OH, HI.

WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

MY WIFE AND I WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT WHEN-- WHEN WE GET TO FIND

OUT WHAT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING SO WE CAN ALL GO BACK TO LIVING OUR

LIVES.

SURE, I'M JUST LOOKING FORWARD TO THE GLORIOUS DAY WHEN THIS

SCRIESS OVER, AND I CAN RIP OFF MY MASK AND GO INTO A

CROWDED ROOM FULL OF ELDERLY PEOPLE AND LICK THEM ALL.

AND WHAT GETS ME IS PRESIDENT TRUMP SHOULD HAVE SEEN

THE COVID CRISIS COMING.

WE'RE NOW LEARNING THAT AS FAR BACK AS JANUARY, "THE

PRESIDENT'S INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING BOOK REPEATEDLY CITED

THE VIRUS THREAT."

WELL, THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM.

THOSE ARE THREE OF TRUMP'S LEAST FAVORITE WORDS: "INTELLIGENCE,"

"BRIEFING," AND "BOOK."

IF THEY REALLY WANTED HIM TO PAY ATTENTION, THEY SHOULD HAVE

CALLED IT HIS "DAILY PORNOGRAPHIC HAMBURGER FIRE

TRUCK."

FOR A GUY WHO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT, TRUMP SURE

DOES TALK A LOT.

HE WAS AT IT AGAIN YESTERDAY, BUT NOT WITHOUT A LITTLE DRAMA

BECAUSE, IN ONE DAY, THE WHITE HOUSE SCHEDULED, CANCELED, THEN

RESCHEDULED THE PRESS BRIEFING.

WHO CHANGES THEIR MIND THAT OFTEN?

IT'S A PRESS BRIEFING, DON, NOT A WEDDING VOW.

TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT HIS SUGGESTION LAST WEEK THAT PEOPLE

INJECT DISINFECTANT TO CURE THE CORONAVIRUS.

>> Reporter: MARYLAND AND OTHER STATES-- GOVERNOR LARRY HOGAN,

SPECIFICALLY-- SAID THEY'VE SEEN A SPIKE IN PEOPLE USING

DISINFECTANT AFTER YOUR COMMENTS LAST WEEK.

I KNOW YOU SAID THEY'RE SARCASTIC BUT--

>> I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY.

I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY, YEAH.

>> Reporter: DO YOU TAKE ANY RESPONSIBILITY IF SOMEONE WERE

TO DIE?

>> NO, I CAN'T IMAGINE-- I CAN'T IMAGINE THAT.

>> Stephen: I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY THOSE PEOPLE FOLLOWED YOUR

ADVICE.

IT'S A REAL MYSTERY-- SPECIFICALLY, "NANCY DREW AND

THE CASE OF BLEACH SHE DRANK AFTER TRUMP TOLD HER TO."

THEN, THE PRESIDENT SHIFTED BLAME TO HIS LONG-TIME NEMESIS

"FILL IN THE BLANK."

>> IT COULD HAVE BEEN STOPPED, AND IT COULD HAVE BEEN STOPPED

SHORT.

BUT SOMEBODY A LONG TIME AGO, IT SEEMS, DECIDED NOT TO DO IT THAT

WAY.

AND THE WHOLE WORLD IS SUFFERING BECAUSE OF IT.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "YES, SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE

STOPPED IT, A LONG TIME AGO, AND I DON'T WANNA SAY WHERE.

LET'S JUST SAY IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY.

THAT BAD GUY HAD A VENTILATOR ON HIS FACE.

HE KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP."

NOW, AT THE BRIEFING, THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION UNVEILED WHAT

THEY CALLED THEIR "BLUEPRINT" FOR INCREASING TESTING CAPACITY.

BUT IT LEAVES THE ONUS ON STATES TO DEVELOP THEIR OWN PLANS.

SO THEIR PLAN IS MAKE SOMEONE ELSE COME UP WITH A PLAN.

AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A COPY OF THE TRUMP BLUEPRINT:

IN FACT, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT'S BLUEPRINT DESCRIBED

THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT AS THE "SUPPLIER OF LAST RESORT."

THAT IS INSPIRING LEADERSHIP, JUST LIKE BRAVEHEART:

>> THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT THEY'LL NEVER TAKE OUR

FREEDOM!

ANYWAY, THAT'S THE BLUEPRINT!

GOOD LUCK!

I'M A FIGHTER OF LAST RESOOOORT!"

>> Stephen: THEN REPORTERS GRILLED VICE PRESIDENT MIKE

PENCE ABOUT WHY THE NUMBER OF TESTS HAS BEEN

SO MUCH LOWER THAN WHAT HE SAID THEY WOULD BE ALMOST TWO MONTHS

AGO.

