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  • Modern life is stressful.

  • There's traffic, pollution, the Kardashians, T-Mobile, and now even a full-blown global

  • pandemic.

  • Forget all that, you've decided to travel to the east coast of the United States and

  • join a local community dedicated to living their lives just like their 16th century pilgrim

  • ancestors.

  • Except for, you know, all that Indian murder business.

  • Yeah... everything except Indian murder.

  • You gotta admit, the simple life is kind of nice after living your whole life in the chaotic,

  • fast-paced modern world.

  • Then of course there's that whole business with demons, aliens, Gordon Freeman and 80s

  • action movie stars you've accidentally wandered into death matches with.

  • Oh, and multiple ex-girlfriends who... well, you know what, new 16th century life, new

  • you.

  • Everything's going honky dory with your new pilgrim life and you've finally started to

  • get the hang of all those 'thees' and 'thous', when suddenly, a teenage girl runs screaming

  • into the village.

  • The baby she was just playing peekaboo with disappeared, like from right in front of her

  • own eyes.

  • The townspeople gasp in horror, it must've been a wolf!, many claim, but you narrow your

  • eyes because you're pretty sure you know better.

  • That night you stumble across two small children having a full-blown conversation with a black

  • billy goat and you realize, yep, you definitely do know better.

  • 'Twas no foul wolven that spirited yonder childer away, 'twas a witch!

  • Or... v-v-itch.

  • So you decided to leave your stressful modern life behind and seek out the solitude and

  • honest living of 16th century America, except your past of fighting demons and all matter

  • of evils has once again caught up with you and now you're facing a witch.

  • How are you going to defeat her?

  • To defeat your enemy, you must know your enemy, and you've never faced an enemy quite like

  • this because you're not dealing with one witch, but rather an entire coven.

  • While one witch is powerful, only a coven could conjure the demonic power necessary

  • for terrorizing an entire village, and now it's up to you to stop them.

  • First, forget what you've read on some goth emo punk's livejournal page about witchcraft,

  • or seen on their youtube channel.

  • These witches are the real deal, less interested in casting love or good luck spells, and more

  • interested in grinding unbaptized babies into paste to make flying potions.

  • Yeah, we told you, these witches are pretty hardcore.

  • Ancient witches would often be recruited by the devil from amongst the outcasts of a society,

  • and our ancient societies left a lot of room for women to feel like outcasts.

  • From not being allowed to own property, work without their husband's approval, choose who

  • they marry, or have a single independent thought, many women felt ostracized by an overbearingly

  • patriarchal society.

  • This led some to turn to the dark master, offering their souls in exchange for the power

  • to liberate themselves from society or in some cases, seek revenge against it.

  • Some male witches did in fact exist, but the profession mostly attracted women.

  • Often, innocent women were accused of being witches, if for instance they happened to

  • be discovered doing math, or wearing pants.

  • Math and pants-wearing were sure-fire signs of the devil's influence, and it was the bonfire

  • for those women.

  • Meanwhile real witches terrorized the countryside, flying across the moonlit night sky doing

  • algebra and calculus on the devil's back.

  • Despite there not being a single mention of the need to hunt down and kill witches by

  • Jesus, Christians nevertheless decided that the witch problem was something Jesus must

  • have absentmindedly forgot to mention, and took to the killing and burning of women with

  • gusto, loudly proclaiming their faith as they did so.

  • It was believed that one sure-fire way to spot a witch- other than math and pants- was

  • to have the suspect recite the Lord's Prayer, as it was believed that the devil which resided

  • in them would not allow them to do so.

  • Another way of spotting a witch was to simply weigh them against the weight of a bible,

  • as it was believed witches had no soul and thus would weigh less than a bible- in the

  • Netherlands you could even be officially weighed and get a certificate proving you were not

  • a witch.

  • Yet another popular way of spotting witches was to throw them into water with a rope attached

  • to them- as the water would reject their wickedness, witches would float while the innocent would

  • sink.

  • Literally all of those things are the height of human stupidity, because our ancestors

  • were such idiots it's a wonder they stuck around long enough to have us.

  • So forget all of that, because spotting a real witch isn't nearly as easy.

  • If you want to eliminate the witch haunting your quaint village, you're going to have

  • to do some old-fashioned detective work.

  • Establishing an alibi for each villager during any sudden disappearances will start to give

  • you a clue of which individuals seem to be always missing when something witchy goes

  • down, and is probably a more reliable method than weighing someone against a book.

  • But your investigations are no doubt going to make you a target, so you best be ready

  • to defend yourself from witchy\ attacks.

  • Protection starts at home, and so should your defenses.

  • Witches aren't demons or evil apparitions, so while holy water seems like it would do

  • the trick, it's actually completely useless against a witch- as the witch is still human.

  • However, holy water might be beneficial to use against some of her evil summons, if she

  • happens to set loose demons or other terrors against you, so don't throw it out of your

  • toolkit just yet.

  • A better way to protect your home though is simple tabletop salt.

  • Jesus said that believers are thesalt of the earth”, which might sound weird to

  • a modern audience as most people know that if you salt a patch of earth, it pretty much

  • destroys its ability to grow crops.

  • Well, back in Jesus's day, salt was pretty much the most amazing thing in the world,

  • and absolutely necessary for human civilization.

  • Salt was used not just to flavor things, but also as medicine, though its single most important

  • use, and a possible reason why human civilization was even possible in the first place, was

  • as a preservative.

