I'M KRISTEN WELKER, AND IT IS THE HONOR OF A LIFETIME TO

MODERATE THE SECOND AND, PRAISE JESUS, FINAL PRESIDENTIAL

DEBATE. TONIGHT WE HAVE A MUTE BUTTON

BECAUSE IT WAS EITHER THAT OR TRANQUILIZER DARTS, AND THE

PRESIDENT HAS A VERY HIGH TOLERANCE FOR THOSE AFTER HIS

COVID TREATMENT. SO, PLEASE WELCOME PRESIDENT

DONALD TRUMP AND FORMER VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.

♪♪♪

GOOD EVENING GENTLEMAN, AND WELCOME TO THE DEBATE.

ARE WE READY TO BEGIN? >> YES, BUT FIRST, HOW DOES THIS

MUTE BUTTON WORK? DO I JUST HAUL OFF AND SLAP HIM

IN THE MOUTH? >> NO, MR. VICE PRESIDENT, WE'LL

TAKE CARE OF THAT ON OUR OWN. >> ARE YOU SURE?

BECAUSE I THINK EVERYBODY WOULD LOVE TO SEE ME DO IT.

>> OKAY, REALLY? THINK YOU'RE SOME TOUGH GUY

BECAUSE OF ALL THAT MONEY FROM CHINA?

>> AH AH AH. I'LL PUSH IT.

IT'S NOT CONNECTED TO ANYTHING, BUT I'LL PUSH IT.

OUR FIRST QUESTION ON THE CORONAVIRUS IS FOR PRESIDENT

TRUMP. MORE THAN 40,000 AMERICANS ARE

IN THE HOSPITAL TONIGHT WITH COVID.

HOW WOULD YOU LEAD THE COUNTRY DURING THE NEXT STAGE OF THIS

CRISIS? >> WHAT A NICE QUESTION.

THANK YOU, HODA. CAN I JUST SAY, YOU'RE REALLY

DOING A GREAT JOB. >> IT'S CREEPIER WHEN YOU'RE

NICE, BUT THANK YOU. >> NO REALLY, YOU'RE TAKING VERY

GOOD CARE OF US TONIGHT. NOW COULD YOU JUST TELL US THE

SPECIALS, PLEASE. >> MR. TRUMP, I'M THE MODERATOR.

I'M NOT YOUR WAITRESS. >> OKAY.

JUST SOME WATERS, PLEASE. CORONAVIRUS, SO BORING, RIGHT?

BUT WE'RE DOING TERRIFIC. WE'RE ROUNDING THE CORNER.

IN FACT WE'VE ROUNDED SO MANY CORNERS WE'VE GONE ALL THE WAY

AROUND THE BLOCK AND WE'RE BACK WHERE WE START IN MARCH.

>> COME ON, MAN, WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A THIRD WAVE.

WHERE I COME FROM IF A GIRL GAVE YOU A THIRD WAVE, YOU WERE

PRACTICALLY MARRIED. HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TIME

IT IS. IT'S HALF PAST COME ON, MAN.

>> NO, IT'S NOT A WAVE. IT'S NOT A WAVE.

A WAVE GOES LIKE THIS. AND THIS IS GOING LIKE THIS.

SURE, THERE'S BEEN A TINY CORONAVIRUS SPIKE IN FLORIDA AND

A TEENSY SPIKE IN ARIZONA. AND A TUNESY WUNSEY ONE IN NORTH

DAKOTA. A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS,

BUT WE HAVE ANOTHER DAKOTA SOMEWHERE.

>> JUST BREATHE, JOE. IF YOU DON'T BREATHE, YOU'LL

DIE. >>IN JUST A COUPLE OF WEEKS, IF

YOU VOTE FOR ME, THE VACCINE WILL BE HERE AND WILL BE

DISTRIBUTED BY THE MILITARY. >> I'M SORRY.

YOU SAID THE MILITARY WILL DISTRIBUTE THE VACCINE?

>> THAT'S RIGHT, THE ARMY WILL COME AND SHOOT IT WITH A CANNON

INTO YOUR FACE. LOOK, I HAD IT.

IT WAS VERY MEAN TO ME, BUT I BEAT IT AND NOW DOCTORS SAY I

CAN NEVER DIE. AND THE VIRUS SAID TO ME, SIR,

I HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR BODY NOW. AND THE VIRUS WAS CRYING.

VERY SAD. DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE MY BODY.

THE POINT IS, WE'RE ALL LEARNING TO DEAL WITH IT.

>> LEARNING TO LIVE WITH IT? WE'RE LEARNING TO DIE WITH IT,

MAN! ♪♪♪

>> LOOKS LIKE MR. BIDEN IS SO MAD HE'S EASTWOODING IT A LITTLE

BIT. >> THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW I BELIEVE THE LITTLE LADY ASKED YOU ABOUT A PLAN.

