And welcome to "The Tonight Show."

歡迎來到 "今夜秀"。

Let's get to the news and jokes.

讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

Well, guys, this morning,

好了，夥計們，今天早上。

the Commission on Presidential Debates,

總統辯論委員會，

which I'm assuming is just a bunch of guys with

我猜想這只是一群人與。

bird masks and butt paddles, made a big announcement

鳥面罩和臀槳，大肆宣稱

about the next presidential debate.

關於下一次總統辯論。

Listen to this.

聽聽這個。

-The commission just announcing that the next debate

-委員會剛剛宣佈，下一次的辯論

will be entirely virtual as the president still battles COVID.

將完全是虛擬的，因為總統還在和COVID戰鬥。

The candidates will participate from separate remote locations.

候選人將從不同的遠程地點參加。

-Yeah, a virtual debate...

-是啊，虛擬辯論... ...

with two guys in their 70s and a moderator in his 60s.

有兩個70多歲的人和一個60多歲的主持人。

I'm sure that'll run real smooth.

我敢肯定，這將運行真正的順利。

And to make it even more annoying,

而讓人更討厭的是。

they're going to have Trump and Biden

他們將有特朗普和拜登。

chomp on baby carrots while they talk.

一邊說一邊咬著小胡蘿蔔。

[ Chomping ]

[Chomping]

A virtual debate with Trump?

與特朗普進行虛擬辯論？

Come on. How great would that be?

來吧。那將是多麼偉大？

It's like, "Melania, what's the Wi-Fi password?"

就像 "梅拉尼婭，Wi-Fi密碼是多少？"

[ Slovenian accent ] 1, 2, 3, 4 --

[斯洛文尼亞口音] 1, 2, 3, 4 --

same as nuke codes."

和核彈密碼一樣"。

[ Normal voice ] Yeah, a virtual debate seems like a safe idea.

是啊，虛擬辯論似乎是個安全的主意。

During a phone call this morning on "Fox Business,"

在今天早上的 "福克斯商業 "的電話中，"

Trump was asked about it, and here's what he had to say.

特朗普被問及此事，他是這麼說的。

-The CPD, the Commission on Presidential Debates,

-總統辯論委員會（CPD）；

announcing this morning

今早宣佈

that the second presidential debate will be virtual.

第二場總統辯論將是虛擬的。

Are you saying you're not going to participate?

你是說你不參加嗎？

-Yep, Trump says he won't waste time.

-是的，特朗普說他不會浪費時間。

Then he went back to chatting on Fox Business for 55 minutes.

然後他又在福克斯商業頻道上聊了55分鐘。

55 minutes.

55分鐘

Halfway through, Maria Bartiromo texted

中途，瑪麗亞-巴蒂羅莫發來簡訊稱

the hosts of "Fox & Friends" like,

"福克斯和朋友 "的主持人喜歡。

"How do you make him stop?"

"你怎麼讓他停下來？"

Seriously, the call was so exhausting,

說真的，這個電話太累了。

Maria went online and booked four days at Walter Reed.

瑪麗亞上網在沃爾特-裡德訂了四天的機票。

After Trump stated that he would not "waste his time,"

在特朗普表示不會 "浪費時間 "後，。

Joe Biden announced that he was

喬-拜登宣佈，他是

backing out of the debate, as well.

退出辯論，以及。

It's like a group text.

就像群文一樣。

Once one person bails on brunch,

一旦有一個人在早午餐上開溜。

the floodgates open, and everybody jumps ship.

閘門打開，每個人都跳槽。

They're like, "Uh, I got something, too.

他們會說："呃，我也有東西。

Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Well, I forgot about that."

是啊，是啊。對不起，我忘了。好吧，我忘了這一點。"

It's too bad for the people who were going to speak

這對那些要發言的人來說太糟糕了。

at the town hall, 'cause they were

在市政廳，"因為他們是

really looking forward to having their questions

期待著他們的問題

ignored on national television.

在國家電視臺上被忽視。

Anyway, back to Trump's phone call.

總之，回到特朗普的電話。

Maria asked the president how he's doing,

瑪麗亞問總統的情況。

and it was clear that Trump is having a tough time

而且很明顯，特朗普的日子不好過。

staying in quarantine.

留在隔離區；

Listen to this.

聽聽這個。

-A rally? He's actually considering that?

-集會？他真的在考慮這個？

Trump's aides were like, "You got it, boss,"

特朗普的助手們說："你說對了，老闆。"

then put him in a room with 5,000 cardboard cutouts.

