OF COURSE, PRESIDENT TRUMP LEFT THE HOSPITAL EARLY LAST NIGHT.

當然，特朗普總統昨晚很早就離開了醫院。

AND HE DID NOT MISS THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE HIMSELF LOOK

而他也沒有錯過讓自己看起來的機會

LIKE A HERO, BECAUSE A SHORT TIME LATER HE TWEETED OUT THIS

就像一個英雄，因為很短的時間後，他在微博上發出了這個

DRAMATIC, MOVIE-LIKE VIDEO OF HIS RETURN.

戲劇性的，像電影一樣的視頻他的迴歸。

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♪ ♪

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>> James: THAT'S A LOT OF WORK JUST TO

>> 詹姆斯。這是一個很大的工作，只是為了。

ANNOUNCE THAT CORONAVIRUS IS OFFICIALLY IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

宣佈 "冠狀病毒 "正式進入白宮。

( LAUGHTER ) YOU HAVE TO HAND IT TO THAT

你必須把它交給那個...

PRODUCTION TEAM.

生產團隊。

HE'S A 74-YEAR-OLD SENIOR CITIZEN RETURNING FROM THE

他是一個74歲的老公民，從監獄回來。

HOSPITAL TO RECEIVE AT-HOME CARE.

在醫院接受家庭護理。

AND THEY MADE IT LOOK LIKE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER IS

他們讓它看起來像阿諾德-施瓦辛格是。

DROPPING INTO CENTRAL AMERICA TO FIGHT THE PREDATOR.

潛入美國中部對抗掠奪者。

( LAUGHTER ) THAT WASN'T THE ONLY VERSION,

（笑）這不是唯一的版本。

THOUGH.

認為。

WE ACTUALLY GOT OUR HANDS ON THE VERSION WITH A VOICEOVER AND

我們實際上已經拿到了帶配音的版本，並且

IT'S EVEN BETTER.

它甚至更好。

TAKE A LOOK...

看一看...

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>> IN A WORLD WHERE A BILLIONAIRE WHO DOESN'T PAY

>> 在一個億萬富翁不付錢的世界裡。

TAXES CAN GET WORLD CLASS HEALTHCARE WHILE THOUSANDS OF

稅收可以讓世界一流的醫療服務，同時又能讓數以萬計的人

AMERICANS ARE SICK AND DYING, ONE MAN ENJOYS FREE HELICOPTER

美國人生病和死亡，一個人享受免費直升機

RIDES WITH A MILITARY ESCORT AND WADDLING ACROSS THE WHITE HOUSE

騎著軍車，在白宮裡走來走去。

LAWN DOING A VERY SILLY LITTLE WAVE.

LAWN做一個非常SILLY的小波浪。

AND WHATEVER THAT IS -- SO THAT HE CAN STAND ON A BALCONY LIKE A

不管是什麼... 這樣他就可以站在陽臺上像一個

LOW RENT DAVIDA AND SALUTE THE SERVICE MEMBERS HE CALLED

低租金的DAVIDA和致敬的服務成員，他呼籲。

LOSERS.

失敗者：

DONALD TRUMP, ONLY IN THEORIES UNTIL NOVEMBER 3rd

唐納德-特朗普，11月3日之前，只在理論上。

( APPLAUSE ) >> James: I WOULD WATCH IT.

( 掌聲 ) >> 詹姆斯:我想看它。

I WOULD.

我想。

WHO WOULD PLAY CORONAVIRUS IN THAT MOVIE?

誰會在那部電影中扮演冠狀病毒？

WHO WOULD IT BE?

會是誰呢？

>> I'D LIKE TO SEE WILLIAM DEFO.

>> 我想看看威廉-德福。

>> James: THAT'S A GOOD SHOUT, WILLIAM DEFO, STEVE BUSCEMI.

>> 詹姆斯。這是一個很好的呼喊， 威廉・德福，STEVE BUSCEMI。

>> CHRIS DEFAULTS.

>> CHRIS DEFAULTS.

