字幕列表 影片播放 列印英文字幕 With 70 coronavirus vaccines now in development, the world is trying to figure out how to fill the gap until they're ready. And on Friday, Apple and Google announced an unprecedented team-up to build tracking software that could tell you when you come into contact with someone who has coronavirus. And this is really inspiring. Two tech giants putting aside their differences to spy on Americans together. And I know some people aren't happy about this, that their iPhones or their android phones are gonna go all Tekashi 6ix9ine on them, but I think that this is a great idea. You phone needs to track you and tell everybody what you got. In fact, they need to keep this feature going long after the coronavirus has gone. You can just switch the disease. "Hey, girl. What's going on? You mind if I holler at you for a second?" "He's got herpes!" "Shut up, phone!" (laughs) "That's-that's just my phone. "You know, it's just player hating. "Nah, I ain't got... I ain't got herpes, man. I ain't got... Saying..." Now, another reason I hope technology can help us track down the virus is that, if technology doesn't do it, racism will step in instead. Because according to reports, people in China-- and this story is crazy-- people in China have started blaming the African expat community for the spread of the coronavirus in their country. Yeah. So now they've even started barring people who look African from restaurants, or evicting them from their homes. This is insane that the coronavirus is doing this. Right? 'Cause clearly, the coronavirus doesn't just expose your underlying health conditions, it also exposes your underlying racism. Because, let me tell you something, you can blame Africans for many things, all right? You can blame us for inventing the vuvuzela. You can blame us for hoarding all the diamonds. Yeah, we keep all of those. You can even blame us for blocking South America's view of India. But the one thing you cannot blame Africans for is the coronavirus. We're out here in these streets trying to fight racism against Chinese people, and now there's people in China trying to flip things and use the racism against us? Do you not understand, Chinese people, black people and Chinese people need to work together. Haven't you guys watched Rush Hour? Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? Oh, and speaking of bullshit, I know there's some cities out there in the U.S. who are trying to make sure that everyone stays as safe as possible while this pandemic is raging, but, uh, some cities are taking it a little too far. It's a disturbing video from Philadelphia. It shows authorities forcibly removing a man from a bus, because he wasn't wearing a mask. -Yo! -(speaks indistinctly) (indistinct talking, bleeping) (repeated bleeps) City officials say the man was forced off after refusing to leave the vehicle. The man was not arrested or cited. Wow. Okay, what the hell was that, Philadelphia? If you want someone to wear a mask that badly, why not just give him a mask? 'Cause this is a weird way to treat someone you think might be infected. Quick! Put your hands all over him! Cover his mouth! Now-now touch your mouth. Now touch his mouth. Now touch your mouth. Yeah. We got the coronavirus under control. And finally, as the coronavirus has steadily shut down the U.S., it is having some dramatic effects on the food supply chain. Some farms are being forced to dump out millions of gallons of milk and throwing away tons of produce. Because, you see, there are no schools, no restaurants and no big sporting events to buy these supplies. And because there was no March Madness this year, America is now facing a huge surplus of chicken wings. Yeah. And you know who must be the most angry about this? All the chickens... who lost their wings... for no reason. They're probably just sitting there like... (clucks) "You took our wings, man! We could've used those wings!" What were you gonna use them for? "Touché. But that's not the point." But this is the one time where I'm actually glad that Donald Trump is president. Because he may not be great at handling a global pandemic, but there are a ton of chicken wings that need to be eaten, and that's something he's been training for his entire life. All right, that's it for the headlines. Let's move on to our big story. Let's talk about Easter. It's the holiday where millions of people around the globe commemorate Jesus dying on the cross, and then they get visited by the freakish love child of a rabbit and a chicken. But if most of the world's population isn't allowed to leave their homes, well, then how do you get to church? Well, thanks to technology, now the church can get to you. NEWSMAN: From a sunrise service in Larchmont, New York, streamed online to the front lines at Memorial Hospital in Broward County, Florida, Easter, the most holy day on the Christian calendar, celebrated today around the world, in most cases, to empty pews. The congregations instead connected like never before. The pope, who is usually before crowds of tens of thousands in St. Peter's Square, instead delivered his message over the Internet to the world's 1.2 