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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST-- COME ON IN.

  • THIS IS MY WIFE.

  • THIS IS MY WIFE, EVIE.

  • >> HELLO.

  • >> Stephen: IS THAT FOR ME?

  • >> NO, THAT'S WATER.

  • >> Stephen: I DON'T WANT WATER.

  • EW!

  • COMFY?

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: EXCELLENT.

  • ANYWHERE, WHERE WAS I?

  • WE HAVE BEEN OUT OF THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER FOR HOW LONG?

  • SIX WEEKS.

  • I MISS IT.

  • BEING AT HOME WITH THE FAMILY IS NICE.

  • THE COMMUTE IS INCREDIBLE.

  • BUT MY MAILBOX DOESN'T HAVE MY NAME ON IT IN LIGHTS 10 FEET

  • TALL.

  • AS FRUSTRATING AS QUARANTINE IS, POLLS SHOW THAT 71% PERCENT OF

  • AMERICANS, AND 56% OF REPUBLICANS, SAY THEY ARE MORE

  • CONCERNED ABOUT LIFTING THE CORONAVIRUS RESTRICTIONS TOO

  • QUICKLY THAN LIFTING THEM TOO SLOWLY.

  • SO, WE KNOW IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

  • WE JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW LONG WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO IT.

  • WELL, BRACE YOURSELF, BECAUSE IN GERMANY, "MUNICH'S

  • OKTOBERFEST BEER FAIR HAS BEEN CANCELED OVER CORONAVIRUS

  • FEARS."

  • YOU HEARD RIGHT: IT'S APRIL, AND THEY'RE CANCELING OKTOBERFEST.

  • I'LL GIVE YOU ONE GUESS WHAT MONTH OKTOBERFEST STARTS.

  • IT'S "SEPTEMBER."

  • WHOEVER NAMED THAT BEER FESTIVAL WAS CLEARLY DRUNK.

  • PETER, YOU'VE BEEN TO OKTOBERFEST, RIGHT?

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: IS IT FUN?

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU DO?

  • >> DRINK BEER.

  • >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.

  • THAT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSE'S MOUTH RIGHT THERE.

  • THIS IS THE FIRST TIME OKTOBERFEST HAS BEEN CANCELLED

  • SINCE WORLD WAR II.

  • WOW, SOMETHING BAD MUST HAVE HAPPENED IN GERMANY DURING WORLD

  • WAR II.

  • KEEP IN MIND, GERMANY'S ONE OF THE COUNTRIES THAT MANAGED TO

  • KEEP THE PANDEMIC UNDER CONTROL, AND THEY'RE CANCELING EVENTS IN

  • THE FALL.

  • I'M GUESSING THIS HALLOWEEN, THE HOTTEST COSTUME WILL BE SEXY

  • RESPONSIBLE PERSON WHO STAYED INDOORS.

  • SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT WE'RE HOPING WILL END SOON.

  • PRESIDENT TRUMP.

  • LAST NIGHT, HE TWEETED THIS BOMBSHELL AT 10:00 P.M.: "IN

  • LIGHT OF THE ATTACK FROM THE INVISIBLE ENEMY, AS WELL AS THE

  • NEED TO PROTECT THE JOBS OF OUR GREAT AMERICAN CITIZENS, I WILL

  • BE SIGNING AN EXECUTIVE ORDER TO TEMPORARILY SUSPEND IMMIGRATION

  • INTO THE UNITED STATES!" WELL, I DON'T NECESSARILY AGREE

  • WITH IT, BUT IT IS PROBABLY THE SAFEST THING.

  • FOR THE IMMIGRANTS.

  • BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, AMERICA IS BASICALLY A PETRI DISH ON THE

  • FLOOR OF A BUS STATION MEN'S ROOM.

  • BUT THIS BAN IS NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING TO STOP THE SPREAD OF

  • THE VIRUS OR PUT AMERICANS BACK TO WORK.

  • IT'S JUST TRUMP USING THE VIRUS AS AN EXCUSE TO DO WHAT HE'S

  • ALWAYS WANTED TO DO ANYWAY.

  • IT'S LIKE IF YOUR HOUSE CATCHES FIRE AND YOU SAY, "HONEY, IT'S

  • NOT SAFE IN HERE.

