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  • Hi, everyone, and welcome.

  • I want to make you feel good for an hour-- at least an hour,

  • really.

  • But well, you know what?

  • If it lasts more than four hours,

  • remember to call a doctor.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • I'm bringing back some classic punchlines this week.

  • I swore I'd never use them again,

  • but desperate times calls for desperate jokes.

  • This is my second month of quarantine shows, and--

  • [APPLAUSE]

  • No, don't applaud for that.

  • I think you're doing a great job.

  • Thank you.

  • You're welcome.

  • Yeah.

  • But here's the thing.

  • If it's anything like the first month,

  • I'm going to be eating, like, 40 pieces of cake for no reason

  • and only change my socks twice.

  • [LAUGHS]

  • There's no reason to change them, really,

  • when they don't get dirty.

  • Well, they sweat.

  • But they don't.

  • OK.

  • They don't.

  • Look, they're fine.

  • You have nice feet.

  • But it's a sock.

  • OK.

  • Anyway, it turns out that it's May, in case you lost track out

  • there.

  • You can tell it's May because people are wearing floral print

  • face masks.

  • [LAUGHS]

  • May is usually the beginning of graduation season.

  • But unfortunately, most of the country is social distancing.

  • A lot of graduation ceremonies have been

  • canceled, if not all, I think.

  • I think they all have been.

  • Yeah, yeah.

  • If you are graduating this year, first of all,

  • I want to say congratulations.

  • And I also want to say how sorry I

  • am that you're not going to be able to have a graduation

  • ceremony.

  • I know how important that is.

  • And Andy knows this--

  • Yes.

  • I actually get asked every year to give commencement speeches.

  • But they're usually during the week,

  • and I can't do it, because it's the same time

  • that I tape the show.

  • And also, I have a fear of getting hit

  • in the eye with one of those graduation caps,

  • because they're extremely pointy,

  • and no one really pays atten-- they just

  • throw them in the air.

  • And I don't know how many people have had a cap in the eye,

  • but I have--

  • not from graduation.

  • It was something else.

  • [LAUGHS]

  • It's not important.

  • But since I'm home and you're home,

  • I thought I could say a few words

  • to all the year's graduates.

  • And put your caps and gowns on if you have them nearby.

  • I'll put mine on real quick.

  • [VOCALIZING]

  • [LAUGHS]

  • Thank you.

  • Good afternoon, students.

  • [SPEAKING SPANISH]

  • The book is in the library.

  • [SPEAKING SPANISH]

  • You know what this is?

  • My homework from my online Spanish.

  • Here it is.

  • [LAUGHS]

  • Sorry about that.

  • Class of 2020, parents, teachers, custodians, lunch

  • ladies, principals, and crossing guards--

  • and where are my softball coaches at?

  • [LAUGHS]

  • Today is the first day of the rest of your life,

  • or maybe tomorrow, or the day after that.

  • Let's call it sometime mid-June.

  • That's not important.

  • The important thing is that you've studied incredibly

  • hard to get to this day.

  • If you're graduating high school, congratulations.

  • High school graduation was my favorite graduation ceremony.

  • It was the only graduation ceremony, really.

  • And to the college grads out there, as I mentioned,

  • I did not graduate from college, but I

  • went for almost two weeks.

  • So I get it.

  • If you're graduating from college, I'm so impressed.

  • You're 21, and you've already accomplished

  • more than I had at that age.

  • When I was 21, my biggest accomplishment

  • was I got front row tickets to see Peter Frampton.

  • He was like the Harry Styles of 1979.

  • Put that in perspective.

  • [VOCALIZING]

  • He had a thing in his mouth--

  • [VOCALIZING]

  • --that he played when he played guitar.

  • [VOCALIZING]

  • [LAUGHS]

  • I think it sounded like that.

  • To the college grads, I want to salute you

  • for getting your degree in science, history,

  • or whatever you're graduating in.

  • We need smart people.

  • Actually, you don't even have to be that smart.

  • Just don't tell people to drink bleach.

  • The bar is set pretty low at this moment.

  • [LAUGHS]

  • Obviously, a lot of grads-- this is a tough time

  • to be starting out, unless, of course,

  • you got your degree at TikTok.

