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自動翻譯
  • -Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"

    -歡迎,歡迎,歡迎來到 "今夜秀"。

  • here in New York City. Studio 6A.

    這裡在紐約市。6A工作室

  • Alright, let's get to the news and jokes.

    好了,讓我們來看看新聞和笑話吧。

  • Well, guys, the results are almost final.

    好了,夥計們,結果幾乎是最終的。

  • And it looks like America has tested negative

    看來美國的測試結果是陰性

  • for Donald Trump.

    為唐納德-特朗普。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • The rapid test was inconclusive,

    快速測試沒有結果。

  • but the four-day test confirmed it.

    但四天的測試證實了這一點。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Trump kept on saying "Make America great again,"

    特朗普一直在說 "讓美國再次偉大"。

  • and this week 74 million people were like,

    而本週7400萬人都喜歡。

  • "You got it, dude."

    "你說對了,夥計。"

  • To put in terms that he can understand,

    要用他能理解的語言來表達。

  • America is basically telling Trump, "We want a divorce."

    美國人基本上是在告訴特朗普,"我們要離婚"。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • You know, CNN and NBC are calling each other like,

    你知道嗎,CNN和NBC相互之間的稱呼就像。

  • "You want to announce it first?"

    "你要先宣佈嗎?"

  • "No, he's been worse to you.

    "不,他對你更壞。

  • You should do the honors."

    你應該做的榮譽。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Now that it appears that Trump might lose,

    現在看來,特朗普可能會輸。

  • he can just hang out, play golf and tweet.

    他可以只是掛出,打高爾夫球和推特。

  • He's going to be the only guy in history whose life stayed

    他將會是歷史上唯一一個人生沒有改變的人。

  • exactly the same before, during and after his presidency.

    在他擔任總統之前、期間和之後完全一樣。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • It's obviously not official, but yeah,

    這顯然不是官方的,但是是的。

  • it seems likely that Trump is out.

    看來特朗普很可能出局了。

  • Right now, Americans are looking at each other like

    現在,美國人互相看不順眼。

  • the blow-deck crew after a crazy guest finally gets off the boat.

    在一個瘋狂的客人終於下船後,吹甲板的工作人員。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • "Not even a good tip, nothing."

    "連個好的提示都沒有,什麼都沒有。"

  • Meanwhile, the IRS is like, "Seriously?

    與此同時,國稅局卻說:"真的嗎?

  • We just finished that audit on his taxes.

    我們剛剛完成了對他的稅務審計。

  • We just -- [ Laughter ]

    我們只是 - [笑]

  • we just finished it."

    我們剛剛完成它。"

  • What a time for Joe Biden to be president.

    喬-拜登當總統的時機真好。

  • He now gets to deal with a pandemic,

    他現在要處理一場大流行病。

  • a cratering economy, and most annoying at all,

    崩潰的經濟,最惱火的就是。

  • a not even close to finish construction project

    爛尾工程

  • on the border.

    邊境上。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Yeah, it looks like Joe Biden could be our next president.

    看來喬・拜登可能是我們的下一任總統了

  • I am not sure who's more shocked right now,

    我不知道現在誰更震驚。

  • President Trump or President Obama.

    特朗普總統或奧巴馬總統。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Biden's ready to celebrate.

    拜登已經準備好慶祝了

  • Tonight his campaign wheeled out a bucket of milk

    今晚他的競選團隊推出了一桶牛奶。

  • and said on Tuesday this was an ice cream cake.

    並在週二說這是一個冰淇淋蛋糕。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Thank you.

    謝謝你了

  • That's a good one. I like that one.

    這是一個很好的一個。我喜歡這個。

  • Well done, right?

    做得好,對吧?

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

    [歡呼聲和掌聲]

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • But, looks like Philadelphia really came through for Biden.

    不過,看來費城真的為拜登出頭了。

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

    [歡呼聲和掌聲]

  • And he's so thankful, he's making his

    他很感激,他在做他的。

  • Secretary of State the Phille Phanatic.

    國務卿Phille Phanatic。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Yeah, it's looking more and more like Biden is going to win,

    是啊,看起來拜登越來越像要贏了。

  • which is why today, the entire Space Force

    這就是為什麼今天,整個航天部隊

  • was like, "Hello?

    是這樣,"喂?

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Are we still a thing?

    我們還是個東西嗎?

