字幕列表 影片播放 列印英文字幕 -You guys, tonight was Game 1 of the World Series between the Houston Astros and the Washington Nationals. And this is nice. Even though their team's not in it, Yankee fans promise to boo whoever wins. Well, earlier tonight, ABC aired the classic Halloween special "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown." They actually updated it a bit. At the end of this version, the great pumpkin gets impeached. -Oh. [ Cheers and applause ] -That's right -- the impeachment inquiry is in full swing. And I heard that today actually marks the one-month anniversary of the impeachment. Yeah. When he heard that, Trump was like, "I can't believe nobody got me a present. Not even a card from Pierre Delecto?" Now, Democrats say the impeachment might take longer than expected because each witness keeps providing even more leads. So, basically, Trump's legal strategy is commit so many crimes, they can never finish the investigation. "They're almost done? Tell Don Jr. to rob a bank!" And, today, the top official from the U.S. embassy in Ukraine testified, and one Congressman called it his most disturbing day in Congress. And that's counting the day Mitch McConnell walked out of the sauna without a towel. "Is that his -- Good God." Now a new report claims Vladimir Putin is the one who convinced Trump that Ukraine was corrupt. You can tell Putin has a lot of influence over Trump because he also convinced him to trade all of his Halloween Milky Ways for a roll of Necco Wafers. He's like, "It's even trade. It's even. You get, actually, more candy than I do. There's like 30 wafers in there. It is a beautiful peppermint-chalk candy." And now some 2020 news. There is a new poll out in Iowa that shows Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren are nearly tied in the race, with Pete Buttigieg not far behind. It's a pretty interesting poll. Take a look. 18% of people said, "I support Biden." 17% said, "I support Warren." 13% said, "I support Buttigieg." And 32% said, "I'm still undecided." 24% said, "Seriously? The election has been going on for months." 19% said, "Oh, excuse me, Jodi, but before I pick a candidate, I want to get to know them." 28% said, "Sure, Carl, just like you've been getting to know your co-worker Diane." 37% said, "Hey, you know Diane and I are just friends. We have to work close together to do a good job." 14% said, "You work at The Cheesecake Factory. How hard is that?" 21% said, "Um, have you seen the size of that menu? Every day is a culinary minefield. Why am I even defending myself? What about your job? How's your start-up going?" Then 15% said, "It's going great. Everyone agrees that CBD toilet paper is the next big thing." 31% said, "Well, I think it's gonna go down the toilet, just like our savings and this relationship." 40% said, "I'm hanging up, Carl." And 60% said, "I hung up 10 years ago!" And, finally, 2% said, "I support Kamala Harris." -Oh. [ Cheers and applause ] -That, of course, is our latest installment of our segment "Interesting Polls." Well, in a new interview, Trump said he doesn't want copies of "The New York Times" or "The Washington Post" in The White House. Oh, no. Trump only keeps one newspaper in The White House, and that he uses to train Rudy Giuliani. [ As Trump ] Bad Rudy, bad Rudy. You piddled on the carpet again. Now get in your cage. [ Normal voice ] Well, if things aren't crazy enough, last night, Trump apparently retweeted an account called -- this is real -- DJTrumpsButt. When I saw it, my first thought was, "Wow. Mitt Romney really really likes coming up with new Twitter accounts. Oh, and I saw that the new logo for the Paris 2024 Olympics was just revealed. Check it out. Ooh! I like it. It's better than the original design, a baguette smoking a cigarette. Can we see the logo again? Something about the logo looks familiar. Yeah. And can we turn it sideways? Yeah, that's it. There you go. That's what it is. I knew I knew what it was. -Yeah. -Well, this is exciting. After months of renovations, the Museum of Modern Art has officially reopened here in New York. [ Cheers and applause ] And not only did they update the building, but, apparently, they also updated the names of the paintings. I'll show you what I mean. Here's Van Gogh's "Starry Night." Now it's called "Mixing NyQuil with White Claw." -Oh. -Next up, here's Warhol's "Campbell's Soup Cans." Now it's called "Bernie Sanders' Glove Compartment." [ As Sanders ] Hand me a creamy tomato. [ Normal voice ] Here's Jackson Pollock's "One: Number 31, 1950." Now it's called "New York Jets' Playbook." And, finally, here's "The Bather." Now it's called "Dad wakes up at 3:00 a.m. to get a Fresca." Oh, this is going viral. A mom in Illinois was up all night after seeing a ghost in her baby's crib. Did anyone see this online? It's pretty creepy. Check this out. Look. Can you see the baby? Yeah, look at this, right? Yeah, but then when she finally went into the room the next morning and pulled back the covers, she found the cause. And this is true. It was a mattress tag. Take a look. Yeah. Meanwhile, her baby was like, "You waited all night before coming into my room?" With a ghost baby next to me?!" And, finally, this weekend, Snoop Dogg celebrated his 48th birthday. Oh, happy birthday. [ Cheers and applause ] He received a bouquet of 48 joints. Although, what he was really hoping for was an edibles arrangement. There you go.