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  • -Welcome to "Late Night," everybody.

  • We're two months into quarantine,

  • but don't worry --

  • all we have to do is sit tight

  • for another period of months of indeterminate length,

  • and then, we may, or may not, be out of this thing.

  • So cheer up and let's get to the news.

  • Former Vice President Joe Biden appeared

  • on "Good morning America" yesterday

  • and, frankly, it was a little embarrassing.

  • In a new interview, former Vice President Joe Biden said

  • that President Trump's response

  • to the coronavirus pandemic has been incompetent.

  • Said Trump, "Why don't you say that to my face

  • with no mask on?

  • Say it real loud, so you really spray those particles."

  • After refusing to change his schedule on Monday,

  • after learning his press secretary

  • tested positive for the coronavirus,

  • the White House confirmed yesterday

  • that Vice President Mike Pence

  • will distance himself from President Trump.

  • Pence apparently decided to take precautions

  • after noticing his temperature was a little higher

  • than his normal 25°.

  • [ As Pence ] Oh, my God, I'm

  • hotter than a frozen chicken.

  • White House senior advisor

  • and President Trump's son-in-law, Jared Kushner,

  • said yesterday that he was not sure

  • if the coronavirus pandemic

  • would delay the general election in November,

  • which is a little weird, because the question was,

  • "Sir, how did you get in here?"

  • Oprah announced yesterday she will launch

  • a four-week virtual wellness experience

  • that will be available for free.

  • Huh. Maybe she's trying to make amends for somethin'.

  • Broadway producers announced yesterday

  • that theaters will remain closed through at least September 6th,

  • due to the coronavirus pandemic.

  • Then, after that, they're gonna keep crowds small

  • with shows like "An Evening with Seth Meyers."

  • Oh, come on.

  • Come on, writing staff.

  • You're gonna burn me remotely like that?

  • That's just cruel.

  • Executives from MGM Resorts yesterday unveiled

  • a seven-point safety plan

  • to reopen its hotels and casinos.

  • Just seven?!

  • Their entire business model is

  • seniors touching the same slot machine, blowin' on dice,

  • and ignoring the sneeze guard at the buffet.

  • MGM's safety plan should look like "Infinite Jest."

  • That's writer Mike Scollins,

  • wanting you to know he read "Infinite Jest."

  • Let's show a picture of Mike.

  • So, yeah, you get it.

  • A new law in Utah went into effect yesterday

  • that reduces the punishment for bigamy

  • to essentially a traffic ticket,

  • which, as you know, is about $120

  • and one furious wife.

  • And, finally, authorities in Canada recently caught

  • a teenager driving his father's car

  • at 191 miles per hour on a highway.

  • Though honestly, I'm more impressed

  • by the officer who pulled him over.

  • Mountie joke! That's the monologue.

-Welcome to "Late Night," everybody.

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B2 中高級 美國腔

副總統邁克-彭斯正在與特朗普保持距離。 (Vice President Mike Pence Is Distancing from Trump)

  • 7 0
    Yeung-On Yu 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
影片單字