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  • >> THAT WAS THE WORST DEBATE I HAVE EVER SEEN.

  • PRESIDENT TRUMP INTERRUPTED OVER AND OVER.

  • >> THE PRESIDENT WAS CONSTANTLY INTERRUPTING.

  • >> CONSTANTLY INTERRUPTING.

  • >> HE DOESN'T WANT TO LET ME ANSWER BECAUSE HE KNOWS I HAVE

  • THE TRUTH.

  • HIS POSITION HAS BEEN TOTALLY, THOROUGHLY--

  • ( HORN BLOWING ) ( CHAINSAW REVVING )

  • ( BIRD SCREECHING ) >> ...BUT EVERYONE HAS

  • DISCREDITED-- AS A MATTER OF FACT--

  • ( SIREN ) --UNDER OATH.

  • >> MR. PRESIDENT-- >> YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT TWO

  • MILLION PEOPLE.

  • AND LET ME JUST TELL YOU, THERE WAS A STORY IN ONE OF THE

  • PAPERS-- >> PRESIDENT TRUMP, ARE YOU

  • WILLING TONIGHT TO CONDEMN WHITE SUPREMACISTS AND MILITIA GROUPS?

  • ( CRICKETS ) >> IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH"

  • STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • TONIGHT: SHUT UP, MAN!

  • PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES JOHN LITHGOW AND JONATHAN ALTER.

  • FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HOMEIN'.

  • AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE

  • BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!

  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I AM STILL RECOVERING FROM LAST

  • NIGHT'S AGONIZING PRESIDENTIAL SHOUT-FEST, IN WHICH DONALD

  • TRUMP INTERRUPTED JOE BIDEN OVER 70 TIMES WHILE CHRIS WALLACE

  • TRIED TO STOP HIM LIKE A BABY THROWING PENNIES AT A

  • BATTLESHIP.

  • TRUMP WAS OUT OF CONTROL THE ENTIRE EVENING.

  • THE WHOLE THING GAVE A NEW MEANING TO THE TERM "WHITE

  • NOISE."

  • BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT CHRIS WALLACE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO.

  • AT THE NEXT DEBATE, THEY SHOULD JUST GIVE THE MODERATOR A

  • BUTTON TO BRING ON THE SLIME.

  • I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO DESPISED LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE.

  • ACCORDING TO A CBS POLL, OF THE PEOPLE WHO WATCHED IT,

  • 69% FELT ANNOYED.

  • ANNOYED.

  • REALLY, EVIDENTLY, "GOUGING OUT MY EYES WITH A GRAPEFRUIT SPOON"

  • WAS NOT AN OPTION.

  • SURPRISINGLY, THE VERY SAME POLL FOUND THAT 17% OF DEBATE

  • WATCHERS CAME AWAY FEELING INFORMED.

  • REALLY?

  • 17% FELT INFORMED AFTER WATCHING THAT?

  • WHAT DID THEY LEARN?

  • I LEARNED THAT WHEN THEY GO LOW, THEY CAN ACTUALLY GO MUCH

  • LOWER.

  • A CNN POLL ALSO FOUND THAT SIX IN 10 SAY BIDEN WON THE DEBATE.

  • WON?

  • I TAKE EXCEPTION TO THAT.

  • THERE ARE NO WINNERS HERE, EXCEPT FOR ARIS, THE TRICKSTER

  • GOD OF CHAOS.

  • A WINNER IMPLIES A CONTEST WHERE THE PARTIES FOLLOW AGREED-UPON

  • RULES TO REACH A SPECIFIC GOAL.

  • THIS WAS MORE LIKE WATCHING A BASKETBALL GAME WHERE THE FINAL

  • SCORE WAS "THE BEAUTIFUL FLAMES.

  • THEY TALK TO ME UPON ONE THING THAT EXPERTS AGREE ON

  • IS DEBATES DON'T REALLY CHANGE ANYTHING.

  • SO NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE, AND WE HAVE TO DO THIS TWO MORE

  • TIMES!

  • YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS DOING

  • THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND EXPECTING DONALD TRUMP

  • TO SHUT UP.

  • IT'S HARD TO WATCH ANY OF THIS AND BELIEVE ANYONE COULD STILL

  • BE OUT THERE UNDECIDED, BUT THEY EVIDENTLY ARE.

  • AND LAST NIGHT, THERE WAS A FOCUS GROUP OF THESE MENTALLY

  • IMPAIRED UNICORNS ORGANIZED BY REPUBLICAN POLLSTER AND GUY

  • DRUNK DIALING BATMAN, FRANK LUNTZ.

  • LUNTZ-- HI, FRANK!

  • GATHERED 15 UNDECIDEDS TO RESPOND TO THE DEBATE OVER ZOOM.

  • OH, PLEASE, PLEASE CAN WE DO THE NEXT DEBATE OVER ZOOM?

  • ( AS MODERATOR ) "MR. PRESIDENT, I'M PUTTING YOU

  • ON MUTE.

  • NO, DON'T SHARE YOUR SCREEN!

  • YOUR TABS AREN'T SAFE FOR WORK!" AND LUNTZ ASKED THEM THIS

  • QUESTION: >> MICHELLE, WORD OR PHRASE TO

  • DESCRIBE DONALD TRUMP TONIGHT?

  • >> HORRID.

  • >> SARAH?

  • >> CHAOTIC.

  • >> ROB?

  • >> UNPOLISHED.

  • >> RUTHY?

  • >> CRACKHEAD.

  • >> Stephen: CRACKHEAD.

  • HOW DARE YOU MALIGN THE GOOD NAME OF CRACKHEADS.

  • UNLIKE DONALD TRUMP, CRACKHEADS HAVE A CLEAR POLICY: GIVE ME

  • SOME CRACK.

  • ONE FOCUS GROUP MEMBER OFFERED THIS:

  • ( SCREAMING ) >> Stephen: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO

  • USE THE DIAL, MERRILL.

  • JUST USE THE DIAL.

  • BUT DESPITE THEIR HARSH WORDS ABOUT TRUMP, THE VOTERS STILL

  • COULDN'T MAKE UP THEIR MINDS POST-DEBATE, LIKE JENNIFER FROM

  • PENNSYLVANIA, WHO SAID THIS: >> OH, I AM DEFINITELY

  • UNDECIDED.

  • I HAVE NO CLUE WHO I'M GOING TO VOTE TO-- FOR.

  • I DON'T KNOW WHO'S GOING TO GET MY VOTE.

  • I WANT TO SEE ANOTHER DEBATE.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT?

  • AT THIS POINT, I TRULY DO NOT KNOW WHAT COULD SWAY UNDECIDED

  • VOTERS.

  • "WELL, THE ONE GUY MAKES ME EMBARRASSED TO LIVE IN MY

  • COUNTRY.

  • BUT THE OTHER GUY IS SLEEPY, ACCORDING TO THE FIRST GUY WHO,

  • AGAIN, IS A TOTAL PSYCHOPATH.

  • SO, IT'S A COIN TOSS."

  • JENNIFER WASN'T ALONE.

  • ROB FROM IOWA SAID THIS: >> THAT WAS EMBARRASSING.

  • PERSONALLY, IT'S A DARTBOARD FOR ME RIGHT NOW,

  • WHO'S GONNA WIN IT.

  • >> Stephen: REALLY?

  • BECAUSE WATCHING TRUMP, MY REACTION WAS LESS DARTBOARD AND

  • MORE TRANQ DART: >> THE ONLY THING I HAVEN'T DONE

  • A GOOD JOB, AND IT'S BECAUSE OF THE FAKE NEWS.

  • >> IT'S JUST FAKE NEWS.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S FINE.

  • THEY'RE GOING TO PUT AN EAR TAG ON HIM AND RELEASE HIM BACK INTO

  • THE WILD.

  • HE'S GOT A VERY HIGH THRESHOLD FOR PAIN.

