I'M STEVE COALBERT.

HAPPY EARTH DAY, EVERYONE.

TODAY IS A BIG ONE, BECAUSE IT'S THE 50th EARTH DAY!

THE BIG 5-0.

AND, I GOTTA SAY, EARTH'S STILL LOOKING GREAT.

SHE'S JUST GETTING HOTTER EVERY YEAR, EVEN WITH THE RECEDING

GLACIERS AND PUTTING ON A LITTLE WATER WEIGHT AROUND THE

COASTLINE.

AND EARTH IS HAVING KIND OF A MOMENT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE,

WITH PEOPLE STAYING HOME, THE EARTH IS TURNING WILDER AND

CLEANER, WITH REDUCED CO2, BETTER AIR QUALITY, AND ANIMALS

ROAMING CITY STREETS.

TURNS OUT THE BEST PRESENT FOR EARTH DAY IS THE SAME AS

MOTHER'S DAY: TIME AWAY FROM HER CHILDREN.

JUST GET ALL THE UNRULY HUMANS OUT OF HER HAIR SO MOTHER EARTH

CAN SIT IN A BUBBLE BATH AND WATCH "OUTLANDER."

NOW, WHILE HUMANS STAY INSIDE, THE WORLD'S CITIES ARE GETTING

RECLAIMED BY ANIMALS.

A PUMA ROAMED THE STREETS OF SANTIAGO, CHILE.

IN INDIA, HUNGRY MONKEYS HAVE BEEN ENTERING HOMES AND OPENING

REFRIGERATORS TO LOOK FOR FOOD.

AND COYOTES HAVE BEEN SEEN ALONG CHICAGO'S MICHIGAN AVENUE.

A COYOTE ON MICHIGAN AVENUE!

THAT'S CRAZY.

USUALLY, WHAT WITH THE TRAFFIC, THEY HAVE TO TAKE LAKE SHORE

DRIVE.

SO, DON'T BE SURPRISED IF YOU SEE A WILD ANIMAL WANDERING INTO

YOUR NORMAL ENVIRONMENT.

OH, GOD!

HERE'S ONE NOW!

COME HERE!

COME HERE.

IT'S THE WILD SNUGGLE SPANIEL.

WHO'S RECLAIMING THE EARTH FROM THE HUMANS?

YOU ARE!

YES, YOU ARE!

HE LOVES ME!

HE LOVES THIS!

BYE.

NOW, YOU HAVE TO LEAVE.

YOU CAN'T JUST CHEW ON THE ELECTRICAL CORDS.

OUT, OUT, GIVE!

MUSH!

THANKS, BENNY.

I MIGHT NEED A LINT ROLLER.

THE KAYOT-- THE COYOTES WEREN'T THE ONLY

WILD ANIMALS DOING THEIR THING.

SO WAS PRESIDENT TRUMP, WHO CELEBRATED EARTH DAY BY HOLDING

A TREE PLANTING CEREMONY.

OR AS HE SAID: >> WE'RE DOING SOMETHING I LOVE

DOING: PLANTING TREES.

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED IT.

>> Stephen: YES, TWO THINGS DONALD TRUMP HAS DEFINITELY

ALWAYS LOVED: MANUAL LABOR, AND THE THING WHERE FRUIT COMES

FROM.

TRUMP FINALLY GOT AROUND TO ACTUALLY PLANTING THE TREE.

HERE HE IS GETTING HIS EXERCISE FOR THE DECADE.

( AS TRUMP ) "I'VE GOTTEN A LOT OF PRACTICE

AT MY PRESS CONFERENCES.

EVERY DAY, I JUST DIG THAT HOLE DEEPER AND DEEPER AND DEEPER."

TRUMP ALSO CELEBRATED EARTH DAY BY THREATENING TO BLOW UP THE

PLANET, TWEETING, "I HAVE INSTRUCTED THE UNITED STATES

NAVY TO SHOOT DOWN AND DESTROY ANY AND ALL IRANIAN GUNBOATS IF

THEY HARASS OUR SHIPS AT SEA."

YOU READ THAT RIGHT.

HE'S GOING SHOOT DOWN BOATS.

( AS TRUMP ) "WE MUST RESPOND TO IRAN'S

FLYING GUNBOATS.

THEY'RE JUST AS DANGEROUS AS THEIR FLYING CARPETS.