WHY DON'T YOU ENLIGHTEN US, PUNK?

>> I HAVE A PLAN. IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PLAN

YOU'VE EVER SEEN. >> YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A PLAN

FOR ME. FIRST I'M CREEPY.

THEN I'M SLEEPY. YOU SAY I HAVE DEMENTIA.

THEN YOU SAY I'M A CRIMINAL MASTER MIND.

WHICH ONE IS IT KIMO SABE. >> I CAN'T SHOW YOU BECAUSE IT'S

BEING AUDITED ALONG WITH MY TAXES,

WHICH I PREPAID JUST LIKE A DRUG DEALER'S PHONE.

I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY, EVEN THOUGH IT CAME FROM CHINA

ON A PLANE PILOTED BY NANCY PELOSI FULL OF MEXICANS.

SHOT DOWN ON HER WAY TO PEDO ISLAND.

>> COME ON, AMERICA. I HATE THE CURSE IN FRONT OF A

WOMAN, BUT THAT'S A BUNCH OF MALARKY.

>> THAT'S OUR FIRST MALARKY. IF YOU'RE PLAYING BIDEN BINGO AT

HOME, TAKE A SHOT. MR. PRESIDENT.

>> THANK YOU, PADMA. LOOK, PEOPLE LOVE HOW I'VE

HANDLED THE WU TANG VIRUS. IF HE WAS IN CHARGE WE'D ALL BE

IN OUR BASEMENTS AND THAT'S WHERE THE HAUNTED ANNABELLE DOLL

LIVES. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING

THAT'S A VERY SCARY DOLL. SHE'S SO SCARY.

SOME ARE SAYING THAT'S THE MOST SCARY DOLL.

AND THAT'S NOT COWARDLY. THAT'S JUST SMART, OKAY?

WE CAN'T SPEND ALL DAY IN THE BASEMENT.

WE'RE NOT ALL RICH LIKE JOE, WITH ALL THE MONEY YOU GOT FROM

CHINA. >> LOOK AT ME.

DO I LOOK REMOTELY RICH? IF I HAVE MONEY, WHERE AM I

SPENDING IT? I LIVE IN DELAWARE.

A NIGHT OUT IS $28. COME ON!

I BOUGHT THIS SUIT ON A TRAIN. COME ON!

IF I HAD $3 MILLION EXTRA WOULD I BE TAKING THE TRAIN TO WORK?

NO! I'D BE PULLING UP TO THE CAPITAL

DOME WITH A CANDY RED TRANS-AM AND KENNY LOGGINS PLAYING IN THE

BACK. NOT A RECORDING, THE REAL

KENNY LOGGINS. CAN I GET A COME ON?

>> COME ON! THAT IS FUN.

NOW, PRESIDENT TRUMP YOU SAID A VACCINE WOULD BE COMING WITHIN

WEEKS. IS THAT TRUE?

>> ANYTHING CAN BE WEEKS, OKAY? A MONTH IS FIVE WEEKS.

BUT A YEAR IS 36 OR SOMETHING. BUT I GUARANTEE THE VACCINE IS

COMING SOMEWHERE BETWEEN TWO AND 700 WEEKS.

OKAY? UNTIL THEN, WE HAVE TO WEAR THE

STUPID MASKS AND THE LITTLE GOGGLES.

AND WE'RE MAKING SO MANY VENTILATORS.

I DON'T WANT TO GET EVERYBODY EXCITED, BUT IF I GET ELECTED I

PROMISE EVERYONE IN AMERICA WILL BE ON A BIG BEAUTIFUL

VENTILATOR. >> GREAT.

THAT SEGUES TO HEALTHCARE IN A SCARY WAY.

VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN, WHAT IS YOUR PLAN IF OBAMACARE IS STRUCK

DOWN? >> I HAVE A PLAN.

IT'S CALLED BIDEN CARE. IT'S LIKE OBAMACARE BUT BIDEN.

IT MAY NOT TALK AS SMOOTH, IT MAY NEED A LITTLE BIT MORE

SUNSCREEN THAN THE PREVIOUS MELANIN RICH PLAN, BUT DAMN IT,

IT'S GOT HEART AND IT WORKS! >> MY PLAN IS PERFECT.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL PLAN.

>> SHOW US THE PLAN. >> THIS PLAN IS AN L.A. 10.

LARGE NATURALS, HIGH BOOTY, BAD ATTITUDE, BUT SHE CUTE.

>> NOT A PLAN. NOT A PLAN.

THAT'S A PLANLESS MAN. >> EXCUSE ME, I'D LOVE TO SHOW

YOU THE PLAN, BUT I CAN'T, BECAUSE IT'S UNDER AUDIT LIKE MY

TAXES. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME YOU CAN

TALK TO MY LAWYER, RUDY GIULIANI.

