WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

歡迎來到 "深夜秀"。

I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

我是你的主播，史蒂芬-科爾伯特。

FOLKS, THE 2020 ELECTION IS ONE WEEK AWAY.

夥計們，2020年的選舉還有一個星期就開始了。

MARK YOUR CALENDARS, AND THEN GET A BETTER CALENDAR.

標記你的日曆，然後得到一個更好的日曆。

IT SHOULD BE ON THERE ALREADY.

它應該是在那裡已經。

ON NOVEMBER 3, I WILL HAVE A LIVE ELECTION NIGHT SPECIAL ON

11月3日，我將有一個直播選舉之夜特別在

SHOWTIME.

SHOWTIME。

AND, YES, BECAUSE IT IS PAY CABLE, I'M WILLING TO DO FULL

而且，是的，因為它是付費有線電視，我願意做完整的

NUDITY AS LONG AS IT IS TASTEFUL, IN KEEPING WITH MY

只要是美味的裸體，就符合我的要求。

CHARACTER, AND FORWARDS THE PLOT OF THE RESULTS FROM

性格，並提出了結果的情節，從。

PENNSYLVANIA -- WHICH I HEAR IS GOING TO BE A CLOSE SHAVE, WHICH

賓夕法尼亞州 - 我聽說將是一個近距離的剃鬚，其中

I WILL ALSO NEED BEFORE THE FULL NUDITY.

我還需要在全裸之前。

SO FAR, BIDEN IS AHEAD IN THE POLLS AND IN THE EARLY VOTING.

到目前為止，比登在民意調查和早期投票中領先。

AND, APPARENTLY, THE SECRET TO BIDEN'S LEAD IS THAT PEOPLE FIND

而且，顯然，比登領先的祕密是，人們發現了。

HIM LIKABLE.

他很喜歡。

OKAY, SO, PEOPLE LIKE BIDEN BECAUSE HE'S LIKABLE.

好吧，所以，人們喜歡比登，因為他是可愛的。

FASCINATING.

FASCINATING。

THOUGH, TO BE FAIR, ANYONE CAN SEEM LIKABLE NEXT TO DONALD

不過，說句公道話，任何人都可以在唐納德身邊顯得很可愛。

TRUMP.

特朗普：

WELL, ALMOST ANYONE.

嗯，幾乎任何人。

BUT THE BIGGEST NEWS IN THE ELECTION IS THE CORONAVIRUS, AND

但是，選舉中最大的新聞是冠狀動脈，和。

THINGS ARE ONLY GETTING PLAGUE-IER.

事情變得越來越平淡了。

AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF:

我將在今晚的節目中告訴你們：

"CATCH A THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS BUMMER."

"抓住第三次浪潮：無盡的繁榮。"

>> I'M ROUNDING THE TURN, DUDE!

>> 我在轉彎，夥計！

>> Stephen: I JUST KEEP TALKING AND HE STAYS THERE?

>> 史蒂芬：我只是不停地說話，他卻一直在那裡？

OKAY.

好的。

IN THE PAST WEEK-- I WASN'T SURE-- THE U.S. AVERAGED OVER

在過去的一週裡，我不確定... ... 美國平均超過了...

70,000 NEW CASES A DAY, THE MOST IN ANY SEVEN-DAY STRETCH IN THE

每天新增70,000個病例，是歷次七天內新增病例最多的一次。

PANDEMIC.

PANDEMIC：

IT'S ESPECIALLY BAD IN SWING STATES.

特別是在搖擺州的情況下，更是糟糕。

NEW INFECTIONS ARE RAGING IN WISCONSIN.

新的傳染病在威斯康星州肆虐。

THINGS ARE SO BAD THAT WISCONSIN IT HAS CHANGED ITS STATE MOTTO

事情如此糟糕，以至於威斯康星州已經改變了它的州際公路。

FROM "FORWARD" TO "STAY BACK!

從 "前進 "到 "後退！"。

TRUMP'S PANDEMIC APPROVAL RATING IN THE BADGER STATE HAS DROPPED

特朗普在巴德克州的支持率下降了

FROM 51% IN MARCH TO 41% IN OCTOBER.