♪ IT'S A WHOLE NEW WORLD A NEW FANTASTIC POINT OF VIEW

♪ NO ♪-- HOW DOES IT GO?

♪ NOWHERE TO GO.

DON'T YOU DARE CLOSE YOUR EYES ♪ WHAT TRUMP IS RESPONDING TO IS

VIDEO FROM THE NAVY SHOWING THAT "IRANIAN VESSELS 'HARASSED'

AMERICAN WARSHIPS IN THE ARABIAN SEA."

OKAY, THAT'S NOT GOOD, BUT WHY TWEET ABOUT IRAN NOW?

FOR THAT MATTER, WHY A NEW BAN ON IMMIGRATION?

NO ONE CAN FLY HERE ANYWAY.

RIGHT NOW, YOU MIGHT AS WELL BAN MOSH PITS.

BUT I HAVE A THEORY, A THEORY, I TELL YOU, ABOUT TRUMP'S RANDOM

TWEETSZ.

TRUMP'S APPROVAL RATINGS ARE FALLING, AND TWO-THIRDS OF

AMERICANS SAY HE WAS TOO SLOW TO RESPOND TO THE VIRUS.

DISAPPROVAL OF TRUMP IS SPREADING FASTER THAN...

SOMETHING.

WHATEVER SPREADS REALLY QUICKLY IF YOU'RE DUMB ENOUGH TO

IGNORE IT.

SO HE IS DESPERATE TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

AND I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE TO NOTICE THIS.

HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI SAID THIS YESTERDAY:

>> HE IGNORES HIS OWN RESPONSIBILITY AND ASSIGNS BLAME

INSTEAD OF TAKING RESPONSIBILITY, PAYING ATTENTION

TO SCIENCE, RECOGNIZING THE ROLE OF GOVERNANCE IN ALL OF THIS TO

GET THE JOB DONE FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

AND SO HE'S ENGAGED IN DISTRACTIONS, LIKE IMMIGRATION,

DISTRACTIONS, LIKE SUPPORTING PEOPLE ON THE STREET.

THEY'RE ALL DISTRACTIONS AWAY FROM THE FACT-- THE KNOWN FACT

THAT HE'S A TOTAL FAILURE WHEN IT COMES TO TESTING.

>> Stephen: AW, SNAP!

MR. PRESIDENT, YOU MAY WANT TO GET TESTED, BECAUSE THAT BURN

WAS SICK.

TRUMP FIRED BACK WITH AN OFFICIAL RESPONSE TO THE

SPEAKER.

( AS TRUMP ) "LOOK OUT!

FLYING IRANIAN GUNBOATS!

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

SINCERELY, PRESIDENT-- DONALD J. TRUMP!

CC: JAFAR."

HERE'S THE THING: TRUMP'S ATTEMPT TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT TO

IMMIGRATION, OR TO CHINA, OR IRAN, OR TO ANYTHING IS NOT

GOING TO WORK.

ONE REPUBLICAN CLOSE TO THE WHITE HOUSE TOLD "POLITICO" THAT

MESSAGING ALONE CANNOT SOLVE THE POLITICAL CHALLENGE THE PANDEMIC

PRESENTS FOR TRUMP.

( AS TRUMP ) "OKAY, HOW ABOUT MESSAGING AND

SITTING ON MY ENORMOUS, DIMPLED KEISTER?

BECAUSE I'M WILLING TO DO ANYTHING AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T

INVOLVE DOING ANYTHING."

THE UNNAMED REPUBLICAN PREDICTED, "IF THE TESTING DOES

NOT GET SORTED OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, IT WILL BE ANOTHER

NAIL IN AN ALMOST CLOSED COFFIN."

WELL, THAT'S AN UNFORTUNATE METAPHOR DURING A GLOBAL

PANDEMIC.

PLUS, IF YOU WANT TO GET TRUMP'S ATTENTION, SAY IT'S A NAIL IN AN

ALMOST EMPTY CHICKEN BUCKET.

TRUMP'S NORMAL TRICKS HE USES TO CHANGE THE NARRATIVE AREN'T

WORKING, BECAUSE IT'S HARD TO COME UP WITH A MORE GRIPPING

NARRATIVE THAN "STAY INSIDE," OR "YOU MIGHT DIE."

