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  • -Donald Trump has been

  • holding daily press briefings

  • during the pandemic,

  • but his rambling, nonsensical answers

  • raise more questions than they answer,

  • so, we decided to hold another one right here, right now.

  • That's right, Donald Trump is here,

  • in my attic, and ready to go.

  • So, without any further ado, it's time

  • for the "Late Night" White House press briefing.

  • [ Suspenseful theme plays ]

  • ♪♪

  • -Thank you very much, everybody, and...

  • good afternoon.

  • -Mr. President! Mr. President!

  • Mr. President. Yes, thank you.

  • Seth Meyers, "Late Night with Seth Meyers."

  • Mr. President, you look terrific.

  • With all the salons closed down,

  • who's doin' your makeup, these days?

  • -The Army Corps of Engineers.

  • -President Trump, these briefings seem like

  • they're gettin' longer each day.

  • What do you take before you come out

  • to keep your energy up for so long?

  • -Ten drugs.

  • -Mr. President, at this point,

  • what's the only thing that could get you out of office?

  • -The resurrection of Jesus Christ.

  • -Why do you seem so... miserable right now?

  • -Because I happen to be in the White House

  • and I won't be able to go to Florida.

  • -Oh, right, yeah, Florida.

  • How would you describe your racism the past few months?

  • -Very China-centric.

  • -Personal question -- how's your marriage holdin' up

  • during the lockdown?

  • -It's a tremendous challenge.

  • It's terrible.

  • -How do you think people will remember

  • your presidency?

  • -This horrible, dark period

  • where this monster came

  • and...

  • worked its horrible, horrible spell over the world.

  • -What was the fastest

  • you've ever tuned out of a conversation?

  • -Two very smart people walked into my office

  • and they said, "Listen."

  • -Oh, that's fast.

  • President trump, you've talked a lot

  • about the war on the coronavirus,

  • but can you tell us what the war

  • on mayonnaise is all about?

  • -Slowing the spread, stopping the spread.

  • -What did you say when Eric and Don Jr. where little

  • and they got lost in the mall?

  • -I didn't see 'em. I didn't look for 'em, either.

  • -How's your cholesterol, these days?

  • -In the 400s, 300s, and sometimes even in the 500s.

  • -Is it true you can't spell Massachusetts?

  • -Same thing with Michigan, same thing with Illinois.

  • -Not sure if you're the right person to ask this question.

  • Who grows that baby corn

  • you find in Chinese food?

  • -Smaller farmers.

  • -President Trump, how would you describe

  • your relationship with chicken McNuggets?

  • -They like me and I like them.

  • -President Trump, what do they play

  • on KTU 103.5 FM, The Beat of New York?

  • -The monster hits.

  • -Mr. President, if you were a magician,

  • what would you call yourself?

  • -The Great Pandemic.

  • -There's a lotta rumors, Mr. President,

  • but is it true you're sending killer bees to different cities?

  • -6.6 million to New York and New Jersey,

  • 1.8 million to Chicago,

  • 1.7 million to Detroit,

  • and 837,000 to New Orleans.

  • -Mr. President, can you talk a little

  • about the weed gummies you've been taking?

  • -They're very high-quality.

  • I said, "You gotta go for the quality,"

  • and these are quality.

  • -What's the name of that show

  • with Stewie, the baby?

  • -Smart guy. -No, that's not it.

  • -Good guy.

  • -No.

  • The dad's name is...

  • -Peter. -Right, and that guy

  • in the wheelchair? -Joe.

  • -Okay, so you've clearly seen it.

  • -Smart guy.

  • -[ Sigh ] Whatever, fine.

  • What do you think they would've called it

  • if a guy named Nathan invented the World Wide Web?

  • -The Internate.

  • -What are your thoughts

  • on the figure-four leg lock?

  • -A very powerful hold.

  • -Mr. President, what do you say

  • when you sit down at a restaurant,

  • but the place mat doesn't have a maze on it?

  • -Hopefully, it's on the other side.

  • -Mr. President, can you describe your sons in five words?

  • -Tremendous glut of oil.

  • -Who invented meatballs?

  • -Sweden did that.

  • -What's your favorite Kurt Russell movie?

  • -Big trouble right next door.

  • -What was your nickname in high school?

  • -I was called racist.

  • -What's your favorite British boy band?

  • -Strong direction.

  • -What would you say about the testicles

  • featured in "America's Funniest Home Videos?"

  • -They're getting hit very, very hard.

  • -As fast as you can, what's the name

  • of the Hunchback of Notre Dame?

  • -Quasi-public.

  • -President Trump, when's the last time you ate a vegetable?

  • -1917.

  • -We have time for one more question.

  • Mr. President, what did you get inscribed

  • on the inside of Melania's wedding ring?

  • -People cheat.

  • -Well, it looks like we're outta time.

-Donald Trump has been

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深夜白宮簡報。特朗普總統,什麼會讓你下臺? (Late Night White House Briefing: President Trump, What Could Get You Out of Office?)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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