>> Reporter: MR. VICE PRESIDENT, BACK IN EARLY MARCH, YOU SAID

WE'D GET FOUR MILLION TESTS BY THE FOLLOWING WEEK.

WE'VE JUST NOW GOTTEN THERE IN THE LAST FEW DAYS.

WHAT LESSONS HAVE YOU LEARNED FROM THE MISTAKES OVER THE

LAST MONTH AND A HALF OR SO?

>> JON, I APPRECIATE THE QUESTION, BUT IT REPRESENTS

A MISUNDERSTANDING ON YOUR PART-- AND, FRANKLY, A LOT OF

PEOPLE IN THE PUBLIC'S PART-- ABOUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

HAVING A TEST, VERSUS THE ABILITY TO ACTUALLY PROCESS THE

TEST.

>> Stephen: WELL, OKAY, BUT IF YOU DON'T PROCESS THE TESTS, YOU

DON'T GET ANY RESULTS!

THERE'S A REASON WHY WHEN YOU TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST: TWO

MINUTES LATER, IT DOESN'T SAY: "CONGRATULATIONS, IT'S PEE."

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE LISTENING TO THAT GUY AT ALL,

BECAUSE TODAY PENCE VISITED THE MAYO CLINIC, WHERE HE WAS THE

ONLY PERSON NOT WEARING A FACE MASK.

OH, MY GOD!

YOU ARE THE HEAD OF THE CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE, AND

YOU'RE IN THE HOSPITAL, AND YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WITHOUT

A MASK.

HOLD ON, I'VE GOT A MASK FOR YOU RIGHT HERE.

IT'S NOT LIKE THE VICE PRESIDENT DIDN'T KNOW.

THE HOSPITAL HAS A STRICT POLICY REQUIRING ALL VISITORS TO WEAR

MASKS AND TWEETED AFTER PENCE'S VISIT, "MAYO CLINIC HAD INFORMED

V.P. OF THE MASKING POLICY PRIOR TO HIS ARRIVAL TODAY."

WOW.

THAT MUST HAVE BEEN HARSH FOR MIKE PENCE TO GET ROASTED BY

HIS IDOL: MAYO.

WHILE PENCE WAS SAYING IT AND SPRAYING IT, TRUMP HAD A

CORONAVIRUS MEETING WITH FLORIDA GOVERNOR, RON DESANTIS,

SEEN HERE ESTIMATING THE SIZE OF HIS BRAIN.

RIGHT OFF THE BAT, TRUMP OFFERED SOME CRAZY IDEAS TO FIGHT THE

VIRUS, LIKE BANNING ENTIRE COUNTRIES FROM ENTERING FLORIDA.

>> YOU'RE GONNA BE CUTTING OFF BRAZIL.

>> NOT CUT THEM OFF.

BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO FLY TO MIAMI, THEN THE AIRLINES SHOULD

GIVE YOU THE ABBOTT TEST, AND THEN PUT YOU ON THE PLANE.

>> WOULD YOU EVER WANT TO BAN, CERTAIN COUNTRIES?

>> IF THERE-- IF THEY WERE SEEDING THE UNITED STATES, I

THINK WE SHOULD BAN THEM.

>> YOU'LL LET US KNOW.

>> Stephen: WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "YOU'LL LET US KNOW"?

RON DeSANTIS WILL LET THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

KNOW IF HE WANTS TO BAN A COUNTRY?

THAT'S NOT HOW THIS WORKS.

I DON'T TRUST FLORIDA WITH INTERNATIONAL POLICY.

I BARELY TRUST FLORIDA WITH FLORIDA.

DON'T ASK THEIR ADVICE.

DOESN'T TRUMP KNOW ASKING A FLORIDIAN FOR ADVICE IS

FLORIDA'S LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH?

AND THEN DeSANTIS BOASTED ABOUT FLORIDA'S SUCCESS.

HIS SECRET: HAVING JARED KUSHNER ON SPEED DIAL.

>> WHEN EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT 40,000 VENTILATORS IN NEW

YORK.

I WAS IN TOUCH WITH JARED, AND HE SAID THEY AREN'T GOING TO

NEED THAT.

AND I SAID I AGREE WITH YOUR NUMBERS.

MAYBE THINGS WILL CHANGE.

SO THEY WERE READY AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE TO GET THE VENTILATORS

WHEREVER THEY WERE NEEDED.

THEY WERE READY, WILLING, AND ABLE TO DO THAT.

>> Stephen: I'M NOT SAYING DeSANTIS IS AN ASS-KISSER.

HE COULD USE JARED'S BUTT AS A VENTILATOR.

