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  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: OKAY, LADIES AND

    好了,女士們,

  • GENTLEMEN, AGAIN, THESE ARE ACTUAL RESULTS THAT WE RECEIVED,

    先生們,再一次,這些都是我們收到的實際結果。

  • THANKS TO ADVANCE ED THANKS TO

    謝謝你們的支持。

  • ADVANCED COMPUTER MODELING AND THE OCCASIONAL SINGING TELEGRAM.

    ADVANCED COMPUTER MODELING AND THE OCCASIONAL SINGING TELEGRAM.

  • WHAT DO WE HAVE FIRST, MARYLAND?

    我們首先要做什麼,瑪麗蘭?

  • LET'S START IN MARYLAND, WHERE CBS PROJECTS THAT JOE BIDEN HAS

    讓我們從馬里蘭開始,在那裡哥倫比亞廣播公司的項目,喬-比登已經。

  • DEFEATED DONALD TRUMP.

    擊敗了唐納德-特朗普。

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "BUT MARYLAND AND I HAVE SO MUCH

    (作為特朗普)"但瑪麗蘭和我有這麼多的

  • IN COMMON!

    在共同的!

  • WE'RE BOTH KNOWN FOR GIVING PEOPLE CRABS!"

    我們都知道給人吃螃蟹!"

  • WE CAN ALSO REPORT THAT VERMONT HAS BEEN CALLED FOR FORMER VICE

    我們還可以報告說,佛蒙特已被徵召為前副總統。

  • PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.

    JOE BIDEN主席:

  • THE TICKET WAS GIVEN A HUGE BOOST, THANKS TO BEN & JERRY'S

    票價得到了很大的提升,感謝BEN和JERRY的支持

  • NEW FLAVOR: FORMER ICE PRETZEL-MINT

    新口味:原味冰激凌-薄荷味

  • CUP-OF-JOE BITE-IN AND CALI-FUDGIA SENA-PEANUTBU-TOR

    CUP-OF-JOE BITE-IN 和 CALI-FUDGIA SENA-PANUTBU-TOR

  • KAMALANANNA HARR-REECES-PIECES.

    卡馬蘭納-哈里斯-皮埃斯。

  • I HAVE TO HYDRATE AFTER THAT JOKE.

    開完那個玩笑我得補水。

  • THERE'S MORE?

    還有更多?

  • MOVING ON, WE ARE NOW ABLE TO PROJECT THAT DELAWARE HAS BEEN

    繼續前行,我們現在可以推算出,德拉瓦爾已經是

  • WON BY JOE BIDEN.

    由JOE BIDEN贏得。

  • WELL, I SHOULD HOPE SO.

    好吧,我希望如此。

  • IT'S HIS HOME STATE.

    這是他的家鄉。

  • THAT WOULD BE LIKE DONALD TRUMP LOSING NEW YORK.

    這將是像唐納德・特朗普失去了紐約。

  • HE WHAT?

    他什麼?

  • THAT'S GOTTA STING.

    這一定是刺痛。

  • WELL, AS I JUST PRETENDED TO HEAR FROM OFF CAMERA: NEW YORK

    好吧,就像我剛剛在鏡頭外聽到的那樣,紐約。

  • STATE AND ITS WHOPPING 29 ELECTORAL VOTES HAS JUST BEEN

    州政府和它的29張選舉票剛剛被。

  • CALLED FOR VICE PRESIDENT JOSEPH R. BIDEN.

    召見副主席JOSEPH R. BIDEN;

  • YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: IF YOU CAN MAKE IT HERE, YOU'RE NOT

    你知道他們說什麼:如果你能在這裡成功,你就不是。

  • DONALD TRUMP.

    唐納德・特朗普:

  • FURTHER SOUTH, THE NUMBER CALLERS HAVE CALLED THE NUMBERS,

    再往南,叫號者已經叫了號。

  • AND IT LOOKS LIKE KENTUCKY HAS GONE FOR DONALD TRUMP.

    看起來肯塔基州已經被唐納德・特朗普所取代。

  • AND, OH, OF OH, LOOK!

    而且,哦,哦,看!

  • MITCH McCONNELL IS SO PROUD, HE'S INFLATING HIS WATTLE!