然後把他放在一個有5000張紙板剪紙的房間裡。

Later in the interview,

後來在採訪中。

Trump had a sound bite that I found very interesting.

特朗普有一個聲音，我覺得非常有意思。

Check this out.

看看這個。

-[ As Trump ] Whaaat?

-[作為特朗普]Whaaat？

Wha...

Wha...

I've never felt better.

我從來沒有感覺好過。

My body is a finely tuned Swiss clock.

我的身體是一個精巧的瑞士鍾。

Everything is in perfect working order.

一切都在完美的工作秩序。

[ Normal voice ] "So happy you're better."

[正常聲音] "很高興你好起來了。"

[ As Trump ] Whaaat?

[作為特朗普]Whaaat？

[ Normal voice ] Trump suddenly turned into every grandpa

特朗普突然變成了每一個老爺子

when you ask how they're feeling.

當你問他們感覺如何時，

"What?"

"什麼？"

Also, minor detail -- there's no such thing

另外，一個小細節 -- 沒有這樣的事情。

as being immune to COVID.

免受COVID的影響，

After he said that, Dr. Fauci poured himself

說完之後，福齊醫生就給自己倒了杯水

a big antibody cocktail minus the antibody.

一個大的抗體雞尾酒減去抗體。

Towards the end of the interview,

在採訪的最後。

Maria had a question about Trump's current COVID status,

瑪麗亞有一個關於特朗普目前COVID狀態的問題。

and he gave her a pretty interesting answer.

他給了她一個很有趣的答案。

Listen to this.

聽聽這個。

-You're feeling good. Have you been tested recently?

-你感覺很好你最近做過檢查嗎？

Can you tell us anything else about your condition?

你能告訴我們你的其他情況嗎？

-Essentially?

-基本上？

This is kind of a binary situation.

這是一種二元對立的局面。

You either have COVID or you don't.

你要麼有COVID，要麼沒有。

Doctors don't say, "Good news.

醫生不會說 "好消息"。

You don't have COVID anymore... more or less.

你沒有COVID了... 或多或少。

Per se."

本身。"

That's not very comforting.

這不是很舒服。

You don't see a celebrity coming out of rehab like, "All good.

你不會看到一個名人從戒毒所出來的時候說："一切都好"。

I'm essentially clean."

我基本上是乾淨的。"

Well, guys, last night was, of course,

好了，夥計們，昨晚是，當然。

the big vice-presidential debate between

副總統大辯論

Mike Pence and Kamala Harris,

邁克-彭斯和卡馬拉-哈里斯。

and everyone's still talking about it

談虎色變

because a fly actually landed on Pence's head.

因為一隻蒼蠅真的落在了彭斯的頭上。

Watch this. -Yes.

看這個-是的

-It's a great insult to the men and women

-這是對男人和女人的極大侮辱。

who serve in law enforcement.

在執法部門服務的人；

-Part of a pattern of Donald Trump's.

唐納德-特朗普模式的一部分。

He was...

他是...

-At that point, every American was like,

-在那一刻，每個美國人都喜歡，

"Is that on him or on my TV?"

"是在他身上還是在我的電視上？"

You know vice-presidential debates are boring

你知道副總統的辯論很無聊的

when a fly shows up and the entire Internet loses its mind.

當一隻蒼蠅出現，整個互聯網失去理智。

Meanwhile, a bunch of other flies off-camera were like,

與此同時，鏡頭外的其他一群蒼蠅也都像。

"Oh, my God.

"哦，我的天啊。

I can't believe you actually did it!

我不敢相信你真的做到了!

You're a legend, dude!

你是個傳奇，夥計！

Epic!

史詩！

I can't believe you did it!"

我不相信是你乾的！"

Kamala Harris was probably sitting there thinking,

卡馬拉-哈里斯可能坐在那裡想。

"I've been strong and commanding,

"我一直很強勢，很有指揮權。

and all anyone is going to be talking about

而所有的人都會被談論

is that stupid fly."

是那隻愚蠢的蒼蠅。"

Yeah, that was a tough moment for Pence,

是啊，這對彭斯來說是個艱難的時刻。

although it's still not as bad as

雖不及

the last vice-presidential debate,

最後一場副總統辯論。

when a barn owl attacked Tim Kaine.

當一隻穀倉貓頭鷹攻擊蒂姆-凱恩的時候。

Yep, Pence had a rough night.

是的，彭斯今晚很不順利。

As if the fly wasn't bad enough, people also noticed

如果這隻蒼蠅還不夠壞的話，人們也注意到了

there was something going on with his eyeball.