  • I'M GOING TO GO BUY A SET OF GOLF CLUBS!"

  • EXACTLY HOW XENOPHOBIC IS HE BEING HERE?

  • WELL, EVEN DURING THE HEIGHT OF THE 1918 FLU PANDEMIC, THE

  • UNITED STATES ALLOWED MORE THAN 110,000 IMMIGRANTS TO ENTER THE

  • COUNTRY.

  • SO, DONALD TRUMP IS MORE XENOPHOBIC THAN WOODROW WILSON.

  • AND WILSON'S CAMPAIGN SLOGAN WAS "LET'S PUNCH AN ITALIAN."

  • I KNOW WE'VE GOTTEN USED TO IT, THIS SHOULDN'T SHOCK ME.

  • BUT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES JUST ORDERED A SWEEPING

  • CHANGE IN OUR IMMIGRATION POLICY VIA TWEET.

  • THAT WOULD BE LIKE OBAMA ANNOUNCING THE DEATH OF

  • BIN LADEN ON TIKTOK VIDEO: >> TONIGHT I CAN REPORT THE

  • UNITED STATES HAS CONDUCTED AN OPERATION.

  • ( SONG "BYE BYE BYE" ) THAT KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN.

  • >> Stephen: ALSO, THE TWEET HAD ABSOLUTELY NO DETAIL ON HOW THIS

  • IMMIGRATION BAN WOULD WORK, WHICH CAUGHT SOME SENIOR

  • DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY OFFICIALS OFF GUARD.

  • WELL, THAT'S REALLY NOT COMFORTING.

  • YOU DON'T EVER WANT HOMELAND SECURITY TO SAY, "WE WERE CAUGHT

  • OFF GUARD."

  • THAT'S LIKE YOUR DOCTOR HOLDING UP YOUR CHEST X-RAY AND GOING,

  • "OOO, I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.

  • TWO LUNGS."

  • CLEARLY, TRUMP'S TWEET IS LESS ABOUT INFORMATION AND MORE ABOUT

  • PROMOTING TODAY'S PRESS BRIEFING REALITY-SHOW STYLE.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "HERE'S A TEASER OF MY NEW

  • EXECUTIVE ORDER.

  • AM I REALLY GOING TO BAN ALL IMMIGRANTS?

  • WILL I THROW WINE IN STEVE MNUCHIN'S FACE AND CALL HIM A

  • BITCH?

  • GOTTA TUNE IN TO FIND OUT."

  • AND TO BACK IT UP, TODAY, TRUMP TWEETED, "I'VE HAD GREAT

  • 'RATINGS' MY WHOLE LIFE.

  • THERE'S NOTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THAT FOR ME.

  • THE WHITE HOUSE NEWS CONFERENCE RATINGS ARE 'THROUGH THE

  • ROOF'--MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL, WHAT KIND OF BRAGGING IS THAT?

  • EVERYONE'S RATINGS ARE BETTER THAN "MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL"

  • RIGHT NOW.

  • ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL

  • >> Stephen: NO.

  • NO ONE IS READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL.

  • LAST NIGHT, TRUMP HELD HIS DAILY "SCREAM AT THE PRESS"

  • CONFERENCE, AND HE STARTED OFF WITH AN OBVIOUS LIE.

  • >> I CANNOT TELL A LIE.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY.

  • NOW THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN ALL OVER THE MAP ON HOW SERIOUSLY TO

  • TAKE THE VIRUS, WHICH HAS LED TO SOME SEVERE HEALTH CONSEQUENCES

  • FOR HIS SUPPORTERS.

  • >> I INTERVIEWED SOMEONE WHO SAID THAT HIS FAMILY GOT SICK,

  • THEY SAID MAINLY BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT WASN'T TAKING IT

  • SERIOUSLY.

  • HE SAID, "IF THE PRESIDENT HAD A MASK ON, IF HE WAS SAYING WE

  • SHOULD STAY HOME, THEN I WOULD HAVE STAYED HOME."

  • DO YOU FEEL, OR ARE YOU CONCERNED THAT DOWNPLAYING THE

  • VIRUS MAYBE GOT SOME PEOPLE SICK?

