>> FINE.

>> Stephen: HOW'S THE HAIR?

>> IT'S CROOKED.

>> Stephen: IT'S CROOKED?

THERE YOU GO.

THAT'S BETTER.

WHO'S THE GUEST TONIGHT.

>> THANDIE NEWTON.

>> Stephen: I HAVE JUICE NEWTON,

SIR ISAAC NEWTONS.

I HAVE NEWTON, COMMA, FIG.

THERE YOU GO.

THANDIE NEWTON.

JIM, HOW IS IT LOOKING?

>> WE'RE STILL GETTING THE SATELLITE.

WE NEED 30 SECONDS.

>> Stephen: OKAY, I'LL JUST TAKE A NAP THEN!

THIS SORT OF THING NEVER HAPPENED AT THE ED SULLIVAN

THEATER.

I WISH I WAS THERE AGAIN.

>> IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT"."

TONIGHT, STEPHEN SLEEPING OR IS HE WEAK?

PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES THANDIE NEWTON, AND INA GARTEN.

WITH A SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY JOHN MULANEY, FEATURING JON

BATTISTE AND STAY HUMAN.

AND NOW LIFE FROM HIS OWN SUBCONSCIOUS, IT'S STEPHEN

COLBERT!

>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH,

PLEASE, PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, EVERYBODY, IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND

THE WORLD.

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: HOLD ON A SECOND.

THERE YOU GO.

FOLKS, AS YOU CAN SEE, I AM COMING TO ONCE AGAIN FROM THE

BEAUTIFUL ED SULLIVAN THEATER HERE IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN.

AND I CAN DO THAT BECAUSE TODAY MAY 1, THE FEDERAL STAY-AT-HOME

ORDER HAS BEEN LIFT LIFT AND SINCE WE'RE GOVERNED BY THE

FEDERAL COMMUNICATIONS COMMISSION, I'M PRETTY SURE

THAT'S OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE.

OF COURSE, I'M PLAYING IT SAFE BY BEING A CARTOON, WHICH IS THE

ULTIMATE MASK.

GREAT TO SEE YOU AGAIN, JON.

( PIANO RIFF ) >> Jon: GREAT TO SEE YOU, TOO,

STEPHEN.

HOW DO I SOUND?

YOU.

>> Stephen: LOOK FANTASTIC.

YOU SOUND AMAZING.

I AM SO GLAD TO BE HERE, SINCE LOCKDOWN I HAVE BEEN DREAMING

ABOUT DOING THE SHOW FROM THE ED SULLIVAN.

WAIT A MINUTE.

MAYBE THIS IS JUST A DREAM.

HOLD ON, LET ME CHECK.

NOPE.

NOT WAKING UP.

THIS MUST BE REAL LIFE.

( PIANO RIFF ) >> Jon: IT'S REAL, STEPHEN, AND

I'M STAYING HUMAN.

THAT'S SOME SMOKIN' SQUID RIGHT THERE!

( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: MOVING ON TO

SOMETHING SLIGHTLY MORE CARTOONISH, DONALD TRUMP.

TRUMP'S POLL NUMBERS ARE GOING DOWN THE TWEETING THRONE BECAUSE

HE SO FRAGRANTLY SHANKED THE RESPONSE TO THE CORONAVIRUS.

FOR EXAMPLE, HIS SERIES OF DISASTROUS PRESS CONFERENCES, IN

WHICH HE SUGGESTED, AMONG OTHER THINGS, THAT PEOPLE SOMEHOW PUT

BLEACH IN THEIR BODES.

OH, LET'S GIVE THAT A TRY, OKAY, THAT'S A LITTLE TOO MUCH.

LET'S FIX THAT.

THERE YOU GO.

SO, TO CONTINUE HIS PERFECT RECORD FOR NEVER TAKING

RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING, TRUMP HAS STARTED A PUBLIC

CAMPAIGN TO BLAME CHINA FOR THE PANDEMIC.