他的眼球有問題。

Look at his eye.

看他的眼睛。

Yeah, he's the head of the Coronavirus Task Force.

是的，他是冠狀病毒專案組的負責人。

Not really a great look when

不是很好看，當

you're covered in bugs and bleeding out of your eye.

你渾身都是蟲子，眼睛都在流血。

Yep, last night's debate was an epic battle

是的，昨晚的辯論是一場史詩般的戰鬥。

between side-eye and red-eye.

介於側眼和紅眼之間。

It's a tough break for Pence.

對彭斯來說，這是一個艱難的突破。

It's hard to shake the reputation of being robotic

很難撼動機器人的名聲。

when you show up looking like the Terminator.

當你看起來像終結者的時候

Also, can you believe Kamala Harris

還有，你能相信卡馬拉-哈里斯

had to stare at that for 90 minutes?

不得不盯著那個90分鐘？

As if she wasn't under enough pressure,

彷彿她的壓力還不夠大。

she had to debate the Bond villain with the leaky eye.

她不得不辯論邦德的反派與漏眼。

[ As Le Chiffre ] Be very careful, Mr. Bond.

小心點，邦德先生。

[ Normal voice ] People are worried about Pence

大家都在擔心彭斯。

because pinkeye is a possible symptom of coronavirus.

因為紅眼病是冠狀病毒的一種可能症狀。

Even scarier, today,

更可怕的是，今天。

Pence's temperature shot all the way up to 84.6.

彭斯的體溫一路飆升至84.6。

Well, a lot of people also noticed that Pence

好吧，很多人也注意到了彭斯

kept interrupting Harris, but she wasn't having it.

一直在打斷哈里斯的話，但她並沒有這樣做。

Watch this.

看這個。

-This is important, and I want to add --

這一點很重要，我想補充一點----

-Susan, I have to weigh in here.

-蘇珊，我必須在這裡稱一下。

-Mr. Vice President, I'm speaking.

-副總統先生，我說。

-I have to weigh in. -I'm speaking.

-我得說幾句.-我在說

...raise taxes on anybody who makes less than $400,000 a year.

...對年收入低於40萬的人加稅。

-He said he's going to repeal the Trump tax cuts.

-他說他要廢除特朗普的減稅政策。

-Mr. Vice President, I'm speaking.

-副總統先生，我說。

-Well -- -I'm speaking.

-我是說...

If you don't mind letting me finish,

如果你不介意讓我說完。

we can then have a conversation, okay?

我們可以有一個對話，好嗎？

-Please. -Okay.

-求你了-好的

In 1864 --

1864年 -- --

-Well, I'd like you to answer the question.

-好吧，我希望你能回答我的問題。

-Mr. Vice President, I'm speaking.

-副總統先生，我說。

I'm speaking. Okay?

我在說好嗎？

[ Laughter, applause ]

[笑聲，掌聲]

-Compared to the presidential debate,

-與總統辯論相比。

that wasn't too bad, although that's like comparing

還不錯，雖然這就像在比較

a five-star restaurant to a Waffle House at 3:00 a.m.

一個五星級餐廳到凌晨三點的華夫餅屋。

That's right -- there were a lot of memorable moments

沒錯，有很多值得紀念的時刻。

during the debate, and there are plenty of jokes to be made,

在辯論中，有很多笑話可講。

but if it's alright, I want to take a moment

但如果可以的話，我想花點時間... ...

to say something serious about democracy.

認真地說一下民主問題。

That okay?

可以嗎？

-You asking me? I mean, it's your show, man.

-你問我？我的意思是，這是你的節目，男人。

You can do whatever you want.

你可以做任何你想做的事情。

-America is at an inflection point right now.

-美國現在正處於一個拐點。

And we, as a nation, have to come together to make a choice.

而我們作為一個國家，必須要一起做出選擇。

-[ Laughs ] Um, Jimmy, you got something on your, uh...

-嗯，吉米，你有東西在你的，呃... ...

-This country needs to ask itself some hard questions,

-這個國家需要問自己一些艱難的問題。

like, "What is America?

如："美國是什麼？

Who is freedom?

誰是自由？

And when is liberty?"

那什麼時候才是自由呢？"

-That didn't even make -- You know what?

-這甚至沒有使 - 你知道嗎？

I don't care, man. Just keep doing your thing.

我不在乎，夥計。只要繼續做你的事情。

-So get out there

-那就出去吧

and be the change you want to see in the world.

