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  • >> FEEL CONFIDENT IN WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS FINE, IT'S A COMPOST

  • HEAP OF ELECTRICITY DOWN THERE SOMEPLACE.

  • YOU'RE BEING PAID TO DO THIS?

  • >> YES!

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

  • HEY!

  • MY SON AND I TRYING TO MAKE SURE THE SHOW WILL HAPPEN TONIGHT.

  • WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • THIS PANDEMIC IS CHANGING EVERYTHING-- EVEN THE SUPREME

  • COURT.

  • THEY'RE WORKING FROM HOME, TOO.

  • AND I'M GUESSING THEY'RE USED TO THE NEW NORMAL.

  • THEY SHOW UP TO WORK IN A BATHROBE, ANYWAY.

  • AND THIS WEEK, FOR THE FIRST TIME, "THE SUPREME COURT IS

  • HEARING ARGUMENTS BY PHONE," AND EVEN MORE UNUSUAL, "THE PUBLIC

  • CAN LISTEN IN."

  • AND IF YOU LISTENED IN TODAY, YOU GOT A LITTLE TREAT.

  • THE COURT WAS HEARING ARGUMENTS OVER BANNING CAMPAIGNS FROM

  • MAKING ROBO-CALLS TO CELLPHONES.

  • THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

  • WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS LISTEN CAREFULLY TO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN

  • ONE OF THE ATTORNEYS IS TALK.

  • >> WHAT THE F.C.C. HAS SAID IS THAT WHEN THE SUBJECT MATTER OF

  • THE CALL RANGES, SWITCHES TOPICS--

  • ( TOILET FLUSH ) --THEN THE CALL IS TRANSFORMED.

  • >> Stephen: THAT WAS A TOILET FLUSH.

  • COME ON, JUSTICES!

  • YOU KNOW YOU'VE GOT TO REMEMBER TO MUTE BEFORE YOU RETIRE TO YU

  • CHAMBERS TO CITE "BROWN V.

  • BOARD," IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

  • SPEAKING OF THINGS GOING IN THE TOILET, OUR ECONOMY.

  • TENS OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE HAVE LOST THEIR JOBS IN THE LAST TWO

  • MONTHS DUE TO THE CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN.

  • AND RIGHT NOW, THERE IS AN UNDERSTANDABLE AND URGENT DEBATE

  • ABOUT WHAT TO DO ABOUT THAT.

  • SOME PEOPLE WANT TO REOPEN THE ECONOMY SLOWLY AND FOLLOW THE

  • ADVICE OF SCIENTISTS AND HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONALS TO SAVE

  • AS MANY LIVES AS POSSIBLE.

  • OTHER PEOPLE ARE DONALD TRUMP.

  • AS PART OF HIS CAMPAIGN TO REOPEN AT ALL COSTS, YESTERDAY,

  • TRUMP VISITED A MASK FACTORY IN ARIZONA WHILE NOT WEARING A

  • MASK.

  • OOH!

  • SO CLOSE!

  • WEARING GOGGLES IN A MASK FACTORY IS LIKE WALKING INTO THE

  • BEDROOM WITH A CONDOM ON YOUR NOSE.

  • YEAH, YOU GOT IT ON, BUT IT DOESN'T INSPIRE CONFIDENCE THAT

  • YOU KNOW HOW THIS WHOLE THING WORKS.

  • TRUMP HELD AN EVENT IN THE OVAL OFFICE TODAY TO HONOR NATIONAL

  • NURSES DAY, AND HE ADDRESSED YESTERDAY'S LACK OF MASK.

  • >> YOU HAD SAID BEFORE THE TRIP THAT YOU WOULD LIKELY WEAR A

  • MASK AT THE MASK FACTORY.

  • YOU ENDED UP NOT WEARING ONE.

  • >> WELL, I ACTUALLY DID HAVE ONE, NO.

  • I PUT A MASK ON, YEAH.

  • I HAD A MASK ON FOR A PERIOD OF TIME.

  • >> WE DIDN'T SEE YOU IN THE MASK.

  • >> WELL, I CAN'T HELP IT IF YOU DIDN'T SEE ME.

  • I HAD A MASK ON, BUT I DIDN'T NEED IT.

  • AND I ASKED SPECIFICALLY THE HEAD OF HONEYWELL, "SHOULD I

  • WEAR A MASK?" AND HE SAID "WELL, YOU DON'T

  • NEED ONE IN THIS TERRITORY."

  • >> Stephen: DID THE PRESIDENT OF HONEYWELL REALLY SAY "IN THIS

  • TERRITORY?" WAS HE GIVING YOU A TOUR OF THE

  • YUKON?

  • AND COME ON, YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT.