( AS TRUMP ) "I WANT TO SEE THE VIRUS'

LONG-FORM BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

I HAVE A FEELING IT'S FROM CHINA, WHICH MANY ARE CALLING

'THE KENYA OF ASIA.'" SPECIFICALLY, TRUMP HAS

PRESSURED THE INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY FOR EVIDENCE TO

SUPPORT AN UNSUBSTANTIATED THEORY THAT A GOVERNMENT

LABORATORY IN WUHAN WAS THE ORIGIN OF THE CORONAVIRUS

OUTBREAK.

I'VE SEEN THAT THEORY, TOO, FROM MY SOURCE ON THE INTERNET, WHO

ASSURES ME, "ERMAHGERD, CERERNERVEHRUS CAME FROM A

WUHERN LERB!" BUT YESTERDAY, THE DIRECTOR OF

NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE RELEASED A STATEMENT SAYING, "THE

INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY CONCURS WITH THE WIDE SCIENTIFIC

CONSENSUS THAT THE COVID-19 VIRUS WAS NOT MANMADE OR

GENETICALLY MODIFIED."

OH, "NOT GENETICALLY MODIFIED."

SO IT'S BETTER FOR YOU THAN CORN?

SCIENTIFIC CONSENSUS IS THAT COVID 19 "BEGAN AS A BAT VIRUS."

NO WORD YET ON HOW IT SPREAD TO HUMANS, BUT SCIENTISTS THINK THE

LIKELY CULPRIT WAS THIS MAN.

"I HAD SEX WITH A BAT.

UPSIDE DOWN.

IT WAS PRETTY HOT."

YESTERDAY, TRUMP SAID HE BELIEVED THE WUHAN LAB

CONSPIRACY THEORY, AND THEN REPORTERS PRESSED HIM ON WHY HE

BELIEVED THAT.

>> Stephen: MY QUESTION IS HAVE YOU SEEN ANYTHING AT THIS

POINT THAT GIVES YOU A HIGH DEGREE OF CONFIDENCE THAT THE

WUHAN INSTITUTE OF VIROLOGY WAS THE SOURCE?

>> YES, I HAVE.

YES, I HAVE.

>> Stephen: YES, HE HAS.

TRUMP LOOKED AT THE VIRUS UNDER A MICROSCOPE AND SAW IT WAS

CLEARLY MADE IN CHINA.

THE REPORTER PRESSED HIM FURTHER.

>> WHAT GIVES YOU A HIGH DEGREE OF CONFIDENCE THAT THIS

ORIGINATED FROM THE WUHAN INSTITUTE OF VIROLOGY?

>> I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT.

I'M NOT ALLOWED TO TELL YOU THAT.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I COULD TELL YOU, BUT THEN I'D

HAVE TO KILL YOU.

PROBABLY WITH THE VIRUS I'M NOT TAKING SERIOUSLY."

AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO"?

YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT.

ANYTHING YOU SAY IS INSTANTLY DECLASSIFIED.

( AS TRUMP ) "LOOK, I'D LOVE TO TELL YOU, BUT

MY BOSS WOULD KILL ME.

AGAIN, WITH THE VIRUS I'M NOT TAKING SERIOUSLY."

TRUMP MADE THESE COMMENTS AT AN EVENT ABOUT PROTECTING SENIORS,

A GROUP HE'S NOT SURE HE BELONGS TO.

>> THIS AFTERNOON, I'LL SIGN A PROCLAMATION DECLARING THE MONTH

OF MAY TO BE "OLDER AMERICANS MONTH."

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M IN THAT CATEGORY.

I HAVE A FEELING I AM.

BUT I FEEL GOOD.

>> Stephen: THE I'M PRETTY SURE BEING CONFUSED ABOUT

WHETHER YOU BELONG IN THE "OLDER AMERICANS"

CATEGORY MEANS YOU BELONG IN THE "OLDER AMERICANS" CATEGORY.

TRUMP ALSO WEIGHED IN ON THE CHARACTER OF HIS OLD PAL GENERAL

MICHAEL FLYNN.

