Placeholder Image

字幕列表 影片播放

  • PLEASE RELAX.

  • HAPPY DAY AFTER DAYLIGHT SAVING

  • DAY.

  • HOW ARE YOU HOLDING UP FOR THAT?

  • EVERYONE ALL RIGHT?

  • YESTERDAY MORNING WAS OUR ANNUAL

  • REMINDER THAT WE AREN'T AS SMART

  • AS OUR MICROWAVE OVENS.

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • GUILLERMO HAD A BIG WEEK.

  • AND CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU,

  • GUILLERMO.

  • >> Guillermo: OH, THANK YOU,

  • JIMMY.

  • >> Jimmy: YOU'RE WELCOME.

  • NOW, THIS IS FROM A HORSE RACE

  • IN TAMPA BAY ON SATURDAY.

  • AND IT WOULD SEEM THAT WE HAVE A

  • WINNER IN OUR MIDST.

  • >> KING GUILLERMO NOW GOING TO

  • THE LEAD.

  • INSIDE THE FINAL FURLONG, DO YOU

  • BELIEVE THIS?

  • KING GUILLERMO.

  • HE WINS IMPRESSIVELY.

  • >> LOOK, I'M A JOCKEY!

  • >> Jimmy: I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE

  • RACING.

  • WHAT'S YOUR HORSE'S NAME,

  • GUILLERMO?

  • >> PEPE.

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • >> Jimmy: PEPE.

  • IT'S ALSO HIS DOG'S NAME

  • COINCIDENTALLY.

  • THE CORONAVIRUS -- THIS

  • CORONAVIRUS IS ALL I HEAR ABOUT

  • FROM -- WHOO?

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • PEOPLE ARE SELLING OFF STOCKS

  • AND BUYING UP TOILET PAPER.

  • AND IF YOU ARE BUYING UP TOILET

  • PAPER, I HAVE A QUESTION.

  • WHY ARE YOU BUYING UP TOILET

  • PAPER?

  • I THINK YOU'VE GOT THE BODY

  • UPSIDE DOWN BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE

  • CANCELING EVENTS.

  • THE SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST FESTIVAL

  • IN AUSTIN WAS CANCELED OVER THE

  • WEEKEND.

  • THERE'S TALK THEY MAY HOLD NBA

  • GAMES WITH NO FANS IN THE CROWD.

  • ITALY THE COUNTRY IS CLOSED.

  • FOR REAL.

  • I TRY TON GET TOO WORKED UP

  • ABOUT THIS SORT OF THING, BUT

  • THEN I SAW THIS HEADLINE OVER

  • THE WEEKEND, AND FOR ME NOW THIS

  • IS SERIOUS.

  • COSTCO IS PULLING THEIR FREE

  • SAMPLES.

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • TRUMP NEEDS TO SEND MIKE PENCE

  • TO COSTCO TO FIGURE THIS OUT

  • RIGHT NOW.

  • THIS IS ALSO SCARY NEWS FOR

  • COSTCO SHOPPERS.

  • THIS WAS FROM THE WEEKEND TOO.

  • O.J. POSTED, "CORONAVIRUS?

  • WHO'S AFRAID?"

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • I DON'T KNOW.

  • ARE THOSE TWO SEPARATE QUESTIONS

  • OR ONE?

  • BECAUSE WHENEVER YOU'RE OUT IN A

  • MASK WE'RE AFRAID, ALL OF US.

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • I'VE BEEN DOING MY PART TO FIGHT

  • THE CORONAVIRUS.

  • THE VIRUS WE ARE TRYING TO

  • SPREAD IS CALLED THE ELBUMP.

  • THERE IT IS.

  • E-L-B-U-M-P.

  • WE BRANDED THIS LAST WEEK.

  • AND IT SEEMS TO BE CATCHING ON.

  • FOR INSTANCE ON KELLY AND RYAN,

  • THERE'S WHITNEY CUMMINGS DOING

  • THE ELBUMP VERY ELEGANTLY.

  • MIKE AND TONY FROM PARDON THE

  • INTERRUPTION.

  • DJIMON HOUNSOU.

  • COACH K AND ROY WILLIAMS.