  • ONE FOCUS GROUP MEMBER DID STAND OUT FROM THE REST BY DELIVERING

  • A CLEAR, CONCISE OPINION OF THE PRESIDENT.

  • HERE'S LUKE FROM WISCONSIN: >> TRUMP IS ANNOYING.

  • HE'S UNPRESIDENTIAL.

  • HE'S ANNOYING.

  • AND IT'S LIKE NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD.

  • >> Stephen: YES, FINALLY!

  • THANK YOU, LUKE.

  • YOU'RE LIVING PROOF THAT UNDECIDED VOTERS ARE CAPABLE OF

  • SEEING THE LIGHT AND-- >> BUT HIM ACTING THAT WAY

  • DOESN'T NECESSARILY IMPACT MY BOTTOM LINE.

  • >> Stephen: UH, MERYL, IF YOU DON'T MIND?

  • ( SCREAMING ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU.

  • BUT THE MOST HORRIFYING MOMENT OF THIS-- OR REALLY ANY DEBATE--

  • WAS WHEN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES DID NOT CONDEMN

  • WHITE SUPREMACY.

  • >> ARE YOU WILLING TONIGHT TO CONDEMN WHITE SUPREMACISTS

  • AND MILITIA GROUPS-- >> SURE.

  • I'M WILLING TO DO ANYTHING.

  • I WANT TO SEE PEACE-- >> THEN DO IT, SIR.

  • >> DO IT.

  • SAY IT.

  • >> YOU WANNA CALL THEM?

  • WHAT DO YOU WANNA CALL THEM?

  • GIVE ME A NAME.

  • GIE ME A NAME.

  • >> WHITE SUPREMICISTS AND RIGHT WING MILITIA.

  • >> PROUD BOYS, STAND BACK AND STAND BY.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT DENOUNCING.

  • THAT'S TROUBLING.

  • IT'S LIKE WHEN THE DEBATE MODERATOR ASKED NIXON TO

  • DENOUNCE PSYCHOTIC THRILL-KILL CULTS, AND HE SAID:

  • MANSON FAMILY, STAND BACK AND STAND BY.

  • HAVE YOU SEEN THE LITTLE PIGGIES CRAWLING IN THE DIRT?

  • HELTER SKELTER.

  • HELTER SKELTER!" HE SAID THAT.

  • I LEGALLY COULD NOT MAKE THAT JOKE UNLESS HE ACTUALLY SAID

  • THAT.

  • IF I'M WRONG, MR. NIXON, CALL ME.

  • THE PROUD BOYS HEARD TRUMP'S MESSAGE LOUD AND CLEAR, BECAUSE

  • WITHIN MINUTES, GROUP MEMBERS CALLED THE PRESIDENT'S

  • COMMENT A TACIT ENDORSEMENT OF THEIR VIOLENT TACTICS.

  • NOW, THAT'S JUST NOT FAIR.

  • THERE WAS NOTHING TACIT ABOUT IT.

  • THAT'S LIKE SAYING CARDI B OFFERED A TACIT ENDORSEMENT OF

  • NATURAL LUBRICATION.

  • THE PRESIDENT'S CHOICE OF WORDS WAS SO INSPIRING TO THESE RACIST

  • NUMBSKULLS THAT TODAY, THE PROUD BOYS STARTED SELLING MERCH WITH

  • THEIR NEW CATCHPHRASE.

  • A GOOD INDICATION THAT YOU DIDN'T PROPERLY DENOUNCE SOMEONE

  • IS WHEN THEY MAKE YOUR DENOUNCIATION THEIR NEW SLOGAN.

  • THAT'S WHY JOE McCARTHY NEVER WORE A T-SHIRT THAT SAID, "AT

  • LONG LAST, SIR, HAVE YOU NO DECENCY?"

  • NOW THIS IS A WEIRD LITTLE DETAIL.

  • THE PROUD BOYS NAME IS A REFERENCE TO A SONG FROM THE

  • STAGED MUSICAL VERSION OF THE DISNEY FILM "ALADDIN."

  • IT'S AN OBSCURE REFERENCE TO BROADWAY.

  • BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT YOU EXPECT FROM TOXIC RIGHT-WING ALPHA

  • MALES: SHOW TUNES!

  • "FOSSE, FOSSE, GOOSE STEP, FOSSE, FOSSE, SHOOT."

  • THE GROUP HAS STAUNCH RIGHT-WING BELIEFS, INCLUDING

  • "VENERATING THE HOUSEWIFE."

  • LISTEN, I HOPE THEY HAVE GOOD LAWYERS, BECAUSE THAT'S ALSO THE

  • NAME OF ANDY CONE'S NEW BRAVO SHOW!

  • MOST ALARMINGLY, THEIR PLATFORM ALSO INCLUDES A PLEDGE TO REFUSE

  • TO MASTURBATE.

  • WHICH IS ODD BECAUSE THEIR WHITE POWER HAND GESTURES LOOK LIKE

  • THEY'RE READY TO, LET'S SAY, FLOG THE FUROR AT ANY MOMENT.

  • WHERE DID THEY RECRUIT THESE YOUNG MEN?

  • ( AS MOM ) ( KNOCKING )

  • "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE, JOHNNY?"

  • ( AS TEEN ) "NOTHING.

  • GOD, JUST PLANNING A RACE WAR!" AND WHAT DO THEY MEAN, "REFUSE"?

  • WHO'S OUT THERE DEMANDING THAT THEY MASTURBATE?

  • ( AS PROUD BOY ) "ALL THESE SOCIALIST FEMINISTS

  • WITH THEIR YOGA PANTS AND SPORTS BRAS WANT ME TO HAMMER MY OWN

  • SICKLE!

  • OOH, THEY WOULD LOVE ME TO SEIZE MY OWN MEANS OF PRODUCTION!

  • NOT TODAY, COMRADE!" NO, DOWN, DOWN!

  • THE SOUTHERN POVERTY LAW CENTER DESCRIBES THE PROUD BOYS AS A

  • FIGHT CLUB FRATERNITY OF YOUNG WHITE, PRO-TRUMP MEN.

  • MIGHT SEEM LIKE AN ODD COMPARISON, BUT REMEMBER THIS

  • SCENE FROM THE MOVIE: >> THE FIRST RULE OF

  • FIGHT CLUB IS DON'T MASTURBATE!

  • THE SECOND RULE OF FIGHT CLUB IS DON'T MASTURBATE!

  • >> Stephen: SPEAKING OF WANKERS; DONALD TRUMP.

  • THE PRESIDENT APPARENTLY DIDN'T GET HIS FILL OF SCREAMING INTO A

  • CAMERA LAST NIGHT, SO HE HELPED HIMSELF TO SOME LEFTOVER

  • RAGE IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF: >> CHOPPER TALK!

  • >> Stephen: WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE SOMEBODY IN THE WHITE HOUSE

  • STARTED LOOKING AT THE NUMBERS AND REALIZED THAT "SIDING WITH A

  • VIOLENT HATE GROUP" DOESN'T POLL WELL WITH SUBURBAN WOMEN,

  • BECAUSE TODAY, TRUMP SAID THIS: >> I DON'T KNOW WHO THE PROUD

  • BOYS ARE.

  • I MEAN, YOU'LL HAVE TO GIVE ME A DEFINITION, BECAUSE I REALLY

  • DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I DON'T KNOW ANY PROUD BOYS.

  • MY BOYS ERIC AND DON JUNIOR ARE ASHAMED BOYS.

  • AND THEY SHOULD BE.

  • IF THEY WERE JUST BORN GIRLS, I COULD HAVE HAD TWO MORE

  • IVANKAS!" NOW, HE CONTINUED BY SAYING THE

  • PEOPLE WHO HE DOESN'T KNOW SHOULD STOP DOING ANY OF THE

  • THINGS HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT ANY OF THEM DOING.

