so I thought, if you guys wouldn't mind, I'd just like

to write out my weekly thank-you notes right now.

Is that cool with you? [ Cheers and applause ]

James, can I get some thank-you-note-writing music,

please?

[ Soft music plays ]

-Wow. -It's beautiful.

-I guess he's not live. [ Music stops ]

[ Soft music plays ]

-Thank you, formal impeachment, for sounding like

a fancy dessert you'd order in the South.

I'll have the formal impeachment,

and the lady will have the chocolate Ukraine.

[ Soft music plays ]

Thank you, Apple's flagship store,

reopening after renovations.

I hope that turning the store off

and back on again fixed the problem.

"Thank you for waiting.

Have you turned it off?"

[ Soft music plays ]

Thank you, props at a wedding photo booth.

You're right -- the fanciest clothing I own

does look better paired with

a Viking helmet and a mustache on a stick.

Come on, man.

-You're dressed up. Get out of here.

[ Soft music plays ]

-Thank you, meditation apps that start free

but then cost money.

Who knew that charging my credit card $12.99 a month

was part of my path to enlightenment?

I think I feel less stress? -Yeah.

[ Soft music plays ]

-Thank you, checking the fridge over and over

to see if I have anything to eat,

for making me ask myself, "Am I really hungry enough

to eat that Chinese food for a fourth day?"

It can't be good. There's no way.

-I'll cut off the mold. -Yeah. Eh, no one's here.

[ Soft music plays ]

Thank you, hayrides, for not going by your real name,

allergy wagons.

There you go.

Those are my thank-you notes right there, everybody.