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I just want what every woman wants.
I just want what every woman wants.
A 90-year-old billionaire
with an incurable disease.
- A 90-year-old billionaire
with an incurable disease.
(audience laughs and claps)
(audience cheers)
(soft funk music)
Just say a joke, just repeat what we say,
and you can pause in the middle.
I'll say everything.
We'll try to not talk while you're talking.
-I've never thought about getting into comedy.
I've been in front of people before,
but I've never needed to be funny.
You've been in scarier situations.
Can you hear me?
I can hear you, I got you,
but I've been in spots where I couldn't hear
because all the (beep) bombs are going off.
Well, I'm not really nervous right now.
It all depends on how many people shoot at me,
so I think we should be good.
Give it up for Robert O'Neill.
Woo!
Thanks so much, appreciate it.
All right.
Hey, guys.
Hey, guys.
How's it going?
So this is the Belly Room.
So this is the Belly Room.
I've seen more welcoming caves in Pakistan.
- I have seen more welcoming caves in Pakistan.
(audience laughs)
I did shoot Bin Laden because I was ordered to.
Now, I did shoot Bin Laden because I was ordered to.
I shot him a second time
because I'm sick of taking off my shoes at the airport.
I shot him a second time
because I'm so tired of taking my shoes off at the (beep) airport.
(audience laughs and claps)
(David laughs)
For my military service,
I've gotten two silver stars.
In my military service, though,
I've gotten two silver stars.
Four bronze stars.
Four bronze stars with valor.
And a ton of pussy.
And a ton of pussy.
(audience laughs)
Times have changed though.
Times have changed though.
Back then, I got Bin Laden.
Back then, I got Bin Laden.
Today, I'd probably be breaking out ASAP Rocky.
Today, I'd probably be breaking out ASAP Rocky.
(audience laughs)
Too soon?
(audience laughs)
Too soon.
Go, go.
I killed Bin Laden.
Like I said, I killed Bin Laden.
(audience laughs)
I guess you could say I'm the Beyonce of SEAL Team Six.
I guess you could sorta say I'm the Beyonce of SEAL Team Six.
(audience laughs)
I was in SEAL Team Six.
I was in SEAL Team Six.
Not like those pussies in one through five.
Not like those pussies in one through five.
(audience laughs)
My favorite thing about killing Osama Bin Laden.
Now, my favorite thing about killing Osama Bin Laden.
Is that it finally ended all the war in the Middle East.
(Robert laughs)
Is that it finally ended all the war in the Middle East.
-My favorite thing about killing Osama Bin Laden, though,
is it's finally ended all the wars in the Middle East.
(audience laughs and claps)
(laughs)
Everyone remembers their big break.
Everybody remembers their big break.
Mine was 9/11.
Mine was 9/11.
(audience laughs)
Any ladies want to join Squeal Team Six?
Hey, any ladies out there want to join Squeal Team Six?
I promise not to shoot you in the face.
I promise not to shoot you in the face,
but seriously, I'm getting the light,
I need to get the (beep) out of here.
(audience claps)
(David laughs)
Oh (beep) that was funny.
That was so funny and scary, Jesus.
That was terrifying.
That's the second time he killed.
(heavy rock music) (audience cheers)
So, is your earpiece working?
Whitney and I will feed you through this.
Charlotte, can you hear me?
Where my 10s at?
When I come watch people here,
I'm like, find it frightening.
You're gonna do great as long as you had a bad childhood.
(laughs) Okay.
I think, the second I get up there,
I'm going to freak out.
All right, get out there, let's do it.
Okay.
(shouts)
Please, you guys, give it up and keep it going
for Charlotte MicKinney.
Woo.
Say, "Hey, guys"
Hey, guys.
How's it going?
I know I look like a news anchor with a tapeworm.
I know I look like a news anchor with a tapeworm, but.
(audience laughs)
You know, I was in "Joe Dirt 2."
I don't know if you guys know this,
but I was in "Joe Dirt 2."
In case you're wondering what you don't recognize me from.
So, you're probably wondering what you don't recognize me from.
(audience laughs)
I dropped out of school.
So, I dropped out of school,
a lot of people know that.
But then I went back to get my DUI.
But then I went back, and I got my DUI.
(audience laughs)
For some reason, they still want me
to come to the reunion.
For some reason, they still want me
to come to the reunion.
(audience laughs)
Did anyone see the movie "Baywatch?"
Did anybody see the movie "Baywatch?"
I was the second hottest girl after Zac Efron.
I was the second hottest girl after Zac Efron.
(audience laughs)
I'm currently lifting weights.
I'm currently lighting weights.
With my bra.
With my bra.
(audience laughs)
Is it hot in here, or am I just super hot?
Is it hot in here, or am I just super hot and stupid?
(audience laughs) Oh my god.
I just want what every woman wants.
I just want what every woman wants.
A 90-year-old billionaire with an incurable disease.
A 90 year-old-billionaire with an incurable disease.
(audience laughs)
That's all I want, that's all I want.
You, we'll talk after.
(audience laughs)
I just flew in from Cancun,
and boy, are my arms tired.
I just flew in from Cancun,
and boy, are my arms tired.
From jerking off a billionaire on the jet.
From jerking off a billionaire on a jet.
(audience laughs)
Look at the guy in the front row
and ask him how old he is.
How old are you?
95.
95.
Say, "You're way too young for me."
95, you're way too young for me, I'm sorry.
(audience laughs)
So, moving on.
Hey, guys, the jokes are up here.
Motion to your face.
- Hey, guys, the jokes are up here.
(audience laughs)
I'm gonna wrap this up.
Most of the guys have jizzed already.
