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  • So, we all have bad seasons in life.

    譯者: Yanyan Hong 審譯者: Helen Chang

  • And I had one in 2013.

    人生中總會有些不好的時期。

  • My marriage had just ended,

    我在 2013 年就有一段。

  • and I was humiliated by that failed commitment.

    我的婚姻破裂了,

  • My kids had left home for college or were leaving.

    沒能履行承諾,讓我感到羞恥。

  • I grew up mostly in the conservative movement,

    我的孩子不是離家去讀大學 就是快要離家了。

  • but conservatism had changed,

    我主要是在保守運動中成長,

  • so I lost a lot of those friends, too.

    但保守主義已經改變了,

  • And so what I did is, I lived alone in an apartment,

    所以我也失去了很多那邊的朋友。

  • and I just worked.

    所以,我獨居在公寓中,

  • If you opened the kitchen drawers where there should have been utensils,

    埋頭工作。

  • there were Post-it notes.

    如果打開該是放餐具的廚房抽屜,

  • If you opened the other drawers where there should have been plates,

    看到的是便利貼;

  • I had envelopes.

    如果打開其他應該放盤子的抽屜,

  • I had work friends, weekday friends, but I didn't have weekend friends.

    看到的是我放的信封。

  • And so my weekends were these long, howling silences.

    我有工作上的朋友,平日的朋友, 但我沒有週末的朋友。

  • And I was lonely.

    所以,我的週末都是 漫長的荒涼沉默。

  • And loneliness, unexpectedly, came to me in the form of --

    我很寂寞。

  • it felt like fear, a burning in my stomach.

    寂寞出忽意料地找上門,

  • And it felt a little like drunkenness,

    以一種——

  • just making bad decisions, just fluidity, lack of solidity.

    感覺像是恐懼,胃部有灼燒感;

  • And the painful part of that moment was the awareness

    感覺也有點像喝醉,

  • that the emptiness in my apartment was just reflective of the emptiness

    就像做了很爛的決定,

  • in myself,

    只是在流動著, 沒有穩定性。

  • and that I had fallen for some of the lies that our culture tells us.

    那時痛苦的是

  • The first lie is that career success is fulfilling.

    意識到我空空蕩蕩的公寓

  • I've had a fair bit of career success,

    其實反映了我內在的空虛,

  • and I've found that it helps me avoid the shame I would feel

    和我迷上了一些 我們文化所教的謊言。

  • if I felt myself a failure,

    第一個謊言是職涯成功令人滿足。

  • but it hasn't given me any positive good.

    我的職涯算得上是小有成就,

  • The second lie is I can make myself happy,

    我發現成功協助我避免

  • that if I just win one more victory,

    覺得自己是魯蛇的羞恥感,

  • lose 15 pounds, do a little more yoga,

    但它並沒有給我任何正面的好處。

  • I'll get happy.

    第二個謊言是我能讓自己快樂,

  • And that's the lie of self-sufficiency.

    只要我能再贏得一次勝利,

  • But as anybody on their deathbed will tell you,

    再減十五磅,做多一點瑜伽,

  • the things that make people happy is the deep relationships of life,

    我就會快樂。

  • the losing of self-sufficiency.

    那是個我們可自給自足的謊言。

  • The third lie is the lie of the meritocracy.

    但,任何臨終的人都會告訴你,

  • The message of the meritocracy is you are what you accomplish.

    能讓人快樂的, 是人生中的深厚情感關係,

  • The myth of the meritocracy is you can earn dignity

    不是自給自足。

  • by attaching yourself to prestigious brands.

    第三個謊言是精英領導。

  • The emotion of the meritocracy is conditional love,

    精英領導的訊息是你的成就代表你。

  • you can "earn" your way to love.

    精英主義的迷思是

  • The anthropology of the meritocracy is you're not a soul to be purified,

    將自己和有聲望的品牌 綁在一起,就能掙得尊嚴。

  • you're a set of skills to be maximized.

    精英領導的情緒是有條件的愛,

  • And the evil of the meritocracy

    你可以「掙得」愛。

  • is that people who've achieved a little more than others

    精英領導的人類學就是

  • are actually worth a little more than others.

    你並不是要被救贖的靈魂,

  • And so the wages of sin are sin.

