字幕列表 影片播放 列印英文字幕 -Welcome to "Late Night." How's everybody doing? If you wanna know how I'm doing -- every doll in this attic has a first and last name now. [ Laughing ] Isn't that right, Miss Claudia Calloway? [ Laughs ] You're my best friend? Let's get to the news. President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump held a ceremony in the White House Rose Garden today for the National Day of Prayer, but, when she opened her eyes, he was still there. During an Oval Office event yesterday, President Trump called the coronavirus the invisible enemy and said he views the virus like a war. In other words, safely, from thousands of miles away. That's right, President Trump called the coronavirus the "invisible enemy." But, to be fair, that's also what he calls the little piece of lettuce they try to hide in his burgers. [ As Trump ] Nice try, invisible enemy. After declaring yesterday National Nurses Day, President Trump met with a group of nurses in the Oval Office. Said Trump, "I just want you guys to know you're my favorite category." German Chancellor Angela Merkel announced yesterday that the country would begin the next phase of reopening from the coronavirus pandemic. And this is cool -- she might finally get to see her hairstylist. If we can't -- I know, but if we can't joke about that now, [ Mumbling ] I don't know. What else is there for us? Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is reportedly planning to travel to Israel next week for a 24-hour visit amid the coronavirus pandemic, which, if you ask me, Israeli ["is really" unnecessary. Matt Goldich wrote a joke whose punch line is "Israeli ["is really"] unnecessary." Mother's Day is this Sunday, so now all I have to do is figure out when Sunday is. Is today Sunday? Hm. The CEO of grocery chain Kroger said yesterday that Americans will have meat during the coronavirus pandemic, so long as they are "flexible." Although, isn't being flexible on meat what got us into this, in the first place? So... Tomorrow is No Socks Day. Good! 'Cause I'm startin' to feel creepy, walkin' around the house wearing just socks. [ Laughs ] Finally, budget airline Allegiant Air has begun offering customers free health and safety kits on all flights to stop the spread of coronavirus. That story again -- Some airline you never heard of is offering you more help than your president. That was the monologue, everybody. And shout-out to my son Ashe, who promised he would be quiet the whole monologue, and he did it. Good job, buddy. -Thank you.