I'd just like to write out

my weekly thank-you notes right now.

Is that okay with you?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Uh, James, can I get some

thank-you-note-writing music, please?

[ Melancholy music plays ]

-Wow.

Does he have a van Dyke?

-Is he growing a beard? -He's growing a van Dyke.

I did not think he could get more handsome.

I was wrong.

-I don't quite understand it.

It looks like --

like a ventriloquist doll. -Yeah.

[ Laughter ]

You mean it highlights the chin.

-Highlight -- It looks like it's not attached to his --

Looks like he's a nutcracker.

-I know he's a ball buster.

[ Laughter ]

-Caution. James, that looks nice.

It looks...

-Gorgeous.

-I can't do that. I can't grow that -- the thing.

The goatee. -Can't do it?

-I don't think so.

Can we see if we can get a mustache and a beard?

We have ward-- like, hair and makeup?

-Mustache and a goat?

-Yeah, I'm gonna see if I can put on a little goat

before the thank-you notes are over.

Why not.

I could rock one with James.

Or just give me a James. Just a full-on James.

-Just James me. Full-on James, man.

-Go in, you go to the barber, you ask for a James.

You end up with that. -Yeah.

[ Melancholy music resumes ]

-Thank you, US Open logo,

for looking like a tennis ball in motion

and also a bird's-eye view of Trump's head.

[ Laughter and applause ]

-"Aerodynamic."

"Very aerodynamic. I used a Sharpie."

[ Melancholy music plays ]

-Thank you, Pennywise the Clown,

for showing us what would happen

if Ronald McDonald had male-pattern baldness.

[ Laughter and applause ]

[ Melancholy music plays ]

Thank you, first day of school,

for being when parents are like,

"I know I told you to not trust strangers,

but I need you to get on this stranger's bus right now."

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Go.

-I never wanted to get on the bus when I was a kid.

-No, we never took the bus.

-No, you never went -- home schooled, right?

-Home schooled myself.

-Raised by wolves. -Raised by two wolves.

And then when the movie "Dances with Wolves" came out,

I was like, "Oh, my God, this is like home."

-It's like watching home videos. -Yeah.

-"America's Funniest Home Videos."

-Exactly. Awoo! Tanaka.

-I, uh -- I remember my mom was like --

I was crying, and she was like, "Just get on the bus,"

and I was like, "No, I don't want to go on,"

and this is, like, eighth grade.

It was, like, kindergarten or something like that,

and I remember I just did, like, an X with my body.

-Oh. -And, like, there was no way

you could physically fit me into the bus door.

Unless you held me kind of sideways

and shoveled me in that way.

It was impossible, so I just kept sticking.

She was like, "Get on." I'm like, "No!"

She was like, "Get on." I'm like, "No,

I don't want to get on!"

Bus driver's, like, in shock.

He's like, "Just let the kid stay home."

-Did you end up on the bus?

-Uh, I ended up --

no, I hitchhiked to Woodstock.

-Woodstock, really?

-Found myself, yeah.

Oh, do we have a goatee?

Oh, fantastic. Let's see what it looks like.

-Full James.

-Cindy Lou, everybody. There's Cindy Lou.

That's fine, yeah.

♪♪

Thank you, appreciate it. Thank you.

Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you, James.

James, can I get some

thank-you-note-writing music, please?

[ Melancholy music plays ]

♪♪

[ Gasps ]

-My God.

You look like Mitch Miller.

-[ Laughs ]

Oh, you know what?

James, maybe --

Alright, let me just go full James.

[ Laughter ]

Hi, I'm Jebediah Fallon, and welcome back to, uh --

You should do the mustache.

You ever had a -- Let me get this mustache...

♪♪

I'm trying to think of new...

Alright, don't wear it yet, Bill.

Cut to me. Cut to me. Cut to me.

Yeah, don't reveal it yet. Alright.

Ah, man, welcome back to "The Tonight Show."

This is awesome. -How crazy.

-Uh... -What a crazy commercial break.

[ Laughter ]

-James, could -- could I have some some

thank-you-note-writing music, please?

[ Melancholy music plays ]

[ Laughter ]

-There's gold in them thar hills!

[ Laughter ]

-Oh.

Hoo, doggy!

-Oh, man.

[ Melancholy music plays ]

-Thank you, college dorms,

for being the only places acceptable to decorate a room

with Christmas lights, cinder blocks,

and a sheet thumb-tacked to the wall.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Dag-gummit!

Dag-gummit, I'm sick of this -- all this darn tarnation!

Why don't you get your fiddles up on that hill

before I hear things and get the dang thing outta here!

[ Laughter ]

[ Squelches ]

Put all these here for later.

[ Melancholy music plays ]

Thank you, people who ask, "What's the dress code?"

for really asking, "How bad can I look

without getting in trouble?"

Shorts? Come on. What's the big deal?

-"Do I have to wear shoes?"

[ Melancholy music plays ]

-Thank you, eating at a restaurant,

for being the only time I'm like, "You know what?

I will eat a loaf of bread before my meal."

There you guys have it.

Those are my thank-you notes.