Mogg: Hey Mr. J.

Chad: So now you're doing all this merch marketing like these three awesome DEATH BATTLE t-shirts can get kind of stressful so we added two new office amenities what i think will help take the edge off.

Like the new office jacuzzi?

Mogg: Sheesh, no thanks!

You have a smell of wet sock before?

Chad: All right maybe relaxing massage then?

Mogg: Nyeeh I got a fear of hands.

Chad: All right how about a nice hot sauna?

Mogg: It's a (bleep) toast oven Chad.

Mogg Slothman and now I got the sexiest shirt in the market: DEATH BATTLE shirts.

You wear this you're gonna find yourself in a sex battle.

I don't know what that is? But I know you'll love it okay?

Now click that link below and buy this shirt or they gonna eat me.

(Cues: Invader - Jim Johnston)

Wiz: The freezing chill of death is a horrifying thought.

Whether it comes from being alone in the mountains, submerged in the Antarctic,

Boomstick: ...Or if you're really unlucky, gettin' iced by one of these "cool" warriors.

Wow. Sorry, that was bad even for me.

Wiz: Sub-Zero, the cryomancer ninja of Mortal Kombat.

Boomstick: And Glacius, the icy alien with a Killer Instinct.

He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.

Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor & skills to find out who would win... A DEATH BATTLE.

For untold generations the Lin Kuei assassins waged war with their rival splinter group, the Shirai Ryu.

Desperate to claim victory in the bloody conflict, the Lin Kuei resorted to drastic means of recruitment for able-bodied soldiers,

no matter what age they were.

Boomstick: Soooo... kidnappin' children?

Wiz: Kidnapping children.

Boomstick: Well at least they got to be ninjas! I bet their tiny little bodies would even stealthier.

Wiz: Turns out two of these kids just so happened to be descendants from a race of extradimensional beings experienced in the art of ice magic.

Their names were Bi-Han and Kuai Liang.

Boomstick: With the Lin Kuei's training, these brothers became cold-blooded assassins and the finest warriors in the clan.

Wiz: And whether it started as a joke or he just thought it was badass, Bi-Han adopted a brand new name: Sub-Zero.

Boomstick: Sounds like an online username from your teenage years and you regret forever when you're older.

Wiz: Sub-Zero was so fierce and driven he became directly responsible for the complete annihilation of the rival Shirai Ryu clan.

Boomstick: Unfortunately for him one of them called Scorpion survived.

Well, kind of, and decided to kill him right back, which obviously pissed off Kuai Liang who decided to do the

same to Scorpion and, god it's like high school drama, but with murder.

Wiz: Striving to honor his fallen brother, Kuai Liang assumed his brother's mantle as the champion of the Lin Kuei.

Sub-Zero was reborn.

MK Announcer: SUB-ZERO.

Wiz: This new Sub-Zero is a master of Shotokan karate and Dragon kung-fu and enchances his martial arts with his deadly cryomantic abilities.

Boomstick: Subby can freeze the moisture in the air to do tons of stuff.

He can make his own personal slip-n-slide (perfect for surprise attacks!),

he can form all sorts of weapons out of thin air, like daggers, swords or even ice hammers.

But best of all, the dude can make ice so cold it instantly freezes anybody who touches it.

Wiz: This can be achieved through Sub-Zero's Ice Blast projectile or the Ice Klone technique;

both of which completely immobilize his opponent for devastating follow-up attacks.

Boomstick: Did... did he just make a perfect sculpture of himself?

Why doesn't he go into the ice sculpting business?

Dude would make a killing!

Well, just... you know... not the literal kind. He's got that down already.

Wiz: Sub-Zero can also implement his cryomancy and ninja talents and what appears to be near-instant teleportation,

an unexpected ability which baffles even his fellow assassins.

Boomstick: Yeah, but I bet that's still not as unexpected as turning into freakin' a polar bear!

Like... how though?

I wanna do that!

Wiz: And best of all, after subduing his enemy, Sub-Zero has no qualms about tearing them to bloody shreds with one of his Fatalities.

Boomstick: Taking after his dear old bro's favorite form of murder,

Sub-Zero can rip a person's head off with their entire spinal column in tow.

This one's for you Bi-Han!