>> I THINK HE IS A FINE MAN.

I THINK HE HAS GOT A GREAT FAMILY.

HE LOVES HIS SON.

I WILL TELL YOU, HIS SON WAS AROUND A LOT, AND HE LOVES HIS

SON, AS PEOPLE GENERALLY DO.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "PEOPLE GENERALLY LOVE THEIR

SONS BUT, OF COURSE, THERE IS AN ERIC TO EVERY RULE."

TRUMP DESPERATELY MISSES HIS RALLIES.

SO ON SUNDAY, HE'S PLANNING WHAT HE HOPES IS THE NEXT BEST THING.

"A TWO-HOUR EVENT ON EMERGING FROM THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC

LIVE FROM THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL."

I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING MORE APPROPRIATE THAN STANDING IN

FRONT OF LINCOLN MEMORY ALTHOUGH SAYING, STATES CAN DO WHATEVER

THEY WANT.

IT'S UP TO THEM.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE DOING IT IN FRONT OF A MAN FROZEN IN STONE,

INDOORS, SITTING IN A CHAIR FOR ALL ETERNITY."

WE HAVEN'T HEARD A LOT FROM THE PRESUMPTIVE DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE

AND NATIONAL TOOTH PRESERVE, JOE BIDEN.

HE HAS BEEN SILENT ABOUT THE SEXUAL ASSAULT CHARGES MADE BY

TARA READE.

HE TOLD WANT ASSOCIATED PRESS, WHEN SHE WORKED FORED BY NEN

1993, HE RUBBED HER SHOULDERS AND NECK AND PLAYED WITH HER

HAIR.

NOW, THAT WOULD BE WRONG EVEN IF HE WERE HER HAIRDRESSER, UNLESS

HE WORKED AT SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE CUT.

BUT IN A RECENT PODCAST, READE TOOK THE ALLEGATIONS FURTHER,

SAYING, HE DID SOMETHING REALLY BAD, SOMETHING I'M NOT ALLOWED

TO SAY ON CBS.

HOW DO I DO THIS?

A LITTLE HELP, PLEASE.

>> GRAB THEM BY THE PUSSY.

>> Stephen: YES, WHAT HE SAID AND DID.

PARTS OF READE'S STORY HAVE BEEN CORROBORATED BY HER BROTHER, A

FORMER COWORKER, AND A FORMER NEIGHBOR WHO ALL SAID SHE TOLD

THEM ABOUT IT AT THE TIME.

AND A NEWLY RESURFACED VIDEO APEERS TO SHOW READE'S MOTHER

CALLING IN TO "LARRY KING LIVE" TO SEEK ADVICE.

YOU KNOW IT'S A ROUGH ERA FOR WOMEN WHEN THEIR BEST OPTION WAS

TO CALL LARRY KING.

IT WAS EITHER, THAT THE BUTTERBALL HOT LINE OR BEING

CALL NUMBER 10 ON WYYY IN THE MORNING WITH WALLY AND THE

SNOOCH.

WHAT'S THE PHRASE THAT MAKES ABUSERS PAY.

THAT'S A QUICK TRIK ONE ♪ I DON'T WANT TO WORK

I JUST WANT TO BANG ON THE DRUM ALL DAY

♪ TODAY THE FORMER VICE PRESIDENT FINALLY ADDRESSED THE

CHARGE AND MIKA MORNIN' DROVE STRAIGHT AT IT.

>> WOULD YOU GO ON THE RECORD WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE?

DID YOU SEXUALLY ASSAULT TARA READE.

>> NO, IT'S NOT TRUE.

I'M SAYING UNEQUIVOCALLY TNEVER, NEVER HAPPENED, AND IT DIDN'T,

NEVER HAPPENED.

>> Stephen: THERE IT IS.

COMPLETE DENIAL.

AND FURTHERMORE HE DOESN'T REMEMBER HER COMPLAINING ABOUT

HIM.

>> I DON'T REMEMBER ANY TYPE OF COMPLAINT SHE MAY HAVE MADE.