  • Anyone? Anyone? Hello?"

    有人嗎?有人嗎?有人嗎?"

  • Well, last night Trump spoke from the White House,

    好吧,昨晚特朗普在白宮講話。

  • and what he said was so crazy

    他說的話是如此瘋狂

  • that some news anchor cut him off.

    一些新聞主播切斷了他。

  • They cut the President off.

    他們切斷了總統的聯繫。

  • Check out a bit of what he said.

    看看他說了些什麼。

  • -If you count the legal votes, I easily win.

    -如果算上合法票數,我很容易就贏了。

  • If you count the illegal votes,

    如果算上非法投票。

  • they can try to steal the election from us.

    他們可以嘗試從我們這裡偷走選舉。

  • -When asked how he can just get up and lie about out democracy,

    -當被問到他怎麼能站起來對民主撒謊時,

  • Trump was like, "I'm sorry, are you new here?"

    特朗普就說:"對不起,你是新來的嗎?"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • This is how I do it

    我是這樣做的

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • This is how I do it

    我是這樣做的

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • People are... [ Laughter ]

    人們都...[笑聲]

  • No.

    不知道

  • This is how I do it

    我是這樣做的

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • This is how I do it

    我是這樣做的

  • Sha, na, na, na, na, na, na, na

    沙,吶,吶,吶,吶,吶,吶,?

  • How does he do it?

    他是怎麼做到的?

  • What are you... Sha, na, na, na, na?

    你是什麼...沙,吶,吶,吶,吶,吶?

  • What is he doing? What is he talking about?

    他在做什麼?他在說什麼?

  • People are calling it the craziest speech...

    人們說這是最瘋狂的演講... ...

  • [ Laughter ] -Yo, man.

    [笑] 是啊,男人。

  • -I love he did that part. He likes that.

    -我喜歡他做的那部分。他喜歡這樣

  • No, no, no. I can't do it.

    不,不,不。我做不到

  • It will turn me into a hashtag. The -- Yeah.

    它會把我變成一個標籤。那個... 是的

  • -Yeah, man. Go ahead.

    -是的,夥計。是的,夥計。 - 來吧。

  • -People are calling it the craziest speech Trump

    -人們稱這是特朗普最瘋狂的一次演講。

  • has ever given, and this is from a guy who talked about

    有史以來給出的,這是一個人誰談到了

  • how many times it takes him to flush his toilet.

    他要衝多少次馬桶。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Trump gave a pretty insane press conference

    特朗普召開了一個相當瘋狂的新聞發佈會

  • where he made several false claims about the election.

    在那裡,他對選舉提出了一些虛假的說法。

  • It definitely seemed like he was in a downward spiral.

    這絕對像是他在走下坡路。

  • And well, even a certain someone had thoughts on the speech.

    而好了,連某某人都對演講有想法。

  • Take a look at this.

    看看這個。

  • -I easily win.

    -我很容易贏

  • If you count the illegal votes...

    如果算上非法的選票...

  • -It's a very sad moment.

    -這是一個非常悲傷的時刻。

  • To me this is a very sad moment.

    對我來說,這是一個非常悲傷的時刻。

  • -...the election from us.

    -...我們的選舉。

  • If you count the votes that came in...

    如果你算上進來的票數... ...

  • -What the hell is he talking about?

    -他到底在說什麼?

  • -...we're looking Denver a strong way.

    -...... 我們正在尋找丹佛一個強大的方式。

  • A lot of votes came in late.

    很多票都來晚了。

  • -This guy's a vacuum cleaner.

    -這傢伙是一個吸塵器。

  • -Decisively won. -Christopher Columbus.

    -贏得了決定性的勝利克里斯托弗-哥倫布

  • -Trees in Florida. Iowa.

    -佛羅里達州的樹。愛荷華州的樹。

  • -I can't watch me.

    -我不能看著我

  • -To name just a few, we won these

    -僅舉幾例,我們贏得了這些。

  • and many other -- -Turn him off!

    還有許多其他的...

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • [ Applause ]

    [掌聲]

  • -"Christopher Columbus.

    "克里斯托弗-哥倫布。

  • Christopher."

    克里斯托弗。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • We're in unchartered territory here.

    我們現在是在一個未知的領域。

  • Trump seems like he's digging in.

    特朗普似乎在挖空心思。

  • Listen to this.