從3月的51%降至10月的41%；

EVEN MORE.

甚至更多。

POLLS HAVE FOUND THAT HOLDING RALLIES IN DEFIANCE OF

民意調查發現，舉行集會是為了反抗。

CORONAVIRUS HEALTH RECOMMENDATIONS HAS FUELED

冠狀病毒健康建議助推了 "冠狀病毒 "的發展

VOTERS' DISAPPROVAL OF HIS HANDING OF THE PANDEMIC.

投票者不贊成他對PANDEMIC的處理。

APPARENTLY, VOTERS ARE NOT RESPONDING TO HIS CAMPAIGN'S

顯然，選民們並沒有迴應他的競選計劃。

CLOSING MESSAGE: "LET THE MASKLESS MAN SPIT ON YOU!"

閉幕詞："讓蒙面人向你吐口水！"

IT'S A CLEAR MESSAGE.

這是一個明確的資訊。

THE VIRUS SURGE COULD HAVE A BIG EFFECT ON TRUMP VOTERS.

病毒激增可能會對特朗普的選民產生巨大影響。

SO FAR, 66 MILLION PEOPLE HAVE VOTED EARLY.

到目前為止，已有6600萬民眾提前投票。

IN FACT, PROJECTIONS INDICATE THE MAJORITY OF BALLOTS WILL BE

事實上，推算結果顯示，大部分的選票將是......。

CAST BEFORE ELECTION DAY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY.

歷史上第一次在選舉日之前播出。

AS BEN FRANKLIN SO WISELY PUT IT, "EARLY TO BED AND EARLY TO

正如本-弗蘭克林所言："早睡早起"。

VOTE, GET HIM OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE BEFORE HE DIGS A MOAT."

投票吧，在他挖壕溝之前把他趕出白宮。"

MOST OF THE EARLY VOTING HAS GONE TO THE DEMOCRATS, AND ON

大部分的早期投票都給了民主黨人，並且在... ...

THE OTHER SIDE, TRUMP HAS SPENT MONTHS WARNING HIS SUPPORTERS

另一邊，特朗普花了幾個月的時間警告他的支持者。

AGAINST VOTING BY MAIL, SO THE G.O.P. IS ESSENTIALLY BETTING

反對通過郵件投票，所以政府肯定是在押注。

ALL OF ITS CHIPS ON A STRONG ELECTION DAY.

所有的籌碼都在強勢的選舉日。

HE'S TAKING ALL OF HIS CHIPS AND PUTTING IT ALL ON BLACK...

他把他所有的芯片和把它全部放在黑色... ...

PEOPLE NOT VOTING.

人們不投票。

BUT THEY HAVE ALREADY IN MASSIVE NUMBERS.

但他們已經在大量的數量。

AND THE DISPARITY IN EARLY VOTING MEANS THAT TRUMP NEEDS A

和早期投票的差異意味著特朗普需要一個。

HUGE TURNOUT ON ELECTION DAY IN THE MIDDLE OF A SURGING

在激增的選舉日，大量的投票率。

PANDEMIC.

PANDEMIC：

IT'S THE LAST ACT OF TRUMP'S DEATH CULT.

這是特朗普死亡邪教的最後一幕。

( AS TRUMP ) "ALL RIGHT, CHILDREN OF MAGA,

（作為特朗普）"沒事，孩子們的馬格。

PUT ON YOUR NIKES, FILL YOUR THERMOS WITH KOOL-AID, AND GO

戴上你的眼鏡，給你的熱氣球灌滿酷愛的飲料，然後出發。

VOTE.

投票：

THEN I PROMISE, WE ALL BOARD THE SPACESHIPS TO THE COMET.

然後我保證，我們都會登上前往彗星的太空梭。

HERMAN CAIN, WE'LL SEE YOU SOON."

赫爾曼-凱恩，我們很快就會見到你。"

NOW, BIDEN IS GETTING A BOOST FROM ONE OF HIS FORMER RIVALS:

現在，比登得到了他以前的一個對手的支持。

BILLIONAIRE MIKE BLOOMBERG, SEEN HERE IN FUN SIZE FOR HALLOWEEN.

