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  • With 70 coronavirus vaccines now in development,

  • the world is trying to figure out

  • how to fill the gap until they're ready.

  • And on Friday, Apple and Google announced

  • an unprecedented team-up to build tracking software

  • that could tell you when you come into contact

  • with someone who has coronavirus.

  • And this is really inspiring.

  • Two tech giants putting aside their differences

  • to spy on Americans together.

  • And I know some people aren't happy about this,

  • that their iPhones or their android phones

  • are gonna go all Tekashi 6ix9ine on them,

  • but I think that this is a great idea.

  • You phone needs to track you and tell everybody what you got.

  • In fact, they need to keep this feature going

  • long after the coronavirus has gone.

  • You can just switch the disease.

  • "Hey, girl. What's going on?

  • You mind if I holler at you for a second?"

  • "He's got herpes!"

  • "Shut up, phone!" (laughs)

  • "That's-that's just my phone.

  • "You know, it's just player hating.

  • "Nah, I ain't got... I ain't got herpes, man.

  • I ain't got... Saying..."

  • Now, another reason I hope

  • technology can help us track down the virus is that,

  • if technology doesn't do it, racism will step in instead.

  • Because according to reports, people in China--

  • and this story is crazy-- people in China

  • have started blaming the African expat community

  • for the spread of the coronavirus in their country.

  • Yeah. So now they've even started barring people

  • who look African from restaurants,

  • or evicting them from their homes.

  • This is insane that the coronavirus is doing this.

  • Right? 'Cause clearly, the coronavirus doesn't just expose

  • your underlying health conditions,

  • it also exposes your underlying racism.

  • Because, let me tell you something,

  • you can blame Africans for many things, all right?

  • You can blame us for inventing the vuvuzela.

  • You can blame us for hoarding all the diamonds.

  • Yeah, we keep all of those.

  • You can even blame us for blocking

  • South America's view of India.

  • But the one thing you cannot blame Africans for

  • is the coronavirus.

  • We're out here in these streets

  • trying to fight racism against Chinese people,

  • and now there's people in China trying to flip things

  • and use the racism against us?

  • Do you not understand, Chinese people,

  • black people and Chinese people need to work together.

  • Haven't you guys watched Rush Hour?

  • Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?

  • Oh, and speaking of bullshit, I know there's some cities

  • out there in the U.S. who are trying to make sure

  • that everyone stays as safe as possible

  • while this pandemic is raging, but, uh, some cities

  • are taking it a little too far.

  • It's a disturbing video from Philadelphia.

  • It shows authorities forcibly removing a man from a bus,

  • because he wasn't wearing a mask.

  • -Yo! -(speaks indistinctly)

  • (indistinct talking, bleeping)

  • (repeated bleeps)

  • City officials say the man was forced off

  • after refusing to leave the vehicle.

  • The man was not arrested or cited.

  • Wow. Okay, what the hell was that, Philadelphia?

  • If you want someone to wear a mask that badly,

  • why not just give him a mask?

  • 'Cause this is a weird way to treat someone

  • you think might be infected.

  • Quick! Put your hands all over him!

  • Cover his mouth! Now-now touch your mouth.

  • Now touch his mouth. Now touch your mouth.

  • Yeah. We got the coronavirus under control.

  • And finally, as the coronavirus has steadily shut down the U.S.,

  • it is having some dramatic effects

  • on the food supply chain.

  • Some farms are being forced

  • to dump out millions of gallons of milk

  • and throwing away tons of produce.

  • Because, you see, there are no schools,

  • no restaurants and no big sporting events

  • to buy these supplies.

  • And because there was no March Madness this year,

  • America is now facing a huge surplus

  • of chicken wings.

  • Yeah. And you know who must be the most angry about this?

  • All the chickens...

  • who lost their wings... for no reason.

  • They're probably just sitting there like... (clucks)

  • "You took our wings, man! We could've used those wings!"

  • What were you gonna use them for?

  • "Touché.

  • But that's not the point."

  • But this is the one time where I'm actually glad

  • that Donald Trump is president.

  • Because he may not be great at handling a global pandemic,

  • but there are a ton of chicken wings that need to be eaten,

  • and that's something he's been training for his entire life.

  • All right, that's it for the headlines.

  • Let's move on to our big story.

  • Let's talk about Easter.

  • It's the holiday where millions of people around the globe

  • commemorate Jesus dying on the cross,

  • and then they get visited by the freakish love child

  • of a rabbit and a chicken.

  • But if most of the world's population

  • isn't allowed to leave their homes,

  • well, then how do you get to church?

  • Well, thanks to technology, now the church can get to you.

  • NEWSMAN: From a sunrise service in Larchmont, New York,

  • streamed online to the front lines at Memorial Hospital

  • in Broward County, Florida,

  • Easter, the most holy day on the Christian calendar,

  • celebrated today around the world, in most cases,

  • to empty pews.

  • The congregations instead connected like never before.

  • The pope, who is usually before crowds

  • of tens of thousands in St. Peter's Square,

  • instead delivered his message over the Internet

  • to the world's 1.2 billion Catholics.

  • Yes. Churches around the world

  • were forced to hold their Easter services online.

