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-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everyone.
Thank you for being here.
Taylor Swift is my guest tonight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I saw Taylor backstage.
I was like, "Oh, my God! I'm so glad you're here!"
And then her security tackled me and said,
"Jimmy, you need to calm down."
[ Laughter ]
Actually, everything happening in Washington right now
feels like a Taylor Swift song.
Democrats knew Trump was trouble when he walked in.
Now they have bad blood,
and Nancy Pelosi is like, "Look what you made me do."
Uh, you know what I'm saying? -What are you gonna do?
-Well, just when it felt like
this impeachment scandal couldn't get any crazier,
Trump spoke to reporters this morning
and got himself into even more trouble.
He's already in trouble
for asking Ukraine to investigate the Bidens.
So you think he'd stop there,
but as you know, Trump is gonna Trump.
Check out what happened.
-Likewise, China should start an investigation into the Bidens,
because what happened in China
is just about as bad as what happened with --
uh, with Ukraine.
[ Laughter ]
-Trump turned to his staff and was like, "Are you losers happy?
I didn't say it over the phone this time."
Staff was like, "Sir, you can't say that."
Trump was like, "What are they going to do, impeach me twice?"
Meanwhile, Nancy Pelosi is thinking, "Damn,
one more outburst like that, and we could have this impeachment
wrapped up by Halloween."
It's crazy. In the middle of being investigated
for asking foreign countries for election help,
Trump publicly asked foreign countries for election help.
That's like chugging a beer
while taking a breathalyzer test.
It's -- [ Laughter ]
Right after that, the chairwoman
of the Federal Election Commission released a statement
that said, "Let me make something 100% clear.
It is illegal to receive anything of value
from a foreign national
in connection with the U.S. election."
Trump saw that and was like, "Starting now."
[ Laughter ]
But people close to Trump are worried
that he's becoming more and more unglued.
At this point, the only glued parts of Trump
are his teeth and his hair.
It's true. Trump may be losing it.
Today, he tweeted in all caps, "ELECTION INTERFERENCE."
[ Laughter ]
It wasn't a complaint.
He just accidentally tweeted his to-do list.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-He was like, "My bad. That was supposed to be a D.M.
to Ukraine, China, Australia, and Russia."
And everyone's talking about this.
Yesterday, Trump tweeted a video about Joe Biden
that featured a Nickelback song,
but Nickelback had the video taken down.
[ Laughter ]
It's not a good sign for Trump when even Nickelback is like,
"We can't be associated with you."
But Trump is staying busy.
Today, he gave a speech about healthcare in Florida,
and when it was over, Trump swung by the Everglades
to grab some alligators for his border moat.
[ Laughter ]
People are still talking about how Trump wanted his border wall
to have a moat filled with snakes and alligators.
But today, Trump called the story fake news.
It turns out Trump wanted some other animals
to protect the border, as well.
Check it out.
-Alligators and snakes.
15,000 chickens.
Great dogs.
Tuna fish.
900 dairy cows.
Many bats. Dirty rats.
Mosquitos! Frogs.
Buffalo. Snails.
Vicious coyotes.
This great Easter bunny.
Lions. Tigers.
Lady Bears. So am I.
-There you go. Yeah. Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Mini-bears.
Lady Bears?
Mini-bats? Mini-bats.
-Many bats, not one bat.
-Oh, many bats. -Many bats.
-I thought he said mini-bats. -Oh, mini-bats.
Tiny, little bats, like, "Mini-bats."
"They're actually butterflies, Mr. President." "Oh."
[ Laughter ]
"Get all these mini-bats away from me."
[ Laughter ]
-What?
-Some 2020 news.
Last night, Joe Biden made a speech in Nevada
and told Trump, "You're not going to destroy me."
Yeah. Then Biden was like,
"I'm letting Elizabeth Warren do that instead."
In other 2020 news,
Beto O'Rourke just posted an Instagram video
of himself getting a flu shot.
It's the first time since the campaign started
that we can honestly say Beto's got a shot.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-Come on!
-And finally, you guys,
there's a lot going on in the news right now.
But instead of me just telling you about it,
I thought it'd be nice to give you a chance
to decide what we talk about.
It's time for, "You Pick the Joke."
Here we go. -♪ You pick the joke ♪
♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, you pick the joke ♪
-So, here's how it works.
I'm going to show you two news stories.
Then you guys get to pick which one we talk about.
Okay? Here we go.
Let's take a look at story number one.
-There's new reporting in the "Washington Post,"
the Trump administration is back to investigating Hillary Clinton
and her e-mail.
-Okay, here's story number two.
-A man at Disneyland Paris had the trip of his life
when he took LSD, fell into a lake, and ended up naked.
[ Laughter ]
-So which story do you guys want to talk about? One or two?
-Two! -Two!
-Good choice.
-Two? They want to talk about two?
-Yeah, they went with two. -Surprised.
-Friday, a guy at Disneyland took LSD, fell into a lake,
and got naked.
Eventually, the police were like,
"Mr. Giuliani, it's time for you to go home."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
"I just -- I just took one hit of acid.
I didn't even know what's happening."
Let's do another pair of stories.
Once again, you guys get to pick, okay?
Here's story number one.
-Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says
Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren
would be bad for big tech if she is elected.
-Okay, now here's story number two.
-People living in an Ottawa community
say they've noticed several raccoons
who appear to be quite tipsy.
Experts say they're probably getting drunk
off of fermented berries. [ Laughter ]
-Which story do you want to talk about, one or two?
-Two! -Two!
-Alright, two, great choice.
That's right. A bunch of raccoons got drunk.
Today, one raccoon woke up next to a squirrel
and was like, "We didn't, did we?"
[ Laughter ]
Let's do one last batch.
It's your choice. Here's story number one.
-President Trump and his allies in recent days have alleged
the intelligence community recently changed the rules,
requiring whistleblowers to base their claims
on firsthand information.
-Now here's story number two.
-Drivers in Michigan were surprised to see
adult entertainment on the highway.
Drivers say a digital billboard was broadcasting porn.
[ Laughter ]
-You guys want to talk about one or two?
-Two! -Two!
-That's right, a roadside billboard in Michigan
was showing adult videos.
When you drive by, your GPS goes,
"You have arrived two minutes ahead of schedule."
[ Laughter ]
"Don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys."
Guys, that has been, "You Pick the Joke."
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President Trump Suggests China Investigate the Bidens

19 分類 收藏
林宜悉 發佈於 2020 年 7 月 3 日
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