億萬富翁MIKE BLOOMBERG，在這裡看到的是萬聖節的FUN SIZE。

BLOOMBERG HAS BEEN PAYING FOR PRO-BIDEN ADS IN FLORIDA, AND

BLOOMBERG公司一直在佛羅里達州支付預付費廣告，並且。

THIS WEEK, BLOOMBERG WILL BE FUNDING A LAST-MINUTE AD BLITZ

本週，BLOOMBERG將在最後時刻進行廣告宣傳。

IN OHIO AND TEXAS.

在俄亥俄州和德克薩斯州。

HE'LL BE REACHING OUT TO TEXAS VOTERS WITH HIS TRADEMARK TEXAS

他將用他的商標 "德州 "來接觸德州的選民。

STYLE.

風格：

( AS BLOOMBERG ) "HOWDY AND HELLO, FELLOW

（作為BLOOMBERG）"HOWDY和HELLO，FELLOW"。

COW-POKES.

牛-POKES。

AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THIS POWERPOINT, YOUR TEXAS LONGHORN

正如你可以看到，你的德州長毛犬。

STEERS ARE A WONDERFUL SOURCE OF PASTRAMI.

駿馬是PASTRAMI的神奇來源。

NEXT SLIDE."

下一張幻燈片。"

LAST NIGHT AT THE WHITE HOUSE, THEY HELD A CONFIRMATION OF

昨晚在白宮，他們舉行了一次確認會

EVERYTHING WE HAVE EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THEM.

我們對他們的一切看法。

FOR MORE ON THIS STORY, WE GO NOW LIVE TO THE INEVITABILITY

關於這個故事的更多資訊，我們現在就去活到不可避免的程度。

DESK.

辦公桌：

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE

歡迎來到

INEVITABILITY DESK.

應邀服務檯：

I AM AND WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE STEPHEN COLBERT.

我是而且一直會是史蒂芬-科爾伯特

HUGE DAY FOR THE INEVITABLE: WE CAN PROJECT WATER IS WET, DEATH

不可避免的重要一天：我們可以投射水是溼的，死亡

COMES FOR US ALL, AND LAST NIGHT, JUDGE AMY CONEY BARRETT

為我們所有人而來，最後一夜，法官艾米-科尼-巴雷特。

WAS CONFIRMED 52 TO 48, WHICH MEANS DONALD TRUMP NOW HAS AS

被確認為52比48，這意味著唐納德-特魯姆普現在有了更多的機會。

MANY SUPREME COURT APPOINTMENTS AS HE'S HAD WIVES.

許多最高法院的任命，因為他有妻子。

AND UNLIKE TRUMP WIFE, THESE POSITIONS LAST A LIFETIME.

和特朗普的妻子一樣，這些職位可以持續一輩子。

THIS HAS BEEN THE INEVITABILITY DESK.

這一直是不可避免的辦公桌。

BACK TO ME, STEVE.

回到我身邊，史蒂夫。

THANK YOU, STEPHEN.

謝謝你，史蒂芬。

NOW, NOT EVERYTHING ABOUT BARRETT'S CONFIRMATION HAD TO

現在，並不是所有關於BARRETT確認的事情都必須要做。

HAPPEN THE WAY IT HAPPENED.

發生了它發生的方式。

BECAUSE AFTER THE SENATE VOTE, BARRETT WENT TO THE WHITE HOUSE

因為在參議院投票後，巴雷特去了白宮。

FOR A HASTILY THROWN-TOGETHER SWEARING-IN CEREMONY AND BALDLY

匆匆忙忙的宣誓就職儀式和愚蠢的。

POLITICAL PHOTO-OP WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP.

與特朗普總統的政治照相。

WHICH IS NOT NORMAL!