    MITCH McCONNELL很驕傲,他在給自己的瓦特充氣! MITCH McCONNELL IS SO PRODUCE, HE'S INFLATING HIS WATTLE!

  • OH, AN AGGRESSIVE MATING GESTURE.

    哦,一個GRGRESSIVE MATING GESTURE。

  • WATCH OUT, LADIES.

    小心點,女士們。

  • NO SURPRISE, DONALD TRUMP HAS WON TENNESSEE, WHICH HAS AN

    毫不奇怪,唐納德-特朗普贏得了田納西州,該州有一個。

  • ACTUAL STATE GUN, THE BARRETT .50-CALIBER M82, WHICH I'M BEING

    真正的國槍,巴雷特.50口徑M82,我正在使用它。

  • TOLD HAS ALSO WON ITS SENATE SEAT.

    TOLD也贏得了我的參議院席位。

  • AND A LITTLE FURTHER WEST, OR NORTH-- I'M NOT SURE--

    再往西或往北走一點... 我不確定...

  • INDIANA HAS JUST BEEN CALLED FOR DONALD TRUMP.

    印第安納州剛剛被稱為唐納德・特朗普。

  • WELL, OF COURSE, IT WAS EITHER VOTE FOR HIM, OR TAKE MIKE PENCE

    好吧,當然,要麼投給他,要麼拿下邁克-彭斯。

  • BACK.

    返回。

  • THAT WAS AN EASY CALL.

    那是一個簡單的電話。

  • AND FOR ANY OKIES WONDERING HOW YOUR PAN IS BEING HANDLED, I CAN

    對於那些想知道你的潘如何處理的OKIES,我可以...

  • NOW CONDFIDENTALY REPORT THAT THE STATE OF OKLAHOMA IS BEING

    我現在可以肯定地報告說,俄克拉荷馬州正在被

  • CALLED FOR DONALD TRUMP.

    為唐納德-特朗普打call。

  • WELL, YOU KNOW HOW THE SONG GOES:

    好吧,你知道這首歌是怎麼唱的。

  • ( TO THE TUNE OF "OKLAHOMA" ) ♪ OOOOKLAHOMA, WHERE THEY DON'T

    "OOOOKLAHOMA,在那裡他們不

  • CARE TRUMP KILLED HERMAN CAINHOW ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE?

    關心特朗普殺了赫爾曼-凱恩,你在那邊過得怎麼樣?

  • DID YOU GET SOME MORE WINE?

    你又買到酒了嗎?

  • WITH WE GET HER SOME MORE WINE, PLEASE?

    我們再給她來點酒,好嗎?

  • THAT'S NOT A JOKE.

    這不是一個玩笑。

  • THE WOMAN NEEDS TO STAY-- WHATEVER THAT STATE SHE'S IN

    這個女人需要留下來 -- 無論她處於什麼狀態下

  • RIGHT NOW.

    現在。

  • SPEAKING OF STATES ANOTHER STATE HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY DECIDED.

    說到州,另一個州已經正式決定。

  • SOUTH DAKOTA IS BEING CALLED FOR DONALD TRUMP.

    南達科他州被稱為唐納德-特朗普。

  • LET'S SEE HOW PEOPLE IN THE STATE ARE REACTING,

    讓我們看看州里的人們是如何反應的。

  • AAAND...

    還有...

  • >> AND OH NO!

    >> 哦,不!

  • >> ( BLEEP )!

    >> ( BLEEP )!

  • >> Stephen: OKAY.

    >> Stephen:好的

  • BACK EAST I'M GETTING-- IS THIS TRUE?

    回到東邊,我得到了 - 這是真的嗎?

  • I AM GETTING BREAKING RESULTS FROM TWO HOURS AGO THAT NEW

    我從兩小時前就得到了突破性的結果,新的。

  • JERSEY HAS BEEN CALLED FOR JOE BIDEN.

    傑西已經被叫去找喬-比登了。

  • THAT MAKES SENSE.

    這是有道理的。

  • AFTER ALL, THE FIRST-EVER BASEBALL GAME WAS PLAYED IN NEW

    畢竟,有史以來的第一場棒球比賽是在紐澤西舉行的。

  • JERSEY IN 1846, AND JOE BIDEN WAS THERE.