  • >> AND A LOT OF PEOPLE LOVE TRUMP, RIGHT?

  • A LOT OF PEOPLE LOVE ME.

  • YOU SEE THEM ALL THE TIME, RIGHT?

  • I GUESS I AM HERE FOR A REASON, YOU KNOW?

  • TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE, I WON, AND I THINK WE ARE GOING TO

  • WIN AGAIN.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "A LOT OF PEOPLE LOVE ME.

  • AND SOMETIMES I GIVE THEM BAD ADVICE, BUT THAT'S WHY THEY

  • LOVE ME.

  • I'M A BAD BOY, THE KIND YOU DON'T BRING HOME TO YOUR MOM,

  • BECAUSE I WILL DEFINITELY GIVE YOUR MOM CORONAVIRUS."

  • THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN CRITICIZED FOR TWIDDLING HIS

  • THUMBS DURING THE EARLY STAGES OF THE PANDEMIC.

  • BUT HE DOESN'T REMEMBER IT THAT WAY.

  • >> PEOPLE SHOULD SAY I ACTED VERY EARLY.

  • I DID TAKE IT VERY SERIOUSLY.

  • >> YOU HELD RALLIES IN FEBRUARY AND IN MARCH.

  • AND THERE ARE SOME-- >> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT RALLIES.

  • I REALLY DON'T KNOW ABOUT RALLIES.

  • >> YOU HELD A RALLY IN MARCH.

  • IN NEW YORK. >> I DON'T KNOW.

  • DID I HOLD A RALLY? >> Stephen: WHAT?

  • HE DOESN'T REMEMBER HIS RALLIES?

  • CAN HE TEACH ME HOW?

  • THEN, TRUMP TRIED TO GIVE A SHOUT-OUT TO FEMA AND THE WORK

  • THEY'VE DONE TO FIGHT CORONAVIRUS, BUT HIS BRAIN DONE

  • GOT IN THE WAY.

  • >> ADMIRAL POLOWCZYK AND HIS TEAM AT FIFA ARE REALLY, WHAT A

  • JOB THEY'VE DONE.

  • >> Stephen: YES, FIFA, THE INTERNATIONAL SOCCER FEDERATION,

  • HAS DONE A GREAT JOB AGAINST THE CORONAVIRUS.

  • IMAGINE WHAT THEY COULD ACCOMPLISH IF THEY WERE ALLOWED

  • TO USE THEIR HANDS.

  • SOME PEOPLE SAY WE NEED TO FLATTEN THE CURVE.

  • I SAY WE NEED TO BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM.

  • ONE REPORTER ASKED TRUMP ABOUT LARGE CORPORATIONS CASHING IN ON

  • FEDERAL GRANTS PROMISED TO SMALL BUSINESS.

  • >> Reporter: DO YOU THINK IT'S RIGHT THAT MAJOR COPORATIONS,

  • MAJOR INSTITUTIONS LIKE THE RUTH'S CHRIS RESTAURANT CHAIN,

  • LIKE HARVARD UNIVERSITY, APPARENTLY GOT A LOT OF MONEY

  • UNDER THE CARES ACT, MONEY THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE EARMARKED FOR

  • SMALL-BUSINESS OWNERS.

  • DO YOU THINK THAT'S FAIR?

  • >> WELL, I KNOW ONE THING.

  • I DIDN'T GET ANY.

  • THAT'S FOR SURE.

  • I DIDN'T GET ANY.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT REALLY SOUNDS LIKE HE GOT SOME.

  • HE'S LIKE A WITNESS TALKING TO A DETECTIVE: "WHAT DID I SEE THE

  • NIGHT OF THE MURDER?

  • WELL, I KNOW ONE THING: I NEVER SAW ME MURDERING ANYBODY.

  • NOPE, DEFINITELY NOT 23 PEOPLE BETWEEN NOW AND 1987.

  • LET'S JUST SAY, DIGGING UP MY BACKYARD WOULD BE A COMPLETE

  • WASTE OF YOUR TIME."

  • THANK YOU, OFFICER."

  • NOW, THERE'S STILL A NATIONWIDE CORONAVIRUS TEST KIT SHORTAGE,

  • BUT TRUMP DOESN'T REALLY SEE IT THAT WAY.

