Looks like another beautiful day here in Bikini Bottom.

Attention! Attention! This just in!

A giant monster is attacking Bikini Bottom!

[screaming]

We interrupt this program for an important news announcement!

This wild throng behind me is screaming for Bikini Bottom's newest

culinary sensation!

Let's take a listen.

So much destruction. This reporter asks, why?

Local consensus places the blame on this negligent, selfish,

driving instructor, who--

Ah, what am I getting so worked up about?

I'm sure that by tomorrow this whole ugly mess will be a funny memory.

Our top story tonight!

Giant oyster has it's feelings hurt!

The only clue that could be found was this lone peanut!

And as you can hear, the oyster continues to emit it's horrible cry!

A cry so powerful it can be heard around the world!

A cry that not only breaks the sound barrier,

it breaks the hearts of our citizens.

In other news, local resident,

SpongeBob SquarePants

only has a few hours left to complete his essay.

And yet he continues to goof off.

[laughing]

We interrupt your laughter at other people's expense

to bring you this news flash!

The fake inspector has been captured!

Here is his picture. If a health inspector comes to your restaurant

and he's not this guy, he's real.

All of Bikini Bottom is a buzz over the identity

of a mysterious flying man who helps people!

He found my hair piece!

He helps people.

And he flies.

And he helps people.

We interrupt this program to bring you a news blast!

Terror in a shell!

This just in! Fear and disease is spreading like wild fire

as a killer snail has been biting the Denison's of Bikini Bottom!

Infecting them with Mad Snail Disease!

Ask any old fish on the street

and they'll tell you that germs enter through the bite radius,

traveling up stream until the entire host body is full of

Mad Snail Disease!

Flash! The jellyfish migration enters its second day of fantastic jellyfishing.

We now go live to our reporter on the scene.

This year's migration is the largest in a century.

I feel truly sorry for the poor saps who will miss even one minute

of this remarkable event!

Attention, Bikini Bottom!

My jellyfishing net has been stolen!

Perch Perkins here live at the Krusty Krab!

We're just moments away from an important press conference

with Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy!

I have with me here Eugene Krabs,

owner of the restaurant. Any thoughts, Mr. Krabs?

[mumbles]

Okay, we'll come back to you later.

We interrupt this program for an important news announcement!

Bikini Bottom is literally in a state of total chaos tonight!

- Oh! - Literally!

We go not to News Sea Chopper 7. What's up?

Not looking too good up here, Perch.

The Krusty Krab is just about to come apart at the hinges.

Customers are in a rage over not getting their Krabby Patties!

Gary!

Looks like another beautiful day here in Bikini Bottom. Huh.

Gary!

This just in! A diabolical, albeit, haphazardly, thrown together machine

is attacking Bikini Bottom and is headed straight for the Krusty Kra--

Now the weather!

Here we go.

Thank you, Phil. Today's weather forecast calls for…

A horrible storm will ravage the Bikini Bottom area.

A horrible storm!

You heard me. Panic is not advised. Although, it is recommended.

Chaos runs rampant in Bikini Bottom!

That's right folks. This is news reporter, Ben Blenny, standing in for Perch Perkins,

who's out today with a terrible case of indigestion.

And we are coming to you live during day three of what appears to be

Bikini Bottoms worst--

Am I on television?

Yes, sir. You are. Would you care to say a few words?

Hi mom! Hi dad!

Hey Dr. Sween. Hey Jennifer.

Hey Sally, hey Frances, hey Mable!

Hey Julie, hey Abigail!

Welcome back to Bikini Bottom News.

Our top story tonight, a series of sad tales.

Ooh, let's turn it up.

Tragedy in the park when a young snail caught in a tree

almost didn't get down.

Help!

Oh!

However, he did… get down.

Breaking news!

Earlier today, Mr. Eugene Krabs, proprietor of the Krusty Krab restaurant,

parted with his beloved secret formula.

We now go to Perch Perkins live on the scene!

Thanks Elaine. Just moments ago.

Eugene Krabs sent his famously delicious secret Krabby Patty formula packing.

Take care of yourself little formula.

This just in. A mad man is chopping everything.

Not the giant screen TVs! Oh no!

The suspect is considered fat, pink, and dangerous.

Oh! Gianter TVs!

- What are those things? - Sea whelks!

A pernicious form of sea snail,

have invaded Bikini Bottom and are on the attack!

Devouring innocent citizens and covering the city with purple slime!

Luckily, the Bikini Bottom newsroom is perfectly safe.

This is Bikini Bottom News signing off.

Breaking news! The Tunnel of Glove

has turned into a tunnel of terror.

Just hours ago, the mechanism that controls the boats mysteriously stopped,

trapping the doomed couple inside.

A wealthy entrepreneur, who wishes to remain anonymous,

is sponsoring this year's Sleigh Race.

First prize, one million dollars!

All of Bikini Bottom is entered

but only one hopeful will win.

Thanks Goo!

And now we go to Perch Perkins at the scene.

That's right, Perch Perkins at Goo Lagoon,

bringing you the latest on the Super Goo event.

What do you think of Super Goo, young man?

I'm on TV.

Witnesses are flocking around the unveiling of Bikini Bottom's newest bank,

The Bank of Bikini Bottom Bank.

In shocking news today,

it has been revealed that frozen Krabby Patties are made with sand!

News flash!

A severe rip current may soon touchdown in Bikini Bottom!

Residents are warned to bar all windows and stay indoors!

Save yourself!

We interrupt this program to bring you a Bikini Bottom news flash!

Mr. Plankton, we've received word that you're plotting to

infiltrate the Krusty Krab and steal the Krabby Patty secret formula. Is that true?

Actually, yes, that is true. I got it all worked out.

First, I break into the save and ooh!

Wait. Is this live?

This is Perch Perkins live at the Krusty Krab!

Where we understand that a local fry cook has just gone nuts!

This just in.

Ow!

This is Perch Perkins reporting live from the Krusty Krab!

Where I am one of three people still unaffected

by this rabid Patty pandemonium!

The second unaffected person is in this dumpster!

Care to comment, sir, on the chaos?

Perch Perkins, how did you know I was in here?

I as napping in this dumpster when you snuck in seeking refuge.

Perch Perkins here for Bikini Bottom News!

Today, SpongeBob SquarePants will attempt the impossible!

A high sea dive from that diving board!

He'll be the first sponge ever to dive up through the ocean!

This is a Bikini Bottom News special report!

Perch?

Perch Perkins here at the Bikini Bottom power plant!

Where the evil super villain, known as,

The Dirty Bubble, has finally been cornered by police!

[grunting]

Stand back Coppers and cease your attack!

Or I'll make your Police Chief my late night snack!

Do what he says!

Will the grime of this evil soap globe wash over our fair city?

Or will the law force him to clean up his act?