to "The Tonight Show,"

到 "今夜秀"，

[ Cheering and applause ] here in Studio 6A!

[歡呼聲和掌聲] 在這裡的工作室6A！

[ Laughs ] You having a little trouble?

[笑] 你有一個小麻煩？

-Got caught.

-被抓了

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-I was watching you try to play drums -- taking it off.

-我在看你打鼓 -- 脫掉它.

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Let's get to the news and jokes.

讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

Well, guys, with Election Day less than a week away,

好了，夥計們，距離選舉日還有不到一週的時間。

the White House Science Office just put out an interesting list

白宮科學辦公室只是把一個有趣的列表

of President Trump's accomplishments. Listen to this.

特朗普總統的成就。聽聽這個。

-The White House Science Policy Office

-白宮科學政策辦公室

lists ending the pandemic as one of what it calls

將消除這一流行病列為它所稱的 "一帶一路 "倡議之一。

the top accomplishments of the president's first term.

總統第一任期的最大成就。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-What?!

-什麼？

That's like the Tampa Bay Rays

這就像坦帕灣籃網隊一樣。

listing their biggest accomplishment

大功告成

as 2020 World Series champions.

作為2020年世界大賽冠軍。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

Seriously, right now, the coronavirus is like,

說真的，現在，冠狀病毒就像。

"Ending the pandemic?

"結束流行病？

Thanks to you, we just got picked up

多虧了你，我們才被接走了

for three more seasons."

再過三季。"

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

Keep in mind, though, the White House "Science Office"

但請記住，白宮 "科學辦公室"

is just Eric and Don Jr. wearing a Bill Nye Halloween costume.

只是埃裡克和小唐穿著比爾-奈的萬聖節服裝。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

When I think of the White House Science Office,

當我想到白宮科學辦公室的時候。

I picture a bunch of monkeys in lab coats

我想象著一群穿著白大褂的猴子。

running around with their fingers stuck in test tubes,

跑來跑去，手指插在試管裡。

like throwing papers.

像扔紙一樣。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I was pretty surprised to find out the Trump White House

我很驚訝地發現特朗普白宮。

has a Science Office.

設有科學辦公室。

It's like finding out "The Bachelorette"

就像發現了 "單身女郎"

has a Science Office.

設有科學辦公室。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

To be fair, lying on his résumé

平心而論，在他的履歷上寫著 "說謊

is one of the most relatable things Trump's ever done.

是特朗普做過的最有意義的事情之一。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I don't know how to use Excel.

我不知道如何使用Excel。

Trump ended the pandemic.

特朗普結束了這一流行病。

Now, everyone is just living

現在，每個人都只是生活

in their parents' basement for fun.

在他們父母的地下室裡找樂子。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

What an incredible claim.

多麼不可思議的說法。

Someone hasn't been that far off since...

有人還沒有那麼遠，因為... ...

-Fred Flintstone!

弗雷德-弗林斯通！

-No.

-不

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

-I knew it.

-我就知道

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

我就知道，我就知道我就知道，我就知道我就知道，我就知道

[ Laughter and applause continues ]

[笑聲和掌聲繼續]

Oh, now y'all here and y'all laughing.

哦，現在你們都在這裡，你們都在笑。

[ Laughter and applause continues ]

[笑聲和掌聲繼續]

Word? Okay.

字？好吧，我知道了

[ Laughter and applause continues ]

[笑聲和掌聲繼續]

-Whoo! -Oh, my God.

-哇！-哦，我的天

That was close. Close.

好險啊差一點

[ Laughs ]

[笑]

Fred Flintstone? Oh, my God.

弗雷德-弗林特斯通？哦，我的上帝。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I mean, why even guess?

我是說，為什麼還要猜？

-Yeah. -Why even guess?

-是啊 為什麼要猜呢？

-Yeah. Yeah. -Oh, my gosh!

-是的，是的是的 是的 哦，我的天哪！

Did your phone just like explode? -Yes, yes.

你的手機是不是爆炸了？-是的，是的。

[ Laughter ] Yes.

[笑]是的。

"Scooby-Doo!"

"史酷比！"

[ Laughter ] -[ Clapping ]

[笑聲] -[拍手]

Oh, my gosh!

哦，我的天哪！

That was the funniest thing.