  • >> NOT EVERYBODY AGREES THAT WE HAVE TO DO THAT MUCH TESTING.

  • WE'RE GOING MAXIMUM.

  • YOU UNDERSTAND THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE THAT DON'T WANT TO DO

  • THAT MUCH TESTING.

  • BUT WE'RE GOING MAXIMUM.

  • WE'RE GOING TO THE OUTER LIMITS.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, SOUNDS KIND OF VAGUE, BUT THOSE ARE ACTUALLY

  • TECHNICAL TERMS.

  • AS YOU CAN SEE IN THE C.D.C.'S CHART, IT GOES MINIMUM, MAXIMUM,

  • OUTER LIMITS, BIG GULP, AND BUTT LOAD.

  • NOW, WHILE TRUMP IS CLOSING THE COUNTRY'S BORDERS, THE GOVERNORS

  • OF GEORGIA, TENNESSEE, AND SOUTH CAROLINA SAY THAT BUSINESSES CAN

  • REOPEN SOON.

  • FOR COMMENT, WE GO NOW TO THE SCIENTISTS WHO TOLD THEM THAT

  • WAS A GOOD IDEA.

  • THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.

  • STARTING ON MONDAY, IN MY HOME STATE OF SOUTH CAROLINA-- HI,

  • GUYS-- THEY'RE OPENING DEPARTMENT STORES, SPORTING

  • GOODS STORES AND FLEA MARKETS.

  • FLEA MARKETS!

  • BECAUSE THERE'S NO MORE COMFORTING PLACE TO SHOP DURING

  • A PANDEMIC THAN A PLACE NAMED FOR THE INSECT THAT CARRIED THE

  • BLACK PLAGUE.

  • THAT'S WHY THEY'RE ALSO OPENING UP ALL LOCATIONS OF BED, BATH,

  • & LEPROSY.

  • IT REALLY FEELS LIKE OFFICIALS AREN'T TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY

  • ENOUGH.

  • IT EXPLAINS WHY SOUTH CAROLINA HAS CHANGED THEIR MOTTO FROM

  • "WHILE I BREATHE, I HOPE" TO "WELL, I HOPE I'M BREATHING."

  • BUT THE MOST SWEEPING REOPENINGS WILL GO INTO EFFECT IN GEORGIA,

  • COURTESY OF GEORGIA GOVERNOR AND MAN WATCHING HIS WIFE GO THROUGH

  • HIS GOOGLE SEARCH HISTORY, BRIAN KEMP.

  • GOVERNOR KEMP ANNOUNCED THAT, AFTER JUST THREE WEEKS OF SAFETY

  • MEASURES, CERTAIN BUSINESS WILL BE ALLOWED TO RE-OPEN STARTING

  • FRIDAY, FRIDAY, INCLUDING FITNESS

  • CENTERS, HAIR SALONS, AND BOWLING ALLEYS.

  • REALLY?

  • BOWLING ALLEYS.

  • I'M GONNA GO OUT ON A LIMB HERE AND SAY NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR

  • A SPORT WHERE STRANGERS STICKS THEIR FINGERS INSIDE THE SAME

  • THREE HOLES.

  • AND WE KNOW THE OUTSIDE OF THE BALLS AREN'T SANITARY, EITHER.

  • ONE BOWLING EXPERT WAS PARTICULARLY SKEPTICAL OF

  • GOVERNORS DEFYING THE C.D.C.

  • GUIDELINES: >> HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE

  • CRAZY!?

  • AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO GIVES A (BLEEP) ABOUT THE RULES?!

  • >> Stephen: GOVERNOR KEMP ALSO ANNOUNCED THE REOPENING OF THE

  • VERY ESSENTIAL BUSINESS OF TATTOO PARLORS, WHICH IS GREAT

  • NEWS FOR ANYONE IN GEORGIA WHO HASN'T FINISHED THEIR TRAMP

  • STAMP.

  • WE'VE GOT 'A' SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • I'LL BE TALKING TO MR. MICHAEL MOORE.

  • BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"

  • WON'T YOU JOIN US?

  • ♪ ♪ ♪

>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

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