  • >> AGAIN, I DON'T KNOW WHO PROUD BOYS ARE.

  • BUT WHOEVER THEY ARE, THEY HAVE TO STAND DOWN, LET LAW

  • ENFORCEMENT DO THEIR WORK.

  • >> Stephen: NOTICE HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY DENOUNCE THE PROUD

  • BOYS.

  • SO HIS WALK-BACK STILL HAD A HINT OF GOOSE STEP.

  • WHILE TRUMP RAMBLED ABOUT NEW YORK, ONE REPORTER GAVE HIM ONE

  • MORE CHANCE TO CLEARLY AND DEFINITIVELY DENOUNCE WHITE

  • SUPREMACY.

  • AND HE CLEARLY AND DEFINITIVELY TOOK A PASS.

  • >> THEY SHOULD STOP DEFUNDING POLICE LIKE THEY HAVE DONE IN

  • NEW YORK-- >> BUT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT WHITE

  • SUPREMACISTS, SIR.

  • >> --LIKE THEY'VE DONE IN NEW YORK.

  • I JUST TOLD YOU.

  • >> BUT DO YOU DENOUNCE THEM?

  • DO YOU DENOUNCE-- >> I'VE ALWAYS DENOUNCED ANY

  • FORM-- >> --OF WHITE SUPREMACY?

  • >> ANY FORM-- ANY FORM OF ANY OF THAT, YOU HAVE TO DENOUNCE.

  • >> Stephen: DIDN'T SAY IT AGAIN!

  • ( AS LADY ) "DONALD, DO YOU LOVE ME?"

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "YOU GOTTA LOVE-- AND LOVE IS--

  • YOU GOTTA DO IT.

  • I'VE ALWAYS SAID I LOVE LOVING, IN ANY FORM."

  • BUT AGAIN, HE TRIED A VARIATION ON THE VERY FINE PEOPLE ON BOTH

  • SIDES THING.

  • >> BUT I ALSO-- JOE BIDEN HAS TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT ANTIFA.

  • IT'S NOT A PHILOSOPHY.

  • THESE ARE PEOPLE THAT HIT PEOPLE OVER THE HEAD.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "THESE PEOPLE ARE HEAD BOPPERS,

  • LITTLE BUNNY ANTI-FOO RUNNING THROUGH THE FOREST, PICKIN'

  • UP THE PROUD BOYS, AND BOPPIN' 'EM ON THE HEAD."

  • WITH TUNA CANS.

  • STILL, TRUMP FEELS GOOD ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE, BECAUSE,

  • UH, RATINGS?

  • >> I THOUGHT THE DEBATE LAST NIGHT WAS GREAT.

  • WE'VE GOTTEN TREMENDOUS REVIEWS ON IT.

  • I THOUGHT IT WAS A GREAT EVENING.

  • IT WAS AN EXCITING EVENING, I SEE THE RATINGS WERE VERY

  • HIGH.

  • >> Stephen: JUST BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE WATCH SOMETHING

  • DOESN'T MEAN SOMETHING IS GOOD.

  • I HEAR PUBLIC EXECUTIONS WERE QUITE POPULAR IN THEIR DAY.

  • THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE SHOULD HAVE A TV SHOW CALLED "SO YOU THINK

  • YOU CAN HAVE A HEAD."

  • AND FOR THE RECORD, HE'S LYING.

  • THE RATINGS FOR THE DEBATE WERE SHARPLY DOWN.

  • THAT'S SUCH AN EASILY CHECKABLE LIE AND HE JUST DOESN'T CARE.

  • IT'S LIKE WE'RE IN THAT GEORGE ORWELL NOVEL, YOU KNOW

  • THE ONE WITH THE PIGS THAT STOOD ON THEIR HIND LEGS?

  • BECAUSE IT'S 2020, THE BELOW-THE-FOLD STORY TODAY IS

  • THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES COMMITTING MASSIVE TAX

  • FRAUD AND RAIDING THE TREASURY OF THE UNITED STATES TO KEEP HIS

  • FAILED BUSINESS EMPIRE AFLOAT.

  • ALL WEEK, "THE NEW YORK TIMES" HAS BEEN REPORTING ON TRUMP'S

  • TAXES FROM THE LAST 20 YEARS.

  • ON MONDAY, WE FOUND OUT THAT IN THE TWO YEARS BEFORE "THE

  • APPRENTICE" DEBUTED, "TRUMP'S SIDE INCOME WAS MOSTLY CONFINED

  • TO $500,000 FOR APPEARING IN THE BIG N' TASTY BURGER AD.

  • I CAN'T BELIEVE McDONALDS PAID HIM HALF A MILLION DOLLARS.

  • DON'T THEY KNOW THEY COULD HAVE JUST GIVEN HIM RHW BURGERS?

  • AND TRUMP MAY HAVE GOTTEN MORE THAN MONEY FROM THE DEAL.

  • TAKE A LOOK AT THE AD: >> IT'S AMAZING-- A BIG AND

  • TASTY FOR JUST A DOLLAR?

  • HOW DO YOU DO IT?

  • WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?

  • >> I DON'T PAY ANY FEDERAL TAXES.

  • HUHHUH!

  • >> Stephen: TRUMP ALSO RECEIVED "$50,000 FROM THE LIFETIME

  • CHANNEL FOR A 'JUICY NIGHTTIME SOAP' THAT NEVER

  • MATERIALIZED."

  • OOOH, A TRUMP SOAP OPERA!

  • WE COULD'VE HAD: "THE DAYS OF OUR WIVES."

  • "AS THE WORLD BURNS," AND "ALL OF MY CHILDREN...

  • THAT I KNOW OF."

  • AND NOW, A NEW LAYER HAS BEEN ADDED TO THE TURDWICH, BECAUSE

  • WHILE HIS BUSINESSES WERE ALL FAILING, "TRUMP REPORTEDLY

  • MADE TENS OF MILLIONS DURING THE GREAT RECESSION BY PARTNERING

  • WITH MULTILEVEL MARKETING COMPANIES."

  • NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW, MULTILEVEL MARKETING IS A

  • SKETCHY BUSINESS MODEL WHERE YOU ROPE IN PEOPLE TO SELL A

  • PRODUCT, THEN THEY ALSO ROPE IN OTHERS TO WORK FOR THEM, AND ALL

  • THE MONEY FLOWS UP TO THE TOP.

  • AND IF YOU STILL DON'T GET IT, COME OVER THIS WEEKEND.

  • I HAVE A FANTASTIC BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY I THINK YOU'D BE

  • PERFECT FOR.

  • HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF "HERBALAX DRINKABLE ALGAE COLONIC

  • SUPPLEMENTS?" IT'S GOING TO BE HUGE.

  • NOW, IN HIS BIGGEST PYRAMID SCHEME, WORTH $8 MILLION, TRUMP

  • "TEAMED UP WITH A MULTILEVEL MARKETING COMPANY, ACN, WHOSE

  • CLIENTS WERE TOLD THEY COULD MAKE A LIVING FROM HOME BY

  • SELLING VIDEO PHONES."

  • AND ACN WAS SUCH A SCAM THAT, ON THEIR OWN WEBSITE, THEY POSTED A

  • PAGE TITLED "THE DIFFERENCE IN ACN AND A PYRAMID SCHEME."

  • IF YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT, I THINK YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM.

  • "I BROUGHT THIS CHART EXPLAINING THAT I DON'T HAVE A COCAINE

  • "ADDICTION."

  • IT'S MORE OF A MULTI-LEVEL COCAINE OPPORTUNITY.

  • AND I THINK YOU'RE THE KIND OF SMART INVESTOR WHO HAS WHAT IT

  • TAKES TO BLOW THINGS UP MY NOSE."

  • WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • MY GUESTS ARE JOHN LITHGOW AND AUTHOR JONATHAN ALTER.

