DID YOU KNOW TONIGHT WAS MARDI

GRAS?

THE BIGGEST DAY OF THE YEAR FOR

PLASTIC PENIS WHISTLES WITH

GLITTER ON THEM, HANDS DOWN.

MARDI GRAS TRANSLATES FROM

FRENCH FAT TUESDAY.

NEXT WEEK IS SUPER TUESDAY, THEN

SUPER FAT TUESDAY.

THIS IS DEBATE NUMBER TEN FOR

THE DEMOCRATS, AND ONE OF THE

BIG QUESTIONS GOING INTO THIS IS

HOW MIKE BLOOMBERG WOULD RESPOND

TO HIS POOR SHOWING AT THE

DEBATE LAST WEEK.

SO FAR, BLOOMBERG SPENT ABOUT

$500 MILLION TO GET SMACKED

AROUND BY ELIZABETH WARREN ON

TELEVISION.

HIS PRIMARY GOAL WAS TO TRY TO

KNOCK OFF THE NUMBER ONE GUY,

BERNIE SANDERS.

BERNIE HAS A LOT OF PLANS,

EXPENSIVE PLANS.

HE'S NO DUMMY.

EVERY TIME ONE OF THE OTHER

CANDIDATES ASKS WHO'S GOING TO

PAY FOR THESE PROGRAMS HE POINTS

TO BLOOMBERG AND SAYS HIM!

MEANWHILE, PRESIDENT TRUMP IS ON

HIS WAY BACK HOME FROM INDIA

WHERE HE WAS WELL BUTTERED.

THIS IS GOING TO SURPRISE YOU.

HE BELIEVES THE RECEPTION HE GOT

WAS LIKE NOTHING THE INDIAN

PEOPLE HAD EVER GIVEN BEFORE.

>> IN THE HISTORY OF INDIA,

WHICH HAS A LONG HISTORY AND A

BRILLIANT HISTORY IN SO MANY

DIFFERENT WAYS, THERE'S NEVER

BEEN A RECEPTION GIVEN TO

SOMEBODY LIKE WAS GIVEN, AND I

WOULD LIKE TO SAY FOR THE USE ND

STATES OF AMERICA.

BUT I WOULD LIKE TO SAY NOBODY

GOT THE BIG RECEPTION.

>> OF COURSE HE GOT A BIG

RECEPTION.

THEY LOVE COWS IN INDIA.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TRUMP WENT ON TO OVERESTIMATE

THE SIZE OF THE CROWD, EVEN

THOUGH THERE WERE THOUSANDS OF

EMPTY SEATS IN THE STADIUM,

WHILE HE WAS SPEAKING, AND

PEOPLE WERE LEAVING WHEEL HE WAS

SPEAKING, THE DONALD BRAIN

TRANSLATED THAT TO MEAN THERE

WERE FANS LINED UP OUTSIDE TO

GET IN.

>> THERE WERE 125,000 SEATS

YESTERDAY, THEY WERE FULL.

YOU HAD THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS

OF PEOPLE OUTSIDE.

PRIME MINISTER MODI WAS TELLING

ME THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE OUTSIDE.

THAT'S NOT UNCOMMON FOR ME TO BE

HONEST.

THEY'D NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE

IT.

SOMEBODY SAID IT WAS THE

GREATEST GREETING EVER GIVEN TO

ANY HEAD OF STATE FROM ANY

COUNTRY.

>> Jimmy: WHO, WHO SAID THAT?

WHO, WAS THAT SOMEONE IN A

MIRROR AND LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU?

WHEN HE WAS DONE BRAGGING ABOUT

THE SIZE OF HIS CROWD, HE TOOK

SOME TEAM TO TALK ABOUT ISIS.

>> WELL, I DON'T THINK ANYBODY'S

DONE MORE THAN I HAVE, IF YOU

LOOK.

BECAUSE I CAME IN, AND IF YOU

CHECK YOUR MAPS AND LOOK AT IRAQ

AND SYRIA, IT WAS ALL OVER.

