birthday in two days time

and also that means the fifth year anniversary of our engagement

You are such a romantic. I know, what more romantic than Rome.

Ah... Romance.. Is that where is from? The word romance?

Anyway [laughs]

I feel like they're gonna be comments now going now my city is

actually the city of romance. They all stem from latin.

Doesn't everything?

Ok [laughs] Ok so there will

actually be video all about our wonderful travels in Rome but here is a

little video an interim video if you will about fear

Yeah that took a turn

Didn't it? Because interestingly as a couple

We're married if you're only just tuning in

Claudia is definitely I would say more of the fearful one, yeah don't

don't even remind that she can't watch horror movies

we can't even watch things that have minor peril. Yeah but like weirdly I put

that down to the fact I've got an active imagination. True. But so do you.

You can somehow compartmentalize fiction from reality whereas I'm like oh my gosh that

like alien creature is gonna be in my bathroom.

That's definitely gonna happen

isn't it Jesse? Jesse come with me, come with me!

having like... staying

in a new city in a new country and a new apartment

um we've rented an apartment we're not in a hotel. Yeah there's like I got a bit

freaked out on the first night when it started getting dark be fair we were

watching a Netflix program which was about some serial stalker. "You"

Not me, but I mean..

the programme is called 'You'. Sorry?

Oh sorry joke...

Yeah, they're all so there's a lot of artwork on the walls

which as Claudia pointed out have eyes. Every like I was like everyone in

here is looking at me and also there's like dismembered like lots of like those

heads and torsos and legs. It's modern art. Well there's a mixture of modern

and old it's actually very nice for an apartment. It's wonderful

you'll see more on the Rome video, but the point is slightly terrifying I've just

realized that there is a fish with a gaping mouth

Ah!

There's so many of these things!

It's just so many things to find you

You just have to have tunnel vision in this place.

especially at nighttime. As we were saying normally Claudia is the one I

would regard as the scared one but since the start of and I'm generally

quite chill, but since the start..

Unless I jump on on you. and then you will not stop screaming. Oh yeah.

I have a really strong startle reflex I can't control that at all if you

surprise me I scream like you are literally murdering me and I can't stop

screaming for at least five minutes. Whereas I don't really jump even if I

like stubbed my toe I don't like go and scream

It doesn't happen when I stub my toe.

Ok anyway. It's when someone else doing it.

Talking about fear again. Anyway, the point is generally aside from the jumpy thing

I'm fine and then 2020 hit the new decade and Wow am I just afraid of

everything, like I have a low-level fear constantly now. Oh. I know sad it is

Why? I don't know but I'd like it to stop

I mean I've never felt like this before

I feel really blue. I think it's January generally I take me quite like

I generally quite like January, it's my birthday month.

I've always felt like that in January. Like a low

level idea of like fear because it's like you've got like anticipation for

the year ahead like you know whether it be exams that year or you know for

basically like seven years of my life I had exams every May, every May or June so

every time January came round I was like 'oh my god'

Why do we put our children through that?

That's a really terrible idea when you think about it.

Their brains are just trying to grow they're just trying to

find out who they are and we're like no we're gonna put you through some stress.

Enjoy!

And then even if there isn't exams there's you know what you want to

achieve in that yeah you have what New Year's resolutions you're like putting

pressure on yourself. I think that's it I think that's my that's my issue I have

to make quite a big like work decision that I can't tell you about but the

point is in making it I know that I'm saying yes to some things but no to

other things and that I'm stopping some things and leaping in the

hope that these other things come to fruition

Opaque. Yeah.

[laugh]

so and that's it's scary. Am I making the right decision? Who knows! how can I know?

We're both the type of people who wish we had spoilers on life that would be

great. I would love to know the day that I die

Would you? yes that'll be amazing

I could live every day to the full. Also I'd be less scared

crossing the road because I know I wasn't gonna die that day. Unless you

knew that day you were gonna die you didn't have the like... know the how?

The facts of how or when exactly. That's fine it's just one day I'm gonna be scared

But would you then

not leave your house? Well I've seen "Final destination" okay it's not a where

Doesn't matter were you go, death will find you.

I don't like horror films! I know, it's alright, I'm sorry I mentioned it.

But yeah I just..I think it's a fear of failure.

Yeah, basically that's everyone's fear. Isn't it?

I guess so? Yeah

Yeah..

It's never really smacked me in the face like this before. I think it's just because the

first year of a new decade and it's supposed to be amazing and I have all

these amazing plans as you saw in my 2020 goals and wishes video there are

things big things that I really want to achieve and do this year

workwise, life wise. Well I mean what would your own advice be to yourself if

someone else was telling you this what would you say?

chill out

exactly take the pressure off yourself.