IT WAS 27 YEARS AGO.

I DON'T REMEMBER, NOR DOES ANYONE ELSE THAT I'M AWARE OF.

THE FACT IS THAT-- THAT I DON'T REMEMBER.

I DON'T REMEMBER ANY COMPLAINT EVER BEEN MADE.

>> Stephen: SO HE DOESN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING, THOUGH

RESEARCH DOES SHOW THERE IS MEMORY LOSS ASSOCIATED WITH

DECADES OF HUFFING HAIR.

MIKA PUSHED BIDEN, ASKING IF HE COULD PROMISE HER HE NEVER HAD A

SEXUAL ASSAULT COMPLAINT.

AND HE DID NOT HESITATE TO EQUIVOCATE.

>> I AM ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE THAT NO ONE THAT I AM AWARE OF EVER

WAS BEEN MADE AWARE OF ANY COMPLAINT, A FORMAL COMPLAINT

MADE BY, OR COMPLAINT BY TARA READE AGAINST ME AT THE TIME

THIS ALLEGEDLY HAPPENED 27 YEARS AGO OR UNTIL THE-- I ANNOUNCED

FOR PRES-- WELL, I GUESS IT WAS IN APRIL OR MAY OF THIS

YEAR.

I KNOW OF NO ONE WHO IS AWARE THAT ANY COMPLAINT WAS MADE.

>> Stephen: THAT'S A LOT OF QUALIFICATIONS.

( AS JOE BIDEN ) "LOOK, LOOK, I'M NOT AWARE THAT

I AM AWARE OF ANYBODY BEING AWARE OF ANY PERSONS KNOWING

THAT ANYONE WAS AWARE OF A COMPLAINT TO MY AWARENESS,

LISTEN, JACK, I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU'RE AWARE,

AS LONG YOU'RE NOT A WEREWOLF.

WHAT'S THE QUESTION?

TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT THE BIDEN CASE YESTERDAY, AND HE WAS

UNHELPFULLY SYMPATHETIC.

>> YOU KNOW, IT COULD BE FALSE ACCUSATIONS.

I KNOW ALL ABOUT FALSE ACCUSATIONS.

I HAVE BEEN FALSELY CHARGED NUMEROUS TIMES.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "LOOK, I'LL MAKE JOE A DEAL.

I'LL SAY THAT HE WAS FALSELY ACCUSED THIS ONE TIME, AS LONG

AS HE AGREES THAT I WAS FALSELY ACCUSED 21 TIMES.

TELL YOU WHAT-- LET ME SWEETEN THE DEAL.

EVEN IF HE LOSES IN NOVEMBER.

I PROMISE TO MAKE HIM A SUPREME COURT JUSTICE.

NOBODY TELL HIM WHAT BOOFING IS."

LIKE MANY OF THESE CASES, IT'S HARD TO KNOW EXACTLY WHAT

HAPPENED AFTER SO MANY YEARS.

AND A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE COMPARED THIS TO ACCUSATIONS OF

CHRISTINE BLASEY FORD AGAINST BRETT KAVANAUGH.

AND THAT'S LEGITIMATE.

AND WHILE BOTH ACCUSATIONS SHOULD BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, THERE

IS AT LEAST ONE DIFFERENCE: A NOMINEE TO THE SUPREME COURT

GOES THROUGH A PROCESS OF INVESTIGATION BY THE F.B.I. THEN

CONFIRMATION BY THE SENATE.

THEN THE SENATORS JUDGE.

BUT FOR THE PRESIDENCY, THERE'S ONLY YOU, THE VOTERS.

YOU'RE THE JURY.

AND YOU ARE READY TO BE A JURY, BECAUSE YOU'RE ALREADY

SEQUESTERED.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

FROM HBOH,'S "WEST WORLD "THANDIE NEWTON IS HERE.

BUT WHEN WE RETURN, PROOF THAT THE PRESIDENT WATCH MY SHOW.

HI, IN PRESIDENT.