If he's feeling particularly nasty, Sub-Zero will toy with his opponent.

He'll encase their lower half in ice and force them to watch helplessly as he tears them in half.

Or for a quick death, he'll put 'em in a deep freeze that shatters like glass.

Wiz: At most it takes Sub-Zero approximately 4 seconds to freeze a person in place...

which in real-world physics is completely impossible.

To induce full body frostbite in that time, he would have to lower the surrounding temperature to negative SIX AND A HALF MILLION DEGREES FAHRENHEIT.

Boomstick: That's a stupid amount of cold!

Wiz: 13,000 times colder than absolute zero, to be exact.

Making it a temperature which literally CANNOT EXIST.

Boomstick: And yet still not as cold as my ex-wife's heart.

Ha! Anyway, Sub-Zero has more than earned his reputation as one of the most fearsome fighters in the Mortal Kombat universe.

He's strong enough to break titanium statues with a single chop, quick enough to dodge an oncoming rocket,

and he defeated some of the best warriors across multiple dimensions, like the lizard dude Reptile

and Taven the half-god who single-handedly defeated dozens Lin Kuei assassins.

He's beaten his rival for life Scorpion several times and even took on...

BATMAN!?

Wiz: Through sheer willpower he's survived injuries no normal person could walk away from.

Like getting torched in the face by a flamethrower, or being double impaled through the torso.

And then torched again!

Boomstick: WHOA! That's a lot of blood!

Like, how does he have any left?

Wiz: I know, right??

But that pales in comparison to when he underwent the procedures which turned him into a cyborg,

and then was blown apart and reassembled into human form while still conscious.

Boomstick: Damn what a tough son of a bitch!

Wiz: But don't overestimate him. Although Sub-Zero keeps company with powerful spirits, undead wraiths and immortal gods...

he's not one of them.

He may have incredible powers but he's still just a mortal man.

Also, his emotional baggage and desire to live up to his brother's name has clouded his judgement more than once.

Boomstick: But that didn't stop him from becoming Grandmaster of the Lin Kuei;

he changed their goals, turning them to the side of good,

and even formed an alliance with his old rival Scorpion over a nice brunch.

Life couldn't get any better.

And then they found dragons!

Sub-Zero: Shirai Ryu dog.

Scorpion: Lin Kuei scum!

Sub-Zero: Death is more honor than you deserve.

Wiz: Beyond our solar system, advanced civilizations are governed by the 88 Decrees.

Should anyone dare violate these laws, they will find themselves targeted by the Galactic Marshalls.

Boomstick: Aka space cops.

One of these alien officers was sent to Earth to investigate an eerie distress signal.

But he was shot down by the world-dominating corporation called Ultratech.

Y'know, evil Wal-Mart.

Wiz: Ultratech had reverse engineered equipment from an alien crash some decades prior.

The Rosswell incident.

However, the use of advanced technology by less developed species is a clear violation of the 88 Decrees.

Boomstick: Kind of like give if you saw a chimpanzee pickup a flamethrower. It'd be awesome!

But you'd want to take it away real quick.

Wiz: Determined to correct these wrongs and return home, the alien marshall set his sights on bringing Ultratech to their knees and recovering his lost technology...

And if he couldn't, he'd just blow it all up.

Boomstick: It was Ultratech who codenamed him Glacius.

Don't let his name fool ya; Glacius wasn't always known for his fancy ice powers.

Actually, he comes from a race of aliens with weird telekinetic abilities.

Wiz: By manipulating simple molecular structures Glacius can use the environent nearby to create armor around his inner body.

This came in handy when his ship was shot down in Antarctica and he lost his native shell.

Boomstick: So he had no choice but to make a new shell out of ice which permanently turned him into an abominable snow monster.

Wiz: With this new body, Glacius developed a fighting style to make the most of his new capabilities.

Boomstick: Glacius prefers to fight at a distance using his long-range ice bending attacks.

He can turn his limbs into huge ice lances to keep enemies at bay, create spiky hail projectiles and even summon spires of ice right under his opponent.

And... did he just punch that guy with an ice sculpture of himself!?

Wiz: More or less.

That is the Shatter technique: a powerful burst of energy which summons a mysterious uppercutting ice sculpture.

Boomstick: Perfect for opening up some sweet combos on his foes.