  • BUT WHEN WE RETURN, SENATE REPUBLICANS ARE RUNNING SCARED.

  • STICK AROUND.

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  • (music)

  • ♪♪

  • LIKE A SUPERPOWER,

  • BRINGING HOPE TO YOUR DESPAIR

  • IN YOUR DARKEST HOUR,

  • RIGHT AWAY RED CROSS IS THERE

  • TO HONOR THE WORDS WE'VE SAID

  • AND THE CROSS WE WEAR IS RED

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,

  • WELCOME BACK.

  • LET'S SAY HI TO JON BATISTE.

  • HELLO, JON!

  • >> Jon: HELLO, STEPHEN.

  • WHAT'S THE WORD.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE WORD, THUNDER?

  • YOU'RE NOT OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT AD.

  • I'M NOT OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT AD.

  • THUNDERBIRD WINE.

  • >> Jon: OH, NO, I LIKE THAT.

  • I LIKE THAT, WHAT'S THE WORD, THUNDERBIRD.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE PRICE 30 FOR A FULL QUART.

  • THAT'S THE DEAL RIGHT THERE.

  • >> Jon: TALK ABOUT THAT FRED SANFORD USED TO TALK ABOUT.

  • >> Stephen: SHAM.

  • ILE.

  • CHAMPAGNE AND RIPPLE.

  • CHAM-PIPPLE.

  • YOU'RE-- YOU'RE-- YOU'RE SUCH A CHOIR BOY.

  • YOU DON'T DRINK.

  • YOU DON'T SMOKE.

  • IT'S JUST YOU, THE PIANO, AND THE LORD ALL THE TIME.

  • I ADMIRE THAT.

  • >> Jon: YEAH, I WISH, I MEAN, SOMETHING ABOUT THE PIANO, WHEN

  • YOU PLAY-- I WAS JUST PLAYING SOME OF THIS...

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ YOU GET HIGH OFF THAT.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH.

  • WHAT IS THAT?

  • >> Jon: THAT'S PHILLIP GLASS "OPENING."

  • >> Stephen: WHAT IS THAT?

  • >> Jon: THAT'S FROM HIS VERY FIRST SOLO PIANO RECORD.

  • IT WAS JUST HIS "PIANO WORKS," IT WAS CALLED.

  • >> Stephen: JON, BEFORE WE GO ON WITH THE SHOW, DID YOU HAVE

  • ANY AVANITY GUARD PIANO TO SHARE WITH US?

  • ( LAUGHS ).

  • >> Jon: YEAH, OF COURSE, ALWAYS.

  • LET'S SEE.

  • >> Stephen: PLEASE.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: ALWAYS A PLEASANT

  • RESOLUTION.

  • THANK YOU, JON.

  • ( LAUGHS ) JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

  • >> Jon: YES, INDEED.

  • >> Stephen: FOLKS, IN LESS THAN FIVE WEEKS, WE'RE HAVING WHAT

  • MANY ARE CALLING THE MOST ELECTION OF OUR LIFETIME.

  • BUT THERE'S MORE AT STAKE HERE THAN JUST GETTING RID OF DONALD

  • TRUMP.

  • THERE'S ALSO WINNING BACK THE SENATE AND GETTING RID OF

  • SENATE MAJORITY LEADER AND FIVE POUNDS OF FACE IN A THREE-POUND

  • MASK, MITCH McCONNELL.

  • IF THE DEMOCRATS PICK UP FOUR SENATE SEATS, LOOKS LIKE

  • McCONNELL WILL BE A BACK-BENCHER.

  • THANKS TO TRUMP SHANKING THE PANDEMIC, REPUBLICANS ARE

  • STRUGGLING IN A LOT OF RED STATES RACES.

  • TAKE SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM, SEEN HERE

  • STUFFING THE LIES BACK IN.

  • IN 2016, MY HOME STATE WENT TO DONALD TRUMP BY ALMOST 15

  • POINTS, BUT THE LATEST POLLS OUT OF THE PALMETTO STATE HAVE

  • "GRAHAM VIRTUALLY TIED WITH HIS DEMOCRATIC CHALLENGER, JAIME

  • HARRISON."

  • A HARRISON WIN WOULD BE AMAZING.

  • IF LINDSEY GRAHAM GETS THROWN OUT, SOUTH CAROLINA WON'T HAVE

  • ANYTHING LEFT TO EMBARRASS IT, OTHER THAN ADULT MEN WEARING

  • MADRAS.

  • A BIG REASON GRAHAM IS ON THE ROPES IS THE CASH, THE GREEN

  • STUFF.

  • HARRISON IS PULLING IN MASSIVE DONATIONS, SO NOW A TEARFUL

  • GRAHAM HAS BEEN HITTING FOX NEWS TO PASS THE HAT.

  • >> IF YOU WANT TO HELP ME AND OTHER REPUBLICANS, GET IN THE

  • GAME.

  • THEY ARE KILLING US FINANCIALLY.

  • MY OPPONENT IS GOING TO RAISE $80 MILLION.

  • I NEED CONSERVATIVES TO HELP ME.

  • YOU NEED TO HELP US ALL.

  • I'M BEING OUTSPENT FOUR TO ONE, OUTRAISED FIVE TO ONE.

  • I NEED SOME HELP.

  • HELP ME.

  • THEY'RE KILLING ME MONEYWISE.

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  • (music)

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

  • MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A TONY AND EMMY AWARD-WINNING ACTOR YOU

  • KNOW FROM "BOMBSHELL," "THE CROWN," "TERMS OF ENDEARMENT,"

  • AND JUST SO MUCH MORE.

  • PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW" MY FRIEND AND YOURS, JOHN

  • LITHGOW.

  • >> IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S ALWAYS LOVELY TO SEE YOU.

  • SOME GUESTS ARE LIKE A VACATION.

  • THERE'S NO EFFORT.

  • IT'S JUST SITTING DOWN AND CHATTING WITH SOMEONE.

  • THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

  • >> BUT I WANT YOU ON YOUR GAME.

  • >> Stephen: SORRY, LET ME GET A LITTLE COFFEE.

  • PROFESSIONAL SHOW BUSINESS RIGHT NOW.

  • BEFORE-- BEFORE WE GET ANY FURTHER, AS I SAID IN YOUR

  • INTRO, I NAMED THREE WONDERFUL THINGS THAT YOU HAD DONE AT

  • RANDOM.

  • YOU HAVE SO MANY THINGS ON YOUR C.V. TO PICK FROM.

  • WHAT WOULD YOU PICK FOR YOUR INTRO?

  • WHAT WORKS OF YOURS-- WHAT ROLES YOU'VE PLAYED, WHAT SHOWS YOU'VE

  • BEEN IN WOULD YOU SAY, "THOSE ARE THE DEFINITIVE LITHGOW

  • ROLES?

  • >> YOU KNOW, I WOULD HAVE TO SAY THAT MY PERFORMANCE OF THE

  • CAMPAIGN PRESS RELEASE OF NEWT GINGRICH ON "THE COLBERT REPORT"

  • SOME YEARS AGO.

  • THAT WOULD HAVE TO BE MY FINEST PERFORMANCE EVER.

  • REMEMBER THAT NIGHT?

  • >> Stephen: I URGE EVERYONE TO GO TO WHATEVER WEB SITE THEY'VE

  • STORED THAT STUFF ON THESE DAYS, AND FIND IT.

  • LITHGOW-GINGRICH.

  • TRULY.

  • >> IT HOLDS UP.

  • IT HOLDS UP.

  • AND I'M STOPPED THREE, FOUR TIMES ON EVERY BLOCK RECALLING

  • THAT PERFORMANCE.

  • >> Stephen: WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS?

  • SO THAT'S WHAT YOU WOULD PICK, AND I DON'T BLAME YOU.

