WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

JUST HEARING THE BAND DO THE THEME SONG IS STRANGELY MOVING.

I FORGOT HOW MUCH I MISSED HEARING THOSE GUYS!

IT'S HOW MANY DAYS?

HOW MANY DAYS HAVE WE BEEN DOING THIS?

40 DAYS.

THIS IS THE 40th DAY THAT I HAVE BEEN QUARANTINED WITH MY

WIFE AND KIDS.

I FEEL LIKE NOAH, BUT I ONLY HAVE ONE DOG, AND HE'S ONLY

INTERESTED IN MY LEG.

WE ALL WANT HAIRCUTS AT THIS POINT.

I DID SOMETHING DRASTIC TONIGHT, I COMBED MY HAIR IN THE OTHER

DIRECTION JUST FOR A CHANGE OF PACE AND THAT WAS A BAD IDEA.

FIRST OF ALL, I'M GETTING A VERY P ATRICIAN FLOP OVER HERE.

THIS THE VERY MID-'70s JACKSON BROWN.

OVER HERE, THERE'S A LOT OF EMPTY REAL ESTATE I DIDN'T KNOW

WAS THERE.

THIS IS USUALLY COVERED BY THE COMBOVER.

WE SHOULD TALK TO THE NETWORK AND SELL AD SPACE THERE.

IT COULD SAY HONDA, MOUNTAIN DEW OR V.W.

WHO'S THE SPONSOR RIGHT NOW?

>> CLARITIN.

>> Stephen: STAY CLARITIN CLEAR!

BUT YOU'RE REALLY BEGINNING TO FEEL IT, NOW, IN WEEK SEVEN OF

THIS NATIONWIDE LOCKDOWN.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I WILL STAY INSIDE FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES.

I'M JUST SAYING, I DIDN'T KNOW I WOULD RUN OUT OF PATIENCE BEFORE

I RAN OUT OF TOILET PAPER.

ONE OF THE MOST FRUSTRATING ASPECTS OF THIS WHOLE LOCKDOWN

IS THAT THERE ISN'T ONE CONSISTENT MESSAGE FROM OUR

LEADERSHIP.

HOW COME I'M STILL GROUNDED AND GEORGIA GETS TO GO OUT AND PLAY?

IT'S NOT FAIR!

WE BOTH MADE THE MISTAKE OF BEING MORTAL!

I'M SORRY!

ALSO, IT WOULD BE EASIER TO AGREE ON WHAT TO DO IF WE ALL

KNEW HOW LONG WE WERE SUPPOSED TO DO IT.

ON FRIDAY, WE GOT WHAT APPEARED TO BE GOOD NEWS FROM VICE

PRESIDENT PENCE: >> IF YOU LOOK AT THE TRENDS

TODAY THAT-- I THINK BY MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND WE WILL LARGELY HAVE

THIS CORONAVIRUS EPIDEMIC BEHIND US.

>> STEPHEN: GREAT.

MEMORIAL DAY.

PUT AWAY THE N-95 MASKS, BREAK OUT THE N-95 BIKINIS.

BUT YESTERDAY, THAT IDEA GOT SHOT DOWN BY DR. DEBORAH BIRX:

>> SOCIAL DISTANCING WILL BE WITH US THROUGH THE SUMMER.

>> STEPHEN: OF COURSE, SHE'S GOING TO SAY THAT.

SHE'S ALWAYS DRESSED FOR FALL.

THE QUARANTINES IS DRIVING EVERYONE A LITTLE CRAZY, EXCEPT

DONALD TRUMP.

IT'S DRIVING HIM A LOT CRAZY.

TAKE THURSDAY'S PRESS BRIEFING.

AFTER AN EXPERT FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY

TOLD THE MEDIA THAT DISINFECTANTS AND SUNLIGHT WERE

VERY EFFECTIVE AGAINST THE VIRUS ON SURFACES, TRUMP FLOATED THIS

POSSIBLE COVID CURE: >> I SEE THE DISINFECTANT, WHERE

IT KNOCKS IT OUT IN A MINUTE.

ONE MINUTE.

AND IS THERE A WAY WE CAN DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT, BY

INJECTION INSIDE OR-- OR ALMOST A CLEANING.

BECAUSE YOU SEE IT GETS IN THE LUNGS, AND IT DOES A TREMENDOUS

NUMBER ON THE LUNGS.

SO IT WOULD BE INTERESTING TO CHECK THAT.