IN FACT, THEY HAD IT PAINTED A

CERTAIN COLOR, I WON'T TELL YOU

WHAT COLOR, BECAUSE IT DOESN'T

MATTER.

SOMEBODY WILL SAY IT WAS A

REPUBLICAN COLOR.

I DON'T WANT TO GET PEOPLE

CONFUSED.

BUT IT HAPPENED TO BE RED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jimmy: HE MUST BE GREAT WITH

SURPRISES.

BARRON, I KNOW IT'S YOUR

BIRTHDAY TOMORROW, AND I DON'T

WANT TO SAY WE'RE THROWING YOU A

PARTY, BUT WE'RE THROWING YOU A

PARTY.

MELANIA MADE THE BE BEST OF HER

TRIP TO INDIA.

SHE TOOK PART IN WHAT THEY CALL

A HAPPINESS CLASS IN NEW DELHI.

THAT'S INTERESTING THAT SHE DID

THAT, BECAUSE WHATNA IN THE WO

WOULD MAKE MELANIA THINK SHE

MIGHT NEED A HAPPY, OH, YEAH,

THAT.

SHE NEEDS AN ESCAPE PLAN AND

GRAPPLING HOOK.

WE DID LEARN SOME INTERESTING

THINGS ABOUT DONALD TRUMP'S

HEALTH TODAY AS THE FORMER WHITE

HOUSE DOCTOR RONNY JACKSON TOLD

THE NEW YORK TEAMS "NEW YORK TI

REGRETS NOT BEING ABLE TO DO

MORE TO IMPROVE THE PRESIDENT'S

DIET AND EXERCISE.

THIS IS A REAL QUOTE FROM A MAN

WHO WAS THE ACTUAL DOCTOR FOR

THE ACTUAL PRESIDENT OF THE

UNITED STATES, ALL RIGHT?

WE WERE WORKING ON HIS DIET.

WE WERE MAKING THE ICE CREAM

LESS ACCESSIBLE.

WE WERE PUTTING CAULIFLOWER INTO

THE MASHED POTATOES.

THAT IS WHAT WE DO WITH OUR

5-YEAR-OLD AT HOME.

IMAGINE SNEAKING CAULIFLOWER

INTO THE PRESIDENT'S MASHED

POTATOES AND HIDE THE ICE CREAM

AS IF YOU'RE CAMPING AND YOU

DON'T WANT TO GET BEARS IN THE

CAMP.

TRUMP WEIGHED IN ON DR.

JACKSON'S CLAIM AND WEIGHED IN

TWEETING IT WAS A PERFECT

CAULIFLOWER.

THE STOCK MARKET WAS DOWN A LOT

TODAY IN PART BECAUSE OF THE

CORONAVIRUS, WHICH IS SPREADING.

IN FACT THREE PEOPLE IN OUR

THEATER -- NO, JUST KIDDING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW, THIS MORNING, THE

PRESIDENT TWEETED THAT THE

CORONAVIRUS IS VERY MUCH UNDER

CONTROL IN THE USA, WHICH MEANS

WE'RE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.

BUT I MEAN, WE JUST FOUND OUT

THEY HAD TO THICK RICK HIM INTO

EATING VEGETABLES.

DO WE REALLY THINK HE HAS A

HANDLE ON THE CORONAVIRUS?

HAVE YOU SEEN THE CORONAVIRUS?

THE MICROSCOPIC?

I GOOGLED IT.

IT LOOKS MORE LIKE A HOMEMADE

CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT ON ETSY.

THAT CHARMING LITTLE BAUBLE IS

TRYING TO KILL US.

ONE PERSON WHO IS NOT CONCERNED

ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS IS RECENT

PRESIDENTIAL WINNER OF THE MEDAL

OF FREEDOM, RUSH LIMBAUGH.

>> THE CORONAVIRUS IS BEING

WEAPONIZED TO BRING DOWN DONALD

TRUMP.

I WANT TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH

ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS.

YOU THINK I'M MISSING IT.

YEAH, I'M DEAD RIGHT ON THIS.

THE CORONAVIRUS IS THE COMMON

COLD.

>> Jimmy: WHAT?

OH, THAT'S GREAT NEWS.

