Welcome to "The Tonight Show." Thank you so much.

歡迎來到 "今夜秀"。非常感謝你。

Let's get to the news and jokes.

讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

Well, guys, the election is just a week away,

好了，夥計們，選舉只剩下一週了。

but the White House is making news for all the wrong reasons.

但白宮製造新聞的原因是錯誤的。

Take a look.

看看吧

-Concerns of another coronavirus outbreak at the White House,

-擔心白宮再次爆發冠狀病毒。

after five of Vice President Mike Pence's associates,

後，副總統邁克-彭斯的5名同夥。

including his chief of staff, test positive for COVID-19.

包括他的參謀長在內，COVID-19檢測呈陽性。

The Vice President campaigning in North Carolina,

副總統在北卡羅來納州競選。

a move defended by White House officials,

白宮官員為此舉辯護。

who called him an essential worker.

誰叫他是一個重要的工作者呢。

-Even Joe Biden is like, "Trust me.

連喬-拜登都說："相信我。

Being Vice President is not essential work."

當副院長不是必不可少的工作。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right. The coronavirus is spreading

沒錯，冠狀病毒正在傳播冠狀病毒正在蔓延

through the coronavirus task force.

通過冠狀病毒工作隊。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But don't worry -- the White House is now forming

但別擔心... 白宮現在正在組建... ...

a task force to figure out what went wrong with the task force.

一個工作隊，以找出工作隊的問題所在。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yep, the only place the coronavirus

是的，只有在冠狀病毒的地方...

is rounding the corner is in the halls of the White House.

正在拐彎處是白宮的大廳裡。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Seriously, it doesn't instill a lot of confidence

說真的，這並不能給人帶來很大的信心

that the head of the coronavirus task force's office

冠狀病毒專責小組辦公室主任的報告。

got the coronavirus.

得到了冠狀病毒。

It's like if the Avengers got mugged.

就像復仇者們被搶劫了一樣 It's like if the Avengers got mugged.

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Meanwhile, when Pence saw he was trending online, he was like,

同時，當彭斯看到自己在網上的趨勢時，他就像。

"Oh, no. Do I have another fly on my head?"

"哦，不。我的頭上又多了一隻蒼蠅嗎？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

That's right, Pence will continue to campaign,

沒錯，彭斯會繼續競選。

'cause not even COVID can stop people from seeing

"因為即使是COVID也不能阻止人們看到

the electricity and raw sexual magnetism

電光火石

that is Mike Pence in person. [ Laughter ]

那是邁克・彭斯本人[笑聲]

That's right, five members of Mike Pence's staff

是的，邁克-彭斯的五名員工。

tested positive for coronavirus.

冠狀病毒檢測呈陽性。

Pence himself tested negative,

彭斯本人檢測結果為陰性。

but he did go through a contact-tracing program.

但他確實經歷了一個接觸追蹤計劃。

We actually got the audio from the phone call with his doctor.

其實我們得到了他和醫生的電話錄音。

Listen to this.

聽聽這個。

-There you go. Well, interesting.

-給你好吧，有趣的。

[ Cheers and applause ]

[歡呼聲和掌聲]

Interesting that we got that audio.

有意思的是，我們得到了那個音頻。

And this didn't help. Yesterday, White House

而這也無濟於事。昨天，白宮

chief of staff Mark Meadows got a lot of attention

幕僚長馬克-梅多斯備受矚目

for what he said about controlling the virus.

對於他所說的控制病毒。

Watch this.

看這個。

-So here's what we have to do.

-所以我們要做的是：

We're not going to control the pandemic.

我們無法控制疫情。

We are going to control the fact that we get vaccines,

我們要控制我們打疫苗的事實。

therapeutics, and other mitigations --

療法和其他緩解措施----

-Why aren't we gonna get control of the pandemic?

-為什麼我們不能控制疫情？

-The White House has said, "It is what it is,

-白宮曾說："就是這樣。

and we are not going to control it."

而我們是不會控制它的。"

They talk about COVID like it's a wild teen on "Dr. Phil."

他們談論COVID就像 "菲爾博士 "裡的野孩子一樣。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

"We're out of ideas.

"我們沒辦法了。

Hopefully this thing calms down with age."

希望這件事隨著年齡的增長而平息下來。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It's like the coronavirus won the Super Bowl,

這就像冠狀病毒贏得了超級碗。

except it already made trips to Disneyland and the White House.

除了它已經去了迪斯尼樂園和白宮。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Well, the White House isn't alone.

好吧，白宮並不孤單。

Fox News is also dealing with their own outbreak.

福克斯新聞也在處理自己的爆料。

Listen to this.

聽聽這個。

-"The New York Times" reports the president of Fox News

-"紐約時報 "報道，福克斯新聞的總裁

and several of the channel's top anchors,

和幾個頻道的頂級主播。

including Bret Baier and Martha MacCallum,

包括Bret Baier和Martha MacCallum。

they have been advised to quarantine.