I'm gonna wrap this up
'cause most of the guys have jizzed already.
(audience laughs)
Thanks for coming in.
Thanks for coming in.
Good night, that was extremely painful,
but it's over, and I'm done.
(audience claps and cheers)
Oh, shit, she was good.
Oh, god, I've never been
so nervous. - It's so stressful,
oh my god.
You were so good.
I think they thought I was on crack.
I'm sure. Fully。
(audience cheers) (heavy rock music)
(upbeat funk music)
This is where I'm gonna feed you,
so can you hear that right there?
I can hear that well.
Okay, good.
It'll be all right.
Once you're up there,
you just repeat it, there's nothing to do.
Yeah, sounds like fun.
He's cute, that helps.
Yes, very.
All right, see you, buddy.
This is my type.
(David laughs)
That's enough, Whit.
I know, I know, I'm sorry, time's up.
Give it up, guys, let's hear it for Chuck Lidell.
(audience claps and cheers)
Hey, what's up, everybody?
What's up, everybody?
It's me, white Pitbull.
It's me, white Pitbull.
(audience laughs)
No, my name is Chuck Lidell.
Now, my name is Chuck Lidell.
If you don't know who I am,
heckle me, and you'll (beep) find out.
If you don't know my name, don't know who I am,
heckle me, and you'll find out.
(audience laughs)
I hope this standup comedy goes better
than my Jeopardy tryout.
I hope my standup comedy goes better
than my Jeopardy tryout.
(audience laughs)
Boy, standup comedy is tough.
Boy, standup comedy is tough.
You have to be able to complete a sentence.
Just to be able to complete a sentence.
(audience laughs)
Hey, real quick, has anyone seen my neck?
Hey, real quick, has anyone seen my neck?
(audience laughs)
I had it in the car.
I had it in the car.
(audience laughs)
I have this thing called RMF.
I have this thing called RMF.
Resting murderer face.
Resting murderer face.
(audience laughs)
I'm like an intelligent Rob Gronkowski.
It's like, I'm like an intelligent Rob Gronkowski.
(audience laughs)
I don't understand my own jokes.
I hope you do.
I don't understand my own jokes,
but I hope you do.
(audience laughs)
My wife is tough, she's like a female Ronda Rousey.
My wife is tough, she's like a female Ronda Rousey.
(audience laughs)
All right, well, I gotta go.
Well, I gotta go.
I have protein powder.
I have protein powder.
And it's not gonna snort itself.
It's not gonna snort itself.
(audience laughs)
Thank you, good night.
Thank you, everybody, good night.
Oh, shit.
Oh, heart attack, god damn.
That style is hilarious.
That was fun, being out, guys.
Oh my god, you must've got--
Sometimes, I'm like, why are they laughing so hard?
You said what everyone was thinking,
so it was, like, perfect.
That's good, it was well done, man, good job.
That was awesome. - So good.
(audience cheers) (heavy rock music)
(funky music)
We're gonna do you through this walkie talkie,
you're gonna hear it in your ear.
And it might take a second,
'cause we're gonna say it, then you'll say it,
so let's try it out, and good luck.
Give it up, let's hear it for Heather Dubrow.
(audience claps)
Thank you, thanks.
Hey, if you couldn't already tell
by my skin color and gender, my name is Heather.
Hey, if you can't already tell
by my skin color and gender, my name is Heather.
(audience laughs)
I know, I look like a woman
who used bribery to get my kids into college.
I know, I look like a woman
who used bribery to get my kids into college.
Smooth, I like it. (audience laughs)
Do you remember my season of "The Real Housewives?"
Do you know how I got into "The Real Housewives?"
I'm asking 'cause I was drunk the whole time.
No, I'm asking, 'cause I was drunk the whole time.
Did you watch it?
(audience laughs)
If you don't know what "The Real Housewives" is,
it's like football for women.
If you don't know what "The Real Housewives" is,
it's like football for women.
But with more brain damage.
But with more brain damage.
(audience laughs)
Everyone wants to know the secret to staying young.
Everyone wants to know the secret to staying young.
Marry a plastic surgeon.
Marry a plastic surgeon.
(audience laughs)
I married one to get the employee discount.
I married one to get the employee discount.
(audience laughs)
A woman from Orange Country marrying a plastic surgeon.
A woman from Orange Country marrying a plastic surgeon.
Is like a butthole marrying toilet paper.
Is like a butthole marrying toilet paper.
(audience laughs)
It's like a perfect match.
My face has so much plastic,
I'm not allowed in the ocean.
My face has so much plastic,
I've actually been banned from the ocean.
(audience laughs)
Some people believe I'm 50.
Some people don't believe I'm 50.
Some people, you know, they don't believe
that I'm 50 years old.
Because I tell them I'm 35.
Because I tell them I'm 35.
(audience laughs)
I have two podcasts.
I have two podcasts.
And that's the only thing
I have in common with any of you people.
And that's the only thing I have in common
with any of you people.
(audience laughs)
All right, thanks, you guys, good night.
Thank you guys, so much, you've been so kind.
Good night.
(upbeat electronic music)
She went, "You've been so kind."
Is that what she said?
Heather Dubrow.
Was that good?
You're so good.
Where are we playing next?
(all laugh)
This is where the money is. - This is working
really well for me.
Wait, give Daavid a little light.
Yeah, can I be in it? - Oh, sorry, sorry.
Jesus Christ.
(audience cheers)
(intense rock music)
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明星挑戰單口喜劇 Whitney Cummings's Best Secret Stand-Up Moments

44 分類 收藏
Angus 發佈於 2020 年 6 月 8 日    Angus 翻譯    Evangeline 審核
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