    你是要被最大化的一組技能。

  • And my sins were the sins of omission--

    而精英領導的邪惡

  • not reaching out, failing to show up for my friends,

    則是成就比別人高一點點的人

  • evasion, avoiding conflict.

    價值也比其他人多一點點。

  • And the weird thing was that as I was falling into the valley --

    所以罪過的報償就是罪過。

  • it was a valley of disconnection --

    我的罪過是疏忽的罪過——

  • a lot of other people were doing that, too.

    沒有向外伸出援手, 沒有為了朋友而露面,

  • And that's sort of the secret to my career;

    遁辭,避免衝突。

  • a lot of the things that happen to me

    奇怪的是,當我落入深谷中時——

  • are always happening to a lot of other people.

    那是失去連結的深谷——

  • I'm a very average person with above average communication skills.

    其他很多人也一樣。

  • (Laughter)

    那是我職涯的秘密;

  • And so I was detached.

    發生在我身上的許多事

  • And at the same time, a lot of other people were detached

    也都會發生在很多人身上。

  • and isolated and fragmented from each other.

    我是一個非常普通的人, 有著較優秀的溝通技能。

  • Thirty-five percent of Americans over 45 are chronically lonely.

    (笑聲)

  • Only eight percent of Americans report having meaningful conversation

    所以我疏離了。

  • with their neighbors.

    同時其他許多人也疏離了,

  • Only 32 percent of Americans say they trust their neighbors,

    彼此斷開,孤立起來。

  • and only 18 percent of millennials.

    四十五歲以上的美國人, 有 35% 長期感到寂寞。

  • The fastest-growing political party is unaffiliated.

    只有 8% 的美國人回報說他們

  • The fastest-growing religious movement is unaffiliated.

    和鄰居進行有意義的交談。

  • Depression rates are rising, mental health problems are rising.

    只有 32% 的美國人說, 他們信任他們的鄰居,

  • The suicide rate has risen 30 percent since 1999.

    千禧世代則只有 18%。

  • For teen suicides over the last several years,

    成長最快速的政黨是無黨派。

  • the suicide rate has risen by 70 percent.

    成長最快速的宗教運動是無宗教。

  • Forty-five thousand Americans kill themselves every year;

    憂鬱症的比率在升高, 心理健康問題越來越多。

  • 72,000 die from opioid addictions;

    從 1999 年起, 自殺率就提升了 30%。

  • life expectancy is falling, not rising.

    至於過去幾年的青少年自殺狀況,

  • So what I mean to tell you, I flew out here to say

    自殺率提升了 70%。

  • that we have an economic crisis, we have environmental crisis,

    每年有四萬五千名美國人自殺;

  • we have a political crisis.

    七萬兩千人死於類鴉片藥物成癮;

  • We also have a social and relational crisis;

    平均壽命在下降,不是上升。

  • we're in the valley.

    所以,我想要告訴各位, 我飛到這裡來是要說,

  • We're fragmented from each other,

    我們有經濟危機,有環境危機,

  • we've got cascades of lies coming out of Washington ...

    有政治危機。

  • We're in the valley.

    我們也有社交和關係危機;

  • And so I've spent the last five years --

    我們在深谷中。

  • how do you get out of a valley?

    我們和彼此斷開了,

  • The Greeks used to say, "You suffer your way to wisdom."

    我們有一連串的謊言 從華盛頓湧出來……

  • And from that dark period where I started, I've had a few realizations.

    我們在深谷中。

  • The first is, freedom sucks.

    我花了過去五年的時間——

  • Economic freedom is OK, political freedom is great,

    要如何離開深谷?

  • social freedom sucks.

    以前,希臘人說: 「通往智慧的路上全是苦難。」

  • The unrooted man is the adrift man.

    我從那段黑暗時期有了些頓悟。

  • The unrooted man is the unremembered man, because he's uncommitted to things.

    第一,自由糟透了。

  • Freedom is not an ocean you want to swim in,

    經濟自由還可以,政治自由很棒,

  • it's a river you want to get across,

    社會自由糟透了。

  • so you can commit and plant yourself on the other side.

    沒有根的人就是漂流的人。

  • The second thing I learned

    沒有根的人是不被記得的人, 因為他無法做出承諾。

  • is that when you have one of those bad moments in life,

    自由並不是個你想要游進去的海洋,

  • you can either be broken,

    它是條你要渡過的河流,

  • or you can be broken open.