他們已被告知要隔離。

They were exposed to the virus on a flight to Nashville

他們是在飛往納什維爾的班機上接觸到病毒的。

for last Thursday's final presidential debate.

為上週四的最後一場總統辯論。

-Dang. First, Pence's inner circle

-當。首先，彭斯的核心圈子

gets COVID and now Trump's.

得到COVID，現在特朗普的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I hope none of the anchors on Fox News have the virus,

我希望福克斯新聞的主播們都不要感染病毒。

'cause if you think Sean Hannity's intense now,

因為如果你覺得肖恩-漢尼迪現在很緊張，

imagine him on steroids.

想象一下他在類固醇。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But this was nice. Trump called to check

但這很好。特朗普打電話來檢查

on everyone, then spent the next 55 minutes

然後花了55分鐘

ranting about windmills.

叨叨風車。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

They say if anyone's acting disoriented or lethargic,

他們說，如果有人表現得神志不清或昏昏欲睡，

don't worry -- that's just Lou Dobbs.

別擔心... ... 那只是Lou Dobbs。

-The caravan of mostly Central American immigrants

-主要是中美洲移民的大篷車；

is now in the Mexican City of "Wach-la-da" tonight.

今晚正在墨西哥城的 "瓦赫拉達"。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

-Oh, Lou, come on.

-哦，盧，來吧

We're almost done showing that. [ Laughter ]

我們幾乎完成了顯示。[笑聲]

Get this -- the Trump administration

聽好了，特朗普政府

did have a plan for a COVID vaccine.

確實有一個COVID疫苗的計劃。

Check out who they wanted to give it to.

看看他們想給誰。

-Santa And Mrs. Claus will not be getting an early vaccine.

-聖誕老人和聖誕夫人不會提前接種疫苗的.

The Department of Health and Human Services is dropping

衛生和人類服務部正在放棄。

a holiday ad campaign that would have offered

節日廣告活動，將提供

Santa Claus performers, along with Mrs. Claus

聖誕老人的表演者，以及克勞斯夫人。

and elf performers, early access to a vaccine

和小精靈表演者，提前獲得疫苗的機會

in exchange for promoting the benefits to the public.

以換取對公眾的利益促進。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-That was their plan?

-這就是他們的計劃？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Mall Santas?

商場桑塔斯？

Yeah, 'cause before making any important medical decisions,

是的，因為在做出任何重要的醫療決定之前，

I wanna hear what a drifter with whiskey breath has to say.

我想聽聽一個有威士忌口氣的流浪漢怎麼說。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Seriously, nothing says "trustworthy" quite like a man

說真的，沒有什麼比一個男人更值得信賴的了

sitting outside a Hot Topic, asking you to sit on his lap.

坐在一個熱點話題外面，請你坐在他的腿上。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Have you ever seen a mall Santa?

你見過商場裡的聖誕老人嗎？

Coronavirus is like 10th on the list of things

冠狀病毒是第10位的事情。

they need vaccines for.

他們需要疫苗，

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Speaking of the holidays, Halloween is almost here,

說到節日，萬聖節快到了。

and last night, the Trumps hosted trick-or-treaters

昨晚，特朗普夫婦接待了不給糖就搗蛋的人。

at the White House, where they were greeted

在白宮，他們在那裡受到了歡迎。

by two kids who dressed up like them.

被兩個打扮得像他們的孩子。

Look that. [ Laughter ]

你看那。[笑聲]

Well, at least one Trump is wearing a mask.

嗯，至少有一個特朗普戴著面具。

[ Laughter, groans ]

[笑聲，呻吟]

But this was crazy. At one point,

但這太瘋狂了。有一次。

Trump fled to his bunker when he saw a little girl

特朗普看到一個小女孩就逃到了他的掩體裡。

dressed as Lesley Stahl.

扮成萊斯利-斯塔爾。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yep, this Halloween party was a little different.

是的，這個萬聖節派對有點不同。

Instead of candy, Trump was handing out unapproved vaccines.

特朗普發放的不是糖果，而是未經準許的疫苗。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I hope everyone had a good time 'cause I don't think

我希望每個人都有一個很好的時間，因為我不認為。

Melania's next event will be quite as fun.

梅拉尼婭的下一個活動將相當有趣。

Yeah, exactly. [ Laughter ]

是啊，沒錯。[笑聲]

Some more political news -- this weekend, Russian president

更多的政治新聞 -- 本週末，俄羅斯總統。

Vladimir Putin was asked about Joe Biden's family.

弗拉基米爾-普京被問及喬-拜登的家庭。

Check it out.

看看吧

-Russian President Vladimir Putin isn't going along

俄羅斯總統弗拉基米爾-普京不願意和我們一起走。

with one of President Trump's campaign attacks

與美國總統特朗普的一次競選活動攻擊

on Joe Biden's son.

在喬-拜登的兒子。

On state television, Mr. Putin said he doesn't see

在國家電視臺上，普京先生說，他沒有看到。

anything criminal in Hunter Biden's past

亨特-拜登的過去

business ties with Ukraine or Russia.

