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  • >> HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU WANT TO DO, STEPHEN?

  • >> Stephen: THEY-- LISTEN-- >> WHAT WORKS FOR YOU.

  • >> Stephen: ANY AMOUNT WORKS FOR ME.

  • THEY-- WE PUT IT IN FOR 12.

  • >> YUP.

  • >> Stephen: BUT I THINK THAT'S PROBABLY--

  • >> WE'LL PROBABLY GO LONG AND THEN DO SOME CHOPS OR SOMETHING.

  • >> Stephen: AND KEEP EVERY SECOND OF IT.

  • >> KEEP EVERY SECOND.

  • >> Stephen: ALL OF THIS IS IN.

  • WE'RE ROLLING ON THIS RIGHT NOW.

  • >> THIS STUFF SHOULD BE THE SHOW.

  • >> Stephen: I REALLY THINK IT SHOULD, ACTUALLY.

  • >> I LOVE ANY TIME THE MOST MUNDANE THING HAPPENS ON OUR

  • SET-- AND I MEAN REALLY MUNDANE --

  • >> Stephen: EVEN WHEN THE SHOW IS BACK IN THE STUDIO?

  • >> YEAH.

  • AND ANDY WILL SAY, "I HAD REALLY GOOD ALMONDS."

  • AND I'LL SAY, "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD EAT ALMONDS?

  • " AND SOMEBODY WILL INEVITABLY

  • SAY, THIS, SHOULD BE THE SHOW!" NO!

  • IT SHOULDN'T BE THE SHOW.

  • >> Stephen: THIS SHOULD BE THE SHOW NOW.

  • NO ONE CAN DO THEIR JOB WELL?

  • >> I BEG TO DIFFER.

  • I THINK YOU AND I ARE KILLING IT.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU, CONAN.

  • THAT WAS A TEST AND YOU PASSED.

  • >> THANK YOU.

  • >> Stephen: I'M READY TO GO WHENEVER YOU ARE.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> WELL, I'M THRILLED BECAUSE MY

  • NEXT GUEST IS ONE OF MY 11 FAVORITE LATE-NIGHT HOSTS.

  • HE'S, OF COURSE, ON CBS.

  • HE'S BELOVED.

  • STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • SO GOOD TO HAVE YOU ON MY SHOW, STEPHEN.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU, CONAN.

  • NOW, A LESSER MAN WOULD-- WOULD FIGHT WITH YOU RIGHT NOW AND

  • SAY, "NO, NO, YOU'RE ON MY SHOW."

  • BUT I HAVE BEEN A HOST LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT THE HOST

  • ACTUALLY DOES MOST OF THE WORK, SO YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD, BUDDY.

  • >> I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

  • BEAUTIFUL.

  • >> Stephen: ASK AWAY.

  • ASK AWAY.

  • ALL THE WEIGHT'S ON YOU NOW.

  • CHECK.

  • MATE.

  • YOU FELL INTO MY TRAP.

  • >> BEAUTIFUL JUDO MOVE.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • >> BEAUTIFULLY DONE.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • >> BEAUTIFULLY DONE.

  • >> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU HANDLING YOUR ISOLATION?

  • >> I MISS THE LAUGHTER.

  • I MISS THE JOY THAT I BRING OTHERS.

  • >> Stephen: WELL WHAT, ABOUT YOUR SHOW?

  • DO YOU MISS THAT?

  • >> I-- I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU'RE DEALING WITH, THIS BUT I FIND

  • THAT I REALLY DO-- I REALLY DO MIS-- I LOVE THE FAMILY TIME I'M

  • GETTING.

  • DON'T GET ME WRONG.

  • I LOVE THAT.

  • AND WE ARE SCREENING CLASSIC MOVIES AT NIGHT.

  • WE WATCH CLASSIC MOVIES, COMEDY THEY SAY LOVED GROWING UP THAT I

  • SHOW MY KIDS, AND I LOVE TO BOND WITH THEM IN THAT WAY.