>> James: IT COULD BE ANIMATED BECAUSE YOU KNOW THE BALL THEY

>> 詹姆斯：可能是動畫，因為你知道他們的球。

SHOW THE CORONAVIRUS WITH THE LITTLE RED SPIKES, THEY COULD

給浣熊看小紅刺，他們可以。

EACH BE A RED ANIMATED SPIKE.

每個人都是一個紅色的動畫釘。

( LAUGHTER ) >> Reggie: YES, YES.

(大笑) >> 雷吉：是的，是的。

>> James: ONE OF THEM'S A BIT CRAZY, AND ONE OF THEM PLAYS BY

>> 詹姆斯。他們中的一個有點瘋狂，他們中的一個人在玩。

THE RULES, THE OTHER ONE'S JUST A MAVERICK.

規則，另一個只是個馬弗裡克。

>> LUIS GUZMAN'S ON THE OTHER SIDE GOING, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS

>> 路易斯-古茲曼在另一邊，你們在幹什麼？

TALKING ABOUT OVER THERE?

在說那邊的事嗎？

SHUT UP!

閉嘴！

WE'VE GOT TO GET MIKE PENCE BEFORE THIS IS OVER!

我們必須在這一切結束之前找到MIKE PENCE!

( LAUGHTER ) >> James: THEN TRUMP POSTED AN

（笑）>>詹姆斯。然後，特朗普發佈了一個

ODD VIDEO WHERE HE RAMBLED ABOUT HIS

奇怪的視頻，他在那裡嘮叨他的。

LEADERSHIP AND CLAIMED THAT HE MAY ALREADY BE IMMUNE TO THE

並聲稱他可能已經對《公約》有了免疫力。

VIRUS.

病毒：

>> AS YOUR LEADER, I HAD TO DO THAT.

>> 作為你的上司，我不得不這樣做。

I KNEW THERE WAS DANGER TO IT, BUT I HAD TO DO IT.

我知道這很危險，但我不得不這麼做。

I STOOD OUT FRONT, I LED.

突出的前臺，LED。

NOBODY THAT'S APP LEADER WOULD NOT DO WHAT I DID.

沒有人是APP領導者不會做我所做的事情。

AND I KNOW THERE'S A RISK, THERE'S A DANGER, BUT THAT'S

我知道有風險，有危險，但那是...

OKAY, AND NOW I'M BETTER AND MAYBE I'M IMMUNE.

好吧，現在我更好，也許我是免疫的。

I DON'T KNOW.

我不知道。

>> James: NOBODY THAT'S A LEADER WOULD NOT DO WHAT I DID."

>> 詹姆斯。沒有人是一個領導者不會做我所做的。"

NOBODY WHO SPEAKS ENGLISH AS A FIRST LANGUAGE WOULD NOT SAY IT

以英語為第一語言的人都不會這麼說。

HOW YOU JUST NOT SAID IT.

你怎麼不說呢。

( LAUGHTER ) WHAT IS GOING ON WITH TRUMP'S

（笑）什麼是怎麼回事與特朗普的。

HANDS?

手？

HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S AT SUBWAY AND CAN'T DECIDE BETWEEN A SIX INCH

他看起來像他在SUBWAY，不能決定之間的一個9英寸的，

AND A FOOT-LONG.

和一英尺長的。

UH, I DON'T KNOW -- I GOT DINNER PLANS, BUT I'M KIND OF HUNGRY.

呃，我不知道 - 我有晚餐計劃， 但我有點餓了。

( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOW TRUMP'S WONDERING IF

但現在，特朗普想知道，如果...

HE'S IMMUNE.

他是免疫的。

YEAH, HE'S IMMUNE, ALRIGHT.

是的，他是免疫的，好的。

IMMUNE TO FACTS.

對事實的免疫力：

( APPLAUSE ) >> YEAH!

( 掌聲 ) >> YEAH!

( CHEERING ) >> James: THAT'S THE ONE.