  • WHAT DO PEOPLE-- LIKE, WHEN PEOPLE WALK DOWN THE STREET AND

  • YOU REALIZE OH, THEY RECOGNIZE YOU AND YOU KNOW THEY'RE ABOUT

  • TO COME OVER TO YOU AND SAY I LOVE "X," "Y," OR "Z" WHAT

  • YOU'VE DONE.

  • WHAT DO THEY USUALLY PICK?

  • >> YOU KNOW, IT'S USUALLY THE MOST RECENT.

  • RECENTLY IT'S BEEN A LOT OF "THE CROWN," AND "BOMBSHELL."

  • "THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN" AND "DEXTER."

  • IF SOMEONE COMES UP TO ME WITH A HAMMER AND WANTS ME TO AUTOGRAPH

  • IT, I KNOW THEY'RE BIG "DEXTER" FANS.

  • >> Stephen: YOU KNOW TO GET AWAY QUICKLY.

  • >> NO, I DUTIFULLY SIGN.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.

  • >> THERE ARE A LOT OF AUTOGRAPHED HAMMERS OUT THERE.

  • >> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND-- AND I WAS-- THIS IS ACTUALLY KIND OF

  • A NICE-- NICE THING IS THAT I FOUND OUT THAT YOU'RE MISTAKEN

  • FOR ANOTHER GREAT PERFORMER SOMETIMES.

  • WHO IS THAT?

  • >> YOU KNOW, YES.

  • DON CLEASE.

  • I WISH I HAD A NICKEL FOR EVERY TIME.

  • AND JON APPEARED ON "THIRD ROCK FROM THE SON" WITH US, AS MY

  • DOPPELGANGER.

  • SO IT HAPPENS.

  • THAT'S EXPLAINABLE.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S A COMPLIMENT.

  • >> WHEN THEY ASK FOR MY AUTOGRAPH, I DUTIFULLY SIGN.

  • >> Stephen: YOU SIGN JOHN CLEASE?

  • >> YOU KNOW, WHAT ELSE AM I GOING TO SIGN, STEPHEN.

  • >> Stephen: TO YOU AFFECT A BRITISH ACCENT FOR THIS?

  • >> NO, IF I HAVE TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING, IT PROLONGS THE

  • INTERACTION.

  • SO-- ANYWAY, I'M A HUGE FAN OF JOHN CLEASE.

  • SO I TAKE IT AS AN ENORMOUS COMPLIMENT.

  • >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, I WANT TO HAVE DIFFERENT WITH YOU,

  • LITHGOW.

  • WE'VE GOT TO HAVE DINNER.

  • WE'VE TALKED ABOUT IT FOR MANY YEARS.

  • >> WE HAVE.

  • >> Stephen: MY WIFE AND YOUR WIFE AND ALL GO TO DINNER.

  • I HAD DINNER WITH CLEASE, RCENTLY.

  • >> DID YOU.

  • >> Stephen: IT WAS A HUGE THRILL FOR ME.

  • A LOVELY GUY.

  • H BOUGHT A VERY EXPENSIVE BOTTLE OF WHITE WINE, AND IT WAS

  • VERY LOVELY, AND NOW I HAVE TO COMPARE DINNER.

  • I HAVE TO COMPARE MY CLEASES.

  • >> YOU MIGHT GET CONFUSED.

  • WE'RE OFTEN MISTAKEN FOR EACH OTHER.

  • >> Stephen: YOU HAVE A NEW BOOK HERE.

  • "TRUMPTY DUMPTY WANTED A CROWN."

  • VERSES FOR A DESPOTIC AGE.

  • IT CAME OUT YESTERDAY.

  • YOU WROTE IT AND ILLUSTRATED.

  • WHEN DID YOU FIRST START WRITING POETRY?

  • >> OH, I-- AS A MATTER OF FACT, I-- BY AN AMAZING COINCIDENCE,

  • JUST LIKE A WEEK OR TWO AGO, LIKE, A BEST FRIEND OF MY OLDER

  • SISTER, TWO YEARS OLDER THAN I, A WOMAN NAMED JESSICA ANDREWS.

  • SHE SENT ME, AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, A PHOTOCOPY OF A PAGE

  • FROM HER AUTOGRAPH BOOK FROM 1955, WHICH I HAD SIGNED FOR

  • HER.

  • AND JUST FOR THE OCCASION -- >> Stephen: SHE KNEW-- SHE

  • KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO BE SO GREAT BACK THEN SHE ASKED YOU TO

  • SIGN HER AUTOGRAPH BOOK.

  • >> SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO.

  • >> Stephen: DID YOU SIGN IT JOHN CLEASE?

  • >> YOU KNOW, I DNGT THINK OF IT AT THE TIME.

  • I WAS NINE YEARS OLD.

  • I WROTE, "JESSICA, COKE AND BOTTLES, JELLY AND JARS, FACES

  • LIKE YOURS COME FROM MARS.

  • JOHN LITHGOW."

  • TURNS OUT, THIS WAS THE BEGINNING OF MY CAREER AS A

  • POEET.

  • THIS IS A CLASSIC DOCUMENT.

  • >> Stephen: NICELY DONE.

  • THAT'S A COLLECTOR'S ITEM.

  • >> AND NOT A BAD POEM, I MIGHT ADD.

  • >> Stephen: NOT AT ALL.

  • NOW, YOU-- YOU DID SOMETHING THAT VERY FEW AUTHORS DO.

  • I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE BROUGHT A CLIP OF YOUR BOOK.

  • AND I'M NOT SURE HOW THAT WORKS.

  • >> YES.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE A CLIP OF THE BOOK?

  • >> YOU KNOW, NOT MANY AUTHORS HAVE A CLIP OF THEIR BOOK, BUT

  • THIS IS THE COVID ERA.

  • YOU CAN'T DO A BOOK TOUR.

  • SO I-- A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO, I THOUGHT OF A BRIGHT IDEA.

  • I CALLED ON MY DIRECTOR FRIEND TIM VAN PATTEN.

  • HE-- HE CALLED UP THESE THREE BRILLIANT YOUNG GUYS HE WORKS

  • WITH AND CREATED SOMETHING CALLED TRYPTIC STUDIO.

  • I CALLED UP 19 OF MY ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIC ACTOR FRIENDS, AND A

  • COUPLE OF POLITICO JOURNALISTS, TOO, EVEN AN EPIDEMIOLOGIST.

  • I ASKED THEM TO RECORD A SINGLE POEM OF MINE, JUST AS WE'RE

  • RECORDING NOW, IN THEIR LIVING ROOM, ON THEIR iPHONE, AND

  • SEND THEM IN TO THESE CRYPTIC STUDIO GUYS.

  • AMONG ALL OF US WE HAVE SPUN TOGETHER 21 LITTLE TWO-MINUTE

  • VIDEOS OF MY POEMS, INCLUDING MY ILLUSTRATIONS BROUGHT TO LIFE

  • WITH VERY SIMPLE ANIMATION.

  • AND WE'RE ROLLING THEM OUT, LIKE, ONCE EVERY FOUR, FIVE

  • DAYS.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE CLIP WE'RE ABOUT TO SEE?

  • >> YOU'RE ABOUT TO SEE THE GREAT MERYL STREEP READING FROM MY

  • POEM "THE TOREYS" OR "THE TIGER KING."

  • IT'S AN ALLEGORY OF DONALD TRUMP.

  • YOU'LL SEE.

  • >> HAVING CRAVE EDGE FAILED TO DERAIL OR UNHORSE HIM, THE

  • TOREYS WERE FINALLY FORCED TO ENDORSE HIM.

  • DESPITE HOW HE MADE THEM ALL TREMBLE AND COWER, THEY DECIDED

  • AT LAST THEY WOULD RIDE HIM TO POWER.

  • CIVILLY JUSTICE AND REASON TOOK WING AS DUMPTY WAS CROWNED THE

  • SUPREME TIGER KING.