這是最有趣的事情。

Oh, my God.

哦，我的上帝。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, last night, Trump held a rally in Omaha, Nebraska,

昨晚，特朗普在內布拉斯加的奧馬哈舉行了一場集會。

where it was a little chilly outside.

在這裡，外面有點冷。

Check out what he said.

看看他是怎麼說的。

-Is there anyplace you would rather be

-有什麼地方是你想去的嗎？

than a Trump rally

比起特朗普的集會

[ Cheering ] on about a 10° evening, 10°?

[歡呼] 在一個10°的晚上，10°？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-It was so cold in Nebraska,

-內布拉斯加太冷了。

Trump almost turned into a Creamsicle.

特朗普幾乎變成了一個奶油棒。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I don't think Trump was prepared for the weather.

我不認為特朗普對天氣有什麼準備。

When he stepped outside, it was like --

當他走出去的時候，就像 --

[ As Trump ] Why was that told this was a hot spot?

為什麼會被告知這是一個熱點？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Oh.

哦。

Yep, everyone was freezing.

是的，每個人都凍壞了。

Trump supporters were like,

特朗普的支持者就像。

"If only there was some way to keep our faces warm."

"如果有什麼辦法能讓我們的臉暖和起來就好了。"

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

You could tell Trump was cold.

你可以看出特朗普很冷酷。

At one point, he started speaking

有一次，他開始說話

in front of the engines on Air Force One.

在空軍一號的引擎前。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Reverberating ] Make America Great Again.

[反響] 讓美國再次偉大。

Whkchkch!

Whkchkch!

[ Reverberating ] Build more wall!

多建些牆！

[ Laughter ] We need more wall!

我們需要更多的牆！

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yep, Trump said it was 10°,

是的，特朗普說是10°。

which is still 10 more degrees than the scientists

這還是比科學家們多了10度

in the White House "Science Office" have.

在白宮 "科學辦公室 "有。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Laughter and applause ] Take it -- Yeah.

[笑聲和掌聲] 拿著 - 是啊。

It's alright. Yeah, that was a good one.

沒事的是啊，這是一個很好的一個。

You do the math and that's not bad, yeah.

你算一算，還不錯，是的。

Fred Flintstone.

弗雷德-弗林斯通。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Did she look like hopeful, too,

她看起來是不是也很有希望。

like it might be Fred Flintstone?

就像它可能是弗雷德-弗林特斯通？

-Why did she say it with such conviction and authority?

-為什麼她說得如此堅定和權威？

-Yeah, but I just want to see what does her face look like

-是的，但我只是想看看她的臉是什麼樣子的。

after she says it. Like is it like, "Tsk, maybe?"

在她說出來之後。就像它像，"嘖，也許？"

Or is it like, "I'm just going to say Fred Flintstone,"

還是說，"我就說弗雷德-弗林特斯通"

like her buddies made her do it at home.

就像她的朋友讓她在家裡做一樣。

Like, "You say Fred Flintstone, I'll give you five bucks."

就像，"你說弗雷德-弗林特斯通，我給你五塊錢。"

-No, I think her face is like, "I killed it."

-不，我覺得她的表情就像，"我殺了它"

Like, "Pssh, what?!"

就像，"Pssh，什麼？"

[ Laughter ] -Can we see it again, just --

我們可以再看一次嗎？

-No! -Please, Dave?

-求你了，戴夫？

-Fred Flintstone! -No.

弗雷德-弗林斯通！弗雷德-弗林斯通！

[ Laughter and applause ] -Yeah, no, no.

[笑聲和掌聲] 是啊，不，不。

It was hopeful. -It was hopeful.

這是有希望的。-很有希望

-It was hopeful. -It was hopeful, yeah.

-很有希望-很有希望，是的

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-It was like when you roll that bowling ball

-就像你滾保齡球一樣

down the alley and you know it's headed to the gutter,

沿著巷子走，你就知道它要去水溝了。

but just like -- -Anh! Maybe I got one?

但就像...也許我有一個？

-Yeah.

-是的

-Maybe I got one?

-也許我有一個？

After his speech, Trump quickly left Nebraska

演講結束後，特朗普迅速離開內布拉斯加州

on Air Force One, but hundreds of his supporters

在空軍一號上，但數百名他的支持者。

were left stranded for hours

滯留數小時

in the frigid cold because their buses didn't show up.

