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  • -You guys, tonight was Game 1 of the World Series between

  • the Houston Astros and the Washington Nationals.

  • And this is nice.

  • Even though their team's not in it,

  • Yankee fans promise to boo whoever wins.

  • Well, earlier tonight, ABC aired the classic Halloween special

  • "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown."

  • They actually updated it a bit.

  • At the end of this version, the great pumpkin gets impeached.

  • -Oh. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -That's right -- the impeachment inquiry is in full swing.

  • And I heard that today actually marks

  • the one-month anniversary of the impeachment.

  • Yeah. When he heard that, Trump was like,

  • "I can't believe nobody got me a present.

  • Not even a card from Pierre Delecto?"

  • Now, Democrats say the impeachment

  • might take longer than expected because each witness

  • keeps providing even more leads.

  • So, basically, Trump's legal strategy

  • is commit so many crimes,

  • they can never finish the investigation.

  • "They're almost done? Tell Don Jr. to rob a bank!"

  • And, today, the top official from the U.S. embassy in Ukraine

  • testified, and one Congressman called it

  • his most disturbing day in Congress.

  • And that's counting the day Mitch McConnell

  • walked out of the sauna without a towel.

  • "Is that his -- Good God."

  • Now a new report claims Vladimir Putin is the one

  • who convinced Trump that Ukraine was corrupt.

  • You can tell Putin has a lot of influence over Trump

  • because he also convinced him to trade all of his

  • Halloween Milky Ways for a roll of Necco Wafers.

  • He's like, "It's even trade. It's even.

  • You get, actually, more candy than I do.

  • There's like 30 wafers in there.

  • It is a beautiful peppermint-chalk candy."

  • And now some 2020 news.

  • There is a new poll out in Iowa that shows

  • Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren are nearly tied

  • in the race, with Pete Buttigieg not far behind.

  • It's a pretty interesting poll. Take a look.

  • 18% of people said, "I support Biden."

  • 17% said, "I support Warren."

  • 13% said, "I support Buttigieg."

  • And 32% said, "I'm still undecided."

  • 24% said, "Seriously?

  • The election has been going on for months."

  • 19% said, "Oh, excuse me, Jodi, but before I pick a candidate,

  • I want to get to know them."

  • 28% said, "Sure, Carl, just like you've been

  • getting to know your co-worker Diane."

  • 37% said, "Hey, you know Diane and I are just friends.

  • We have to work close together to do a good job."

  • 14% said, "You work at The Cheesecake Factory.

  • How hard is that?"

  • 21% said, "Um, have you seen the size of that menu?

  • Every day is a culinary minefield.

  • Why am I even defending myself? What about your job?

  • How's your start-up going?"

  • Then 15% said, "It's going great.

  • Everyone agrees that CBD toilet paper is the next big thing."

  • 31% said, "Well, I think it's gonna go down the toilet,

  • just like our savings and this relationship."

  • 40% said, "I'm hanging up, Carl."

  • And 60% said, "I hung up 10 years ago!"

  • And, finally, 2% said, "I support Kamala Harris."

  • -Oh. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -That, of course, is our latest installment of our segment

  • "Interesting Polls."

  • Well, in a new interview, Trump said he doesn't want copies

  • of "The New York Times" or "The Washington Post"

  • in The White House.

  • Oh, no.

  • Trump only keeps one newspaper in The White House,

  • and that he uses to train Rudy Giuliani.

  • [ As Trump ] Bad Rudy, bad Rudy. You piddled on the carpet again.

  • Now get in your cage.

  • [ Normal voice ] Well, if things aren't crazy enough,

  • last night, Trump apparently retweeted an account called --

  • this is real -- DJTrumpsButt.

  • When I saw it, my first thought was, "Wow.

  • Mitt Romney really really likes coming up with

  • new Twitter accounts.

  • Oh, and I saw that the new logo for the Paris 2024 Olympics

  • was just revealed.

  • Check it out. Ooh! I like it.

  • It's better than the original design,

  • a baguette smoking a cigarette.

  • Can we see the logo again?

  • Something about the logo looks familiar.

  • Yeah. And can we turn it sideways?

  • Yeah, that's it. There you go. That's what it is.

  • I knew I knew what it was. -Yeah.

  • -Well, this is exciting.

  • After months of renovations, the Museum of Modern Art

  • has officially reopened here in New York.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • And not only did they update the building,

  • but, apparently, they also updated the names

  • of the paintings.

  • I'll show you what I mean.

  • Here's Van Gogh's "Starry Night."

  • Now it's called "Mixing NyQuil with White Claw."

  • -Oh.

  • -Next up, here's Warhol's "Campbell's Soup Cans."

  • Now it's called "Bernie Sanders' Glove Compartment."

  • [ As Sanders ] Hand me a creamy tomato.

  • [ Normal voice ] Here's Jackson Pollock's

  • "One: Number 31, 1950."

  • Now it's called "New York Jets' Playbook."

  • And, finally, here's "The Bather."

  • Now it's called "Dad wakes up at 3:00 a.m. to get a Fresca."

  • Oh, this is going viral.

  • A mom in Illinois was up all night

  • after seeing a ghost in her baby's crib.

  • Did anyone see this online? It's pretty creepy.

  • Check this out. Look. Can you see the baby?

  • Yeah, look at this, right?

  • Yeah, but then when she finally went into

  • the room the next morning and pulled back the covers,

  • she found the cause.

  • And this is true. It was a mattress tag.

  • Take a look.

  • Yeah.

  • Meanwhile, her baby was like,

  • "You waited all night before coming into my room?"

  • With a ghost baby next to me?!"

  • And, finally, this weekend, Snoop Dogg

  • celebrated his 48th birthday.

  • Oh, happy birthday. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • He received a bouquet of 48 joints.

  • Although, what he was really hoping for

  • was an edibles arrangement.

  • There you go.

-You guys, tonight was Game 1 of the World Series between

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特朗普的彈劾調查迎來一個月里程碑 (Trump's Impeachment Inquiry Hits One-Month Milestone)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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