  • THEN WITH MURDEROUS APPETITE SAVAGE AND HEARTY, HE ATE EVERY

  • SOUL IN THE GRAND TOREY PARTY.

  • >> PRETTY COOL, RIGHT?

  • >> Stephen: THAT IS FANTASTIC.

  • THAT IS FANTASTIC.

  • NOT EVERYBODY CAN CALL IN A FAVOR FROM MERYL STREEP.

  • NICELY DONE.

  • >> MERRILL AND SAM CLOSE, AND SAM JACKSON, WHOOPIE GOLDBERG.

  • IT'S THIS MARVELOUS BUNCH OF PEOPLE.

  • >> Stephen: DID YOU NOT-- DID YOU NOT-- I DIDN'T-- I MUST HAVE

  • GOTTEN GOTTEN LOST IN THE E-MAIL.

  • I NEVER GOT THE REQUEST.

  • >> YOU WERE-- THIS IS GOSPEL TRUTH.

  • YOU WERE ON OUR LIST, BUT I WAS A LITTLE AFRAID YOU WOULD BE

  • ANXIOUS ABOUT CONFLICT OF INTEREST.

  • ( LAUGHS ) I DON'T KNOW WHY.

  • >> Stephen: I'M SUCH A STRONG SUPPORTER OF THE PRESIDENT.

  • I UNDERSTAND.

  • THANK YOU FOR BEING SO SENSITIVE.

  • I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE BEEN DOING SOMETHING DURING QUARANTINE.

  • YOU HAVE BEEN WORKING AT SOMETHING YOU CAN ALREADY DO BUT

  • HAVE BECOME THE MASTER OF IT.

  • SPEED SKETCHING.

  • WHAT IS SPEED SKETCHING?

  • >> YOU KNOW, WELL, IT'S SIMPLY HITTING VIDEO-- THE LITTLE VIDEO

  • BUTTON, STOP-ACTION BUTTON ON YOUR-- OH, GOD!

  • ON YOUR iPHONE.

  • AND IT SPEEDS THINGS UP.

  • BUT JUST FOR YOU, I BROUGHT ALONG PROPS AND SHOW-AND-TELL

  • EQUIPMENT.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY.

  • >> I DECIDED TO DO A SPEED DRAWING OF STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • >> Stephen: IS THAT PAD BLANK RIGHT NOW?

  • >> IT'S BLANK NOW, BUT I'M GOING TO DRAW YOU.

  • THIS PREARRANGED BY YOUR WONDERFUL...

  • WATCH THIS.

  • I'M NOT EVEN USING...

  • iPHONE TECHNOLOGY.

  • OKAY...

  • THIS IS MY LITTLE GIFT TO YOU.

  • NOT BAD, HUH?

  • >> Stephen: NOT BAD AT ALL.

  • >> OKAY, THERE YOU GO.

  • HOW MANY TIMESES HAVE YOU BEEN PORTRAYED BY-- IN PEN AND INK ON

  • YOUR SHOW?

  • >> Stephen: I'M HONORED.

  • I'M HONORED.

  • AND I NEED TO GET A SIGNED COPY OF THIS, TOO, IF YOU DON'T MIND,

  • JOHN.

  • >> IT'S ALREADY ON THE WAY.

  • >> IT IS.

  • >> THERE AGAIN, GOSPEL TRUTH.

  • >> Stephen: AND DINNER?

  • >> YOU KNOW, AND DINNER.

  • EVY AND MARY.

  • >> Stephen: AND NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN NEW YORK BECAUSE I

  • DON'T COME TO LOS ANGELES.

  • >> THAT SHOULD BE ABOUT FIVE YEARS FROM NOW.

  • THESE DAYS, I CAN'T COME TO NEW YORK.

  • I'LL GET THERE, I'LL GET THERE.

  • >> Stephen: >> Stephen: HIS NEW BOOK,

  • "TRUMPTY DUMPTY WANTED A CROWN," IS AVAILABLE NOW.

  • MR. JOHN LITHGOW, EVERYBODY!

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH AUTHOR JONATHAN ALTER.

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  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

  • EVERYBODY.

  • MY NEXT GUEST IS AN MSNBC ANALYST AND "NEW

  • YORK TIMES" BESTSELLING PRESIDENTIAL BIOGRAPHER.

  • HIS LATEST BOOK, ON THE LIFE AND TIMES OF JIMMY CARTER, IS CALLED

  • "HIS VERY BEST."

  • PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," JONATHAN ALTER.

  • JON, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

  • >> HI, STEPHEN.

  • >> Stephen: PEOPLE OUT THERE DON'T KNOW, BUT FOR REASONS WE

  • DON'T HAVE TO GET INTO RIGHT NOW, YOU WERE A PERSON WHO WAS A

  • GREAT RESOURCE FOR ME OVER AT THE "COLBERT REPORT."

  • YOU GAVE US PERSPECTIVE ON WHAT HAPPENS HAPPENING POLITICALLY

  • FREQUENTLY ON THAT SHOW.

  • AND YOU HAVE A REAL VIEW ON THE HISTORY OF THE POLITICS IN

  • AMERICA.

  • HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THE DEBATE WE SAW LAST NIGHT?

  • >> YOU KNOW, NO.

  • IT IS COMPLETELY UNPRECEDENTED.

  • IT'S ALSO AN EXTRAORDINARILY EMBARRASSING MOMENT FOR OUR

  • COUNTRY.

  • AND I KIND OF ACHE FOR OUR COUNTRY AFTER SEEING THAT.

  • YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE WORLD IS WATCHING, AND THIS MAN IS, YOU

  • KNOW, A MENACE TO PUBLIC HEALTH, A MENACE TO OUR COUNTRY, A

  • MENACE TO DEMOCRACY.

  • AND THAT'S WHAT THE REAL ISSUE IS NOW, IS THAT HE'S MADE IT

  • CLEAR THAT HE WILL NOT ACCEPT THE RESULTS OF THE ELECTION IF

  • THEY DON'T GO HIS WAY.

  • WE HAVE LITERALLY NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN OUR WHOLE

  • HISTORY.

  • GEORGE WASHINGTON, AFTER A SECOND TERM, HE STEPPED DOWN AS

  • PRESIDENT.

  • AND THAT SET THE PRECEDENT, REALLY, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN

  • THE WHOLE WORLD, OF A PEACEFUL TRANSFER OF POWER.

  • AFTER THAT, EVERY ELECTION, THERE WAS A PEACEFUL TRANSFER OF

  • POWER, EVEN WHEN IT WAS EXTRAORDINARILY CLOSE, WENT TO

  • THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, THERE STILL WAS THAT TRANSFER OF

  • POWER.

  • >> Stephen: WELL, LET'S TALK ABOUT A PRESIDENT WHO IS MUCH

  • MALINED DURING HIS TERM, AND CERTAINLY HIS PRESIDENCY HAS

  • BEEN MALIGNED SINCE, BUT HE INVENTED THE POSTPRESIDENT.

  • ASK THAT IS JIMMY CARTER.

  • THE BOOK IS CALLED "HIS VERY BEST."

  • DO YOU THINK CARTER IS MISUNDERSTOOD?

  • >> YOU KNOW, HE IS COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTOOD.

  • I MEAN, IT STARTS WITH, YOU KNOW, THIS KIND OF LAZY-MINDED

  • ASSUMPTION, WHICH IS VERY COMMON AND UNDERSTANDABLE, THAT HE WAS

  • A BAD PRESIDENT AND A GREAT FORMER PRESIDENT.

  • IN FACT, HE WAS AN UNDER-RATED, MISUNDERSTOOD PRESIDENT.

  • AND, YOU KNOW, AN INSPIRATIONAL FORMER PRESIDENT, BUT HE HASN'T

  • HAD ANY LEVERS OF POWER, YOU KNOW, TO DO-- TO MAKE REAL

  • CHANGE.

  • HE'S HELPED ERADICATE DISEASE.