這是不正常的！

A MEMBER OF THE SUPREME COURT HASN'T BEHAVED SO

最高法院的一位成員還沒有這樣的行為。

INAPPROPRIATELY SINCE JUSTICE KENNEDY APPEARED ON THE BENCH

肯尼迪大法官上臺後的不當行為

WEARING A T-SHIRT THAT READ "IT'S NOT A GAVEL.

穿著一件寫著 "這不是GAVEL "的T恤。

IT'S A CHICK HAMMER."

這是一個小雞錘。"

AMY CONEY BARRETT JOINING THE COURT COULD LET CONSERVATIVES

AMY CONEY BARRETT加入法院可以讓消費者

LIMIT VOTING IN THE ELECTION.

在選舉中限制投票。

BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, THEY'RE DOING IT ALREADY, BECAUSE

但從好的方面看，他們已經在做了，因為... ...

YESTERDAY, ALONG IDEOLOGICAL LINES, THE SUPREME COURT

明天，沿著思想學的路線，最高法院

REJECTED A REQUEST TO EXTEND WISCONSIN'S DEADLINE FOR

駁回關於延長威斯康星州的截止日期的請求。

COUNTING MAIL-IN BALLOTS, A DECISION WHICH COULD

計算郵寄選票，一個可能的決定。

DISENFRANCHISE UP TO 100,000 VOTERS.

取消多達10萬名選民的投票權。

OR AS THE CONSERVATIVE JUSTICES CALLED IT, "A GOOD START."

或者像保守派法官所說的那樣 "一個好的開始"

♪ ♪ ♪ >> VINTAGE LAWYER JOKE SLAM!

>> Stephen: THIS WAS A DUMB RULING DURING A PANDEMIC, WHEN

>> Stephen:這是一個愚蠢的裁決，在PANDEMIC期間，當。

MANY AMERICANS ARE VOTING BY MAIL TO STAY SAFE.

許多美國人通過郵寄投票來保持安全。

BUT THE DUMBEST PART CAME FROM SUPREME COURT JUSTICE KAVANAUGH,

但最愚蠢的部分來自最高法院法官卡瓦諾。

SEEN HERE ARGUING THE CASE OF "BRETT V. BARTENDER WHO CUT HIM

在這裡看到的論證 "佈雷特訴巴頓德案 "的案例，他砍了他。

OFF."

關。"

KAVANAUGH RULED AGAINST LETTING ALL THE VOTES BE COUNTED, CITING

KAVANAUGH裁定不允許對所有選票進行統計，理由是：。

THE SUPREME COURT'S DECISION TO ARBITRARILY CUT OFF VOTING AND

最高法院關於任意中斷投票的決定和......。

HAND THE WHITE HOUSE TO A REPUBLICAN IN 2000'S "BUSH V.

在2000年的 "布什V.C. "事件中，將白宮交給共和黨人。

GORE."

戈爾。"

THAT CASE IS THE WORST THING TO COME OUT OF 2000!

那件案子是2000年以來最糟糕的事情!

AND A LOT OF BAD THINGS HAPPENED THAT YEAR.

那一年發生了很多不好的事情。

WE STILL NEVER GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF WHO LET THE DOGS OUT.

我們仍然沒有達到誰把狗放出來的底線。

RE-OPEN THE COLD CASE!

重新打開冷藏箱!

APPARENTLY, JUSTICE KAVANAUGH HAS GRADUATED-- DID YOU LIKE

顯然，卡瓦諾大法官已經畢業了，你喜歡嗎？

THAT JOKE OVER THERE?

那邊的笑話？

DID YOU LIKE THAT ONE?

你喜歡那個嗎？

I DID, TOO.

我也是

I DID, TOO.

我也是

APPARENTLY, JUSTICE KAVANAUGH HAS GRADUATED FROM LOCAL

顯然，大法官卡瓦諾已經從在地畢業了。

MICROBREWS TO HUFFING PAINT THINNER, BECAUSE IN "BUSH V.

微生物到胡芬油漆稀釋劑，因為在 "布什V.

GORE," THAT COURT SPECIFICALLY SAID "OUR CONSIDERATION IS

戈爾，"該法院明確表示，"我們的考慮是，"。

LIMITED TO THE PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCES," WHICH MEANS THIS

限於目前的情況"，這意味著這

RULING COULD NOT FUNCTION AS A PRECEDENT.