    聽聽這個。

  • -The president's path back to the White House

    -總統重返白宮之路。

  • has become narrower as the hours tick by today.

    隨著今天時間的流逝,已經變得越來越窄。

  • New reporting says, the president

    新報道稱,總統

  • has no plans to concede.

    沒有打算讓步。

  • -Trump heard and was like, " Wrong.

    -特朗普聽了,就說:"錯了。

  • Everyone knows I am the most conceded."

    大家都知道我是最認輸的。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • This is how I do it

    我是這樣做的

  • Sha, na, na, na, na, na, na, ♪

    # 沙,吶,吶,吶,吶,吶 #

  • Now I hate that song.

    現在我討厭這首歌。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • My hands are in the air

    我的手在空中

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • What's he saying? -Yo, man.

    他在說什麼?-是的,夥計

  • -Why is he doing this?

    -他為什麼要這麼做?

  • I guess he's doing a Montell Jordan's song, man.

    我猜他是在唱Montell Jordan的歌,老兄

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Trump won't concede, and some people think

    特朗普不肯讓步,有人認為。

  • he might not even leave willingly.

    他甚至可能不會心甘情願地離開。

  • In response, this is real, a Biden spokesmen said,

    對此,拜登發言人表示,這是真的。

  • "As we said on July 19th, the American people

    "正如我們在7月19日所說,美國人民

  • will decide this election and the United States government

    將決定這次選舉和美國政府

  • is perfectly capable of escorting trespassers

    完全可以護送闖入者。

  • out of the White House."

    出白宮。"

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

    [歡呼聲和掌聲]

  • Oh, man.

    哦,夥計。

  • Biden is going to give Trump to full Omorosa.

    拜登要給特朗普來個全面的奧莫羅薩。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • It's not that hard to get Trump out.

    讓特朗普出局並不難。

  • You just leave a trail of McNuggets towards the door.

    你只需留下麥樂雞的痕跡,向門口走去。

  • "Another McNugget.

    "又是一個麥樂基。

  • Another McNugget?

    又是一個麥樂基?

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Another? Just my lucky day.

    又來了?只是我的幸運日。

  • Another. What's going on?"

    另一個。怎麼了?"

  • Meanwhile, inside the Trump campaign they're busy deciding

    與此同時,在特朗普競選團隊內部,他們正忙著決定... ...

  • who's going to break him the bad news to him.

    誰來告訴他這個壞消息呢?

  • Watch this. -Who is going to be the person

    看這個。-誰將會是那個人

  • that's going reckon with the President and tell him

    這是要去算計總統,告訴他。

  • that his time in office could be coming to an end?

    他的任期可能即將結束?

  • And that's a conversation that I'm told

    而這是一個對話,我被告知。

  • the President's allies are still having.

    總統的盟友們仍然有。

  • They're not sure who that person is going to be.

    他們不知道那個人會是誰。

  • They've talked about Jared Kushner.

    他們說到了賈裡德-庫什納。

  • They've talked about someone like an Ivanka Trump.

    他們已經談到了像伊萬卡-特朗普這樣的人。

  • -Right now Dr. Fauci is like, "Me! Me!

    -現在Fauci博士就像,"我!

  • Pick me! I'll do it! I would love to do it!

    選我吧!我會做的!我很樂意去做!

  • Please!

    求你了!

  • Please pick me!"

    請選我!"

  • I mean, how is Jared going to break that to Trump?

    我是說,賈裡德要怎麼跟特朗普說呢?

  • It's like, "Yes, you lost.

    這就像,"是的,你輸了。

  • But the important thing is, these last few days

    但重要的是,這幾天...

  • you carried yourself with dignity and grace.

    你帶著自己的尊嚴和優雅。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Also, I think your caps lock is locked.

    還有,我覺得你的大寫字母鎖被鎖住了。

  • It's still on. it's still on."

    還在開著呢,還在開著呢。"

  • It is like the anxiety of telling dad,

    這就像告訴爸爸的焦慮。

  • "We think of putting you in a new home, but times a billion."

    "我們想著給你安排一個新家,但是乘以十億。"

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • And finally, now that it seems like the election is coming

    最後,現在似乎選舉要來了。

  • to an end, people are already talking about

    到最後,人們已經在談論

  • what Trump will do next. Check it out.

