字幕列表 影片播放 列印英文字幕 -How's everyone doing tonight? Are you realizing that meal you love cooking more than anything no longer brings you joy after eating it 15 times last month? Yeah. Same here. Let's get to the news. President Trump participated in a Fox News virtual town hall at the Lincoln Memorial yesterday. Said Lincoln, "This is literally the worst thing that's ever happened to me." That's right -- President Trump participated in a Fox News town hall at the Lincoln Memorial, though I think Fox was just excited to finally feature a competent Republican president. During a Fox News town hall last night, President Trump claimed that reporters asked him the "most horrible, horrendous, biased questions" during press conferences. Said the Fox reporter, "Do you think it's because you're too hot? Do you think that might be it?" Newly appointed White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany had her first formal briefing on Friday and told reporters she will "never lie to them." Oh, really? Even the way you spell "Kayleigh" is a lie. G-H? Come on, now. Where'd those come from? According to a new survey, New York governor Andrew Cuomo and his brother, CNN anchor Chris Cuomo, were as attractive to New York women as the Jonas brothers. Said New York women, "Listen, we've been locked inside for a long time. Just keep that in mind when reading hotness surveys." In a radio interview last week, New York governor Andrew Cuomo was asked if he was still an eligible bachelor, though I think he made that clear at his last press conference. A strip club in Oregon is offering a drive-through experience for customers in the parking lot during the coronavirus pandemic. You know it's bad when a strip club is following safety guidelines better than the vice president. Although, in his defense, I bet he wears a mask to a strip club. Health officials in Michigan have launched a free condom-delivery service during the coronavirus pandemic, because they realize maybe it's best these guys don't reproduce. A man in Iceland set a world record over the weekend by lifting over 1,100 pounds. Said the man, "Why isn't anyone helping me?" It was an accidental record. He didn't mean to lift 1,100 pounds, you guys. According to a new report, Americans are buying more processed food during the coronavirus pandemic, most notably, processed grapes. And, finally, today was "Star Wars" Day. So go ahead, finally tell that kid you're his dad. Scollins! Mike Scollins, everybody. Go give him an earful on Twitter. Hey, that was the monologue.