YOU CAN TWEET ALL YOU WANT, BUT IT'S HARD TO CAPTURE PEOPLE'S

HEARTS AND MINDS WHEN THEY'RE WORRIED ABOUT THEIR HEARTS AND

LUNGS.

YOU CAN'T HAVE BILL BARR REDACT THE VIRUS, OR CALL UKRAINE TO

GET DIRT ON HUNTER VIRUS, OR GET MITCH McCONNELL TO HAVE 51

REPUBLICANS VOTE THAT THERE IS NO VIRUS.

YOU CAN'T EVEN PAY THE VIRUS $130,000 TO STAY QUIET, WHICH IS

TOO BAD, BECAUSE THIS CRISIS IS SPANKING YOUR ASS.

SO, IF YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR JOB, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO

THE UNTHINKABLE: YOUR JOB.

YOU KNOW, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.

TRUMP HELD ANOTHER ONE OF HIS CORONAVIRUS DISTRACT-ATHONS LAST

NIGHT, AND HE TRIED TO PUT A POSITIVE SPIN ON HOW THINGS WERE

GOING.

>> WE CONTINUE TO GAIN GROUND IN THE WAR AGAINST THE UNSEEN

ENEMY, AND I SEE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.

I ACTUALLY SEE A LOT OF LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.

AND WE'RE STARTING THE PROCESS.

SO THE LIGHT IS GETTING BRIGHTER AND BRIGHTER EVERY DAY.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "THE LIGHT IS ALSO MAKING A

REALLY, REALLY FUN TRAIN NOISE.

WOOO-WOOO!

EVERYONE KEEPS YELLING, 'MR.

PRESIDENT, GET OFF THE TRACKS, MR. PRESIDENT,' BUT I'M STAYING

FOCUSED ON THAT APPROACHING LIGHT.

IT'S COMING PRETTY FAST."

WHATEVER TRUMP IS SEEING, CERTAIN STATES, LIKE GEORGIA,

ARE IGNORING THE ADVICE OF EXPERTS AND STARTING TO REOPEN.

SO HE AND HIS TEAM WERE ASKED ABOUT HOW EXACTLY THAT'S

SUPPOSED TO WORK.

>> Reporter: HOW DO YOU SAFELY HAVE HAIR SALONS AND NAIL SALONS

AND TATTOO PARLORS WHERE PEOPLE INHERENTLY--

>> WHERE IS THAT?

WHERE IS THAT?

>> Reporter: THIS IS IN GEORGIA, WHERE PEOPLE HAVE TO INHERENTLY

BE CLOSE TOGETHER?

>> SO IF THERE'S A WAY THAT PEOPLE CAN SOCIAL DISTANCE AND

DO THOSE THINGS, THEN THEY CAN DO THOSE THINGS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW.

BUT PEOPLE ARE VERY CREATIVE.

>> Stephen: YES, BARBERS AND HAIR STYLISTS JUST NEED TO BE

VERY CREATIVE, LIKE DUCT TAPING HAIR CLIPPERS TO A COUPLE OF

YARD STICKS, OR JUST SUBMERGING CUSTOMERS IN BARBACIDE.

TREASURY SECRETARY STEVE MNUCHIN THE NUCH, ALSO TOOK QUESTIONS

DURING THE THE BRIEFING ABOUT LARGE COMPANIES ACCEPTING

SMALL-BUSINESS LOANS, AND TRUMP HAD SOME THOUGHTS.

>> Reporter: MR. SECRETARY, ARE YOU GOING TO REQUEST THAT THOSE

OTHER COMPANIES-- OBVIOUSLY, SHAKE SHACK WAS NOT ALONE IN

BEING A BIG COMPANY THAT GOT MONEY IN THIS -- ARE YOU GOING

TO BE ASKING-- >> I'M GOING TO REQUEST THEM.

>> YOU'RE GOING ASK THEM-- >> I'M GOING TO REQUEST--

>> --TO RETURN THAT MONEY.

>> YEP.

>> HARVARD'S GOING TO PAY BACK THE MONEY.

AND THEY SHOULDN'T BE TAKING IT.

THEY ARE GOING TO PAY BACK THAT MONEY.

>> Stephen: YEAH, HARVARD, YOU KNOW THE DEAL: YOU DON'T GET TO

TAKE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, UNLESS YOU ALSO AGREE TO TAKE JARED.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> JARED SLAM!