  • EVEN VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE

  • IS PARTICIPATING.

  • PUT IT THERE, SOUL BROTHER.

  • KEEP DOING THAT.

  • JUST GET IN THE HABIT OF DOING

  • IT.

  • THE PRESIDENT PUBLICLY SEEMS

  • DETERMINED TO KEEP SHAKING

  • HANDS.

  • HE HAS SAID THAT AND THAT HE

  • WILL NOT CANCEL HIS RALLIES.

  • BUT A REPORT TODAY FROM "VANITY

  • FAIR" SAYS HE IS PRIVATELY

  • TERRIFIED ABOUT GETTING THE

  • VIRUS AND THINKS JOURNALISTS

  • WILL TRY TO PURPOSEFULLY

  • CONTRACT CORONAVIRUS TO GIVE IT

  • TO HIM ON AIR FORCE ONE.

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • WELL, THAT DOESN'T SEEM PARANOID

  • AT ALL.

  • ON FRIDAY THE PRESIDENT SIGNED A

  • FUNDING BILL FROM CONGRESS TO

  • HELP COMBAT THE VIRUS.

  • AND REALLY PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT

  • HE SAYS HERE.

  • >> SO WE'RE SIGNING THE 8.3

  • BILLION.

  • I ASKED FOR 2 1/2, AND I GOT

  • 8.3.

  • AND I'LL TAKE IT.

  • >> Jimmy: HE ONLY ASKED FOR

  • 2 1/2 BILLION.

  • CONGRESS SAID WE AUTHORIZE 8.3

  • BILLION.

  • AND HE'S BRAGGING THAT HE WANTED

  • LESS?

  • I DON'T KNOW.

  • IT DOESN'T -- HE SOMEHOW FINDS A

  • WAY TO BRAG ABOUT EVERYTHING.

  • AND AT THE SIGNING SOMEBODY

  • ASKED HIM ABOUT ELIZABETH WARREN

  • AND WHETHER SEXISM PLAYED A ROLE

  • IN HER CAMPAIGN NOT WORKING OUT.

  • AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE SURPRISED

  • TO HEAR HE DOESN'T.

  • >> SHE DESTROYED MIKE BLOOMBERG

  • VERY QUICKLY.

  • LIKE IT WAS NOTHING.

  • IT WAS EASY FOR HER.

  • PEOPLE DON'T LIKE HER.

  • SHE'S A VERY MEAN PERSON.

  • AND PEOPLE DON'T LIKE HER.

  • PEOPLE DON'T WANT THAT.

  • THEY LIKE A PERSON LIKE ME,

  • THAT'S NOT MEAN.

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • >> Jimmy: SEE YOU, LOSERS.

  • I LIKE WHEN HE UNBUTTONS HIS

  • SHIRT A LITTLE.

  • TRUMP WAS UP BRIGHT AND EARLY

  • THIS MORNING TRYING TO DOWNPLAY

  • THE VIRUS.

  • HE WROTE, "SO LAST YEAR 37,000

  • AMERICANS DIED FROM THE COMMON

  • FLU.

  • IT AVERAGES BETWEEN 27,000 AND

  • 70,000 PER YEAR.

  • NOTHING IS SHUT DOWN.

  • LIFE AND THE ECONOMY GO ON.

  • AT THIS MOMENT THERE ARE 546

  • CONFIRMED CASES OF CORONAVIRUS

  • WITH 22 DEATHS.

  • THINK ABOUT THAT."

  • NO, YOU THINK ABOUT THAT.

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S PRESIDENT.

  • 546 AND 22 DEATHS IS NOT GOOD

  • NEWS.

  • IF YOU FOUND OUT 546 OF YOUR

  • FRIENDS WERE ON TIK TOK YOU

  • WOULDN'T BE LIKE, OKAY, WELL,

  • GLAD -- THANK GOD THAT'S OVER.

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • THE PRESIDENT STOPPED BY CDC

  • HEADQUARTERS ON FRIDAY.

  • THAT IS THE CENTER FOR DISEASE

  • CONTROL.

  • TO EXPLAIN TO THE EXPERTS WHO

  • ARE WORKING ON THE VIRUS THAT

  • HE'S AN EXPERT TOO.