  • Then you're set for the rest of your life.

  • [LAUGHS]

  • But the job of graduation speaker

  • is to give you some wisdom that I have acquired over the years,

  • so that's what I am going to do.

  • Here's a little bit of what I know.

  • People who live in glass houses should never throw stones.

  • But they should always wear pants.

  • If you put your money where your mouth is,

  • you might end up swallowing a penny.

  • The shortest distance between two points is a straight line,

  • and the longest distance between two points

  • is the ladies room at a WNBA game.

  • Here's something that I've learned

  • that I hope I can help with.

  • It'll put everything in perspective.

  • There are going to be bad times in life,

  • like what's happening right now.

  • In my life, I've been through some incredible highs

  • and some tremendous lows.

  • And the one thing that's true about both of them

  • is that they pass.

  • So cherish the good times.

  • And in the bad times, remember they won't last forever.

  • It does get better.

  • And for all of this year's graduates, believe me,

  • your best days are still ahead of you.

  • I know when I'm feeling down and I'm looking for inspiration,

  • I turn to the Dalai Lama, who said, "Never lose faith

  • in the truth.

  • In the end, everything will be all right,

  • because players going to play, play, play, play, play,

  • and the haters going to hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.

  • And I'm just going to shake, shake, shake, shake,

  • shake it off, shake it off."

  • [LAUGHS]

  • And now, by the power vested in me by the state of California

  • and my friends at Shutterfly, I now pronounce you graduated.

  • Mazel tov!

  • Mazel tov.

  • Mazel tov!

  • Mazel tov, graduates.

  • Yeah.

  • Andy, do you want to add anything?

  • Do you have anything to say to the--

  • did you graduate college?

  • I did not graduate college.

  • I did not.

  • OK, well--

  • But I would say follow your dream--

  • first of all, I thought you did a great job.

  • But follow your dreams.

  • Don't let anyone try and talk you out of them.

  • Mm-hmm.

  • If you're in your 40s and you're still

  • living in your parents' house, maybe then find another dream.

  • OK.

  • That's good advice.

  • I was told that today is Teacher Appreciation Day.

  • Is there a teacher, tWitch, that you

  • want to give a shout out to?

  • Yes.

  • There's a teacher I want to give a special shout out to.

  • This is actually one of my first dance teachers, and also

  • the dance team coach.

  • It was my senior year of high school.

  • She took a chance on me.

  • Her name is Brenda Aiken Rambo.

  • I love you.

  • Thank you for taking a chance on me, because looking back on it,

  • I was the only dude, and I was a senior

  • in high school trying to try out for an all-girl dance team.

  • And I can only imagine the fires that she

  • might have had to put out to put parents at ease.

  • And also know that I didn't have any training coming into it.

  • But I appreciate whatever the potential that she saw in me

  • was.

  • And yeah, I really do.

  • That was big of her.

  • So yeah.

  • Yeah, that's very cool.

  • And look where you are now, huh?

  • It's amazing.

  • [INAUDIBLE]

  • It could be all because of her.

  • 100%.

  • Very, very possible.

  • [MUSIC PLAYING]

  • [INAUDIBLE] raise the roof?

  • No--

  • [INAUDIBLE]

  • No, that's not what you do.

  • OK, [INAUDIBLE].

  • I was also told that today is Chicken Appreciation Day.

  • Is there a special chicken that you'd

  • like to give a shout out to?

  • I'll tell you, I'd like to give a shout out

  • to the funky chicken.

  • I don't know if it's a real chicken or just a dance,

  • but I appreciate the funky chicken.

  • [LAUGHS]

  • Hey, I've got a joke for you.

  • By the way-- all right.

  • Listen to this joke.

  • Do you know why a chicken coop only has two doors?

  • Why does a chicken coop [INAUDIBLE]----

  • Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

  • Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

  • I--

  • Oh, man.

  • I didn't graduate college.

  • [LAUGHTER]

Hi, everyone, and welcome.

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艾倫在家中為2020屆畢業生慶祝開學典禮演講。 (Ellen Celebrates the Class of 2020 with a Commencement Speech from Home)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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