>> Stephen: HARVARD RESPONDED TO THE PRESIDENT'S ATTACK, SAYING

THAT IT HAD NOT RECEIVED ANY FUNDS THROUGH THE P.P.P., BUT IT

HAD RECEIVED FUNDS THROUGH THE "CARES ACT" TO PROVIDE

ASSISTANCE TO STUDENTS FACING URGENT FINANCIAL NEEDS DUE TO

COVID-19.

OKAY, THAT'S A SOLID FACT CHECK.

SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY AT HARVARD WENT TO HARVARD.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> HARVARD SLAM!

>> Stephen: TRUMP WAS ALSO ASKED ABOUT HOW THE PANDEMIC IS

AFFECTING WORKERS AT HIS OWN PROPERTIES.

>> Reporter: YOUR FLORIDA CLUBS HAVE HAD TO FURLOUGH WORKERS.

>> THAT'S TRUE.

>> HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT, YOU KNOW, ASKING MAYBE YOUR FAMILY

MEMBERS TO MAYBE KEEP WORKERS ON THE PAYROLL TO HELP--

>> IN DORAL, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE THE GOLF COURSES OPEN.

YOU CAN'T HAVE THE CLUBS OPEN.

YOU CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING.

I HAVE A LOT OF DIFFERENT PROPERTIES.

BUT, AGAIN, MY CHILDREN RUN THEM, AND I LOVE MY CHILDREN,

AND I WISH THEM WELL.

I LOOK FORWARD TO COMPARING MY NUMBERS TO MY CHILDREN'S

NUMBERS.

I THINK I'LL DO BETTER.

>> Stephen: THAT'S AN INSANE THING FOR A FATHER TO SAY.

CAN YOU IMAGINE SOMEONE SAYING ANYTHING LIKE THAT ON THEIR

DEATH BED?

"CHILDREN, GATHER ROUND, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, I... LOVE...

BEING BETTER THAN YOU.

I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT MY NUMBERS.

YOU'RE HUMAN GARBAGE.

ONE GUY WHO'S SUPER GUNG-HO ABOUT RISKING OTHER PEOPLE'S

LIVES IS TEXAS LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR, DAN PATRICK.

THE LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR, WENT ON THE TV MONDAY

TO MAKE THE CASE FOR STATES REOPENING THEIR ECONOMIES, AND

HERE'S HOW HE STARTED: >> IN TEXAS, 29 MILLION PEOPLE.

WE'VE LOST 495, AND EVERY LIFE IS VALUABLE, BUT--

>> Stephen: OKAY, LET ME STOP YOU THERE.

ANYTIME YOU START A SENTENCE WITH "EVERY LIFE IS

VALUE, BUT," CHANCES ARE YOU'RE NOT THE HERO OF THE STORY.

YOU NEVER HEARD GANDHI SAY, "EVERY LIFE IS VALUABLE, BUT I

WANNA HAVE MY BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A BOWLING ALLEY!

DON'T MAKE ME STOP EATING AGAIN."

I'M SORRY, LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR, GO ON:

>> WE'VE LOST 495, AND EVERY LIFE IS VALUABLE, BUT 500 PEOPLE

OUT OF 29 MILLION, AND WE ARE LOCKED DOWN, AND WE ARE CRUSHING

THE AVERAGE WORKER.

WE ARE CRUSHING A SMALL BUSINESS.

WE ARE CRUSHING THE MARKETS.

WE ARE CRUSHING THIS COUNTRY.

THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS THAN LIVING.

THINGS AND STOP WASTING SPACE AND

PRECIOUS TOILET PAPER.

THIS IS A LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR SAYING YOU MIGHT DIE, BUT AT

LEAST IT WILL HELP BUSINESSES.

HE'S FOLLOWING THAT CLASSIC POLITICAL ADVICE: "IT'S THE

ECONOMY.

I'M STUPID."

NEW YORK CONTINUES TO BE THE HOT SPOT FOR THE CORONAVIRUS HERE IN

THE U.S., BUT THERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS IN THE BIG STERILIZED

APPLE.

A FEW WEEKS AGO, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT SENT NEW YORK A NAVAL

HOSPITAL SHIP, THE USNS "COMFORT," TO HELP EASE THE

BURDEN ON LOCAL HOSPITALS.

BUT YESTERDAY, GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO TOLD TRUMP THAT THE