>> WHAT, HUH? NO, NO, IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS

LIKE. MY MICROPHONE WAS STUCK.

ON MY BALLS. IS THIS ANOTHER BORAT?

YOU GOT TELL ME IF IT'S A BORAT. >> YOU'RE IN TROUBLE NOW, BIDEN,

BECAUSE RUDY'S GOT A LOT OF SANE AND COHERENT INFORMATION THAT

LOOKS REALLY BAD FOR YOU JOE. >> TELL HIM, RUDY.

>> GET READY FOR THIS TRUTH BOMB.

YOUR SON HUNTER GOT $3 MILLION FROM MOSCOW, AND HIS FRIEND

TONY -- HAS EMAILS ON THE WET LAPTOP FROM HELL AND

OUR EYEWITNESS SAW EVERYTHING, AND ALSO, HE'S BLIND, SO --

>> SEE? EVEN HIS NASTY SON IS CORRUPT.

>> DON'T DO IT, JOE. DON'T RETALIATE, EVEN THOUGH HIS

KIDS ARE A BUNCH OF CHARITY-SCAMMERS.

>> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, WOULD YOU LIKE TO RESPOND?

>> NO. >> VERY WELL.

I'D LIKE TO MOVE ON TO RACE. >> THANK YOU, MINDY, I LOVE YOUR

PROJECT. >> I'M THE LEAST RACIST PERSON

IN THIS ROOM. I'VE DONE MORE FOR ANYBODY

EXCEPT LINCOLN. BLACK PEOPLE LOVE HIS CARS.

I SEE THEM DRIVING THEM ALL THE TIME.

SOMETIMES THERE'S WHITE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, BUT NOT ALWAYS.

THANK YOU. >> YOU THINK YOU'RE LINCOLN?

BECAUSE HIS NICKNAME HAS THE WORD HONEST IN IT.

>> AND MUTE. THAT IS ABOUT AS WELL AS THE

RACE SECTION COULD HAVE GONE. I SAVED 60 SECONDS FOR THE

CLIMATE. MR. VICE PRESIDENT?

>> SINCE WE'RE HERE AND ALMOST OUT OF TIME, OIL NO, WIND YES,

FRACKING, DEPENDS WHAT STATE I'M IN.

>> THIS GUY AND HIS WIND. HE LOVES WIND.

LOOK, I KNOW MORE ABOUT WIND THAN ANYONE.

WIND KILLS ALL THE BIRDS. CHOPS THEM RIGHT UP.

LIKE A MAGIC BULLET. IT TURNS THEM INTO BIRD

SOMETIMES IT GETS REAL FAST INTO A TWISTER AND THROWS A COW RIGHT

ON TOP OF HELEN HUNT. >> WOW, OKAY.

THANK YOU MR. PRESIDENT FOR SHARING YOUR POEM ABOUT WIND.

AT THIS POINT WE'VE COME TO OUR FINAL QUESTION, AND IT'S FOR

BOTH OF YOU. I WANT TO YOU IMAGINE YOUR

INAUGURATION DAY. WHAT WILL YOU SAY TO AMERICANS

WHO DIDN'T VOTE FOR YOU? >> WELL, IF THEY DIDN'T VOTE FOR

ME I GUESS I'D SAY HOLA. FOR THE REST I WOULD SAY, JUST

REMEMBER HOW GOOD THINGS USED TO BE BACK BEFORE THE CHINA PLAGUE.

WE HAD THE LOWEST UNEMPLOYMENT NUMBERS IN ALL CATEGORIES.

BLACKS, ASIANS, LATINXS, BRUNETTES, MILFS, LGBTQ ANON.

IN CONCLUSION, NEW YORK IS A GHOST TOWN.

KIDS LOVE CAGES AND JOE BIDEN IS FROM KENYA, THANK YOU.

>> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, YOUR TURN.

>> LOOK, EVERYBODY. YOU KNOW WHO HE IS AND YOU KNOW

WHO I AM. I'M GOOD OLD JOE.

I'M RELIABLE AS A ROCK. I'VE GOT A FIVE-STAR SAFETY

RATING AND I'M RANKED BEST MIDSIZE IN MY CLASS BY J.D.

POWER AND ASSOCIATES. I DON'T HAVE A GOLDEN TOILET

SEAT. I HAVE A SOFT, SPONGY ONE

THAT HISSES WHENEVER I PARK MY KEISTER.

I TAKE TRAINS AND I DON'T SEE ANY TRAINS IN SIGHT.

THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS MALARKY.

>> WITH THAT MALARKY, THAT'S BINGO AND I AM DRUNK.

GOOD LUCK, AMERICA. AND WITH THAT, LIVE FROM NEW

YORK. >> IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!