Still, for all his keep away game, you'd think he'd be a total chump up close.

But remember how he can move ice with his mind?

Well he can melt it too, including himself.

Wiz: By turning his body into liquid he can evade oncoming attacks,

surprise opponents from below with the aptly named "Puddle Punch",

and even completely dissolve people into nothing.

And as an added precaution he summon extra ice to his body to serve as thicker armor,

though his molecular telekinesis is too limited to maintain this armor for long periods of time.

Boomstick: He may be made of ice but Glacius can still hit hard enough to launch opponents several stories into the air.

Including the 550-pound Fulgore units Ultratech is known for.

Wiz: He's cunning enough to not only infiltrate Ultratech's highly-guarded facilities, but also surprise attack its highly advanced robotic CEO, Aria.

Before making his move, by Aria's own calculations, Glacius was able to drop the temperature of the entire room by 122 degrees Fahrenheit in .026 seconds.

That's a quarter of a tenth of a second.

Boomstick: Just like Sub-Zero he can lower a person's temperature by like thousands of degrees to freeze his opponents completely solid.

And then he makes them explode.

WITH HIS MIND!

Wiz: Maybe Glacius's real name is Kelvin, because that's colder than absolute zero!

Boomstick: Feel like that was some sort of nerd joke.

Wiz: Yes it was!

Boomstick: Yeah you're not allowed to make a joke ever again.

Wiz: Oh why you gotta be so cold!?

Anyway in Glacius's mission to bring down Ultratech,

he battled and defeated dozens of killer robots,

a zombie pirate, a genetically engineered dinosaur fighter...

and a werewolf.

Boomstick: He even killed Cinder, the guy who's made of friggin' fire! You know, opposite ice??

Wiz: Glacius is ridiculously intimidating but he does have a weakness.

His natural body within the ice is fragile and defenseless.

His entire fighting style is built around keeping foes away for this very reason.

Boomstick: So how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Glacius?

Wiz: That's gross!

Boomstick: What, he looks like a giant popsicle with legs, come on!

Wiz: You know what Boomstick?

You're fucking weird.

All right the combatants are set!

Let's end this debate once and for all!

Boomstick: But first all this talk of these cold people makes me think of refrigerators which makes me think of food so here we go.

Now I'm a man who likes a good home cooked meal but going out to buy or hunt my own food is a hassle.

If only there was some way food can be brought straight to me.

Wiz: Good news Boomstick introducing: Blue Apron. The #1 fresh food delivery service in the country.

Using only the freshest ingredients Blue Apron delivers a kit of ready to cook meals straight to your door along with easy to follow instructions.

Boomstick: Plus the ingredients are perfectly proportioned so it cuts down on waste and you know you're usin' the right amount.

On top of that you can log into their website and select the upcomin' meals that sound good to you.

Like the crispy salmon and roasted potato salad with pickles mustard seeds and cream fraiche sauce.

Wiz: Plus it does feel rewarding cooking new and exciting meals right in your own home but don't just take our word for it, we want you to try it.

Boomstick: Because you're watchin' DEATH BATTLE you can get 3 meals free with free shippin' by headin' to Blueapron.com/BATTLE.

Wiz: Seriously you will love how good it feels and taste to create incredible home cooked meals with Blue Apron.

So don't wait that's Blueapron.com/BATTLE.

Boomstick: But right now... IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Sub-Zero: Your race is new to me.

You will know the chill of death!

Announcer: FIGHT

KI Announcer: COMBO BREAKER!

Sub-Zero: I should have known.

Challenge accepted!

You're a formidable warrior!

But you lack conviction.

Time to die!

(FATALITY)

Announcer: KO

Boomstick: I know it's the theme and all, but that was just ice cold!

Wiz: Glacius and Sub-Zero seemed to be a near match in terms of cyromantic abilities,

but it was Sub-Zero who had the training and the power to bring Glacius down.

Boomstick: Sub-Zero has fought ninjas, robots ninjas, secret agents,

movie stars, gods and even fellow ice warriors.

Glacius really didn't have anything Subby hadn't seen before.

Wiz: And while their speed was fairly similar, Sub-Zero's impressive reflexes

and ninja-like skills gave him one of the most important edges in this fight.