在寒冷的天氣裡，因為他們的巴士沒有出現。

Yep, some people were actually treated for hypothermia.

是的，有些人實際上接受了低溫治療。

That's how bad it's getting for Trump --

這就是特朗普的處境有多糟糕 --

even his supporters are turning blue.

連他的支持者都變藍了。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

[ Playing funk ]

[播放放克]

♪♪

♪♪

Before visiting Nebraska, Trump held a rally in Michigan.

在訪問內布拉斯加州之前，特朗普在密歇根州舉行了一次集會。

At one point, he addressed the women in the crowd

有一次，他對著人群中的女人說

and his comments are getting a lot of attention.

而他的言論也受到了很多人的關注。

Listen to what he said.

聽聽他怎麼說。

-I'm also getting your husbands.

-我也要找你的丈夫。

They want to get back to work, right?

他們想回去工作，對吧？

They want to get back to work.

他們想回去工作。

We're getting your husbands back to work

我們要讓你的丈夫回去工作了

and everybody wants it.

每個人都想要它。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It's pretty shocking because, before this,

這是非常令人震驚的，因為，在這之前。

Trump's been such a feminist.

特朗普一直是個女權主義者。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Next, Trump tried winning the female vote

接下來，特朗普試圖贏得女性選票

by claiming he'd make ironing boards great again.

聲稱他將使熨衣板再次偉大。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I guess that comment explains why his campaign

我想這句話解釋了為什麼他的競選

handed out pins that said...

派發的胸針上寫著... ...

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

Some news from overseas -- with coronavirus cases rising,

來自海外的一些消息--冠狀病毒病例上升。

Russia is putting a new safety protocol

俄羅斯正在把新的安全協議

in place. Watch this.

就位。看著這個。

-Russia is introducing a national mask mandate.

-俄羅斯正在推行國家面具任務。

People in this country are going to have to wear masks

這個國家的人都要戴上口罩。

when they're in public spaces, on public transports,

當他們在公共場所，在公共交通工具上。

in parking lots, and inside elevators.

在停車場，和電梯內。

-It's too bad. Now, we won't be able to see

-太糟糕了現在，我們將無法看到。

all those famous Russian smiles.

所有這些著名的俄羅斯微笑。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Hey, want to say congrats to the L.A. Dodgers,

嘿，想說恭喜洛杉磯道奇隊。

who won the World Series last night!

誰贏了昨晚的世界大賽！

[ Cheering and applause ] Here's the final out of the season.

[歡呼和掌聲] 這是本賽季的最後一場比賽。

-Dave Roberts.

戴夫-羅伯茨

-Strike 3! -They got it.

-罷工3！-他們成功了

-Dodgers have won it all in 2020!

-道奇隊在2020年贏得了一切!

-Come on.

-來吧

[ Cheering ] [ Studio applause ]

[歡呼] [工作室的掌聲]

Yeah, people in L.A. looked absolutely thrilled

是啊，洛杉磯的人們看起來非常興奮

and, this time, it wasn't just because of the Botox.

而且，這次不僅僅是因為肉毒桿菌的原因。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"Oh, we lost."

"哦，我們輸了。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Meanwhile, when he heard the Dodgers won,

同時，當他聽說道奇隊贏了。

Joe Biden immediately congratulated

喬-拜登立即表示祝賀

the people of Brooklyn.

布魯克林的人民。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

Some entertainment news -- last night was

一些娛樂新聞--昨晚是

an all-new episode of "The Bachelorette."

"單身女郎 "的全新一集。

Love that show. It became pretty clear

喜歡這個節目。它變得非常清楚

that Clare's favorite guy is Dale.

克萊爾最喜歡的傢伙是戴爾。

Check out what she did in some scenes. Weird.

看看她在一些場景中做了什麼。很奇怪

[ Whimsical tune plays ] -Dale's pants.

[異想天開的曲子播放] 戴爾的褲子。

I mean, they smell like him. -Let me see.

我的意思是，他們聞起來像他。-讓我看看

-[ Laughs ] -Let's see what size they are.

-讓我們看看他們的大小。

-Take a sniff. -Wow, 46. Oh, my God.