    1846年的傑西州,喬-比登也在那裡。

  • YEP, STILL GONNA DO THESE JOKES, SIR!

    是的,仍然要做這些笑話,先生!

  • AND I AM ALSO GETTING RESULTS IN FROM THE NATIONS MOST

    我也得到了結果,從國家最

  • MASSACHUSETTS-Y STATE, MASSACHUSETTS.

    MASSACHUSETTS-Y州,MASSACHUSETTS。

  • WE ARE READY TO PROJECT THAT IT HAS GONE FOR JOE BIDEN.

    我們已經準備好了,它已經為喬-比登的項目。

  • BIDEN WON THE HEARTS OF BOSTONIANS WITH HIS

    比登用他的作品贏得了波士頓人的心。

  • MESSAGE OF TELLING A GUY FROM NEW YORK TO SHUT THE HELL UP.

    告訴一個來自紐約的傢伙閉嘴的消息。

  • OF COURSE, ALL DAY WE'VE BEEN WAITING ON RESULTS FROM OUR

    當然,我們一整天都在等我們的結果

  • COUNTRY'S MOST RECTANGULAR STATE, COLORADO.

    全國最直角的州,科羅拉多州。

  • AND WE GOT THEM.

    我們得到了他們。

  • AND IT LOOKS LIKE JOE BIDEN HAS JUST WON COLORADO!

    看來喬-比登剛剛贏得了科羅拉多州!

  • HERE'S AN INTERESTING FACT: COLORADO HAS A LONG HISTORY OF

    這裡有一個有趣的事實:科羅拉多州有一個很長的歷史

  • VOTING BY MAIL.

    它是通過郵件。

  • IN THIS YEAR'S STATE PRIMARIES, 99.3% OF VOTERS USED MAIL-IN

    在今年的州初選中,99.3%的選民使用了郵寄方式。

  • BALLOTS.

    投票:

  • THE REMAINING .7% COULDN'T, BECAUSE THEY AHD TURNED THEIR

    剩下的0.7%的人不能,因為他們已經把自己的錢交出去了。

  • MAILBOX INTO A BONG.

    郵政信箱變成了一個邦。

  • THERE'S MORE.

    還有更多。

  • HERE WE GO.

    在這裡,我們去。

  • MISSOURI.

    密蘇里州:

  • I'M PRETENDING THIS NEWS HAS JUST BEEN HANDED TO ME.

    我想這個消息是剛送到我手裡的。

  • MISSOURI HAS JUST BEEN CALLED FOR DONALD TRUMP.

    密蘇里州剛剛被唐納德-特朗普稱為。

  • APPARENTLY THE SHOW ME STATE LIKES THE GUY WHO'S ENTIRE SHOW

    顯然,我的表演狀態喜歡誰的整個節目的傢伙。

  • IS ME.

    是我。

  • THIS ONE-- THIS ONE I DID NOT EXPECT RIGHT AWAY.

    這一個--這一個我沒有想到馬上。

  • THIS HAS GOT TO COME AS A SHOCKER TO EVERYONE IN A COMA.

    這一定要吃作為一個震驚 每個人都在昏迷。

  • JOE BIDEN HAS WON THE GOLDEN STATE, CALIFORNIA

    JOE BIDEN贏得了加州金州獎。

  • WITH CALIFORNIA, BECAUSE OF HOW THE VOTES ARE TALLIED, WE MAY

    在加州,由於選票的計票方式,我們可能會。

  • NOT KNOW THE OFFICIAL RESULTS FOR QUITE A WHILE.

    有一段時間不知道官方的結果。

  • SO WITH ZERO PERCENT REPORTING-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- WITH ZERO

    所以,隨著零百分比的報告 - 這是真的 - 與零。

  • PERCENT REPORTING BECAUSE, COME ON, IT'S CALIFORNIA.

    百分之百的報告,因為,來吧,這是加州。

  • AND THIS ISN'T THE NEWS, OKAY.

    這不是新聞,好吧。

  • IS THAT IT?

    是嗎?

  • CAN I MOVE ON TO OTHER JOKES?

    我可以繼續開其他玩笑嗎?

