Didn't matter where I was at the time, in the middle of class...

不管我在哪裡都會這樣，在上課時⋯⋯

On an airplane...

在飛機上時⋯⋯

Taking a shit in my grandpa's house...

在爺爺家大便時⋯⋯

You name it.

你隨便講都可以。

It would just happen randomly, I'd have no control over it.

我會突然流鼻血，而且我不能控制。

And if I was at home, it was no big deal.

如果我在家的話，那就沒關係。

You just fashion yourself a little nose tampon out of toilet paper and you go about your day.

你可以在鼻子塞點衛生紙，做點鼻子衛生棉，就可以繼續你的生活。

But what the fuck do you do, when you get a nosebleed at a public pool?

但如果你在公共泳池流鼻血，他 X 的該如何是好？

Panic, that's what you do!

你一定會驚慌失措！

Probably the worst possible place you can get a nosebleed!

這可能是你流鼻血的最糟地方！

Except, maybe, like a...church like at a baptism or something.

除了也許在教堂或在受洗時。

"He's the Devil!"

「他是惡魔！」

So I'm at the pool with my cousin, and we're all amped up.

所以我跟堂弟在泳池邊，我們都超興奮。

And we're about to jump in.

我們要跳進去了。

So I do this sweet Axel from the Street of Rage jump kick into the pool.

我就做了《怒之鐵拳》裡的 Axel 的飛踢，跳進泳池裡。

And when I rise to the top, blood just start gushing out of my nose!

結果當我游到水面時，血就開始從我的鼻子流出來了！

Just a spontaneous nosebleed in the middle of a fucking public pool!

只是一次隨意的流鼻血，在公共泳池的他 X 正中央！

Jesus Christ, I'd rather shit in the pool than bleed in it.

老天爺啊，我寧可在泳池大便，也不要在泳池流血。

I'd rather spell my name out...in turds...in the pool than get a nosebleed!

我寧願在泳池用大便拼出我的名字⋯⋯也不要在泳池流鼻血！

Everybody's rushing out of the pool, like the water's on fire.

每個人都衝出泳池，好像水著火一樣。

I climb out to the side, all lightheaded and shit.

我爬到邊邊，覺得頭很暈。

"Somebody kill me! I need a...fucking...blood transfusion! I'm O-positive!"

「有人殺了我！我需要⋯⋯他 X 的輸血！我是 O 型陽性血！」

"Ah, God! If I die at this pool...Somebody's gotta take care of my Tamagotchi I got at home."

「阿，天啊！如果我在這泳池死了，有人得照顧我的電子雞。」

Then this dude comes out of the middle of nowhere.

結果有個傢伙不知從哪冒出來。

And smashes, like, fifty napkins on my face.

然後大概砸了五十張紙巾在我臉上。

"What happened? Did you get shot in the face? I think somebody shot him in the face!"

「發生什麼事了？你臉部中槍嗎？我想有人射了他的臉！」

"Do you have AIDS? On a scale of one to ten how much AIDS do you have?"

「你有愛滋嗎？從一到十，你有多少愛滋？」

The whole pool is totally evacuated at this point.

整個池子到這個時候，已經被完全撤離了。

We got those hazmat people from ET coming in.

從 ET 來的災難應急部隊也到了。

I'm half-conscious from blood loss.

因為失血，我失去了一半的意識。

The pool looks like the beaches of Normandy, everybody's weekend's ruined.

泳池看起來像諾曼第的海灘，而大家的週末都毀了。

And I'm like, "Oh, come on! There's chlorine in the pool for a reason!"

我說：「噢，拜託！泳池有氯是有原因的！」

"Jesus Christ, I pissed in the pool a couple weeks ago, nobody even cared."

「老天爺，我幾週前在泳池尿尿，根本沒人在乎。」

"Now there's a couple of quarts of human blood in there and everybody wants to freak out!"

「現在裡面有幾夸脫的人血，大家都想抓狂了！」

Never went back to that pool after that.

我之後再也沒去過那個泳池。

I don't think I was welcome.

我不覺得自己會受歡迎。

They're like: "Woah, buddy! I know we're a public pool and all."

他們會說：「哇，老兄！我知道我們是公共泳池啦。」

"But we have to have some kind of fucking standards!"

「但我們還是有一些他 X 的標準！」

"You can piss in there, maybe even a half a shit."

「你可以在裡面尿尿，甚至可以大便。」

"But we're not doing any nasty nose blood."

「但我們不喜歡骯髒的鼻血。」

"We don't want hepatitis, alright."

「我們不想得肝炎，好嗎？」