>> STEPHEN: HE'S SUGGESTING INJECTING BLEACH TO FIGHT

CORONAVIRUS.

IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT HIS SUPPORTERS ARE ALL WHITE ON THE

OUTSIDE.

OBVIOUSLY, NO ONE SHOULD DO THAT.

SO, THIS WEEKEND, PEOPLE DID IT.

MULTIPLE STATES SAW AN UPTICK IN CALLS TO POISON CONTROL, AND

TRUMP'S COMMENTS WERE UNIVERSALLY REVILED, SO ON

FRIDAY, HE DID DAMAGE CONTROL.

>> MR. PRESIDENT, CAN YOU CLARIFY YOUR COMMENTS ABOUT

INJECTIONS OF DISINFECTANT?

THEY'RE QUITE PROVOCATIVE-- >> I WAS ASKING THE QUESTION

SARCASTICALLY TO REPORTERS LIKE YOU.

>> STEPHEN: OH, YEAH, TRUMP IS FAMOUS FOR HIS SARCASTIC

COMMENTS, LIKE THIS ONE: >> PRESERVE, PROTECT AND DEFEND

THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES.

>> STEPHEN: HILARIOUS.

TRUMP GOT SO MUCH HEAT FOR THE COMMENT THAT HE THREATENED TO

STOP DOING PRESS BRIEFINGS AT ALL, TWEETING, "WHAT IS THE

PURPOSE OF HAVING WHITE HOUSE NEWS CONFERENCES WHEN THE

LAMESTREAM MEDIA ASKS NOTHING BUT HOSTILE QUESTIONS, AND THEN

REFUSES TO REPORT THE TRUTH OR FACTS ACCURATELY.

THEY GET RECORD RATINGS, AND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE GET NOTHING BUT

FAKE NEWS.

NOT WORTH THE TIME AND EFFORT!" YES, IT'S SO HOSTILE TO QUOTE

THE PRESIDENT TO HIMSELF!

(AS TRUMP) "LOOK, MY PRESS BRIEFINGS ARE

ALL SAID IN THE STRICTEST CONFIDENCE.

WHAT'S SAID DIRECTLY INTO A CAMERA, STAYS DIRECTLY INTO A

CAMERA."

HE DIDN'T SHOW UP FOR THE PRESS BRIEFING YESTERDAY, ALTHOUGH,

THE WHITE HOUSE EXPLAINED THAT IT WAS MELANIA'S BIRTHDAY.

THEY CELEBRATED BY SPENDING A QUIET EVENING IN SEPARATE ROOMS.

THEY WERE SOCIAL DISTANCING YEARS BEFORE IT WAS COOL.

TRUMP ALSO SCRAPPED TODAY'S WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING,

UNTIL IT WAS ANNOUNCED, "PRESIDENT @REALDONALDTRUMP WILL

BRIEF THE NATION DURING A PRESS CONFERENCE THIS EVENING."

WOW, THAT FLIPPED SO FAST, I GOT WHIPLASH.

I'LL BE FINE.

I'LL INJECT SOME BLEACH INTO MY SPINE.

BUT STRATEGICALLY, THIS IS A GOOD MOVE.

HE DOESN'T WANT LAST THURSDAY TO BE THE FINAL IMPRESSION OF THESE

BRIEFINGS.

(AS TRUMP) "EVERYBODY DRINK POISON.

DONNY T. OUT!" TRUMP VENTED HIS FRUSTRATION AT

THE MEDIA IN GENERAL: "WHEN WILL ALL OF THE

'REPORTERS' WHO HAVE RECEIVED 'NOBLE' PRIZES FOR THEIR WORK ON

RUSSIA, RUSSIA, RUSSIA, ONLY TO HAVE BEEN PROVEN TOTALLY WRONG

BE TURNING BACK THEIR CHERISHED 'NOBLES'?

WHEN WILL THE 'NOBLE' COMMITTEE DEMAND THE PRIZES BACK?

WHEN WILL THE 'NOBLE' COMMITTEE ACT?

BETTER BE FAST!" AH, YES, THE CHERISHED "NOBLE"

PRIZE, GIVEN TO SUCH LAUREATES AS ALBERT EINSTAIN AND MARTIN

BURGER KING.

TRUMP CLEARLY MEANT THE "NOBEL" PRIZE, EXCEPT THERE IS NO NOBEL

PRIZE FOR JOURNALISM, WHICH THE INTERNET HELPFULLY POINTED

OUT.