  • HAVE THESE COMPOSTED.

    有這些合成的。

  • FOLKS IF YOU WATCH ELECTION COVERAGE-- AND SPIRAL, YOU ARE

    夥計們,如果你看了選舉的報道,和精神,你就是...

  • RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW THE NEWS NETWORKS ALWAYS HAVE A PANEL OF

    現在,你知道新聞網總是有一個小組的。

  • EXPERTS TO HELP THEM BREAK DOWN THE BREAKING NEWS.

    專家幫助他們打破了突發新聞。

  • AND, IN CNN'S CASE-- SO THAT THE DIRECTOR HAS SOMETHING TO CUT TO

    而且,在CNN的情況下 - 所以,導演有一些東西要削減到

  • WHEN JOHN KING GETS A LITTLE TOO HANDSY WITH HIS TOUCH SCREEN

    當約翰-金對他的觸屏有點手忙腳亂的時候。

  • ELECTIONS CAN BE LONELY.

    選舉是很漫長的。

  • NOW, WHEN IT COMES TO PANELS, IT'S IMPORTANT TO HAVE QUALITY,

    現在,當涉及到面板時,重要的是要有品質。

  • BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS QUANTITY.

    但最重要的是品質。

  • CNN KNOWS THAT.

    你知道的。

  • BACK IN 2016, THEY HAD NO LESS THAN NINE DIFFERENT PEOPLE

    早在2016年,他們就有了不少於九個不同的人。

  • WEIGHING IN ON THE RESULTS-- MEANING THEY HAD MORE PEOPLE

    衡量結果--意味著他們有更多的人。

  • DISCUSSING THE VOTERS OF WYOMING THAN THERE ARE VOTERS IN

    懷俄明州的選民比全國的選民更多。

  • WYOMING.

    懷俄明州。

  • WELL, I WILL NOT SIT HERE TO BE OUT-QUANTITIED BY CNN.

    好吧,我不會坐在這裡被美國有線電視新聞網量化。

  • SO, TONIGHT, I'M PROUD TO INTRODUCE OUR NEW SEGMENT:

    所以,今晚,我很自豪地介紹 我們的新部門。

  • STEPHEN COLBERT'S SHOWTIME 2020 ELECTION SPECIAL THE MOST

    斯蒂芬-科爾伯特的SHOWTIME 2020選舉特別最

  • ELECTION NIGHT PANEL EVER.

    選舉夜盤永遠。

  • WITH ME TO HELP ARE THE BIGGEST NAMES IN THE BIZ.

    和我一起幫忙的都是商業界的大人物。

  • FIRST UP FROM CBS NEWS, MY OLD PAL, JOHN DICKERSON.

    首先是CBS新聞,我的老友約翰・迪克遜。

  • >> I'M HONORED AND CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED TO BE HERE, STEPHEN.

    >> 我很榮幸,也有義務來這裡,史蒂芬。

  • >> Stephen: RIGHT YOU ARE.

    >> Stephen:你是對的。

  • HERE TO GIVE US THE INSIDER PERSPECTIVE, SOMEBODY WHO RAN

    這裡給我們提供內幕消息,有人跑了。

  • FOR THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION, FORMER COLORADO GOVERNOR, JOHN

    對於民主黨的提名,前科羅拉多州州長,約翰...

  • HICKENLOOPER.

    HICKENLOOPER。

  • >> ACTUALLY, STEPHEN, I'M MICHAEL BENNETT, THE COLORADO

    >> 事實上,斯蒂芬,我是邁克爾-本特,科羅拉多州的。

  • SENATOR.

    參議員:

  • >> Stephen: NICE TRY, HICKEN LOOPER.

    >> Stephen:不錯的嘗試,希肯環路。

  • WE WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO BOOK A MICHAEL BENNETT.

    我們不可能訂到一個MICHAEL BENNETT。

  • THAT DUDE IS A ROCK STAR.

    這傢伙是一個搖滾明星。

  • WE HAVE JAMES CARVILLE LIVE FROM THE 1993 DOCUMENTARY "THE WAR

    我們有1993年紀錄片 "戰爭 "中的詹姆斯-卡維爾現場直播。

  • ROOM."