  • BUT I DO HAVE TO SAY, I-- I REALLY MISS-- AND I THINK

  • EVERYBODY IS MISSING THIS RIGHT NOW-- TALKING TO OTHER PEOPLE,

  • BEING IN THE OFFICE, HAVING THAT KIND OF-- BEING ABLE TO YELL AT

  • PEOPLE IN PERSON.

  • >> Stephen: SURE.

  • >> BELITTLE THEM IN PERSON.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH.

  • >> I CAN'T DO THAT NOW.

  • I DO IT WITH SARCASTIC TEXTS AND IT'S NOT THE SAME.

  • >> Stephen: DOESN'T HAVE THE INFLECTION.

  • >> HOW ABOUT YOU?

  • HOW ARE YOU HANDLING IT?

  • >> Stephen: I MISS THE AUDIENCE BECAUSE I GET ALL OF MY

  • VALUE FROM THEIR PRAISE.

  • I HAVE NO SELF-WORTH AT ALL.

  • I ONLY EXIST, REALLY, IN REFLECTION TO THEM CHANTING MY

  • NAME.

  • IT'S BEEN ROUGH.

  • IT'S BEEN ROUGH AT TIMES.

  • >> THAT'S GREAT THAT YOUR AUDIENCE CHANTS THUR YAIM.

  • MINE STOPPED DOING THAT ABOUT FOUR YEARS AGO.

  • WHEN THEY CHANT MY NAME NOW, IT'S USUALLY AS AN ANGRY MOB SO

  • I ENVY YOU.

  • >> Stephen: I HAVE A BONE TO PICK YOU WITH?

  • >> WHAT IS THAT.

  • >> Stephen: ABOUT A YEAR AGO YOU STPPED WEARING A SUIT AND

  • TIE AND STARTED GOING CASUAL, JEANS, MAYBE A LEATHER JACKET.

  • WHAT DID YOU KNOW THAT THE REST OF US DIDN'T KNOW.

  • YOUR DAD IS AN EPIDEMIOLOGIST, RIGHT?

  • DID HE GIVE YOU THE INSIDE SCOOP?

  • >> YEAH, MY DAD HAS BEEN A MICROBIINGS ON.

  • THAT'S HIS PROFESSION AND HE TOLD ME ABOUT A YEAR AGO, "TRUFF

  • ME, THERE'S THIS THING COMING, AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE

  • BROADCASTING FROM HOME, SO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY SWITCH OUT OF

  • THE SUIT AND TIE."

  • I SAID, "DAD, SHOULDN'T WE BE SPREADING THIS INFORMATION FOR

  • MORE USEFUL PURPOSES?

  • AND HE SAID, "I LOOK AFTER MY OWN."

  • THAT'S A QUOTE.

  • AND THEN HE HUNG UP THE PHONE.

  • >> Stephen: CAN I ASK YOU WHAT'S GOING ON IN THIS ROOM?

  • TELL ME ABOUT THE ROOM YOU CHOSE.

  • WHY DID YOU CHOOSE WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW TO HOST?

  • >> OKAY, WE'LL DO MY ROOM, AND THEN WE'LL TALK ABOUT YOUR ROOM,

  • WHICH I FIND TO BE -- >> Stephen: GO AHEAD.

  • MY ROOM HAS NOTHING TO HIDE.

  • >> YEAH, YEAH-- WHAT IS THERE TO HIDE IN THIS ROOM.

  • >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.

  • >> I HAVE MY BUST OF TEDDY ROOSEVELT, MY EVER-PRESENT BUST

  • OF TEDDY ROOSEVELT.

  • OF COURSE, I'VE GOT THIS MUG, WHICH IS THE ORIGINAL, THAT

  • ROBERT SMIGLE GAVE ME YEARS AGO WHICH I HAVE HAD ON MY TEST

  • SINCE 1993.

  • THE EYESEN HOUR MUG.

  • I HAVE A GUITAR.

  • I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED.

  • I HAVE ANOTHER GUITAR RIGHT HERE.

  • THERE'S REALLY NOT MUCH TO SEE IN THIS ROOM.

  • I AM A SIMPLE MAN WITH SIMPLE NEEDS.

  • >> Stephen: ARE YOU GOING TO BE YOUR OWN MUSICAL GUEST AT ANY

  • POINT?