>> Stephen: IT TURNS OUT NOT ONLY ARE THE AIRLINES FLYING.

THEY'RE STILL CROWDING PEOPLE ON BOARD.

LOOK AT RECENT FOOTAGE OF A FLIGHT FROM NEW YORK TO

CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA.

NOW, OF COURSE, THAT'S BACK IN COACH.

IN FIRST CLASS YOU GET CORONAVIRUS ON YOUR HOT TOWEL.

THE PASSENGER WHO TOOK THIS VIDEO TWEETED, SHE NEVER FELT

LESS SAFE OR CARED FOR IN HER ENTIRE LIFE.

OBVIOUSLY, SHE HAS NEVER FLOWN ON SPIRIT AIRLINES.

WHEN WHEN ANOTHER PASSENGER ASKED ABOUT THE CROWDED PLANE:

YES, WE KNOW IT IS A BUSINESS, BUT WHEN YOU STARTED CHARGING US

AN EXTRA $70 FOR BLOOD CIRCULATION.

BUT SOME AIRLINES ARE TRYING TO ADAPT TO THE CORONAVIRUS WORLD.

FOR EXAMPLE, JETBLUE IS THE FIRST U.S. AIRLINE TO REQUIRE

PASSENGER FACE MASKS.

JETBLUE'S CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER EXPLAINED THAT "THIS IS

THE NEW FLYING ETIQUETTE."

REPLACING THE OLD FLYING ETIQUETTE: NONE.

AND JETBLUE ISN'T THE ONLY AIRLINE DOING VIRUS PREVENTION,

BECAUSE AirAsia HAS LAUNCHED A NEW FLIGHT ATTENDANT UNIFORM

WITH LONG SLEEVES, FACE MASK, AND HOOD.

SO, APPARENTLY, NOW YOUR FLIGHT CREW IS MANNED BY A POSSE OF

BREAK DANCERS FROM CHERNOBYL.

AIR TRAVEL IS THE LEAST OF OUR PROBLEMS, THOUGH, BECAUSE

AMERICANS COULD SEE MEAT SHORTAGES BY THE END OF THE

WEEK.

APPARENTLY, OUTBREAKS ARE FORCING THE CLOSURE OF SOME

OF THE COUNTRY'S BIGGEST SLAUGHTERHOUSES FOR SAFETY

REASONS.

YOU KNOW IT'S BAD IF SLAUGHTERHOUSES ARE DOING

SOMETHING FOR SAFETY REASONS.

THEY'RE PRETTY TOUGH PLACES.

THERE'S A REASON THEY DON'T CALL THEM "CUDDLE HOUSES."

ACCORDING TO THE CHAIRMAN OF TYSON FOODS-- MIKE TYSON, I'M

GOING TO SAY-- SUPPLY-CHAIN ISSUES MEAN THAT "MILLIONS OF

POUNDS OF MEAT WILL DISAPPEAR."

A PHRASE THAT'S ACTUALLY INSCRIBED OVER THE DOOR FRAME OF

EVERY ARBY'S.

THE SHORTAGE HAS ALREADY BEGUN.

ALMOST A THIRD OF U.S. PORK CAPACITY IS DOWN.

IT DOESN'T HELP THAT ARBY'S JUST INTRODUCED THEIR NEW SANDWICH:

"THE U.S. PORK CAPACITY."

FORTUNATELY, THIS PROBLEM CAME TO THE ATTENTION OF AMERICA'S

NUMBER-ONE MEAT FAN.

BECAUSE, TODAY, TRUMP ORDERED U.S. MEAT PLANTS TO STAY OPEN

AMID THE PANDEMIC.

WW.

HE REALLY ACTED QUICKLY TO SAVE THE MEATS.

MAYBE THEY SHOULD HAVE PUT THAT IN THE INITIAL INTELLIGENCE

BRIEFING.

( AS AIDE ) "MR. PRESIDENT, HUNDREDS OF

THOUSANDS OF AMERICANS COULD BE INFECTED WITH THIS DEADLY VIRUS.

AND SOME OF THOSE PEOPLE MAKE YOUR HAMBURGERS."

( AS TRUMP ) "QUICK.

RAMP UP THE TESTING AND FIRE UP THE GRILL."

OF COURSE, I DON'T KNOW WHY ANYONE IS SURPRISED BY THIS.

THAT OLD CRONE TRIED TO WARN US OF THE COMING MEAT SHORTAGE

YEARS AGO.

>> WHERE'S THE BEEF?

>> Stephen: WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

I'LL BE TALKING TO THE LOVELY AND TALENTED JAKE GYLLENHAAL.

BUT WHEN WE RETURN "MEANWHILE."