    這樣你才能在對岸做出承諾、紮根。

  • And we all know people who are broken.

    我學到的第二件事,

  • They've endured some pain or grief, they get smaller,

    就是當你的人生不順時,

  • they get angrier, resentful, they lash out.

    你可以被擊碎,

  • As the saying is,

    也可以被擊醒。

  • "Pain that is not transformed gets transmitted."

    我們都認識被擊碎的人。

  • But other people are broken open.

    忍受某些痛苦或哀傷 使他們變得渺小,

  • Suffering's great power is that it's an interruption of life.

    變得更憤怒、怨恨, 他們會猛烈斥責。

  • It reminds you you're not the person you thought you were.

    有句話說:

  • The theologian Paul Tillich said

    「痛苦不是被轉化, 而是被傳送出去。」

  • what suffering does is it carves through what you thought was the floor

    但也有其他人被擊醒了。

  • of the basement of your soul,

    苦難的強大力量在於它中斷人生,

  • and it carves through that, revealing a cavity below,

    提醒你不是自以為的那個人。

  • and it carves through that, revealing a cavity below.

    神學家保羅田立克說過:

  • You realize there are depths of yourself you never anticipated,

    苦難的功能在於會切開那個

  • and only spiritual and relational food will fill those depths.

    你以為是你靈魂地下室的地板,

  • And when you get down there, you get out of the head of the ego

    切開它,露出下面的空間,

  • and you get into the heart,

    苦難會切開它,露出下面的空間。

  • the desiring heart.

    你會發現自己的深度其實超出預期,

  • The idea that what we really yearn for is longing and love for another,

    只能被靈糧和關係之糧充滿。

  • the kind of thing that Louis de Bernières described in his book,

    當你下去到那裡時, 就能脫離腦袋裡的自我,

  • "Captain Corelli's Mandolin."

    進入到心裡,

  • He had an old guy talking to his daughter

    渴望的心。

  • about his relationship with his late wife,

    我們所盼求的想法, 是對另一個人的愛和渴望,

  • and the old guy says,

    和路易斯·迪柏尼爾斯

  • "Love itself is whatever is leftover when being in love is burned away.

    在《戰地情人》書中所描述的很像。

  • And this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

    書中有個老人跟他的女兒

  • Your mother and I had it.

    談到他和已故妻子之間的關係,

  • We had roots that grew towards each other underground,

    老人說:

  • and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches,

    「熱戀期結束後,剩下的才是愛。

  • we discovered that we are one tree and not two."

    愛既是藝術,也是幸運的意外。

  • That's what the heart yearns for.

    你母親和我曾經擁有它。

  • The second thing you discover is your soul.

    我們在地下的根朝向彼此生長,

  • Now, I don't ask you to believe in God or not believe in God,

    當枝上所有的美麗花朵都掉落時,

  • but I do ask you to believe that there's a piece of you

    發現我們是一棵樹,不是兩棵。」

  • that has no shape, size, color or weight,

    那就是心之所嚮。

  • but that gives you infinite dignity and value.

    你發現的第二樣是你的靈魂。

  • Rich and successful people don't have more of this

    我不是在請你信神或不信神,

  • than less successful people.

    我是要請你相信,有一部分的你

  • Slavery is wrong because it's an obliteration of another soul.

    沒有形體、尺寸、顏色、重量,

  • Rape is not just an attack on a bunch of physical molecules,

    但那部分卻能給你 無限的尊嚴和價值。

  • it's an attempt to insult another person's soul.

    富裕且成功的人並不會

  • And what the soul does is it yearns for righteousness.

    比沒那麼成功的人擁有更多靈魂。

  • The heart yearns for fusion with another, the soul yearns for righteousness.

    奴役制度錯在抹滅另一個靈魂。

  • And that led to my third realization, which I borrowed from Einstein:

    強暴不只是攻擊一堆實體的分子,

  • "The problem you have is not going to be solved

    而是試圖侮辱另一個人的靈魂。

  • at the level of consciousness on which you created it.

    靈魂盼望公正。

  • You have to expand to a different level of consciousness."

    心盼望與他人融合,靈魂盼望公正。

  • So what do you do?

