And I had to make a choice without either gonna have fewer high quality friends or less quality but more quantity friends.

而我必須做出選擇，沒有要麼會少了高質量的朋友，要麼少了高質量但多了數量的朋友。

And this was right at that stage where I also was trying to figure out what kind of friendships that I wanna have on social media.

而這就在那個階段，我也在試圖弄清楚我想在社交媒體上建立什麼樣的友誼。

And it's the same, I think, question that we all have to ask ourselves.

我想，這也是我們所有人都要問自己的問題。

I think of social media friendships like cotton candy.

我認為社交媒體的友誼就像棉花糖一樣。

I call these cotton candy friendships so cotton candy friendships are great.

我把這些叫做棉花糖友誼，所以棉花糖友誼很好。

These are the people that you love seeing at a party on there, and they're really fun to hang out with.

這些都是你喜歡在上面的聚會上看到的人，他們真的很有趣。

There's a lot, a lot of substance.

有很多，很多的內容。

There's not a lot of nutrition.

沒有多少營養。

You wouldn't text them if you were going through something hard.

如果你正在經歷一些困難的事情，你不會給他們發短信。

You wouldn't, you know, call them if something happened to them.

如果他們發生了什麼事，你不會，你知道，打電話給他們。

But it's a fun, exciting friendship.

但這是一段有趣的、令人興奮的友誼。

The thing is, is you eventually need to have a meal, right?

問題是，是你最終需要吃一頓飯，對嗎？

Like cotton candy is OK every once in a while, but if you have too much of it, your teeth begin toe like rot from it you know, they take from the sugar, um, and give you a sugar headache.

就像棉花糖是確定的 每隔一段時間， 但如果你有太多的它， 你的牙齒開始腳趾像從它腐爛 你知道，他們從糖， 嗯，給你一個糖頭痛。

And so I think that it's about what are the friends that give you nutrition and then which of those friends that are kind of the surface ones.

所以我覺得就是要看哪些朋友是給你提供營養的，然後這些朋友中哪些是那種表面的朋友。

And that was a big decision I had to make.

而這是我不得不做出的一個重大決定。

You've talked about breaking up with friends like So how do you sculpt that garden of friendship?

你說過和朋友分手的事，比如說，那麼你如何雕琢那片友誼的花園？

It's so hard.

這是很難的。

So I think that adult friendships is, you know, when you're a teenager, everyone's talking about, like bullying and cyberbullying.

所以我覺得成人朋友關係是，你知道，當你是一個青少年的時候，大家都在討論，比如說欺負和網絡欺負。

I think, as adults, this adult friendship issue is the next sort of frontier of talking about.

我想，作為成年人，這個成年人的友誼問題是下一種談論的前沿。

How do we court friends?

我們如何追求朋友？

How do we build a friendship when it's not romantic?

不浪漫的時候，我們該如何建立友誼？

How do we break up with a friendship when it's been too long?

友誼太久了，我們該如何分手？

And the biggest thing that happens with friendships is they do go stale and it's a very weird thing to say, But there are people I'm sure you could think of someone in your life where every time there number pops up on a text messages like it's been a while.

和最大的事情，發生與友誼 是他們去變質，這是一個非常奇怪的事情說， 但有的人，我敢肯定，你能想到的人在你的生活中，每一次有數字彈出的簡訊，像它已經有一段時間。

I better call them or, you know, you see them out of convenience or out of location.

我最好給他們打電話，或者，你知道，你看到他們出於方便或者位置。

And I think those are the kind of friendships that really drain you.

而我認為這些都是那種真正耗費你的友誼。

There's actually a study that was done on ambivalent relationships.

其實有一項研究是關於矛盾關係的。

Yeah, this is so interesting.

是啊，這是如此有趣。

Yeah, I'm thinking about ambivalence a lot.

是啊，我經常在想矛盾性的問題。

So toxic people, we get it right.

所以，有毒的人，我們要正確對待。

We all understand that we want to get rid of toxic people.

我們都明白，我們要擺脫有毒的人。

That's more obvious.

這是比較明顯的。

The real danger, I think, is ambivalent relationships.

我認為，真正的危險是矛盾的關係。

So these ambivalent relationships are The people were either You don't know how you stand with them, so you don't know if they like you or not.

所以這些矛盾的關係是 這些人要麼是你不知道你和他們的立場如何，所以你不知道他們是否喜歡你。

And they're also the people where you don't know if you really enjoy hanging out with them or not.

而且他們也是你不知道自己是否真的喜歡和他們一起玩的人。

Paper had that.

紙有。

And you're like, Is this gonna be fun?

你會想，這是要去好玩嗎？

Was that fun?

好玩嗎？

Is this fun on by?

這是由好玩嗎？

Those are the ones that take the more energy.

這些都是需要更多精力的。

There are also the more dangerous ones because they tend to creep in and stay in.

還有一些比較危險的，因為它們往往會悄悄地潛入並停留在這裡。

So the whole notion of frenemies I find really, really intriguing.

是以，整個的概念 敵人的朋友，我覺得真的，真的很有趣。

And this is something certainly that I have dealt with in my life.

而這肯定是我一生都在處理的事情。

And it was weird to me how until I read that that it didn't registered.

而我也很奇怪，怎麼直到我看到這句話才登記。

Why that would be so insidious.

為什麼會這麼陰險。

So what?

那又怎樣？

The study, What the science says.

研究，科學是怎麼說的。

They did a research study with police officers, and they asked police officers to identify the amount of toxic people in their workplace and the amount of ambivalent people.

他們以警察為對象做了一個調查研究，讓警察辨別工作場所中有毒的人有多少，矛盾的人有多少。

And they found that the police officers who had more ambivalent relationships, um, we're sick more often had less happiness at work and didn't like their jobs much then police officers who had toxic people.