  • And I know it seems weird,

  • but I actually think this is very religious.

  • Because you know who else never shows up in person?

  • The big guy. He's always telecommuting.

  • Except instead of Skype, he just uses a burning bush

  • or a rainbow

  • or a giant flood.

  • I mean, he could have just texted,

  • but I guess emojis don't pack the same punch.

  • And look, I know this Sunday was sad for many churchgoers,

  • but for the Catholic Church, this is a good thing, you know?

  • Keeping the priests separate from their congregation

  • might not be the worst idea.

  • Now, for many people,

  • online church just doesn't have the same feel,

  • so they found responsible ways

  • to still gather in the Lord's name.

  • NEWSWOMAN: A unique approach for many other churches--

  • drive-in services.

  • Drivers honking in praise in Bedford Hills, New York...

  • -(horns beeping, honking) -(applause, whooping)

  • I like that.

  • ...sitting safely inside their cars,

  • listening to a sermon.

  • And in Ohio, another parking lot Easter celebration.

  • WOMAN: It's just a blessing

  • that we can all get together and continue to worship,

  • even though we are in our cars.

  • You see? Now that, that's great thinking.

  • People still doing what they need to do

  • whilst being responsible.

  • And if drive-in churches become a regular thing,

  • best believe your grandmother is gonna buy herself

  • a pimped-out ride to use as her Sunday best.

  • (Noah imitates musical horn playing "Dixie")

  • Praise the Lord!

  • And why stop at drive-in churches?

  • You know what they should do?

  • They should move this into everything.

  • They should also make churches with a drive-thru.

  • Although it'll really suck

  • when the priest gets your order wrong.

  • Hey, I just ordered forgiveness, but all I got was guilt.

  • Can you help me out with that?

  • (imitates unintelligible voice over speaker)

  • Yeah, I ordered forgiveness, but I got guilt.

  • Yeah, this is your order. That's not my order.

  • -Yeah, that's your order. -Okay, thank you.

  • And this kind of thing is happening all over the world.

  • In fact, while America was celebrating Easter

  • with the drive-in church, other countries were doing flybys.

  • Well, this was an Easter unlike any we've seen around the world.

  • Many religious leaders got creative to celebrate

  • the holiest of days on the Christian calendar.

  • One priest in Brazil went above and beyond.

  • Father Omar Raposo climbed into a helicopter

  • to share a blessing on everyone below.

  • Wow. Yeah. In Brazil, a priest flew over the city

  • in a helicopter and blessed everybody from the sky.

  • That is super cool.

  • I will say, though, I feel bad for all the people on the ground

  • who aren't religious.

  • Aw, damn it! Aw, man, I was just going for a jog.

  • Now I'm blessed in the love of Jesus!

  • This is not how I planned my day!

  • And I know right now some of you haters out there are like,

  • "Oh, why didn't he just pray from the ground?

  • The prayers will still work."

  • No, I'll tell you why he did that.

  • Because that preacher knows that prayers work better

  • when you're closer to Heaven.

  • It's the same way if you want your Internet to work better,

  • then you've got to sit closer to your neighbor's Wi-Fi router.

  • Now, unfortunately, some churches in America

  • didn't want to do the whole tele-church

  • or car church or any kind of social distancing.

  • They just wanted regular church,

  • and they didn't care whether it was legal or not.

  • NEWSMAN: Easter Sunday,

  • and some defied stay-at-home orders,

  • determined to hold in-person services

  • no matter the mandate.

  • In Jackson, Mississippi, Pastor Jesse Horton

  • allowed church members to worship inside.

  • NEWSMAN 3: In Central, Louisiana, and Orlando,

  • some churches defied health officials' warnings

  • with in-person services.

  • Congratulations. The demons have left your body,

  • but only because coronavirus has moved in.

  • "I might be the spawn of Satan,

  • but I take social distancing very seriously."

  • So, it seems like most churches around the world

  • are doing the right thing and obeying social distancing

  • while still observing their religious beliefs.

  • And you know what? That's the smart move,

  • because with modern technology,

  • you can still get the full church experience

  • and keep you and your family safe.

  • But please, remember this.

  • If you're gonna try and do your confessions over Zoom,

  • you really want to make sure you're careful.

  • Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

  • This quarantine messing me up so bad,

  • I've been having fantasies about shaking people's hands.

  • Total strangers.

  • I just want to rub their hands. It's so hot.

  • Last night, I couldn't sleep.

  • I stress-ate my family's whole supply of canned tuna.

  • Not even the good tuna with the oil.

  • That dry-ass tuna in the water.

  • It's like eating flaky cotton balls.

  • Also, I told everybody on Instagram

  • that I baked my own banana bread,

  • but it's not true.

  • I stole pictures from Chrissy Teigen

  • and posted them on my account.

  • Watching so much porn, Father. So much porn!

  • All the gang bangs. All the orgies.

  • Not even to masturbate.

  • I just miss seeing people in large groups.

  • It's been so long! God forgive me!

  • (sobs)

  • Uh, Roy,

  • I-I think you called into the office Zoom by mistake.

  • Oh, shit.

  • -No, no. No, no, no. -Yeah.

  • I been... I been hacked. I been hacked.