  • WHY ARE YOU BLAMING THE FACTORY OWNER WHEN THERE ARE SIGNS

  • EVERYWHERE IN THE FACTORY SAYING, "PLEASE WEAR YOUR MASK

  • AT ALL TIMES."

  • AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SETTING AN EXAMPLE!

  • DO THE RIGHT THING!

  • YOU DON'T SEE SMOKEY THE BEAR SAYING THIS:

  • >> ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES.

  • BUT THE FIRE DOESN'T WANT ME TO PROTECT THE TREES.

  • THE FLAMES, THEY TALK TO ME!

  • THEY TELL ME TO DO THINGS!

  • ( LAUGHS MANIACALLY ) >> Stephen: ALSO YESTERDAY, WE

  • LEARNED THAT THE WHITE HOUSE IS GOING TO PHASE OUT THE

  • CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE.

  • BUT TODAY, TRUMP SAID HE'S REVERSED THAT DECISION.

  • >> THE TASK FORCE HAS DONE A GREAT JOB.

  • THE TASK FORCE INDEFINITELY.

  • YOU KNOW, AT A CERTAIN POINT THAT'LL END, LIKE THINGS END.

  • >> Stephen: OF COURSE, THIS IS DONALD TRUMP, WHICH MEANS IT'LL

  • END WHEN HE FINDS A YOUNGER, HOTTER TASK FORCE.

  • NOW, TRUMP IS DOING THE RIGHT THING BY KEEPING THE TASK FORCE,

  • BUT DON'T YOU WORRY.

  • HE IS DOING IT FOR THE WRONG REASON.

  • >> I THOUGHT WE COULD WIND IT DOWN SOONER, BUT I HAD NO IDEA

  • HOW POPULAR THE TASK FORCE IS UNTIL ACTUALLY YESTERDAY, WHEN

  • I STARTED TALKING ABOUT WINDING IT DOWN.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "TURNS OUT PEOPLE LIKE PEOPLE

  • WHO WANT THEM TO BE ALIVE.

  • THAT ONE REALLY CAUGHT ME BY SURPRISE, BECAUSE I'M DEAD

  • INSIDE."

  • AND TRUMP CLAIMS HE ACTUALLY LIKES HIS CURRENT TASK FORCE.

  • >> NOBODY HAS EVER TURNED ME DOWN TO BE ON THAT TASK FORCE.

  • IT'S A VERY-- NOBODY'S TURNED ME DOWN FOR ANYTHING.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "COME ON, FAUCI.

  • DON'T TURN ME DOWN.

  • SHOW ME HOW TO PROPERLY WASH MY HANDS AGAIN.

  • BUT SLOWER THIS TIME.

  • YEAH, GET THEM ALL SUDSY FOR DADDY.

  • HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEKEEP WASHING."

  • SORRY FOR THAT IMAGE.

  • THEN, TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT HOW FAST HE'S REOPENING THE COUNTRY.

  • >> WILL THE NATION JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT THE IDEA THAT BY

  • REOPENING, THERE WILL BE MORE CASES, THERE WILL BE MORE

  • DEATHS?

  • >> SO, I CALL THESE PEOPLE WARRIORS.

  • AND I'M ACTUALLY CALLING NOW-- AS YOU KNOW, JOHN-- THE NATION,

  • WARRIORS.

  • >> Stephen: YES, HE CALLS THEM WARRIORS.

  • IT'S AN ECONOMIC RALLYING CRY THAT TRUMP STOLE FROM THE MOVIE

  • ( BOTTLES CLINKING ) >> WARRIORS!

  • COME OUT AND-- SHOP.

  • >> Stephen: THE PROBLEM IS THAT HEALTH EXPERTS SAY THAT

  • REOPENING THE COUNTRY TOO SOON COULD HAVE CATASTROPHIC RESULTS,

  • BUT THAT'S JUST A RISK TRUMP IS WILLING FOR YOU TO TAKE, AS HE

  • TOLD ABC'S DAVID MUIR.

  • >> DO YOU BELIEVE THAT'S THE REALITY WE'RE FACING THAT-- THAT

  • LIVES WILL BE LOST TO REOPEN THE COUNTRY?

  • >> IT'S POSSIBLE THERE WILL BE SOME, BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE

  • LOCKED INTO AN APARTMENT OR A HOUSE, OR WHATEVER IT IS.

  • BUT AT THE SAME TIME, WE'RE GOING TO PRACTICE SOCIAL

  • DISTANCING.

  • WE'RE GOING TO BE WASHING HANDS.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS YEAH,

  • A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GOING TO DIE, AND I AM WASHING MY HANDS

  • OF IT.

  • HAPPY BIRTHOKAY, DIFFERENT WASHING."

  • I'M STRUCK BY HOW CALM AND CASUALLY HE TALKS ABOUT THE LOSS

  • OF LIFE.