    那就要談到我的第三項頓悟, 讓我借用愛因斯坦的話:

  • Well, the first thing you do is you throw yourself on your friends

    「在意識層級創造的問題

  • and you have deeper conversations that you ever had before.

    無法在意識層級被解決。

  • But the second thing you do,

    得要擴張到不同的意識層級。」

  • you have to go out alone into the wilderness.

    所以,該怎麼做呢?

  • You go out into that place where there's nobody there to perform,

    首先,你要奔向朋友,

  • and the ego has nothing to do, and it crumbles,

    進行比以前更深刻的對談。

  • and only then are you capable of being loved.

    但第二是

  • I have a friend who said that when her daughter was born,

    得要獨自一人進到荒野中。

  • she realized that she loved her more than evolution required.

    那裡沒有人,你不用做任何表演,

  • (Laughter)

    自我沒事幹,它就會消失,

  • And I've always loved that.

    那時候,你才有被愛的能力。

  • (Applause)

    一位朋友說,當她的女兒出生時,

  • Because it talks about the peace that's at the deep of ourself,

    她發現她對女兒的愛 超越了演化的需求。

  • our inexplicable care for one another.

    (笑聲)

  • And when you touch that spot, you're ready to be rescued.

    我一直很喜歡那句話。

  • The hard thing about when you're in the valley

    (掌聲)

  • is that you can't climb out;

    說的是我們內心深處的平靜,

  • somebody has to reach in and pull you out.

    一種無法解釋,對他人的在乎。

  • It happened to me.

    接觸到那個點,就可被拯救了。

  • I got, luckily, invited over to a house by a couple named Kathy and David,

    身陷深谷難在爬不出來;

  • and they were --

    必須要有人伸手拉你出來。

  • They had a kid in the DC public school, his name's Santi.

    我就遇到了。

  • Santi had a friend who needed a place to stay

    我很幸運,被一對夫妻 凱西和大衛邀請到他們家,

  • because his mom had some health issues.

    他們——

  • And then that kid had a friend and that kid had a friend.

    他們的孩子山提在讀 華盛頓特區的公立學校。

  • When I went to their house six years ago,

    山提有個朋友需要有個地方待,

  • I walk in the door, there's like 25 around the kitchen table,

    因為他的父母有些健康問題。

  • a whole bunch sleeping downstairs in the basement.

    那孩子有個朋友,朋友有個朋友, 朋友又有個朋友。

  • I reach out to introduce myself to a kid,

    六年前,我到他們家時,

  • and he says, "We don't really shake hands here.

    我走進門,大概有 二十五個人圍著餐桌坐,

  • We just hug here."

    還有一堆人睡在地下室。

  • And I'm not the huggiest guy on the face of the earth,

    我主動向一個孩子自我介紹,

  • but I've been going back to that home every Thursday night when I'm in town,

    他說:「在這裡我們不握手。

  • and just hugging all those kids.

    我們只擁抱。」

  • They demand intimacy.

    我不是地球表面上最愛擁抱的人,

  • They demand that you behave in a way where you're showing all the way up.

    但只要我在那個鎮上,每個星期四 晚上我都會再回到他們家,

  • And they teach you a new way to live,

    去擁抱那些孩子。

  • which is the cure for all the ills of our culture

    他們在尋求親密感。

  • which is a way of direct -- really putting relationship first,

    他們希望你能完全放開自我。

  • not just as a word, but as a reality.

    他們教導你一種新的生活方式,

  • And the beautiful thing is, these communities are everywhere.

    那是我們文化中所有疾病的解藥,

  • I started something at the Aspen Institute called "Weave: The Social Fabric."

    這種方式就是真正直接 把關係放在第一,

  • This is our logo here.

    不只是口頭上,是真的去做。

  • And we plop into a place and we find weavers anywhere, everywhere.

    美好的是,這種團體到處都有。

  • We find people like Asiaha Butler, who grew up in --

    我在阿斯彭研究所發起了

  • who lived in Chicago, in Englewood, in a tough neighborhood.

