字幕列表 影片播放 列印英文字幕 -Welcome to "Late Night," everybody. We're two months into quarantine, but don't worry -- all we have to do is sit tight for another period of months of indeterminate length, and then, we may, or may not, be out of this thing. So cheer up and let's get to the news. Former Vice President Joe Biden appeared on "Good morning America" yesterday and, frankly, it was a little embarrassing. In a new interview, former Vice President Joe Biden said that President Trump's response to the coronavirus pandemic has been incompetent. Said Trump, "Why don't you say that to my face with no mask on? Say it real loud, so you really spray those particles." After refusing to change his schedule on Monday, after learning his press secretary tested positive for the coronavirus, the White House confirmed yesterday that Vice President Mike Pence will distance himself from President Trump. Pence apparently decided to take precautions after noticing his temperature was a little higher than his normal 25°. [ As Pence ] Oh, my God, I'm hotter than a frozen chicken. White House senior advisor and President Trump's son-in-law, Jared Kushner, said yesterday that he was not sure if the coronavirus pandemic would delay the general election in November, which is a little weird, because the question was, "Sir, how did you get in here?" Oprah announced yesterday she will launch a four-week virtual wellness experience that will be available for free. Huh. Maybe she's trying to make amends for somethin'. Broadway producers announced yesterday that theaters will remain closed through at least September 6th, due to the coronavirus pandemic. Then, after that, they're gonna keep crowds small with shows like "An Evening with Seth Meyers." Oh, come on. Come on, writing staff. You're gonna burn me remotely like that? That's just cruel. Executives from MGM Resorts yesterday unveiled a seven-point safety plan to reopen its hotels and casinos. Just seven?! Their entire business model is seniors touching the same slot machine, blowin' on dice, and ignoring the sneeze guard at the buffet. MGM's safety plan should look like "Infinite Jest." That's writer Mike Scollins, wanting you to know he read "Infinite Jest." Let's show a picture of Mike. So, yeah, you get it. A new law in Utah went into effect yesterday that reduces the punishment for bigamy to essentially a traffic ticket, which, as you know, is about $120 and one furious wife. And, finally, authorities in Canada recently caught a teenager driving his father's car at 191 miles per hour on a highway. Though honestly, I'm more impressed by the officer who pulled him over. Mountie joke! That's the monologue.