  • IT'S LIKE HE'S CHANGED HIS REELECTION CAMPAIGN FROM "KEEP

  • AMERICA GREAT" TO "KILL AMERICANS?

  • GROOVY!" THIS NEW "YEAH, PEOPLE ARE GONNA

  • DIE BUT WHATCHA GONNA DO" ATTITUDE ALSO EXPLAINS WHY,

  • WHILE HE WAS TOURING THE MASK FACTORY, HIS ACTUAL BACKGROUND

  • MUSIC-- AND I PROMISE YOU WE DID NOT MAKE THIS UP--

  • WAS "LIVE AND LET DIE."

  • LIVE AND LET DIE LIVE AND LET DIE

  • >> Stephen: OH, COME ON!

  • ARE THEY PUNKING US NOW?

  • IT'S ALMOST LIKE THEY PUT THAT IN THERE TO GET US TO ACCEPT

  • SUBCONSCIOUSLY, THAT THE ONLY WAY TO LIVE IS FOR THE REST OF

  • US TO DIE.

  • IT EXPLAINS THE REST OF THEIR SOUNDTRACK:

  • YOU GIVE ME FEVER WHEN YOU KISS ME

  • FEVER, WHEN YOU HOLD ME TIGH ♪ I JUST DIED IN YOUR ARMS

  • TONIGHT.

  • TONIGHT

  • >> Stephen: WHEN MUIR ASKED HIM ABOUT THE VIRUS' DEADLINESS,

  • TRUMP HAD A CHILLING METAPHOR.

  • >> WELL, THE UPPER NUMBER WAS, AS YOU KNOW, 2.2 MILLION PEOPLE.

  • AND THEN THERE ARE SOME-- SOME MODELS OR CHARTS THAT SHOWED

  • HIGHER THAN THAT.

  • BUT 2.2 MILLION PEOPLE.

  • I ALWAYS FELT 60, 65, 70-- AS, AS HORRIBLE AS THAT IS--

  • I MEAN, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT FILLING UP YANKEE STADIUM WITH

  • DEATH.

  • >> Stephen: WOW!

  • LOOK, I'M HESITANT TO CALL HIM A DICTATOR, BUT IT SURE DIDN'T

  • TAKE HIM LONG TO GET TO "DEATH STADIUMS."

  • THIS WHOLE DEATH-POSITIVE ATTITUDE SEEMS DISTURBINGLY

  • FAMILIAR, BECAUSE MIGHT REME REMEMBER,

  • TRUMP NEVER WANTED TO SHUT DOWN THE COUNTRY IN THE FIRST PLACE.

  • AS RECENTLY AS MID-MARCH, WITNESSES SAY HE REPEATEDLY

  • ASKED, "WHY DON'T WE LET THIS WASH OVER THE COUNTRY?"

  • AND, YESTERDAY, TRUMP SEEMED TO BE LAUNCHING OPERATION "LET IT

  • WASH," WHEN HE SAID THIS: >> THERE WILL BE MORE DEATH, BUT

  • THE VIRUS WILL PASS, WITH OR WITHOUT A VACCINE, AND I THINK

  • WE'RE DOING WELL ON VACCINES.

  • BUT WITH OR WITHOUT A VACCINE, IT'S GOING TO PASS.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S NOT REASSURING.

  • THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "LOOK, WITH OR WITHOUT A LIFE PRESERVER,

  • YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE FLOATING IN THE OCEAN FOREVER.

  • YOU'RE GOING TO PASS.

  • THROUGH THE COLON OF A SHARK."

  • NOW, TRUMP HAS CLAIMED THIS IS ALL OBAMA'S FAULT, BECAUSE WHEN

  • TRUMP CAME INTO OFFICE, THERE THERE WERE NO TESTS FOR THIS

  • DISEASE THAT DIDN'T EXIST YET.

  • MUIR ASKED HIM ABOUT THAT.

  • >> YOU'RE THREE YEARS INTO YOUR FIRST TERM.

  • YOU'RE NOW APPLYING FOR THE JOB AGAIN.

  • WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN YOU BECAME PRESIDENT TO RESTOCK THOSE

  • CUPBOARDS THAT YOU SAY WERE BARE?

  • >> WELL, I'LL BE HONEST.

  • I HAVE A LOT OF THINGS GOING ON.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I GOT A LOT OF THINGS GOING ON.

  • I MEAN, BETWEEN THE GOLF AND THE TWEETING AND THE PARDONING THE

  • TURKEYS, I GOT A LOT ON MY PLATE, DAVE.

  • BY THE WAY, KEEP YOUR GRUBBY FINGERS AWAY FROM MY PLATE.

  • YOU REACH FOR MY NACHOS, YOU'RE DRAWING BACK A BLOODY STUMP."