規則不能作為先決條件發揮作用。

WELL, I GUESS IT'S TOO MUCH TO EXPECT BRETT KAVANAUGH TO LISTEN

好吧，我想這是太多的期望 佈雷特・卡瓦諾聽。

TO SOMEONE SAYING "STOP, DON'T DO THIS."

有人說："停止，不這樣做。"

IN HIS OPINION, KAVANAUGH WROTE THAT STATES WHO TRY TO COUNT

在他的觀點中，卡瓦諾寫道，試圖計算的國家

BALLOTS THAT ARRIVE AFTER ELECTION DAY COULD BE HIT WITH

在選舉日之後收到的選票可能會被擊中。

"CHAOS AND SUSPICIONS OF IMPROPRIETY."

"混亂和懷疑不廉潔。"

HEY, BRETT, HAVE YOU LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW?

嘿，佈雷特，你看過窗外了嗎？

"CHAOS AND IMPROPRIETY" IS THE 2020 PROM THEME.

"混亂與不虔誠 "是2020年舞會的主題。

THREE WEEKS AGO, SOME PRETEND MILITIA YAHOOS PLOTTED TO KIDNAP

三週前，一些人認為摩洛伊斯蘭教的亞希歐人計劃綁架。

THE GOVERNOR OF MICHIGAN, AND WE'RE LIKE "OH, YEAH, THAT

密歇根州的州長，我們想 "哦，是的，那。

HAPPENED."

發生了。"

ONE PERSON WHO WASN'T HAVING ANY OF KAVANAUGH'S ARGUMENT WAS

一個人誰也沒有任何卡瓦諾夫的論點，是

JUSTICE ELENA KAGAN, SEEN HERE IMAGINING A 13-MEMBER SUPREME

大法官艾麗娜-卡根，在這裡看到她正在想象一個13人的最高法院。

COURT.

法院：

IN HER DISSENT, KAGAN WROTE, "JUSTICE KAVANAUGH ALLEGES THAT

在她的反對意見中，卡根寫道："卡瓦諾大法官指責

'SUSPICIONS OF IMPROPRIETY' WILL RESULT IF 'ABSENTEE BALLOTS FLOW

如出現 "缺席者投票"，將產生 "貪汙嫌疑"。

IN AFTER ELECTION DAY AND POTENTIALLY FLIP THE RESULTS OF

在選舉日之後，有可能顛覆選舉結果。

AN ELECTION,' BUT THERE ARE NO RESULTS TO 'FLIP' UNTIL ALL

選舉"，但沒有結果 "翻轉"，直到所有。

VALID VOTES ARE COUNTED."

有效的票數都計算在內。"

EXACTLY!

完全正確！

IF WE DON'T COUNT ALL THE VOTES, WE'RE NOT DECLARING A WINNER.

如果我們不計算所有的票數，我們就不宣佈獲勝。

WE'RE JUST SAYING WHO'S AHEAD AT MIDNIGHT.

我們只是在說誰在午夜時分領先。

THERE'S A REASON YOU NEVER HEAR A BASEBALL ANNOUNCER SAY,

這就是為什麼你從來沒有聽到一個棒球播報員說：

"BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH, BASES LOADED, ALL TIED UP, TAMPA BAY

"第八局下半場，壘上壘，全部綁好，坦帕灣

3, LOS ANGELES 3.

3，洛杉磯3。

IT'S A HIT!

這是一個打擊！

A LONG FLY BALL, AND LET'S CALL IT THERE, FOLKS.

一顆長飛球，讓我們在這裡收工吧，夥計們。

WE ARE WILLING TO PROJECT THE DODGERS GAVE ME MY JOB.

我們願意投射道奇隊給我的工作。

SO THEY WIN."

所以他們贏了。"

HEY, WISCONSINITES, LOOKS LIKE BRETT KAVANAUGH DOESN'T WANT

嘿，WISCONSINITES，看起來像BRETT KAVANAUGH不希望。