-嗅一嗅-哇，46歲哦，我的天啊

-What does that even mean? I don't know man sizes. -Oh, wow!

-那是什麼意思？我不知道男人的尺寸-哦，哇！

All night, I was like this --

整個晚上，我都是這樣...

I was sleeping and I was like --

我在睡覺，我就像 -

-[ Laughs ]

-[笑]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Ah, yes, the classic love story -- boy meets girl,

-啊，是的，經典的愛情故事 -- 男孩遇見女孩。

girl sniffs boy's pants.

女孩嗅著男孩的褲子。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Who would've guessed naked dodgeball would be

誰能想到赤裸裸的躲避球會是。

the second-most embarrassing scene

第二大尷尬場面

in "The Bachelorette"? [ Laughter ]

在 "單身女郎"？[笑聲]

The mood really changed when a camera guy walked in and said --

當一個攝像師走進來說------時，氣氛真的變了。

[ Smoker's voice ] Oh, good. You found my pants. Thank you.

[吸菸者的聲音] 哦，好。你發現我的褲子。你找到我的褲子了

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

I gotta give 'em back to Dale.

我得把它們還給戴爾。

Finally, Halloween is on Saturday, everyone,

終於，萬聖節在週六了，各位。

and it's no surprise that political costumes

毫不奇怪的是，政治服裝

are super popular this year.

是今年的超級流行。

People are dressing as absentee ballots,

人們都裝扮成缺席選票。

the Mike Pence fly, all sorts of things.

邁克-彭斯的飛，各種事情。

But if you still haven't picked out your costume

但如果你還沒有選好你的服裝的話

and need help, here, with a few suggestions,

並需要幫助，在這裡，給大家一些建議。

is our "Tonight Show" Halloween correspondent,

是我們的 "今夜秀 "萬聖節記者。

[ Drumroll ] Julio Torres!

胡里奧-託雷斯！

[ Cheering and applause ]

[歡呼和掌聲]

-Hey. Hello.

-嘿，你好

Hi, hi, hello, and boo.

嗨，嗨，你好，還有噓。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Good to see you, Julio.

-很高興見到你, Julio.

Your hair looks different.

你的頭髮看起來不一樣了。

-Well, I mean, yeah. I usually dye it,

-嗯，我是說，是的我通常都會把它染色

but there's simply no time for nonsense in 2020.

但2020年根本沒有時間廢話。

[ Laughter ] So, okay, here are some political costume ideas.

[笑] 所以，好吧，這裡有一些政治服裝的想法。

You could go as...

你可以去...

-Oh.

-哦

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That feels maybe too specific.

這感覺也許太具體了。

What about like a mailbox or Joe Biden's aviators?

那像郵箱或者喬-拜登的飛行器呢？

-Okay, sure, sure, sure.

-好吧，當然，當然，當然。

Or...

或者...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Or you could go as fracking.

或者你可以去做裂解。

Just put on a feather boa and diamond rings

戴上羽絨服和鑽戒就好了。

and have both parties be obsessed with you,

並讓雙方都為你著迷。

bring you champagne and kissing your hands.

給你帶來香檳和親吻你的手。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Or you can be...

或者你可以...

Or...

或者...

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

-Julio, I don't --

-朱利奧，我不... ...

-No, Jimmy, no.

-不，吉米，不

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

You can also go as...

你也可以去作為...

[ Laughter ] Hours of fun, redrawing maps,

重新繪製地圖，樂趣無窮。

tossing out little mailboxes,

拋出小信箱。

and moving polling places away from poor neighborhoods.

並將投票地點從貧困社區遷出；

[ Laughter ] -What about something recognizable

[笑聲]怎麼樣的東西識別的

and relatable?

和可親？

-Like in politics?

-喜歡政治嗎？

-Yeah.

-是的

-Okay, got it.

-好的，知道了

You could be...

你可能是...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It's like, "Sweetie, you constantly have

這就像，"親愛的，你不斷有

to defend his behavior, your life is worse because of him,

為他的行為辯護，你的生活因為他而變得更糟。

and he tells you that you can't do any better.

他告訴你，你不能做任何更好的。

He doesn't love you.

他不愛你

He needs you, and that's very different."

他需要你，這很不一樣。"

[ Laughter ]