  • Salting food allowed you to store it for extremely long amounts of time, and killed any harmful

  • bacteria or molds that tried to grow on it.

  • It was the only way humans could survive long winters without resorting to a hunter-gatherer

  • lifestyle.

  • Without salt, civilization simply wouldn't have been possible.

  • Oh, and without salt in your body the electrical signals that keep you alive would fail to

  • transmit and you'd be dead as a door nail.

  • Thus, it makes sense why Jesus made a pretty big deal out of salt.

  • Because of salt's life-giving properties, it makes an excellent tool for warding one

  • self from the evil magic and influence of witches.

  • You can create barriers around your house by forming a ring of salt around it, a witch's

  • magic will fail to penetrate this protective layer of salty goodness.

  • Yet salt has another use in combating witches, and it's for use against her minions.

  • Most witches are able to call upon demons, familiars, and even the undead to torment

  • and attack their victims, and salt can help you destroy these evil aberrations.

  • Wiping salt on a sword or axe will empower it against evil, causing the wounds it delivers

  • to be impossible to regenerate.

  • However, a proper weapon for witch destruction is also vital.

  • This is the 16th century, so forget about high power weaponry- most muskets back then

  • were so terrible they were just as likely to blow up in your face as to actually hit

  • what you were aiming at.

  • You need something a bit more... personal.

  • Witches often had the ability to resist damage caused by blades and hammers, empowering their

  • bodies with devil magic and causing their skin to toughen like a beast's hide.

  • One thing evil magic cannot protect from though is cold iron.

  • No, we're not saying stick an iron sword into a refrigerator before you go witch hunting,

  • cold iron refers to a very specific, and rare way of forging.

  • In cold forging a metal is never heated until it's glowing red hot and then hammered into

  • shape, as you've no doubt seen in countless fantasy films.

  • Instead, metal is beaten into shape while completely unheated, using nothing but raw

  • human strength- or in the modern world, a mechanical press.

  • Lacking modern manufacturing equipment, you're going to need to find a piece of iron and

  • start hammering it into shape- and we hope you're in really good shape because you're

  • going to be working on that thing for days.

  • Seriously, it's stupid hard to make a sword out of unheated iron.

  • But all that sweating and beating on iron is going to pay off in spades when you've

  • got yourself a weapon no evil can protect from.

  • Now rub some salt on that bad boy and you're ready to take on hordes of witches.

  • Well, almost, because you're still vulnerable to a witch's hexes, and if you're trying to

  • kill a coven of witches you can be sure you're going to get hexed, like a lot.

  • So it's time to once again turn to cutting edge 16th century science and protect yourself

  • from witch hexes- with pee.

  • Find yourself a small bottle, and then fill that bottle with nails, some bent pins, a

  • pinch or two of hair, and a whole lot of urine, then wear that bad boy around your neck.

  • We know what you're thinking- ew gross, I'm not wearing a bottle of pee around my neck.

  • Well, enjoy your new life as a polymorphed pig, because if you don't wear pee around

  • your neck you're gonna get hexed.

  • Now, the science of this is simple.

  • The bottle itself represents the bladder of a witch, and when she attempts to place a

  • hex on you, then her own bladder will suddenly feel as if it's filled with sharp nails and

  • bent pins, because science.

  • Witches have become brides of the devil, and as thus have lost their ability to have children

  • of their own- which explains why they're always doing real witchy things like stealing

  • children.

  • When they're not busy grinding them into potions, some witches will steal a child in

  • order to raise it as a new witch.

  • However, their inability to have children makes them vulnerable to the blood of women

  • who can.

  • Menstrual blood is an effective tool in combating a witch.

  • We could break it down for you, but the science is pretty solid on this one.

  • Menstrual blood = bad day for a witch, so find a local woman who's Aunt Flo is in

  • town and get her to fill up a jar for you, you know, just for emergencies.

  • But wait, because you're definitely not dressed for witch battle.

  • Centuries of witch science have brought humanity the most cutting edge anti-witch technology

  • and methodology for protecting one's self from their evil attacks.

  • Before riding of into battle with a coven of witches, there's one thing you need to

  • do to protect yourself from evil magic, and that's to turn your underwear inside out.

  • You can wear outer garments inside out as well if you wish, but most witch hunters stick

  • to the tried and true method of simply wearing their underwear inside out to repel magical

  • attacks, once more because of science.

  • Alright, you've got your salted, cold iron forged blade.

  • You're wearing a jar of pee around your neck, and you've no fool, so you've turned your

  • underwear inside out.

  • For emergencies, you have a vial of period blood.

  • That's it, you're the ultimate witch-killing bad ass, and single witch or coven-full of

  • witches, you're ready to take on the black heart of hell itself.

  • Now go forth and do righteous battle, confident in your holy protection of urine jar and inside

  • out underwear.

  • Bring peace to the land once more, and remember, if you doubt if someone is a witch or not,

  • you can always throw them in water and see if they float.

  • Or just have them do math, if a woman can do math, she's a witch!

  • Hey, this isn't your first round going up against witches though, so if you need a refresher

  • check out our episode, You vs The Blair Witch.

Modern life is stressful.

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你VS女巫--你能打敗她並倖存下來嗎? (YOU vs THE WITCH - Could You Defeat and Survive Her)

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    izumis007 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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