JUST CHUG AN A LITTLE BIT OF

ROBITUSSIN, AND YOU'LL BE FINE.

IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A COLD IN

CHINA WHERE HEALTH OFFICIALS AND

POLICE ARE WORKING AROUND THE

CLOCK TO TRY TO CONTAIN IT.

THIS IS A REAL CORONAVIRUS DRILL

FROM CHINA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHEN THE S.W.A.T. TEAM CAN'T GET

THE JOB DONE, SEND IN THE GUY

WITH THE POOL SKIMMER.

HOW DOES, IT'S NOT EVEN --

[ APPLAUSE ]

I THINK I KNOW WHY IT AS

STARTING TO SPREAD.

AND WHILE THERE MAY NOT BE A

VACCINE FOR THE CORONAVIRUS,

DISGRA

DISGRACED TELEVANGELIST JIM

BAKER HAS A CURE.

>> THIS THAT IS CIRCLING THE

GLOBE, YOU'RE SAYING SILVER

SOLUTION WOULD BE EFFECTIVE.

>> LET'S SAY IT HASN'T BEEN

TESTED ON THIS STRAIN OF THE

CORONAVIRUS, BUT IT'S BEEN

TESTED ON OTHER STRAINS OF THE

CORONAVIRUS AND HAS BEEN ABLE TO

ELIMINATE IT WITHIN 12 HOURS.

>> YEAH.

>> TOTALLY ELIMINATE IT, KILLS

IT, DEACTIVATES IT.

>> YEAH.

>> AND THEN IT BOOSTS YOUR

IMMUNE SYSTEM, SO THEN YOU CAN

SUPPORT THE RECOVERY.

WHEN YOU KILL THE VIRUS THEN THE

IMMUNE SYSTEM COME NOS INTO ACT

TO CLEAR IT OUT.

YOU WANT A VIBRANT IMMUNE SYSTEM

AS WELL AS THE ABILITY TO

DEACTIVATE THESE VIRUSES.

>> THAT'S SO GOOD.

>> Jimmy: YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S ABOUT AS REAL AS HARVEY

WEINSTEIN'S WALKER.

SILVER SOLUTION.

[ APPLAUSE ]

IT'S LIKE A TV SHOW ABOUT AN OLD

LADIES WHO SELL MYSTERIES.

THIS JIM BAKER IS QUITE THE

CHARACTER.

HOW THIS GUY CAME BACK AFTER

POCKETING ALL THAT MONEY FROM

HIS CHURCH REALLY IS A MIRACLE,

BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

HE PRAYED HIS WAY THROUGH.

THIS IS A VERY PRAYERFUL MAN, A

MAN WHO EVEN PRAYS ABOUT WHAT HE

WEARS.

>> I GET DRESSED, AND GOD, I

PRAY ABOUT WHAT I WEAR.

I REALLY DO.

I KNOW I LOOK STUPID SOMETIMES.

BUT THE LAST TIME GOD TOLD ME TO

WEAR A COLOR WAS RED.

>> RIGHT.

I REMEMBER.

>> AND WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY?

THE STOCK MARKET CRASHED.

A FEW DAYS AGO.

>> I REMEMBER THAT.

>> YOU REMEMBER THAT?

YES.

>> Jimmy: YEAH, THAT WAS THE DAY

HE STOPPED DRESSING LIKE

SPIDERMAN TO WORK.

BUT I NEED TO BE CAREFUL,

BECAUSE ACCORDING TO JIM, GOD IS

GOING AFTER ANYONE WHO MAKES FUN

OF HIM.

>> ONE DAY YOU'RE GOING TO SHAKE

YOUR FIST IN GOD'S FACE.

AND YOU'RE GOING TO SAY, GOD,

WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME?

AND HE'S GOING TO SAY, YOU SAT

THERE, AND YOU MADE FUN OF JIM

BAKER ALL THOSE YEARS.

>> Jimmy: HE IS?

WELL, PACK YOUR BAGS, GUILLERMO,

I'M GOING TO HELL. 276

>> Guillermo: YES, WE ARE.