billion Catholics. Yes. Churches around the world were forced to hold their Easter services online. And I know it seems weird, but I actually think this is very religious. Because you know who else never shows up in person? The big guy. He's always telecommuting. Except instead of Skype, he just uses a burning bush or a rainbow or a giant flood. I mean, he could have just texted, but I guess emojis don't pack the same punch. And look, I know this Sunday was sad for many churchgoers, but for the Catholic Church, this is a good thing, you know? Keeping the priests separate from their congregation might not be the worst idea. Now, for many people, online church just doesn't have the same feel, so they found responsible ways to still gather in the Lord's name. NEWSWOMAN: A unique approach for many other churches-- drive-in services. Drivers honking in praise in Bedford Hills, New York... -(horns beeping, honking) -(applause, whooping) I like that. ...sitting safely inside their cars, listening to a sermon. And in Ohio, another parking lot Easter celebration. WOMAN: It's just a blessing that we can all get together and continue to worship, even though we are in our cars. You see? Now that, that's great thinking. People still doing what they need to do whilst being responsible. And if drive-in churches become a regular thing, best believe your grandmother is gonna buy herself a pimped-out ride to use as her Sunday best. (Noah imitates musical horn playing "Dixie") Praise the Lord! And why stop at drive-in churches? You know what they should do? They should move this into everything. They should also make churches with a drive-thru. Although it'll really suck when the priest gets your order wrong. Hey, I just ordered forgiveness, but all I got was guilt. Can you help me out with that? (imitates unintelligible voice over speaker) Yeah, I ordered forgiveness, but I got guilt. Yeah, this is your order. That's not my order. -Yeah, that's your order. -Okay, thank you. And this kind of thing is happening all over the world. In fact, while America was celebrating Easter with the drive-in church, other countries were doing flybys. Well, this was an Easter unlike any we've seen around the world. Many religious leaders got creative to celebrate the holiest of days on the Christian calendar. One priest in Brazil went above and beyond. Father Omar Raposo climbed into a helicopter to share a blessing on everyone below. Wow. Yeah. In Brazil, a priest flew over the city in a helicopter and blessed everybody from the sky. That is super cool. I will say, though, I feel bad for all the people on the ground who aren't religious. Aw, damn it! Aw, man, I was just going for a jog. Now I'm blessed in the love of Jesus! This is not how I planned my day! And I know right now some of you haters out there are like, "Oh, why didn't he just pray from the ground? The prayers will still work." No, I'll tell you why he did that. Because that preacher knows that prayers work better when you're closer to Heaven. It's the same way if you want your Internet to work better, then you've got to sit closer to your neighbor's Wi-Fi router. Now, unfortunately, some churches in America didn't want to do the whole tele-church or car church or any kind of social distancing. They just wanted regular church, and they didn't care whether it was legal or not. NEWSMAN: Easter Sunday, and some defied stay-at-home orders, determined to hold in-person services no matter the mandate. In Jackson, Mississippi, Pastor Jesse Horton allowed church members to worship inside. NEWSMAN 3: In Central, Louisiana, and Orlando, some churches defied health officials' warnings with in-person services. Congratulations. The demons have left your body, but only because coronavirus has moved in. "I might be the spawn of Satan, but I take social distancing very seriously." So, it seems like most churches around the world are doing the right thing and obeying social distancing while still observing their religious beliefs. And you know what? That's the smart move, because with modern technology, you can still get the full church experience and keep you and your family safe. But please, remember this. If you're gonna try and do your confessions over Zoom, you really want to make sure you're careful. Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. This quarantine messing me up so bad, I've been having fantasies about shaking people's hands. Total strangers. I just want to rub their hands. It's so hot. Last night, I couldn't sleep. I stress-ate my family's whole supply of canned tuna. Not even the good tuna with the oil. That dry-ass tuna in the water. It's like eating flaky cotton balls. Also, I told everybody on Instagram that I baked my own banana bread, but it's not true. I stole pictures from Chrissy Teigen and posted them on my account. Watching so much porn, Father. So much porn! All the gang bangs. All the orgies. Not even to masturbate. I just miss seeing people in large groups. It's been so long! God forgive me! (sobs) Uh, Roy, I-I think you called into the office Zoom by mistake. Oh, shit. -No, no. No, no, no. -Yeah. I been... I been hacked. I been hacked.