  • HE DID SOME PEACEMAKING.

  • HE'S BUILT HOUSES, AS PEOPLE KNOW.

  • HE'S MONITORED ELECTIONS OVERSEAS-- ALL GREAT WORK BY THE

  • CARTER CENTER.

  • HE REVOLUTIONIZED WHAT FORMER PRESIDENTS DO.

  • BUT HE DID SO MUCH MORE WHEN HE WAS IN OFFICE.

  • THE PROBLEM IS THAT HE WAS A POLITICAL FAILURE AND A

  • STYLISTIC FAILURE AT A CERTAIN POINT.

  • I ARGUE THAT EVEN THOUGH HE WAS A POLITICAL FAILURE AND GOT HIS

  • BUTT KICKED BY RONALD REAGAN IN 1980 AND MADE A LOT OF MISTAKES,

  • HE WAS A SUBSTANTIVE AND FARSIGHTED, EVEN VISIONARY

  • SUCCESS.

  • EIGHT OUT OF 14 ENVIRONMENTAL BILLS HE SIGNED.

  • HE SIGNED MORE LEGISLATION THAN ANY PRESIDENT, EXCEPT FOR LYNDON

  • JOHNSON, SINCE WORLD WAR II.

  • AND MANY OF THEM CHANGED-- MANY OF THESE BILLS CHANGED THE

  • COUNTRY IN FUNDAMENTAL WAYS.

  • THE PRESS JUST WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION TO IT.

  • >> Stephen: I KNOW YOU SAT DOWN WITH THE PRESIDENT MANY

  • TIMES FOR THIS BOOK.

  • HE COOPERATED WITH THIS BIOGRAPHY.

  • >> HE DID.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT SURPRISED YOU ABOUT THE MAN?

  • I KNOW HE'S IN HIS 90s NOW.

  • WHAT DID YOU NOT EXPECT?

  • >> WELL, YOU KNOW, I THINK A LOT OF IT WAS JUST THE MODESTY OF

  • HIS LIFE, AND THE FACT THAT, YOU KNOW, HE AND ROSALYN, THEY SLEEP

  • ON A MURPHY BED WHEN THEY'RE IN ATLANTA.

  • THEY SPEND MOST OF THEIR TIME IN PAST ON THE ROAD TRAVELING TO

  • 120 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES DOING GOOD WORKS.

  • BUT, YOU KNOW, IN ATLANTA, THEY SLEEP ON A MURPHY BED AT THE

  • CARTER CENTER.

  • AND, YOU KNOW, HE CUT THE GRASS FOR A LONG TIME, UNTIL QUITE

  • RECENTLY, AT THEIR CHURCH.

  • AND THEY'RE VERY ACTIVE IN, YOU KNOW, LOCAL THINGS-- CHURCH

  • SUPPER ON PAPER PLATES.

  • THINGS ABOUT THEIR LIVES.

  • MRS. CARTER GAVE ME THE LOVE LETTERS WHICH HE WROTE HER FROM

  • THE NAVY.

  • WHICH ARE VERY STEAMY.

  • >> Stephen: REALLY?

  • >> YOU KNOW, AND THEY ARE QUITE A BIT BEYOND JOHN AND ABIGAIL

  • ADAMS IN THEIR EXPLICITNESS.

  • >> Stephen: ARE THEY IN THE BOOK?

  • >> THEY'RE IN THE BOOK.

  • >> Stephen: I THINK YOU MOVED SOME PAPER.

  • WE HAVE A SEXY PEANUT FARMER IN HERE.

  • >> AND SOME AWESOME STUFF I FOUND OUT ABOUT HIM.

  • AT ONE POINT HE WENT DOOR TO DOOR AS A MISSIONARY, AND HE

  • CAME ACROSS A BROTH EXPEL TRIED TO CONVERT THE MADAM.

  • HE IS NOT INTOLERANT OF PEOPLE NOT AS RELIGIOUS AS HIM.

  • HE BECAME FRIENDLY WITH BOB DYLAN.

  • GONZO HUNTER HELPED MAKE CARTER PRESIDENT.

  • ONE OF THE REASONS I WANTED THAT ANDY WARHOL OF HIM ON THE COVER

  • IS THERE WAS A TIME WHEN HE WAS VERY COOL, AND I THINK A YOUNGER

  • GENERATION IS KIND OF REDISCOVERING HIM NOW, IN PART

  • BECAUSE HE IS THE UN-TRUMP.

  • >> Stephen: HIS 96th BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW.

  • OTHER THAN BUYING THIS BRILLIANT BIGRAPHY OF JIMMY CARTER, HOW

  • CAN PEOPLE CELEBRATE IT?

  • >> FIRST OF ALL, THANK YOU FOR THE COLBERT BUMP.

  • >> Stephen: YOU GOT IT.

  • >> SO I THINK THE WAY TO HONOR HIM IS HE IS ASKING FOR PEOPLE

  • NOT TO GIVE RIGHT NOW TO THE CARTER CENTER, BUT TO GIVE FOR

  • COVID RELIEF.

  • THERE ARE A LOT OF COUNTRIES THAT THAT ARE IN REAL DANGER AND

  • DON'T HAVE THE RESOURCES WE HAVE, EVEN THOUGH WE'VE SUFFERED

  • WORSE THAN ANY OTHER MAJOR COUNTRY.

  • AND, ALSO, HE FEELS REALLY STRONGLY, BECAUSE HE'S MONITORED

  • ALL THESE ELECTIONS, ABOUT THE INTEGRITY OF ELECTIONS, AND I

  • THINK HE WOULD URGE PEOPLE TO BE POLL WATCHERS, TO, YOU KNOW,

  • BRING FRIENDS TO VOTE FOR BIDEN, NOT JUST YOURSELF.

  • MAYBE USE THE CALL TOOLS SO YOU CAN CALL INTO BATTLEGROUND

  • STATES TO GET OUT THE VOTE.

  • AND I THINK THAT THE GREATEST 96th BIRTHDAY PRESENT THAT

  • ANYBODY COULD GIVE HIM WOULD BE TO WORK THEIR BUTTS OFF FOR JOE

  • BIDEN AND SAVE OUR DEMOCRACY >> Stephen: HIS BOOK, "HIS VERY

  • BEST," IS OUT NOW.

  • THE MAN IS JONATHAN ALTER, EVERYBODY.

  • WHEN WE COME BACK, ONE OF MY WRITERS HEADS OUT INTO THE WILDS

  • OF COVID PARENTHOOD.

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  • Could have used a little salt.

  • Visit geico.com

  • and see how easy saving on renters insurance can be.

  • It's Kohl's Friends & Family Sale!

  • Take an extra 20% off...

  • Get fleece for the family - $15.99 and under...

  • The new Fitbit Inspire 2 is $99.99...

  • And get family denim - $17.59 and under...

  • Plus, get Kohl's Cash...

  • Plus, free store pickup.

  • Find a little more this fall.

  • ♪♪

  • ♪♪

  • ♪♪

  • ♪♪

  • We are at war with a virus.

  • And healthcare troops and first responders are

  • on the front line fighting it every day.

  • Let's join the fight, by staying home.

  • Staying home is not a retreat,

  • it's the most brave and aggressive weapon we have

  • against this enemy.

  • Because when we do stay at home,

  • we help prevent overwhelming our hospitals,

  • while buying time for scientists to find the vaccine...

  • and that's how we beat it....

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

  • >> RADICAL LEFT.

  • >> WILL YOU SHUT UP, MAN.

  • >> LISTEN, WHO IS ON YOUR LIST?

  • >> YOU KNOW, I FORGOT THE NAME...

  • ( GULPING ) I WON'T DOANT WEAR MASKS LIKE

  • HIM.

  • WHENEVER YOU SEE HIM HE WEARS A MASK.

  • DON'T EVER USE THE WORD "SMART" WITH ME.

