Welcome to The Ellen DeGeneres Show

where Andy and I are still playing the world's longest

game of keep away.

Hi Andy.

Hi there.

Hi, dear.

Hi, dear.

Today is Memorial Day, Happy Memorial Day to everyone.

It's a national holiday that means that we

get to have a long weekend.

This year it's going to be about 30 to 60 days.

[LAUGHTER]

Memorial Day is the unofficial start of summer,

so it's time to get out your bikinis

and then put them over your face because that's the law now.

[LAUGHTER]

Since summer is here, you're finally allowed to wear white.

Although if you've been eating Cheetos like I have,

you probably shouldn't.

It is a tough time right now.

Being in quarantine is making everyone go a little crazy.

I don't need to tell you that, you can probably

tell by the mop with a face on it standing behind me

and the man in my garden.

But I want to help keep us all sane,

or somewhat sane, so I'm looking for happy and uplifting stories

to share with you.

As someone once said, sometimes the best stories

are right in front of you.

I don't know who said that.

Maybe they were smart, maybe they were lazy.

I don't know.

[LAUGHTER]

Anyway, it turns out that recently some people who

work on this show had babies, and that

is definitely good news.

It's amazing news, so to all the new moms, congratulations,

you've done something that I can't imagine--

going through quarantine without alcohol.

[LAUGHTER]

I'm sure none of these people had any idea

that they'd be having their babies in quarantine

nine months ago.

When was nine months ago?

Andy, when was nine months ago?

That's--

Yeah, it was a while ago.

Backwards.

Yeah.

July?

Yeah, let's call it July now.

OK.

It's sometime in the summer.

Thank you.

So those of you on my staff who had babies, I want to say,

I know what you did last summer.

[LAUGHTER]

The dirty stuff.

These are the jokes.

Yeah, they're good jokes.

It was a long way to go for a joke, really,

and I'm not sure it was a joke, but it was humor.

Yeah, you know what they were doing, they were doing the--

Yeah, and that was-- it was a movie,

so what I did is I took the movie title--

Yes.

And I inserted it--

Yes.

After in an explanation of--

It implied--

When they had a baby.

Yes, intercourse.

Oh, OK.

[LAUGHTER]

You know, traditionally on the show,

I celebrate new babies by rating them on a scale of one to 10,

and that's what I am going to do right now.

It is time for our segment Ellen, Rate My Baby.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Boop.

This is not a competition.

There are no losers, but there will be a winner.

All right first our E-commerce Manager Paxton

and his partner Lindsay had a baby girl named Bo.

I shall now rate their baby.

Well, she looks a little confused,

which is a very appropriate expression right now, so that's

plus 8 points.

She doesn't have any products from the Ellen Shop near her.

Apparently our E-commerce Manager

can't get his hands on his own products

that he manages to sell, so minus 2 points.

But maybe Paxton is so good at selling the Ellen Shop

products that there weren't any left for his own baby.

Exactly.

That's commitment right there, so plus 20 points.

It's a total of 26 out of 10 points.

That's a good score.

Our Executive Producer Derek became a grandfather.

Yep.

How is that possible?

You've been telling everybody you're 38 years old.

I know.

He does look amazing.

He really does.

Handsome.

Handsome and young.

Derek's daughter Lindsay had a baby boy named Havey.

I've seen a picture, and it was a gorgeous little baby.

Look at that.

I shall rate Derek's grandbaby.

Yeah.

I see Derek's face in Harvey.

Derek had that same look when we told him

he had to figure out a way to shoot this show from my house

using Zoom.

[LAUGHTER]

That was his expression right there.

You want to what?

Hamana, hamana, hamana.

[LAUGHTER]

Family resemblance is plus 6 points.

I'm mad that I can't pinch his little fat rolls while we're

in quarantine, so that's minus 2 points.

It's an automatic one point for each roll, that's 22 points,

it's a total of 26 out of 10 points.

That seems like a tie so far.

Ding.

Ding.

Just go--

[AIR HORN]

I'm just trying to find a ding.

Yeah, horn.

Our Associate Producer Taylor did not have a baby,

but she did adopt a new dog from Wagmore a few weeks ago.

This is her one-year-old.

This is Gambler.

I shall now rate Gambler.

Look at those eyes, that's plus 500 points.

Those ears, plus 500 points.

Those little black nails, they're fancy, 1,000 points.

That is a total of 2000 points out of 10 points.

[LAUGHTER]

Gambler is the winner.

So Gambler beats the staff babies.

Meow.

If you have a baby you want me to rate,

post a photo on Instagram with the hashtag #EllenRateMyBaby.

If you don't have the baby and you want me to rate it,

make one, and I'll get to it in January.

[LAUGHTER]

January.

Right now, I'm going to say hi to someone who knows a--

he knows a thing or two about babies, doesn't he?

Oh yeah.

tWitch knows a thing about all kinds of things.

Yeah, that's one fertile DJ.

All kinds of things.

Yeah.

What's up, Ellen?

Hi.

Hi, tWitch.

What's new with your children?

Oh, man.

Well, in developmental situations,

Zaia is now using this walker thing,

so she's mobile now, so the chase

has gotten even more real.

It's so crazy, because it's like in an instant

she goes from being this little cute blob that can't really

move at all to now knowing her way around the house

and just wanting to be in everything,

which is both inspiring and very stressful at the same time.

Wow.

Well, the last time we spoke, you were handing her

back and forth because you said she'd

like to move around a lot, so Allison and you

were moving her back and forth.

She's now using a walker.

She's like an-- is it like a thing she sits in and kicks

with her feet like The Flintstones or is she like--

Yeah, the running thing, and she just runs,

she does the Fred Flintstone thing

and come is able to move all around on the floor.

Yeah, she loves it.

Oh my God.

That's hilarious and yet frightening,

because she could just go right into a wall.

100%, yeah.

But you know, they've got to learn, so you know.

But it's got a safety thing around, right?

Oh, it's got a safety thing?

So she won't hit the wall.

It does, yeah.

Yeah.

It's like what you make me use in your house, Ellen.

Oh, OK.

I know.

OK.

[LAUGHTER]

So, hey tWitch, have you heard about this thing, the fruit

snack challenge, have you heard about it?

I have heard about the fruit snack challenge.

Yeah, I have.

Yeah, I just heard about it.

You're supposed put a snack in front of your kid,

and then you tell him not to eat it, and you leave the room.

Absolutely.

So I want you to test it with your kids.

I want you to see, and then we'll

show the video next week, OK?

OK, so we'll-- here's the thing--

we'll try it.

Maddox is a little clever though,

so we'll see how it goes.