( 歡呼 ) >> 詹姆斯:這是一個。

THAT'S THE ONE THAT'LL GET HIM.

這就是那個會讓他得逞的人。

THAT WILL TAKE HIM DOWN.

這將採取他失望。

THAT WILL TAKE HIM DOWN.

這將採取他失望。

I SWEAR, IF THAT WAS AN AUDIENCE HERE, THAT WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A

我發誓，如果這裡有聽眾，那一定會得到一個好的結果。

STANDING OVATION.

起立致敬。

CAN WE GET THAT ON A T-SHIRT?

我們能把它穿在T恤上嗎？

THAT WOULD BE A GOOD DEAL OF MERCH, THAT.

這將是一個很好的交易，那。

>> IF THERE WAS AN AUDIENCE HERE, THAT WOULD BE A STANDING

>> 如果這裡有觀眾，那將會是一個站立式的

OVATION.

OVATION：

>> James: NO.

>> 詹姆斯。沒有。

( LAUGHTER ) >> Reggie: OH, MAN.

(大笑) >> 雷吉：哦，夥計。

>> James: HE'S IMMUNE, ALL RIGHT -- IMMUNE TO FACTS.

>> 他是免疫的，對，對事實免疫。

( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( 觀眾反應 ) ( 歡呼聲和掌聲 )

>> Reggie: GOOD TIMING.

>> 好時機。

>> James: THE REALIZE JUST SET IN.

>> 詹姆斯現實剛剛開始。

( LAUGHTER ) MEAN WHILE THE CORONAVIRUS

（笑）我的意思是，當冠狀病毒，

BREAKOUT IN THE WHITE HOUSE LED TO A RATHER UNUSUAL SIGHT.

在白宮裡的突發事件導致了一個更不尋常的景象。

THIS IS A CLEANING TEAM IN HAZMAT SUITS SANITIZING THE

這是一支穿著危險品防護服的清潔隊，正在對危險品進行消毒。

WHITE HOUSE.

白宮：

I FEEL LIKE THIS IS A JOKE WE WERE MAKING WHEN TRUMP FIRST GOT

我覺得這是一個笑話，我們是在開玩笑，當特朗普第一次得到了。

ELECTED.

當選：

LIKE, "EW, DONALD TRUMP?

喜歡，"EW，唐納德-特朗普？

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO SANITIZE THE WHITE HOUSE NOW!"

"我們現在必須給白宮消毒！"

AND NOW, BECAUSE OF TRUMP, THEY LITERALLY HAVE TO SANITIZE THE

而現在，因為特朗普，他們真的要對這個世界進行消毒

WHITE HOUSE.

白宮：

( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT JUST A SAFETY

這不僅僅是一個安全問題。

PRECAUTION, IT'S ALSO HOW TRUMP IS NOW GETTING HIS SPRAY TANS.

小心點，這也是特朗普現在如何獲得他的噴漆晒黑。

( LAUGHTER ) DESPITE EVERYTHING, THE

（笑）儘管一切都在進行中，

PRESIDENT CONTINUES UNDAUNTED.

主席：繼續不宣佈開會。

THIS MORNING HE TWEETED, ALL CAPS, "FEELING GREAT!

今天早上，他在微博上寫道："感覺好極了！"。

".

".

AT LEAST SOMEONE IS.

至少有人是。

ALSO THANKS FOR THE UPDATE ON YOUR WIFE'S HEALTH,

也謝謝你對你妻子健康狀況的更新。

MR. PRESIDENT.

先生。主席：

( LAUGHTER ) GLAD YOU HAVEN'T MADE THIS WHOLE

（笑）很高興你沒有做這一切。

THING ALL ABOUT YOU.

關於你的事情。

FEELING GREAT, THAT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU SAY WHEN YOU'RE

感覺很好，這不是你說的，當你是。

ACTUALLY FEELING GREAT.

實際上感覺很好。

THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY WHEN YOU JUST THREW UP IN THE BATHROOM OF

這就是你說的，當你剛剛在浴室裡扔掉的時候

A BAR BUT YOU WANT TO RALLY AND KEEP GOING.