與烏克蘭或俄羅斯的商業關係。

-2020 -- where Vladimir Putin is somehow the voice of reason.

-2020年 -- 在那裡，弗拉基米爾-普京以某種方式成為理性的代言人。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Even Putin is distancing himself from Trump.

連普京都在和特朗普保持距離。

He's like, "Donald is too much drama,

他說："唐納德太戲劇化了。

like a Real Housewife of Volgograd.

就像伏爾加格勒的真正主婦一樣。

Volgograd. Real Housewife of Volgograd."

伏爾加格勒。"伏爾加格勒的真正主婦"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Putin was like, "Terrible, terrible conspiracy.

普京就說："可怕，可怕的陰謀。

I give it one out of five poison syringes."

我給它打了五支毒針劑中的一支。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Here's a big story.

這裡有一個大新聞。

Today, the Senate voted to confirm Judge Amy Coney Barrett

今天，參議院投票確認了法官艾米-科尼-巴雷特。

to the Supreme Court. Take a look.

到最高法院。看看吧

-On this vote, the yeas are 52, the nays are 48.

-這次表決，52票贊成，48票反對。

The nomination of Amy Coney Barrett of Indiana

印第安納州Amy Coney Barrett的提名；

to be an associate justice of the Supreme Court

擔任最高法院副法官

of the United States is confirmed.

證實了美國的。

-Yeah, Republicans haven't moved that fast

-是啊，共和黨人還沒有那麼快的動作

since they saw A.O.C. in the hallway.

因為他們在走廊裡看到了A. O. C.

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Let's change gears. I heard about a Walmart

我們換個話題吧。我聽說了沃爾瑪的事

in Oklahoma that had to be evacuated

在俄克拉荷馬州，不得不撤離的

after an unexpected visitor walked in.

在一位不速之客走進來之後。

Watch this.

看這個。

-And an Edmond Walmart shuts down after a skunk

-一家埃德蒙德沃爾瑪因一隻臭鼬而關閉。

runs loose inside the store.

在店內亂跑。

Experts say the skunk was stuck in the shoe department.

專家說，臭鼬被卡在了鞋部。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-I never told anybody this, but for years,

-我從來沒有告訴過任何人，但多年來。

I toured in a country band named Walmart Skunk.

我在一個叫Walmart Skunk的鄉村樂隊裡巡演。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It was even more strange when a customer

更奇怪的是，當一個顧客

ran down the aisle like,

跑到過道上，像。

"Hubert, get back on your leash!"

"休伯特，回到你的皮帶上！"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

When the skunk walked past the Axe Body Spray aisle,

當臭鼬走過阿克塞身體噴霧的過道時。

it was like, "Ugh! What is that?"

它就像，"唉！那是什麼？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I wonder what could've attracted wild animals into a Walmart.

不知道是什麼原因能吸引野生動物進入沃爾瑪。

-KFC is bringing back it's collaboration with Walmart

-肯德基將恢復與沃爾瑪的合作。

to offer the fried-chicken scented fire log again.

以再次祭出炸雞香火木。

-Mmm.

-嗯

-If Trump gets re-elected, that'll be the smoke

-如果特朗普連任，那就會是煙霧了

that comes out of the White House chimney.

從白宮煙囪裡出來的。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I'm kidding. But that's what they light

我是開玩笑的但那是他們點的

at the Vatican when the Pope wants a 12-piece.

在梵蒂岡，當教皇想要一個12件。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

The KFC log sounds fun until your dog jumps onto the fire.

肯德基日誌聽起來很有趣，直到你的狗跳到火上。

-Aww! [ Laughter ]

-啊！[笑聲]

-I'm a little -- I'm a little classier myself.

-我有點... ... 我自己也比較有品位。

I prefer a Boston Market-scented fire log.

我更喜歡波士頓市場香味的火木。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

So...

所以...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

And finally, here's an update

最後，這裡有一個更新

to a story we told you about last week.

到我們上週告訴你的一個故事。

On Wednesday, NASA teased a big announcement

週三，NASA預告了一個重大消息

that they would be making about the Moon.

他們將對月球進行。

Well, here it is.

好了，在這裡，它是。

-NASA says they have found proof of water on the Moon.

-美國宇航局說他們已經找到了月球上有水的證據。

So, a pair of recent studies prove there are water molecules

所以，最近的一對研究證明了有水分子的存在

in the dirt and large ice patches in the shadows.

泥土中，陰影中的大冰塊。

-Actually, the big announcement

-事實上，重要的消息是

was just that NASA just added this sign.

只是美國宇航局剛剛加了這個標誌。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I'm excited. This means we're one step closer to Moon sharks.

我很興奮這意味著我們離月球鯊魚又近了一步。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

But this is great. Once the news broke,

不過這下可好了。消息一出。

Cardi B released a new song, "WAM."

Cardi B發佈了一首新歌 "WAM"。