而且他們發現，關係比較矛盾的警察，嗯，我們有病更多的時候，工作的幸福感比較低，不怎麼喜歡自己的工作，那麼有毒害人的警察。

Just just think about that for a second.

只要你想一想就知道了。

And the reason for this is because if you have a toxic person, boundaries are easy.

而原因是，如果你有一個有毒的人，界限很容易。

They ask you out to lunch and you're like No thanks, Great.

他們請你吃午飯，你卻說 "不用了，謝謝，很好"。

Like, you know, it's a no thanks.

就像，你知道，這是一個沒有感謝。

Where's the fun?

樂趣在哪裡？

Ambivalent person asked you out to lunch or ask you to their birthday party or you ask you to work on something.

曖昧的人約你吃飯，或者約你參加他們的生日聚會，或者你約你做某件事。

It takes this mental energy where you have this thing where you're like like, will it be good?

它需要這種精神能量，你有這個東西，你喜歡喜歡，它會好嗎？

Would I rather eat alone at my desk?

我寧願一個人在辦公桌前吃飯嗎？

Or would I rather have lunch with this person?

還是說我更願意和這個人共進午餐？

And when it's not always easy, that's an incredible drain on our emotional energy.

而當它並不總是容易的時候，這對我們的情感能量是一種難以置信的消耗。

And if you're an introvert or an amber vert and amber to someone who is kind of splits between extroversion introversion.

而如果你是一個內向的人，或者是一個琥珀色的人，而琥珀色對一個外向內向的人來說是一種分裂。

Your energy is finite and our mental space is finite.

你的能量是有限的，我們的精神空間也是有限的。

Some of that I did not realize until much more recently I thought that mental space was sort of endless.

有些我不知道，直到最近我才意識到，我以為心理空間算是無窮無盡的。

Right.

好吧，我知道了

You could learn forever.

你可以永遠學習。

Um, you could think about things forever, but actually, we only have a certain amount of mental time every day.

嗯，你可以永遠想事情，但其實，我們每天只有一定的心理時間。

And if we're dedicating that to trying to figure out if someone likes us or not, which is a very important thing we all like to be liked.

而如果我們把這些都奉獻給了想知道是否有人喜歡我們，這是一個非常重要的事情，我們都喜歡被人喜歡。

Whether we admit it or not, I think is a waste of mental energy.

不管我們承認與否，我認為都是在浪費精神力量。

Why would we want to spend it towards that?

我們為什麼要把錢花在這方面呢？

That's why I think ambivalent people are more dangerous.

所以我覺得矛盾的人更危險。

Do you have a checklist?

你有清單嗎？

Because I'm thinking back to the people that managed to become frenemies in my own life.

因為我在回想那些在自己的生活中能夠成為敵人的人。

It's kind of scary how long it took me to be able to put that label on them toe sort of wake up to the fact that either they always were, or the relationship that evolved to that like years right years.

這是一種可怕的多久，我花了能夠把這個標籤上他們的腳趾排序醒來的事實，無論是他們一直是，或關係，演變到像年正確的年。

I know.

我知道，我知道

So I don't have a checklist.

所以我沒有檢查單。

It's actually just one simple question.

其實就是一個簡單的問題。

Sarah.

莎拉

Are you ever doubting that they're really happy for you?

你有沒有懷疑過他們是真的為你高興？

Wow, that cuts right to the heart of it.

哇，這就切中要害了。

I mean, that's it.

我的意思是，這是它。

And that that happens.

而這一切的發生。

Actually, quite often, like these people who make these very passive aggressive comments were like, Was that nice?

其實，很多時候，像這些發表這些很被動的評論的人都會說，這樣好嗎？

What does that mean?

這意味著什麼？

If you're ever questioning that, that means they're not truly happy for you.

如果你曾經質疑過，那說明他們並沒有真正為你高興。

Or if you have a piece of really good news, they are really true.

或者如果你有一個真正的好消息，他們是真的。

Good friend will mirror and match that excitement with you.

好朋友會和你一起映襯和匹配這種興奮。

Someone who is not as happy for you will come in with dream killer questions.

有人對你不太滿意，會帶著夢想殺手的問題來。

You know, Dream killers.

你知道，夢想殺手。

Yeah, Dream killer questions are when they question your success, they doubt the success.

是啊，夢想殺手的問題是當他們質疑你的成功，他們懷疑成功。

I think of all the negatives and dream killers are not always bad.

我想到了所有的負面因素，夢想殺手不一定是壞事。

I have dream killers in my life, and I call them when I need someone to poke holes in a business idea, right?

我的生活中有夢想殺手，當我需要有人來戳穿我的商業理念時，我就會打電話給他們，對嗎？

Like I'll pitch them because they're great practice.

就像我會投他們，因為他們是偉大的實踐。

But I know they are not the people that I go to when I have something I'm truly excited about, so that that's the only question you have to ask yourself, and it might be an inconvenient truth.

但我知道他們並不是我有真正興奮的事情時去找的人，所以這是你唯一要問自己的問題，這可能是一個不方便的事實。

Like don't answer it off the cuff.

就像不要隨口回答一樣。

Like, don't answer it really quickly.

就像，不要很快回答它。

Like, try to think of all the times in the last six months that you've seen them and shared something.

比如說，試著想想過去六個月裡，你見過他們的時候，分享過什麼。

Did you feel like they were as happy as you were about your happiness?

你是否覺得他們和你一樣對你的幸福感到高興？

I never really Uh huh.

我從來沒有真正 嗯哼。

Mhm.

嗯

Yeah.

是啊。

Okay.

好吧，我知道了