  • YOU'VE GOT THE INSTRUMENT.

  • >> YES, I HAVE THE INSTRUMENTS, NOT THE TALENT.

  • SO, NO, THAT WILL NOT BE HAPPENING.

  • I DON'T WANT TO INFLICT WITH AMERICA.

  • AND I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU WHILE WE'RE PICKING BONES.

  • ARE YOU USING STATE-OF-THE-ART EQUIPMENT.

  • I AM BROADCASTING ON-- ON BASKLY A PHONE.

  • I AM BROADCASTING MY SHOW ON A PHONE.

  • I TUNE IN, I CHECK OUT YOUR SHOW, YOU'RE CLEARLY-- AND I

  • KNOW MY CAMERAS-- YOU'RE ON A SONY HDC-1700 4K.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S A SONY X"DES" AND CAM, HD, YOU'RE RIGHT.

  • >> YOU KNOW WHY?

  • BECAUSE I'VE BEEN IN THIS BUSINESS A LONG TIME.

  • >> AND KNOW MY CAMERAS.

  • >> Stephen: I HAVE A SATELLITE TRUCK PARKED ON MY LAWN.

  • >> INCREDIBLE.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU.

  • >> LET ME TELL -- >> Stephen: LISTEN, BUDDY, I

  • DID IT YOUR WAY FOR THE FIRST WEEK THAT WE DID IT.

  • I LITERALLY JUST DID EVERYTHING OFF OF AN iPAD BOUNCED ON THE

  • SIDE OF A BATHTUB WITH A BOTTLE OF BUBBLE BATH TO KEEP IT FROM

  • TIPPING IN AND KILLING ME, OKAY.

  • SO DON'T TELL ME.

  • I'VE BEEN IN IT.

  • >> OKAY, LET ME TELL YOU-- LET ME TELL YOU HOW I HAVE BEEN

  • DOING IT.

  • WE RECORD MY SHOW ON A FLIP PHONE.

  • WHEN THE SHOW IS OVER, I PUT IT INTO A CARDBOARD TUBE, AND I PUT

  • IT IN THE U.S. MAIL.

  • AND IT GOES TO TURNER HEADQUARTERS IN ATLANTA.

  • THAT'S HOW WE'VE BEEN DOING IT.

  • SO DON'T PREACH TO ME WITH YOUR STORY OF OH, YOUR HARDSHIPS.

  • YOU'VE GOT A SATELLITE TRUCK ON YOUR LAWN.

  • IT'S BEEN YEARS SINCE I SAW A SATELLITE TRUCK.

  • >> Stephen: UH-HUH.

  • >> I'M BITTER AND ENRAGED.

  • YOU CAN TELL?

  • >> Stephen: UH-HUH.pI BACK OFF.

  • PLEASE BACK OFF.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) PLEASE BACK OFF.

  • THAT WAS-- THAT WAS LIKE A TOPOGRAPHICAL MAP OF MARS.

  • RED, CRAGGY.

  • >> STEPHEN, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

  • I KNOW THAT YOU'RE A MAN WHO OCCASIONALLY LIKES HIS COCKTAIL.

  • >> Stephen: I DO, YEAH.

  • >> ARE YOU-- SOME PEOPLE ARE DRINKING A LITTLE TOO MUCH

  • DURING THIS PERIOD, AND I THINK IT'S FAIR TO ASK YOU, ARE YOU

  • INDULGING A LITTLE BIT RIGHT NOW?

  • DO YOU HAVE A HIP FLASK I CAN'T SEE?

  • >> Stephen: I DON'T, BUT I DO ACTUALLY HAVE A BOTTLE OF GIN IN

  • MY DESK.

  • >> WOW.

  • >> Stephen: IS THAT A BAD SIGN.

  • >> THAT'S THE BAD-- IT'S NOT THAT YOU HAVE IT.

  • IT'S THAT YOU'RE HIDING TSTEPHEN.

  • THAT'S THE REAL PROBLEM, YOU KNOW.

  • AND I'VE GOT SOMETHING EQUALLY COOL AND SEXY, WHICH IS I HAVE

  • THIS LITTLE BOBBLEHEAD ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

  • >> Stephen: WOW.