Yeah, it doesn't matter if you fail it's gonna be ok.

like I have such a bad fear of failure

I don't even let Claudia read my writing. I just really would love to publish

books but then I won't even let my wife read them. But then maybe you

need to analyze what is your definition of failure when it comes to different

aspects of your life because you know some people might consider like if I

went into town today dressed like this and no one complimented me on what I was

wearing how about that is that like a failure of choice of fashion that day?

You know there's lots of levels of failure. Well you should dress for yourself!

I mean like you aren't worried about that. Yeah it's funny I don't care people

stare at me everywhere I go all the time. it's just a thing

but then your fear of

failure of not being able to like publish this

book that you want to do it's never getting done because of the fear of it

Yes. Yeah I have a fear of starting it I have a fear of not starting it

It's just a fear.

So I mean I'm like if you don't even gonna let anyone read you anywhere

any and it's just type stuff you type up on your Mac and just do it. Yeah there's

a fear that I'm wasting my time because if no one reads it then it's wasted time

Oh my gosh.

oh I'm really irritating I'm quite aware I have had to live with this I think you

have to come up with like... An action plan?

Yes so you'd be like I'm going to dedicate one hour every Saturday

afternoon or you'd have to be as strict as that or like one hour every week but

then you might not do it say one hour every Sunday morning like at 10

a.m. I will write on my Mac or I will write whatever wherever.

Well I said it my goals and wishes that I was only gonna work six days a

week not seven and that one day week I was

gonna dedicate to writing so I think I might do it on a day that you're working

because I love you but I love you too much I love you so much I just want to

spend all my time with you. Yeah and quite needy... [laugh]

So you'd be writing and I'd be like 'what are you doing?'

If you don't give Claudia the attention she needs...

Can we go out now? What are you doing? Do you want to like...?

Attention!

Attentioon!

And then I'm like Ok honey, ok, we'll do the thing you want to do now, yeah.

So if I do it on a day were you are working

And I got Clara with me, Clara is really good like...

She makes me do stuff.

She's very good motivational speaker?

No [laugh]

She removes everything else from around me she's like I'm not gonna talk to you

You should be writing. Oh...

And then I'm like hey Clara did you...

Clara?

Clara?

Clara?

Cause she just ignores me.

Yeah see this is why we don't get things done when we review each other.

cuz we're like:

yeah we're obsessed with each other but it's amazing five and a

half years and still my number one obssesion. This takes us back around to why we are in Rome

why we're happy and in love and see no reason to be fearful!

Ohh.

This time next year

it'll be your birthday again and you're probably being like wow I achieved

so much this year! No, you probably won't you'll be like 'oh my god I have so much

more to achieve' I'll be like Oh God can you just like

[laugh]

To be fair yeah I mean I guess I have I have achieved in the last year.

Yeah you've done so well!

I know I made a photo book the other day and I didn't realize how much

I had done in 2019 until I made this bloody photo book and was like I need

more pages. That's what's nice about like consolidating your year in photos or

going through a diary that you've kept that's cuz it's like actually

I did a lot this year.

Yeah make a photo book every year highly recommend it's also

much easier than the thing I used to do we print out the individual photos and

then stick them in. Yeah but that's nice therapeutic. Yeah but then you go through

the trauma if you spent five hours sticking all of them in and then you

pick it up and they all fall out. Yeah that's true. That happened to me one year

That was great... Anyway we should round this up sure this is a video about

how it's okay to be scared and afraid and the people that you follow on the

internet that you think are doing really well are also scared and afraid and

think they're failures because that's the human condition!

But also, you shouldn't it's gonna be alright don't worry about it

We'll come back in a years time and everything will be okay. We'll just

have new goals though so there are always new things to achieve but we

should actually appreciate the things we finished and achieved. I used to like I

think that I held like a coping mechanism for when I was like really

like you know nervous and anxious or like fearful that you say about an

upcoming event or exam or situation I was gonna be in I would just think

basically like if you do something weekly like I for instance at the time

of my GCSE exams did a Pilates class every Wednesday evening.

That's fun. Yeah.

So I had some exams coming up on like the like Monday, Tuesday I think it was

and they were like the last I don't know I can't remember the exact but I just

remember that I thought to myself lying down in the Pilates class: this time next

week I will be lying down here having my Pilates class in this exact same room

and all of this stress will be gone, because that time will have passed.

You know? That's true.

Just thing like, like you say in your own phrases

This too shall pass.

Yeah.

And it will. It will!

So however bad something is or how stressed you are it will end.

Like there will be a time when that goes. Yes. And you have to allow yourself to

appreciate when there is very little stress or hardly any and enjoy that moment

because obviously life brings new stresses but just try and get yourself through each week.

See why am I giving out advice? You are normally the one filled with wisdom.

I'm not this is so weird for me I feel really weird and anxious but yeah maybe

in a week's time it will be gone and I'll feel better.

In a week from today it will be February and

February is always better than January

Will it? Yeah... [crickets sfx ]