    房間。"

  • >> IT'S THE ECONOMY, STUPID.

    >> 這就是經濟,愚蠢的。

  • >> Stephen: DON'T CALL ME STUPID, YOU CAJUN MOLE RAT.

    >> Stephen:別叫我傻子,你這隻老鼠。

  • NEXT WE HAVE ANDREW YANG WHO RAN ON THE SLOGAN, MATH, HOW ARE THE

    接下來,我們有請楊安卓,他在《SLOGAN》上發表了一篇文章,《數學》,《How are the》。

  • NUMBERS LOOKING TONIGHT, ANDREW?

    今晚的數字看,安德魯?

  • >> THE NUMBERS ARE LOOKING GREAT TONIGHT, STEPHEN.

    >> 今晚的數字看起來很不錯,史蒂芬。

  • THREE AND FIVE ARE SO VISUALLY APPEALING.

    三和五是如此的視覺衝擊力。

  • 11 HAS PERFECT SYMMETRY YOU WON'T FIND ANYWHERE ELSE.

    11具有完美的對稱性,你在其他任何地方都找不到。

  • THESE NUMBERS LOOK FANTASTIC.

    這些數字看起來棒極了。

  • >> Stephen: ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

    >> Stephen:只有時間會告訴你。

  • NOW, FOR A SCIENTIFIC PERSPECTIVE, WE HAVE

    現在,從科學的角度來看,我們有了

  • ASTROPHYSICIST NEIL DEGRASS TYSON.

    宇宙物理學家尼爾-德格拉斯-泰森。

  • >> TONIGHT, I PREDICT THE UNIVERSITY WILL DIE OF HEAT

    >> 今晚,我預測大學將死於熱氣。

  • DEATH, 10 TO THE POWER OF 100 YEARS.

    死亡,10到100年的力量。

  • >> Stephen: WELL, I BELIEVE OHIO MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY

    >> Stephen:我相信俄亥俄州可能有話要說。

  • ABOUT THAT.

    關於這一點。

  • AND TO DISCUSS HOW COVID MIGHT BE AFFECTING THE RACE, WE WANTED

    為了討論COVID對比賽的影響,我們希望...

  • A DOCTOR.

    一個醫生。

  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DR. JAY.

    女士們,先生們,博士。JAY:

  • >> I'M NOT A MEDICAL DOCTOR, STEPHEN.

    >> 我不是醫生,史蒂芬。

  • >> Stephen: AND I'M NOT A BASKETBALL PLAYER.

    >> Stephen:我不是一個籃球運動員。

  • LET'S STAY IN OUR LANES, JAY.

    讓我們留在我們的車道上,傑。

  • NEXT CALLER.

    下一個呼叫者:

  • FOR AN INTERNATIONAL PERSPECTIVE, WE HAVE FORMER

    為了從國際角度看問題,我們有了前輩們。

  • SECRETARY OF STATE MADELEINE ALBRIGHT.

    國務卿瑪德琳-阿爾布萊特:

  • >> WHERE ARE MY PANCAKES!

    >> 我的煎餅在哪裡!

  • I WAS TOLD THERE WOULD BE PANCAKES!

    我聽說會有煎餅!

  • >> Stephen: WE'RE FAXING THEM TO YOU NOW MADAM SECRETARY.

    >> Stephen:我們現在就把它們傳真給你,女士。

  • NEXT, WE HAVE A USED SKI-DOO SALESMAN ON METH.

    接下來,我們有一個二手的SKI -DOO銷售員在METH。

  • >> ARE YOU I A COP?

    >> 你是警察嗎?

  • YOU HAVE TO SHARE YOUR METH WITH ME IF YOU'RE A COP.

    如果你是個警察,你必須把你的毒品和我分享。

  • >> Stephen: WE ARE LUCKY TO BE JOINED BY ONE OF THE GREAT,

    >> 斯蒂芬:我們很幸運能和一位偉大的人一起。

  • BRYAN CRANSTON.

    BRYAN CRANSTON.

  • >> STEPHEN, THIS DISH NEVER FAILS TO IMPRESS, AND IT'S SO

    >> 史蒂芬,這道菜永遠不會讓人失望,而且它是如此...

  • EASY TO MAKE.

    容易製作。