comes to assume a large, indeed monstrous position in our imaginations. The torture

在我們的想象中，來佔據一個很大的，確實是畸形的位置。酷刑

comes down to one essential question which pursues us into the early hours: What do they

歸根結底，有一個基本問題一直困擾著我們，直到凌晨。它們是什麼？

have that we do not? Part of the agony rests on a basic feature of human psychology; we

擁有我們所沒有的東西？痛苦的部分原因在於人類心理學的一個基本特徵，即我們

know ourselves from the inside, in great and dispiriting detail, whereas we can know others

知己知彼，細水長流，而我們卻能知人知面不知心。

only from the outside, from what they choose to reveal, which may be almost nothing, aside

只從外部，從他們選擇透露的東西，這可能是幾乎沒有，除了。

from an attractive face and a charming manner. As a result, we may feel that the person we

從迷人的面孔和迷人的舉止。是以，我們可能會覺得我們的人

have been left for – and whom we know only on the basis of having briefly met them at

我們對他們的瞭解僅僅是基於我們曾在他們身上短暫地見過。

a party or stalked their online profile – is wonderful in every way. Where we are shy,

黨或跟蹤他們的在線個人資料 - 是美妙的在各方面。在我們害羞的地方。

they will be confident; where we are chaotic they will be well-organised; where our sexuality

他們會很自信；在我們混亂的地方，他們會井井有條；在我們的性情

is complex, theirs will be simple; where we're too domestic, they will be exciting… Well-meaning

是複雜的，他們的就會很簡單；我們太家常的地方，他們就會很精彩......善意的。

friends may try to bring us back into contact with our good sides: they will speak of our

朋友們可能會試圖讓我們重新接觸到我們好的一面：他們會說到我們。

kindness, intelligence or sense of fun. But this may not be the best way forward; the

善良、智慧或趣味感。但這未必是最好的方式；。

point isn't to rehearse how decent we are. Properly to get over the pain of a love-rival,

重點不是為了排練我們有多體面。適當地去克服情敵的痛苦。

we need to realise how mediocre pretty much every human who has ever existed tends to

我們需要意識到如何平庸 幾乎每一個人誰是有史以來往往是

be. There is not, in fact, ever any such thing as a 'perfect person', there are merely

是。事實上，根本就沒有所謂的 "完美的人"，有的僅僅是

differently tricky ones, as time will inevitably reveal to our idealising ex. Our failings

不同的棘手的問題，因為時間將不可避免地揭示給我們理想化的前男友。我們的失敗

or defects may well be real but the picture we've got of ourselves as compared with

或缺陷很可能是真實的，但我們對自己的印象，相比之下

our love rival is skewed by undue ignorance. Recovery does not involve the denial of our

我們的情敵被不適當的無知所歪曲。挽回不涉及否認我們的

less admirable sides: it requires a more nihilistic, and therefore more balanced sense of what

不那麼令人欽佩的一面：它需要一個更虛無主義的，因而也更平衡的意識，即什麼是 "不"。

people in general are like. Of course the rival has qualities we lack. It is true that

一般人都是這樣的。當然對手也有我們缺乏的品質。誠然

they have better hair, or a more impressive salary. But at the same time they have an

他們有更好的髮型，或者更可觀的薪水。但與此同時，他們有一個

enormous number of very serious problems which we can be assured exist, not because we know

大量非常嚴重的問題，我們可以確信這些問題的存在，而不是因為我們知道這些問題的存在。

them, but because we know human beings in general. No one examined from up close is

他們，但因為我們瞭解人類的一般情況。沒有一個人從近距離觀察是

ever anything other than disappointing – and every person one has to share a life with

will prove so maddening over time, one will at points wish they had never been born. Whatever

隨著時間的推移，會證明是如此的瘋狂，人們會在某些時候希望自己從未出生過。不管是什麼

attraction a new lover can offer our ex, they will also supply them with a whole a new set

吸引一個新的情人可以提供我們的前夫，他們也將提供他們一個全新的一套。

of irritants, which will end up frustrating them as much we ever did, indeed more so,

的刺激物，最終會讓他們和我們一樣感到沮喪，事實上更。

because they so sincerely hoped – as they packed their bags – that such flaws would

因為他們在收拾行李的時候，真誠地希望這種缺陷能夠

not exist in their next partner. Our ex-lover has not entered the gates of paradise, they

不存在於他們的下一個伴侶身上。我們的前情人還沒有進入天堂之門，他們...

have merely exchanged one imperfect relationship for another. We should never compound our

只不過是用一種不完美的關係換取了另一種不完美的關係。我們決不應該將我們的

grief with the thought that our ex will be uncomplicatedly happy. The deep lesson of

悲痛，以為我們的前任會不簡單的幸福。的深刻教訓。

being supplanted is not that we are so bad. It's that we have been left because of a

被取代，並不是說我們有多差。而是因為我們已經被拋棄了，因為一個

common delusion: the belief that if only one was in a different relationship, one would

共同的錯覺：認為只要有了不同的關係，就能

be substantially happier. And yet, the truth is that more or less every human relationship

是實質性的幸福。然而，事實是，每一個人的關係或多或少都有

has its own special and beautifully distinct forms of acute unhappiness. That there is

有著自己特殊而美麗的不同形式的急性不快樂。那就是

much wrong with us is, of course, true; but this dark fact invariably sits within a far

當然，我們有很多問題，這是真的，但這個黑暗的事實總是坐在一個遙遠的範圍內。

larger, grimmer and yet strangely consoling truth: that every person has much wrong with

更大的、更嚴峻的、但又奇怪地令人欣慰的事實是：每個人都有很多錯誤的地方。

them. In future relationships, once we get over abandonment, the person we need to find

他們。在未來的關係中，一旦我們擺脫了被拋棄的陰影，我們需要找到的人是

is not the one who thinks we are perfect (and will never leave us on this basis) but rather

並不是認為我們是完美的人（並不會在此基礎上離開我們），而是認為

one who can quite clearly see our failings and yet – the key advantage – knows how

他可以很清楚地看到我們的缺點，但--關鍵的優勢--知道如何處理

calmly to make their peace with them. The lover we need is not someone who stays with

平靜地與他們和平相處。我們所需要的夫妻，不是陪著我們的人。

us because they think we are irreplaceably marvellous but because they've wisely realised

因為他們認為我們是不可替代的了不起的，但因為他們已經明智地意識到了

that no-one is as attractive as they seem at first – and that to smash up a relationship

沒有人像他們看起來一樣有吸引力 - 和破壞的關係。

generally involves nothing much finer than a prelude to novel encounters with frustration

一般來說，涉及到的細枝末節不過是新奇的挫折遭遇的前奏。

and disappointment.

和失望。

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我們的透視卡以工具為特色，讓您對生活有更明智、更平靜的看法。 它們可以幫助

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讓您在困難時期也能恢復平靜和清晰。 請訂閱我們的頻道，並點擊鈴鐺圖標打開通知。