  • THEN TRUMP EXPLAINED THAT WHILE OPENING UP THE COUNTRY WAS GOING

  • TO KILL A LOT OF PEOPLE, ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, SO WAS NOT OPENING

  • UP THE COUNTRY.

  • >> YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ARE DYING THE OTHER WAY, TOO,

  • WHEN YOU LOOK AT WHAT'S HAPPENED WITH DRUGS.

  • IT GOES UP, WHEN YOU LOOK AT SUICIDES-- I MEAN TAKE A LOOK AT

  • WHAT'S GOING ON.

  • PEOPLE ARE LOSING THEIR JOBS.

  • WE HAVE TO BRING IT BACK, AND THAT'S WHAT WE'RE DOING.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "PEOPLE ARE DYING ALL SORTS OF

  • WAYS, DAVE-- YOU GOT THE DRUGS, SUICIDE, GOING FOR MY NAWCHOSE.

  • AND YOU'VE GOT SOME IDIOT OUT THERE TELLING PEOPLE TO INJECT

  • BLEACH."

  • THEN MUIR ASKED TRUMP IF HE HAD A MESSAGE FOR THE FAMILIES

  • GRIEVING THE LOSS OF LOVED ONES FROM COVID AND, UNFORTUNATELY,

  • THIS WAS IT: >> WE'RE SUPPLYING VAST

  • AMOUNTS OF MONEY LIKE NEVER BEFORE.

  • WE WANT THAT MONEY TO GET TO THE PEOPLE.

  • AND WE WANT THEM TO GET BETTER.

  • AND WE WANT 'EM-- YOU CAN NEVER REALLY COME CLOSE TO REPLACING,

  • WHEN YOU'VE LOST SOME-- NO MATTER HOW WELL WE DO NEXT YEAR,

  • I THINK OUR ECONOMY IS GOING TO BE RAGING.

  • IT'S GOING TO BE SO GOOD.

  • NO MATTER HOW WELL, THOSE PEOPLE CAN NEVER, EVER REPLACE SOMEBODY

  • THEY LOVE.

  • BUT WE'RE GONNA HAVE SOMETHING THAT THEY'RE GONNA BE VERY PROUD

  • OF.

  • >> Stephen: THAT IS COLDER THAN THE CAVES OF PLUTO.

  • IMAGINE THAT OBITUARY: "HE IS SURVIVED BY TWO SONS, A

  • GRANDDAUGHTER, AND A RAGING ECONOMY!

  • HE WOULD BE RICH IF HE WASN'T DEAD.

  • REST IN PROFITS."

  • THE COVID CRISIS IS SOMETHING THE AVERAGE AMERICAN COULD NEVER

  • HAVE PREPARED FOR, BUT THE SUPER-RICH COULD, BECAUSE RICH

  • AMERICANS HAVE ACTIVATED PANDEMIC ESCAPE PLANS, INCLUDING

  • FLEEING TO MULTIMILLION DOLLAR BUNKERS 11-FEET UNDERGROUND IN

  • NEW ZEALAND.

  • GOOD LUCK.

  • YOU WILL NOT BE THE ONLY FOLKS IN NEW ZEALAND HOARDING GOLD

  • UNDERGROUND.

  • BUT DURING THE CRISIS, PEOPLE ARE ALSO BURROWING TO SAFETY

  • RIGHT HERE AT HOME, THANKS TO A BUNKER COMPANY CALLED THE VIVOS

  • GLOBAL SHELTER NETWORK, WHICH CALLS ITSELF "THE BACKUP PLAN

  • FOR HUMANITY."

  • ALTHOUGH, IF YOU ASK ANYONE SHELTERING ALONE, THE BACKUP

  • PLAN FOR HUMANITY IS A COUCH CUSHION WITH GOOGLY EYES.

  • THEY MAKE A VERY PATIENT LOVER.

  • RIGHT NOW, TWO DOZEN FAMILIES HAVE MOVED INTO A VIVOS SHELTER

  • IN SOUTH DAKOTA.

  • THIS VIRUS HAS CHANGED A HOT.

  • FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, THERE ARE TWO DOZEN PEOPLE IN SOUTH

  • DAKOTA.

  • AND VIVOS IS EXPANDING ITS BUNKER SUPPLY INTERNATIONALLY.

  • RIGHT NOW, THEY ARE DEVELOPING A 1,000-PERSON SHELTER IN GERMANY.

  • BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS "RIGHT SIDE OF HISTORY" LIKE AN UNDERGROUND

  • BUNKER IN GERMANY.

  • WE HAVE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • ROBERT DE NIRO IS HERE, BOBBY "D."

  • BUT WHEN I RETURN, I PREVIEW THIS YEAR'S HOTTEST MOTHER'S DAY