with a hammer and a chisel.

我真的記得當時的想法就像看著這個女人就像她在用錘子和鑿子打我。

That's fine.

這很好。

You know, like, Okay, I'm good.

你知道，像，好吧，我很好。