一個酒吧，但你想集結，繼續前進。

WE SHOULD GET YOU A CAB.

我們應該給你找輛計程車。

NO, I'M FEELING GREAT!

不，我感覺很好！

LET'S DO SOME SHOTS.

讓我們做一些鏡頭。

( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOT EVERYONE IS BUYING INTO

但不是每個人都會相信

TRUMP'S OPTIMISTIC TAKE ON THE VIRUS.

特朗普對病毒的樂觀態度。

FACEBOOK AND TWITTER TODAY BLOCKED A POST FROM THE

Facebook和TWITTER今天阻止了一個帖子從的。

PRESIDENT, WHERE HE FALSELY CLAIMED THAT CORONAVIRUS IS LESS

主席，他錯誤地聲稱冠狀病毒的毒性較低。

DEADLY THAN THE FLU.

比流感更致命。

GREAT NEWS, EVERYONE.

好消息，每個人。

WE CAN 100% TRUST FACEBOOK AGAIN.p( LAUGHTER )

我們可以100％信任FACEBOOK再次.p（笑）。

TWITTER PUT A TAG ON TRUMP'S TWEET, WHICH SEEMS IMPRESSIVE

TWITTER在特朗普的推特上貼了個標籤，看起來很有衝擊力。

UNTIL YOU REMEMBER THAT TWITTER WILL BAN YOU FOR TELLING THE

直到你記住，微博會禁止你講這些話

OFFICIAL CAPTAIN CRUNCH ACCOUNT THAT CRUNCH-BERRIES SUCK.

官方隊長CRUNCH帳戶，CRUNCH -BERIES吮吸。

( LAUGHTER ) NOT GOING TO GO INTO IT, BUT

（笑）不打算去討論它，但

THEY DO.

他們做。

( LAUGHTER ) THEY'VE STOPPED TRUMP FROM LYING

他們已經阻止了特朗普的謊言。

ON FACEBOOK AND TWITTER.

在FACEBOOK和TWITTER上。

NOW TRUMP WILL ONLY BE ABLE TO LIE AT RALLIES, PRESS

現在，特朗普將只能在集會上撒謊了，記者

CONFERENCES, INTERVIEWS, DEBATES, FUNDRAISING DINNERS,

會議、採訪、辯論、籌款晚餐會。

AND WHEN HE TELLS ERIC THAT HE'S PROUD OF HIM.

而當他告訴艾瑞克說他以他為榮的時候。

( LAUGHTER ) MOVING ON.

（笑）繼續前進。

A FORMER EMPLOYEE AT A PUBLIC LIBRARY IN AUSTIN, TEXAS, WAS

德克薩斯州奧斯汀市公共圖書館的一名前僱員，被

JUST ACCUSED OF STEALING PRINTER TONER FROM

被控偷竊打印機碳粉的人

WORK, AND THEN RESELLING IT ONLINE.

工作，然後在網上轉賣。

OVER THE COURSE OF 12 YEARS HE MADE, THIS IS TRUE, $1.3

在他12年的時間裡，這是真的，1.3美元。

MILLION FROM TONER CARTRIDGES.

從碳粉盒中獲得的百萬元。

THAT'S, LIKE, SIX TONER CARTRIDGES.

這是，喜歡，六噸的墨盒。

( LAUGHTER ) THEY FIRST BECAME SUSPICIOUS

（笑）他們首先開始懷疑。

WHEN THE LIBRARIAN ROLLED UP TO CHILDREN'S STORY HOUR IN A

當圖書館館長把兒童故事時間拉到了一個地方。

BRAND-NEW LAMBORGHINI.

全新的Lamborghini。

( LAUGHTER ) HE DID THIS FOR 12 YEARS.

他這樣做了12年。

YOU JUST KNOW HE WANTED TO CONFESS A FEW YEARS AGO, BUT HE

你知道他幾年前就想承認了，但他...