SO TRUMP REVIVED HIS NEW FAVORITE DEFENSE, TWEETING

"DOES ANYBODY GET THE MEANING OF WHAT A SO-CALLED 'NOBLE'-- NOT

NOBEL-- PRIZE IS, ESPECIALLY AS IT PERTAINS TO REPORTERS AND

JOURNALISTS?

NOBLE IS DEFINED AS, 'HAVING OR SHOWING FINE PERSONAL QUALITIES

OR HIGH MORAL PRINCIPLES AND IDEALS.'

DOES SARCASM EVER WORK?" (SARCASTICALLY)

OH, SARCASM WORKS GREEEAAAT.

SARCASM'S ABSOLUTELY THE BEST THING FOR A PRESIDENT TO DO IN

THE MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC.

YOU'RE DOING AMAZING, MR. PRESIDENT.

TRUMP MIGHT BE TRYING TO PUT A HOLD ON HIS DAILY PRESS

CONFERENCES, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S GIVEN UP ON HAVING AN

AUDIENCE, BECAUSE IN JUNE, TRUMP WILL TRAVEL TO WEST POINT TO

SPEAK AT THE U.S. MILITARY ACADEMY GRADUATION.

UNLESS HE COMES DOWN WITH THROAT SPURS.

THERE IS ONE CATCH.

LIKE MOST COLLEGES, WEST POINT ALREADY SENT CADETS HOME BECAUSE

OF CORONAVIRUS, AND NOW THEY HAVE TO BRING BACK 1,000 CADETS

FOR TRUMP'S COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS.

SURE, THAT'S HAZARDOUS.

BUT THOSE CADETS TRAINED TO BRAVELY SERVE WHEREVER THEIR

COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF SENDS THEM: WHETHER IT'S IRAQ, SYRIA, OR

EGO-SLAVIA.

KEEP IN MIND, TRUMP DIDN'T RUN THIS SPEECH IDEA BY THE MILITARY

BRASS.

"WEST POINT OFFICIALS SAID THEY WERE TAKEN ABACK BY THE

IMPROMPTU ANNOUNCEMENT."

MAKING TRUMP THE FIRST COMMANDER IN CHIEF TO LAUNCH A SNEAK

ATTACK ON HIS OWN ARMY.

GETTING THE CADETS BACK TO CAMPUS SAFELY WON'T BE EASY.

RETURNING SENIORS WILL BE TESTED OFF-CAMPUS FOR THE CORONAVIRUS.

THOSE WHO TEST NEGATIVE WILL THEN BE SENT TO THE SCHOOL,

WHERE THEY WILL BE MONITORED FOR 14 DAYS BEFORE GRADUATION.

THAT'S A LOT OF BUILD-UP.

IT BETTER BE A GREAT SPEECH.

(AS TRUMP) "CONGRATULATIONS, CLASS OF 2020.

AS YOU EMBARK ON YOUR JOURNEY, REMEMBER: ONE TIME, NO ONE SAID

I COULD WIN, BUT AFTER I WON WISCONSIN IT LOOKED PRETTY GOOD.

LOCK HER UP!

THE END."

YOU CAN SEND THEM HOME NOW.

ONCE THEY'RE ASSEMBLED, WHO KNOWS HOW SAFE THE CADETS WILL

ACTUALLY BE, BECAUSE TRUMP TOLD REPORTERS HE DID NOT LIKE

THE LOOK OF A SOCIALLY-DISTANCED GRADUATION, SAYING HE PREFERS

CEREMONIES THAT ARE "NICE AND TIGHT."

(AS TRUMP) "I LIKE IT NICE AND TIGHT.

I WANT TO BE ABLE TO BOUNCE A QUARTER OFF THIS GRADUATION.

CADETS, PUT ON YOUR DRESS SPANX."

TRUMP'S NOT THE ONLY DANGER TO OUR MILITARY.

SO IS NORTH KOREA.

AND THERE'S A MYSTERY BREWING ABOUT NORTH KOREAN DICTATOR AND

MAN THEY MODELED LEGO HEADS AFTER, KIM JONG-UN.

