I am aware...

that I must seem like a tough, cold, son of a bitch up here.

In fact, the only time I've ever cried in public,

in my entire life, was at my moms funeral.

I might be a tough,cold,son of a bitch, but that doesn't

mean I'm not also,

one hell of an actor.

(laughs)

My mom was a depressed woman.

My mom was a very depressed woman.

My mom was so depressed, she had the words,

"In case of an accident, please do not resuscitate"

tattooed across all of her children.

Let's say my mom's funeral was like ten,

eleven years ago now.

Last year, I had her body dug up...

to settle a legal dispute with my siblings.

Turns out I was wrong.

That is illegal.

(laughs)

Now at this point I should admit my parents were actually

pretty reasonable people when they were raising me.

Unless, they found drugs in my bedroom.

Then, they were high for days.

I think the strangest thing in my family, my family

was just weird about sex. You know? I was the oldest of five

kids in a tiny little house. When my parents wanted alone

time they would gather us together, say kids go play hide

and seek, and they'd lock their bedroom door for an hour.

Of course I always knew what was going on in there, I mean,

I would hide in their room.

My parents are weird about sex.

I think the most embarrassed I've ever been in my entire

life, is the time my mom and dad caught me watching a

hardcore bondage pornography,

over their shoulder.

(laughs)

And I'll never forget, I'll never forget the first time I

had sex. You know those stories you hear,

about kids who lose their virginity to the hot babysitter?

I was the babysitter.

(claps)

Yeah, I could've opened with that if I wanted to.