  • DON'T EVER USE THE WORD "SMART" WITH ME.

  • DON'T EVER USE THE WORD "SMART" WITH ME.

  • DON'T EVER USE THE WORD "SMART" WITH ME.

  • Get ready - our most popular battery

  • is now even more powerful.

  • The stronger, lasts-longer

  • Energizer MAX.

  • ♪ ♪

  • NOT MUCH, HOW ABOUT YOU?

  • ARE YOU ANSWERING MY TEXT IN PERSON?

  • I AM, YEAH.

  • LOL COME ON IN.

  • THIS IS TECH THAT HELPS YOU BE THERE.

  • THE NISSAN ALTIMA NOW OFFERING THE MOST

  • TECH-ADVANCED ENGINE IN ITS CLASS

  • Our new McDonald's Spicy Chicken McNuggets

  • are just the right amount of spicy.

  • A small-to-medium Sprite kind of spicy.

  • A... "let's get a McFlurry after this" kind of spicy.

  • But if you get the Mighty Hot Sauce...

  • It's a... "napkins are for foreheads now" kind of spicy.

  • A... "this came from McDonald's?"

  • kind of spicy.

  • Because our Spicy Chicken McNuggets breaded in tempura,

  • made with cayenne are just the right amount of spicy.

  • Unless... you remember what I said about the sauce.

  • Ba da ba ba ba

  • [phone rings] “Hello, how can I”

  • Sore throat pain?

  • Try new Vicks VapoCOOL Drops in Honey Lemon Chill

  • For a fast-acting rush of relief like you've never tasted in...

  • HONEY LEMON AHH

  • Woo

  • Vicks VapoCOOL Drops now in Honey Lemon Chill

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

  • EVERYBODY.

  • YOU KNOW, DURING THESE LONG MONTHS OF QUARANTINE, WE'VE ALL

  • LEARNED A LOT.

  • FOR INSTANCE, BEFORE THIS YEAR, I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS POSSIBLE TO

  • HAVE NIGHT SWETS DURING A DAYDREAM.

  • WITH SO MANY PEOPLE KEPT OUT OF THEIR OFFICES AND AWAY FROM THE

  • CROWDED CITIES, THIS PANDEMIC HAS ALSO ALLOWED MANY AMERICANS

  • TO RECONNECT WITH NATURE.

  • IN FACT, ONE OF MY HEAD WRITERS, JAKE, HAS USED HIS TIME WORKING

  • REMOTELY TO SHARE A HABITAT WITH WILD ANIMALS.

  • TONIGHT HE FILES THIS VIDEO JOURNAL.

  • ( BIRDS CHIRPING ) >> I'VE ALWAYS BEEN FASCINATED

  • BY THE NATURAL WORLD.

  • AND WHEN THE PANDEMIC CAME, I GOT THE RARE OPPORTUNITY TO

  • OBSERVE WILD CREATURES IN THEIR NATURAL HABITAT.

  • I HAVE BEEN LIVING AMONG MY KIDS.

  • BEFORE QUARANTINE, I KNEW VERY LITTLE OF THESE SMALL, BIPEDAL

  • HOMINIDES.

  • I WOULD SEE THEM IN PICTURES, OVERHEAR THEIR CALL OR CATCH

  • GLIMPSES OF THEIR RITUAL DANCES.

  • NOW, AFTER OBSERVING THEM UP CLOSE WITH THEIR HUMAN EMOTIONS

  • AND FEATURES, I FINALLY UNDERSTAND WHY SCIENTISTS

  • ESTIMATE THEIR D.N.A. IS UP TO 50% IDENTICAL TO MY OWN.

  • I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO CAPTURE SOME INCREDIBLE FOOT ANNUAL OF THEM,

  • BECAUSE THEY JUST TAKE MY PHONE AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE IT IS

  • FOR MOST OF THE DAY.

  • I'VE DISCOVERED THAT THERE ARE FAR MORE OF THEM THAN I EVER

  • WOULD HAVE PRESUMED.

  • I'VE GIVEN THEM NAMES.

  • THE TALL ONE I CALL STRYKER.

  • THE MIDSIZED RON, RUMBLE FOOT.

  • AND THE SMALLEST, BENJI, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HIS MOM KEEPS

  • CALLING HIM, AND I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S HIS NAME.

  • THEY APPEAR TO HAVE A HIERARCHICAL SOCIETY, BUT IT

  • SEEMS LIKE THEY'RE MISSING AN AUTHORITY FIGURE.

  • THIS WEEK, THE ALPHA LOCKED EYES WITH ME.

  • I THINK I MIGHT BE EARNING HIS RESPECT.

  • I'VE BEEN KEEPING A JOURNAL OF MY OBSERVATIONS, AND,

  • APPARENTLY, THEY GOT TO THIS, TOO.

  • IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'VE ALSO BEEN OBSERVING ME.

  • I LIKE TO BELIEVE THAT I TAUGHT THEM THINGS, LIKE FRACTIONS AND

  • SPELLING.

  • BUT I BELIEVE THEY'VE TAUGHT ME SO MUCH MORE.

  • I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF IT RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE I'M REALLY TIRED.

  • ( SCREAMING ) I'M REALLY TIRED.

  • WHAT WAS THIS?

  • WHAT IS THIS?

  • AND I BELIEVE WITH THE EXPERIENCES WE'VE SHARED THEY

  • MIGHT ONE DAY ACCEPT ME AS ONE OF THEIR OWN.

  • GUYS.

  • NO, NO, NO, NO.

  • NO!

  • GUYS.

  • I THINK-- I THINK YOU BROKE MY PHONE.

  • I THINK YOU BROKE MY PHONE.

  • >> Stephen: STAY SAFE, JAKE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪

  • always stepped up.

  • But with the COVID-19 crisis,

  • many veterans are struggling -

  • to make ends meet

  • or get the care they need.

  • DAV has helped ill and injured veterans for one hundred years,

  • but today, the need is greater than ever.

  • Give to the DAV COVID-19 Relief Fund -

  • and help provide critical assistance

  • to veterans in need.

  • Go to DAV.org/HelpVets

  • or call now.

  • Your donation will make a real difference.

  • or call now. (drumsticks rattle, feedback hums)

  • (door closes in distance)

  • ♪ ♪

  • (overlapping voices): We are producers, engineers,

  • singers, songwriters, musicians, tour and live production crews,

  • and thousands more of us.

  • (male voice): Without us, the music stops.

  • (overlapping voices): We need your help

  • (female voice): to keep the music playing.

  • (male voice): Support those impacted today at:

  • MusiCares.org.

  • [female narrator] Even when schools are closed

  • we're still hard at work,

  • because vulnerable students

  • who already struggle with poverty,

  • hunger and trauma,

  • need our support more than ever.

  • At Communities In Schools, we do whatever it takes.

  • Delivering meals, helping kids access remote learning

  • and just checking in.

  • In schools, in communities

  • and in times of crisis

  • providing kids a community of support.

  • To learn more, visit Communities In Schools dot org.

  • LATE SHOW."

  • TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE ETHAN HAWKE, AND A LEAD

  • PROSECUTOR FOR THE MUELLER INVESTIGATION, ANDREW WEISSMANN.

  • JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT WITH HIS GUEST HILARY CLINTON.

  • BUT FIRST, LET'S SAY GOODNIGHT WITH SOME MUSIC FROM JON BATISTE

  • AND STAY HUMAN.

  • Captioning sponsored by CBS Captioned by

  • Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

  • Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

  • Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

  • Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

  • Captioning sponsored by CBSTHE LATE LATE SHOW, OH, OH

  • THE LATE LATE SHOW, OOHTHE LATE LATE SHOW, OH, OH

  • THE LATE LATE SHOWOH, OH

>> THAT WAS THE WORST DEBATE I HAVE EVER SEEN.

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Donald Trump, The Constant Interrupter

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2020 年 10 月 24 日
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