TRUMP'S LITTLE ROCKET BUDDY HASN'T BEEN SEEN IN PUBLIC FOR

WEEKS, AND RUMORS STARTED FLYING WHEN HE FAILED TO MAKE A PUBLIC

APPEARANCE ON APRIL 15, WHICH IS NORTH KOREA'S MOST IMPORTANT

HOLIDAY, THE BIRTHDAY OF HIS GRANDFATHER AND FOUNDER OF

THE REGIME, KIM IL-SUNG.

YOU CAN'T BLAME HIM FOR SOCIALLY DISTANCING FROM HIS GRANDFATHER.

HE'S IN THAT GROUP OF ESPECIALLY VULNERABLE PEOPLE: DEAD FOR 26

YEARS.

SO WHERE IS KIM JONG-UN?

NOBODY KNOWS.

LAST WEEK, SOUTH KOREAN MEDIA REPORTED THAT KIM MAY HAVE

UNDERGONE CARDIOVASCULAR SURGERY.

WHAT?

BUT HE'S SO YOUNG AND VIBRANT!

LOOK AT HIM LAUGHING WITH HIS BEST FRIEND, VAT OF LUBE.

A SOUTH KOREAN OFFICIAL CLAIMS THE RUMORS ARE "UN"-TRUE.

INSTEAD, "KIM JONG-UN IS ALIVE AND WELL.

HE HAS BEEN STAYING IN THE WANSAN AREA."

YES.

I REMEMBER HOW SAD MY KIDS WERE WHEN OUR DOG RUSTY HAD TO GO

"STAY IN THE WANSAN AREA."

BUT THAT HASN'T STOPPED PEOPLE FROM WILDLY SPECULATING.

IT'S BEING REPORTED THAT KIM JONG-UN IS EITHER IN A

"VEGETATIVE STATE," ALIVE AND WELL, DEAD, BRAIN-DEAD OR JUST

FINE.

HEADLINES SHOULDN'T BE MULTIPLE CHOICE.

THERE'S A REASON WE NEVER SAW "WAR! OR, YOU KNOW, PEACE."

OF COURSE, NOBODY KNOWS WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON.

AND IT WOULD BE IRRESPONSIBLE OF ME TO SPECULATE THAT KIM JONG-UN

IS ALIVE OR DEAD OR, AFTER A TRAGIC ACCIDENT AT A LUBE

FACTORY, IS NOW JUST A HEAD IN A JAR.

WHICH, I SHOULD NOT SPECULATE, IN A GROTESQUE EXPERIMENT, HAS

BEEN STITCHED TO THE BODY OF A BEAR, WHICH NOW ROAMS THE

FORESTS SEARCHING FOR MORE LUBE.

NEITHER MAN NOR BEAST, YEARNING FOR A LOVE HE WILL NEVER FEEL.

THAT'S JUST NOT TRUE.

OR IS IT?

IT'S NOT.

BUT IT COULD BE.

HE'S PROBABLY FINE.

LIKE I SAID EARLIER, QUARANTINE CONTINUES FOR MOST PEOPLE.

YOU MIGHT HAVE NOTICED, SINCE YOU ARE ONE.

AND I WANTED TO CELEBRATE YOU, THE EVERYDAY HEROES OF SOCIAL

ISOLATION, WHICH IS WHY I MADE THESE SHIRTS, WITH ALL PROCEEDS

GOING TO CHARITY.

YOU CAN GET YOUR OWN AT COLBERTLATESHOW.COM/

UNITEDWESTAND.

THANKS TO YOU, TODAY I'M HAPPY TO REPORT THAT OUR SHIRTS HAVE

RAISED $184,589.37 FOR CHARITY!

THAT'S A LOT OF BENJAMINS!

THAT MONEY WILL BE SPLIT BETWEEN WORLD CENTRAL KITCHEN, WHERE,

EVERYDAY, OUR FRIEND JOSE ANDRES IS HELPING PUT FOOD ON THE TABLE

FOR HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF FAMILIES WHO ARE OUT OF WORK;

AND TO GIVE-DIRECTLY, WHICH DISTRIBUTES CASH TO WHERE IT CAN

DO THE MOST GOOD, OUR NATION'S POOREST HOUSEHOLDS.

SO IF YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN YOURS YET, HEAD TO COLBERTLATESHOW.COM

/UNITEDWESTAND.

GET YOUR SHIRT.

IT'S A QUALITY PRODUCT.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TODAY.

MY GUEST IS COMEDIAN AND STARE OF BRD'WAY, JOHN MULANEY.

STICK AROUND.

STICK AROUND.

♪ ♪