    「編織:社會之網 (Weave: The Social Fabric)」。

  • And she was about to move because it was so dangerous,

    這是我們的標誌。

  • and she looked across the street and she saw two little girls

    我們每到一個地方, 就會發現編織者無所不在。

  • playing in an empty lot with broken bottles,

    我們發現像艾西哈·巴特勒 這樣的人,她成長在——

  • and she turned to her husband and she said, "We're not leaving.

    她住在芝加哥,恩格爾伍德, 很不好生存的鄰里。

  • We're not going to be just another family that abandon that."

    她正打算搬走, 因為那裡太危險了,

  • And she Googled "volunteer in Englewood," and now she runs R.A.G.E.,

    她看向對街,看到兩個小女孩,

  • the big community organization there.

    在空地上玩碎掉的瓶子,

  • Some of these people have had tough valleys.

    她向丈夫說:「我們不要搬走。

  • I met a woman named Sarah in Ohio who came home from an antiquing trip

    我們不要成為另一個 丟下這些而搬走的家庭。

  • and found that her husband had killed himself and their two kids.

    她搜尋了「恩格爾伍德志工」, 現在她在經營 R.A.G.E,

  • She now runs a free pharmacy, she volunteers in the community,

    那裡的一個大型社區組織。

  • she helps women cope with violence, she teaches.

    有些人的深谷很艱苦。

  • She told me, "I grew from this experience because I was angry.

    我遇過一名女子,俄亥俄州的 莎菈,她出門買古董之後返家,

  • I was going to fight back against what he tried to do to me

    發現她的丈夫帶著兩個孩子自殺。

  • by making a difference in the world.

    現在她在經營免費的藥局, 在社區當志工,

  • See, he didn't kill me.

    她協助女性處理暴力,她也教書。

  • My response to him is,

    她告訴我:「這段經歷讓我成長, 因為我那時很憤怒。

  • 'Whatever you meant to do to me, screw you, you're not going to do it.'"

    他對我做出這種事,我的反擊方式

  • These weavers are not living an individualistic life,

    就是在世界上造成不同。

  • they're living a relationist life, they have a different set of values.

    要知道,他沒有殺了我。

  • They have moral motivations.

    我對他的回應是:

  • They have vocational certitude, they have planted themselves down.

    『不論你本來打算對我做什麼, 去你的,你做不到的。』」

  • I met a guy in Youngstown, Ohio,

    這些編織者並沒有 過著個人主義的生活,

  • who just held up a sign in the town square,

    他們過著關係主義的生活, 他們有不同的價值觀。

  • "Defend Youngstown."

    他們有道德上的動機。

  • They have radical mutuality,

    他們有職業上的確定, 他們已經讓自己紮根。

  • and they are geniuses at relationship.

    我在俄亥俄的揚斯敦見到一個人,

  • There's a woman named Mary Gordon

    他在鎮上廣場上舉著標語:

  • who runs something called Roots of Empathy.

    「守衛揚斯敦」。

  • And what they do is they take a bunch of kids, an eighth grade class,

    他們有很根本的相互關係,

  • they put a mom and an infant,

    且他們是關係方面的天才。

  • and then the students have to guess what the infant is thinking,

    有名女子叫做瑪莉·戈登,

  • to teach empathy.

    她在經營「同理心之根」。

  • There was one kid in a class who was bigger than the rest

    他們做的事情是,他們找了 一個母親和一個嬰兒,

  • because he'd been held back, been through the foster care system,

    讓他們到一個八年級的班上,

  • seen his mom get killed.

    學生得要猜測嬰兒在想什麼,

  • And he wanted to hold the baby.

    用這種方式教導同理心。

  • And the mom was nervous because he looked big and scary.

    班上有個孩子年紀特別大,

  • But she let this kid, Darren, hold the baby.

    因為他很壓抑,他進過寄養體制,

  • He held it, and he was great with it.

    他看見他的母親被殺。

  • He gave the baby back and started asking questions about parenthood.

    他想要抱抱那個嬰兒。

  • And his final question was,

    母親很緊張,

  • "If nobody has ever loved you, do you think you can be a good father?"

    因為這個孩子看起來高大嚇人。

  • And so what Roots of Empathy does

    但她讓這個孩子, 德倫,抱了她的嬰兒。

  • is they reach down and they grab people out of the valley.

    他抱著嬰兒,他做得很好。

  • And that's what weavers are doing.

    他把孩子還給母親, 開始問關於當父母的問題。