併成為你想看到的世界的變化。

-Jimmy...

-吉米...

-Uh, yeah? What's up, Tariq? Something you want to tell me?

-嗯，是嗎？怎麼了，塔裡克？你有什麼事要告訴我嗎？

-I just wanted to say that was beautiful.

-我只想說這太美了。

-You trim your beard or something?

-你修剪過你的鬍子還是什麼？

You look different.

你看起來不一樣了

-No, man.

-不，夥計

There's a [bleep] squirrel on my head.

有一隻松鼠在我頭上。

-Well, listen to this.

-好吧，聽聽這個

I saw that the governor of California

我看到加州的州長

has a new recommendation for residents

有一個新的建議給居民

to safely eat at restaurants during the pandemic.

疫情期間在餐館安全用餐。

-The governor's office tweeted out, saying,

-州長辦公室在推特上發文稱：。

when you're eating out at a restaurant,

當你在餐廳吃飯的時候。

to keep your mask on in between bites of food.

以便在吃東西的間隙戴上面膜。

The tweet even shows an image of someone wearing a mask,

這條微博甚至顯示了一個戴著面具的人的形象。

then not wearing a mask, taking a bite,

然後不戴口罩，吃了一口。

and then putting the mask back on again.

然後再把面具戴上。

-So you have to pull your mask down.

-所以你必須把你的面具拉下來。

You take a bite.

你吃一口。

Then you put your mask back on, you chew, swallow, then repeat.

然後你再戴上口罩，你咀嚼，吞嚥，然後重複。

Or you could just fill your mask with food

或者你可以用食物填滿你的面具

and eat like a horse.

並像馬一樣吃飯。

Even Donald Trump was like...

連唐納德-特朗普都喜歡...

"Whaaat?"

"Whaaat？"

This is interesting.

這很有趣

I saw that, starting in November,

我看到，從11月開始。

Singapore will offer cruises to nowhere.

新加坡將提供無處可去的郵輪。

So they're basically just going to go out,

所以他們基本上就是要出去了。

float, and come back.

漂浮，然後回來。

So if you're tired of being cooped up at home,

所以如果你厭倦了被關在家裡。

try it in a smaller room that rocks back and forth.

試著在一個較小的房間裡來回搖晃。

Normally, if someone invites you on a cruise to nowhere,

通常情況下，如果有人邀請你坐遊輪去某個地方。

you're like "Okay, cool.

你就像 "好吧，酷。

I'm about to be murdered."

我就要被謀殺了。"

Seriously, I'm pretty sure "Cruise to Nowhere"

說真的，我敢肯定，"巡航到無名之地"

is the name of every "Dateline" episode.

是每集 "Dateline "的名字。

"They had the perfect marriage.

"他們有完美的婚姻。

Then they booked two tickets on a cruise...to nowhere."

然後他們訂了兩張遊輪的票......到哪裡去。"

Speaking of traveling,

說到旅行。

I saw that hotels.com is offering a stay

我看到 hotels.com提供了一個住宿。

in a pretty interesting destination.

在一個相當有趣的目的地。

-Hotels.com is offering a unique escape.

-酒店網提供了一個獨特的逃避。

After casting your early ballot, you can enter a contest

投完提前投票後，你可以參加一個比賽。

to live under a rock during election week.

在選舉週期間住在岩石下。

It's a man-made cave built 50 feet below ground.

這是一個建在地下50英尺的人工洞穴。

-The website's great.

-網站很好

It's like, "Oh, we got a king-sized bed.

這就像，"哦，我們得到了一個特大號的床。

You got a Jacuzzi, mole people."

你有一個按摩浴缸，鼴鼠人。"

And, finally, a café in Prague is getting

最後，布拉格的一家咖啡館終於得到了。

a lot of attention for its new dessert.

因其新的甜品而備受關注。

Check it out.

看看吧

-There's a café in Prague which is looking to, well,

-布拉格的一家咖啡館正在尋找... 嗯..,

lighten the mood amid a slump in business

掃興

because of the pandemic.

因為大流行病。

Owners debuted a dessert cake shaped

業主首次亮相的甜品蛋糕形

like the novel coronavirus in an effort to draw customers.

像新穎的冠狀病毒，以吸引客戶。

-Yeah, they're really into the whole theme.

-是的，他們真的很喜歡這個主題。

When you order it, the server puts it in his mouth

當你點菜的時候，服務員會把它放進嘴裡。

and spits it back into yours like a baby bird.

並像小鳥一樣吐回你的體內。