  • >> WHICH ACTUALLY, IF YOU POP THE TOP, IT'S RUM.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE?

  • I HAVE SOME BOOKS.

  • I READ SOME OF THEM.

  • >> I HAVE-- AN ALBUM OF JAMES BROWN LIVE AT THE APOLLO.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S COOL.

  • I HAVE-- THIS IS A PICTURE-- THIS IS A PICTURE OF MY DAD.

  • THAT'S A PICTURE OF MY DAD RIGHT THERE WHEN HE WAS IN THE--

  • >> THAT'S COOL.

  • >> Stephen: HE WAS IN THE ARMY.

  • HE WAS A CAPTAIN.

  • THESE ARE HIS DOG TAGS RIGHT THERE.

  • >> THAT'S VERY COOL.

  • >> Stephen: HE WAS AN IMMUNOLOGIST AT THE-- AT THE

  • NATIONAL INSTITUTES OF HEALTH, ACTUALLY.

  • HE WAS BASICALLY ANTHONY FAUCI.

  • LEPROSY WAS HIS SPECIALTY.

  • >> WHERE DID YOUR DAD GO TO COLLEGE.

  • >> Stephen: THE SAME PLACE MY DAD WENT, HOLY CROSS.

  • >> WHICH IS WHERE MY DAD WENT.

  • I'M SERIOUS.

  • HIGH DAD IS A MICROBIOLOGIST, SPECIALIZES IN INFECTIOUS

  • DISEASES AND WENT TO HOLY CROSS COLLEGE LIKE YOUR DAD AND LIKE

  • FAUCI.

  • >> Stephen: WHEN DID YOUR DAD GRADUATE FROM HOLY CROSS?

  • >> 1875.

  • >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • CAN YOU BALLPARK IT.

  • MY DAD GRADUATED IN 1942.

  • >> MY DAD WOULD BE, I THINK, A LITTLE LATER.

  • I THINK MY DAD WOULD BE IN THE LATE 40s.

  • I WANT TO SAY 1948, MAYBE.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

  • I ACTUALLY HAVE SOME QUESTIONS.

  • I CAN TRY THIS QUESTIONS?

  • >> YES, YES.

  • YOU CAN TRY SOME QUESTIONS.

  • IT'S VERY NICE BECAUSE YOU'RE ON MY SHOW, BUT I'LL LET YOU ASK

  • YOUR QUESTIONS.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU.

  • ARE YOU EXERCISING?

  • >> I DO VERY LITTLE EXERCISE.

  • EVERYTHING IS-- MY WHOLE BODY IS TURNING INTO A SORT OF WHITE

  • PUDDING, LIKE A TAPIOCA.

  • >> Stephen: LOVELY.

  • >> YEAH, IT'S REALLY -- >> Stephen: LOVELY.

  • >> I'D TAKE OFF MY SHIRT IF YOUR-- IF YOU COULD HANDLE IT,

  • IF YOU COULD HANDLE THE LIGHT IMBALANCE.

  • >> Stephen: SURE.

  • >> BUT I DON'T THINK YOU COULD.

  • >> Stephen: WE'LL JUST PUT A POLARIZED LENS UP SO WE CAN

  • HANDLE THE SOLAR FLARE.

  • >> I'M SURE YOU HAVE ALL THAT EQUIPMENT.

  • >> Stephen: WE DO.

  • >> I'M VERY JEALOUS OF YOUR FANCY CBS EQUIPMENT.

  • >> Stephen: WE'RE SHOOTING THIS RIGHT NOW WITH THE HUBBLE

  • TELESCOPE.

  • ACTUALLY, WE'RE CAPTURING YOUR EMAGE IN INFRARED.

  • >> IF YOU COULD FORWARD THAT TO MY DERMATOLOGIST SO I COULD JUST

  • GET MYSELF CHECKED I'D BE VERY HAPPY.

  • >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE CONAN O'BRIEN.

  • HOW WAS THAT?

  • >> Stephen: MAYBE WE WON'T BE BACK WITH MORE CONAN O'BRIEN.

>> HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU WANT TO DO, STEPHEN?

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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