    特朗普接下來會做什麼。看看吧。

  • -Still, if the president loses, his former Chief of Staff

    -不過,如果總統輸了,他的前參謀長...

  • suggests this won't be the last of President Trump

    表明這不會是特朗普總統的最後一次演講

  • in the political arena.

    在政治舞臺上。

  • -I would absolutely expect the President

    -我絕對期望總統

  • to stay involved in politics.

    繼續參與政治。

  • And absolutely put him on a short list of people

    並絕對把他放在一個短名單上的人。

  • who are likely to run in 2024.

    誰有可能在2024年競選。

  • -Man, if you think Trump is angry now,

    -夥計,如果你認為特朗普現在很生氣。

  • imagine him on four more years of steroids.

    想象他在四年多的類固醇。

  • [ Laughter ]

    [笑聲]

  • Yep, Trump might run again in 2024.

    沒錯,特朗普可能會在2024年再次參選。

  • But that's only if he gets out early for good behavior.

    但這要看他是否能早早的出來表現好。

  • [ Applause ]

    [掌聲]

  • We have a great show.

    我們有一個偉大的節目。

  • Give it up for The Roots everybody!

    大家為 "根 "鼓掌!

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • My hands are in the air

    我的手在空中

  • We have a great show for you tonight.

    我們今晚有一場精彩的演出

  • You can see him on "This Is Us," right here on NBC,

    你可以在NBC的 "這就是我們 "節目中看到他。

  • Milo Ventimiglia is here.

    Milo Ventimiglia來了

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

    [歡呼聲和掌聲]

  • He's a stud.

    他是個種馬。

  • Plus, he stars in new film "Stardust," Marc Maron is here.

    另外,他主演的新片《星塵》,馬克-馬龍也來了。

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

    [歡呼聲和掌聲]

  • And we got great music from Oneohtrix Point Never.

    而我們得到了來自Oneohtrix Point Never的精彩音樂。

  • Look at that. [ Applause ]

    你看那個。[掌聲]

  • Whoa, wow, whoa, wow.

    哇,哇,哇,哇。

  • Yeah, that's trippy.

    是啊,那是三重奏。

  • I like that, man. -Yeah.

    我喜歡這樣,夥計。-是的

  • -Yeah. -Uh-huh.

    -是啊。

  • -Oneohtrix. -Yeah.

    -獨角獸.-是的

  • -Point Never.

    -永遠不要點。

  • Uh, guys, it has been a crazy week,

    呃,夥計們,這是一個瘋狂的一週。

  • but it seems like finally maybe it might be all over?

    但似乎最後也許一切都結束了?

  • Yep. All the news outlets are saying

    是的,所有的新聞媒體都在說所有的新聞媒體都在說

  • that Biden is on the verge of winning the presidency,

    認為拜登即將贏得總統職位。

  • and you can feel -- you can feel the relief.

    你可以感覺到 - 你可以感覺到緩解。

  • Monday I had no clue

    週一我不知道

  • But on Tuesday it'd be through

    但在週二,它會通過

  • Wednesday, Thursday still no news

    週三,週四仍然沒有消息

  • But it's Friday

    但它的週五

  • ♪ I think it's done

    我認為它的完成

  • Pennsylvania, you came through

    賓夕法尼亞州,你來了通過

  • Seems like maybe Joe did too, oh

    好像也許喬也是這樣做的,哦?

  • Steve called like he's turning blue

    史蒂夫叫像他的變藍

  • But it's Friday, I think it's done

    但它的週五,我認為它的完成

  • Saturday is too late

    星期六太晚

  • And Sunday needs a break

    和週日需要休息

  • Friday, come on, I can't wait

    週五,來吧,我不能等待

  • Tuesday I was out of whack

    週二,我是不正常的

  • Wednesday I started to crack

    週三,我開始破解

  • Thursday I had heart attack

    *週四我心臟病發作*

  • But it's Friday, I think it's done

    但它的週五,我認為它的完成

  • Yeah, it's Friday

    是啊,這是星期五

  • ♪ I think it's done

    我認為它的完成

  • It's Friday everyone.

    今天是星期五,各位。

  • We have a great show!

    我們有一個偉大的節目!

  • Stick around!

    留下來吧!

  • ♪♪

    ♪♪

  • It's Friday

    # It's Friday #

  • Yeah

    # Yeah #

-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"

-歡迎,歡迎,歡迎來到 "今夜秀"。

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