WAS LIKE "GUYS, I REALLY NEED TO ADMIT SOMETHI--"

就像 "夥計們，我真的需要承認一些事情 --"

"SHHHH!" "I KNOW, BUT--"

"SHHHH！""我知道，但是--"

"SHHHH!" "SHHHH!"

"SHHHH！""SHHHH！"

( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, WE WANTED TO SHOW

最後，我們想顯示

YOU THIS.

你這個。

THERE'S A NEW HARRY POTTER CHOCOLATE WAND -- WHAT WAS THAT?

新的哈利波特巧克力棒... 那是什麼？

>> THAT WAS TIM.

>> 那是TIM。

HE WAS GIVING US A PREVIEW BEFORE WE GO INTO IT.

他給我們一個預覽 之前，我們進入它。

>> James: THIS IS THE LAST BIT OF THE MONO.

>> 詹姆斯。這是單聲道的最後一段。

THIS IS WHEN YOU DECIDE WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY FOR THE

這時候你要決定你要玩的是什麼。

BUMPOUT.

BUMPOUT。

>> YEAH, BASICALLY, RIGHT.

>> 是的，基本上是這樣，沒錯。

>> James: ANG HANG ON.

>> 詹姆斯。ANG HANG ON。

IS THAT TRUE?

是真的嗎？

YOU DECIDE WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO BUMP OUT BY TIM IN A MICROPHONE

你決定你要去哪裡，由時間在一個微型電話。

GOING -- >> THAT'S A BAD

去 - >> 這是一個壞的。

CHARACTERIZATION.

特點：

>> WE'RE KIND OF LIKE GOLDFISH AND WE FORGET, AND TIM'S LIKE,

>> 我們有點像金魚，我們忘記了，和TIM的喜歡，

PLOP, PLOP, DOO, DOO, DOO, AND WE DO IT.

PLOP，PLOP，DOO，DOO，DOO，我們做到了。

>> James: THAT'S GIVING US SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

>> 詹姆斯。這給了我們一些期待的東西。

>> HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT.

>> 希望你喜歡它。

>> James: THEY CAN'T ALL BE WINNERS.

>> 詹姆斯。他們不可能都是贏家。

IT'S AN ATTEMPT AT COMEDY.

這是一個喜劇的嘗試。

( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, WE WANTED TO SHOW

最後，我們想顯示

YOU THIS.

你這個。

THERE'S A NEW HARRY POTTER CHOCOLATE WAND FOR SALE AT

有一個新的哈利波特巧克力棒出售在。

STORES IN ENGLAND, BUT MANY SHOPPERS HAVE NOTICED THAT THE

英格蘭的商店，但許多商店已經注意到，在英國的商店。

WAND RESEMBLES A-- WELL, SEE FOR YOURSELVES...

魔杖象徵著... 好吧，你自己看吧... ...

>> Reggie: OH, WOW...

>> 哦，哇哦... ...

>> James: ERECTO DILDORUIM!

>> 詹姆斯。ERECTO DILDORUIM！

( LAUGHTER ) SO FAR IT'S CREATING SOME

（笑）到目前為止，它創造了一些。

CONFUSION.

混亂。

KIDS ALL OVER ENGLAND ARE LIKE "MUM?

英國各地的孩子們都喜歡 "媽媽"？

WHERE'S MY WAND?" "HUH?

我的魔杖在哪裡？""HUH？

WAND?

WAND？

DID YOU HAVE A WAND?" BUT EXPERTS SAY TO BE CAREFUL

你有魔杖嗎？"但專家說要小心。

WITH THIS THING.

與這個東西。

YOU DON'T WANT TO USE IT WITH SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW VERY

您不想和不熟悉的人一起使用它。

WELL.

好吧。

YOU COULD CONTRACT HOGWARTS.

你可以和霍格沃茲簽約。

( RIM SHOT ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH WHOOPI

我們馬上回來與WHOOPI。

GOLDBERG!

GOLDBERG！