  • >> I LIKE THIS GUY.

  • YOU KNOW, MY UNCLE IS A GREAT

  • PERSON.

  • HE WAS AT M.I.T.

  • I TAUGHT AT M.I.T. FOR I THINK

  • LIKE A RECORD NUMBER OF YEARS.

  • HE WAS A GREAT SUPER GENIUS.

  • DR. JOHN TRUMP.

  • I LIKE THIS STUFF.

  • I REALLY GET IT.

  • THEY'RE SURPRISED THAT I

  • UNDERSTAND.

  • EVERY ONE OF THESE DOCTORS SAID

  • HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT

  • THIS?

  • MAYBE I HAVE A NATURAL ABILITY.

  • MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT

  • INSTEAD OF RUNNING FOR

  • PRESIDENT.

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • >> Jimmy: YEAH.

  • I AGREE WITH THAT.

  • THEY'VE ALL THE NOBEL PRIZES YOU

  • WOULD HAVE WON BY NOW.

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • EVERYONE RELAX.

  • TRUMP'S UNCLE WAS A SUPER

  • GENIUS.

  • THE PRESIDENT THEN TREATED THESE

  • HEALTH OFFICIALS TO ANOTHER

  • HELPING OF HUMILITY.

  • WATCH THE GUY ON THE RIGHT HERE.

  • THIS IS DR. STEVE MONROE.

  • HE'S ONE OF THE TOP EXPERTS ON

  • LAB SCIENCE AND SAFETY IN THE

  • WORLD.

  • AND WATCH HIS FACE AS THE

  • PRESIDENT SPEAKS.

  • >> THEY'RE MAKING MILLIONS OF

  • MORE AS WE SPEAK.

  • BUT AS OF RIGHT NOW AND

  • YESTERDAY ANYBODY THAT NEEDS A

  • TEST -- THAT'S THE IMPORTANT

  • THING.

  • AND THE TESTS ARE ALL PERFECT.

  • LIKE THE LETTER WAS PERFECT.

  • THE TRANSCRIPTION WAS PERFECT.

  • THIS WAS NOT AS PERFECT AS THAT

  • BUT PRETTY GOOD.

  • [ APPLAUSE ]

  • >> Jimmy: THAT'S A LOOK OF SOME

  • KIND OF A MIX BETWEEN I WISH I

  • WAS DEAD AND OH, MY GOD, WE'RE

  • ACTUALLY GOING TO BE DEAD.

  • BUT THE TESTS ARE PERFECT.

  • EVERYTHING'S PERFECT.

  • THAT'S WHY TRUMP FIRED HIS CHIEF

  • OF STAFF OVER THE WEEKEND.

  • HE WAS TOO PERFECT.

  • MICK MULVANEY, TRUMP'S FOURTH

  • CHIEF OF STAFF IN THREE YEARS,

  • IS OUT.

  • HE'LL BE REPLACED BY CONGRESSMAN

  • MARK MEADOWS.

  • MICK MULVANEY, NOW MARK MEADOWS.

  • HE'S WORKING HIS WAY THROUGH THE

  • Ms.

  • KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED,

  • MATTHEW MODINE.

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • MEANWHILE, TRUMP WAS APPARENTLY

  • UPSET THAT MULVANEY WENT TO

  • VEGAS DURING THIS CORONA

  • EMERGENCY.

  • WHICH WOULD MAKE HIMSELF IF HE

  • HIMSELF HADN'T BEEN UPSET FROM

  • HIS VACATION HOME IN FLORIDA,

  • WHERE HE WENT DURING THE

  • EMERGENCY.

  • NOW, EFFORTS ARE BEING MADE TO

  • SLOW THE VIRUS ON A LOCAL LEVEL.

  • THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK, BILL DE

  • BLASIO, IS URGING NEW YORKERS TO

  • STAY INDOORS AND STAY OFF THE

  • SUBWAY.

  • BASICALLY THE MAYOR IS TELLING

  • NEW YORKERS TO AVOID NEW YORK AT

  • ALL COSTS.

  • [ LAUGHTER ]

  • DE BLASIO ALSO SAID NEW YORKERS

  • SHOULD REFRAIN FROM SHAKING