SO GLAD TO SEE YOU HERE AT "A LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

IT'S WEDNESDAY-- I THINK?

THAT DOESN'T HAVE THE DATE ON IT.

I THINK IT'S WEDNESDAY.

IT'S HARD TO TELL.

BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, EVERY DAY FEELS LIKE YOU'RE BEING HUMPED.

THIS IS OUR SEVENTH, I THINK-- SEVENTH SHOW?

SEVENTH SHOW WITHOUT AN AUDIENCE.

WE DID ONE IN THE THEATER BEFORE WE LEFT.

WE DID THREE THE WEEK BEFORE THE BREAK, SO THIS IS SEVEN.

HAPPY TO BE HERE.

LOVELY TO SEE YOU.

IT'S STRANGE, BUT IT'S LOVELY.

I ACTUALLY DID THE MATH, AND I'VE BEEN SELF-ISOLATING FOR 2

IDATE NOW.

DID YOU KNOW-- AND I JUST FOUND THIS OUT-- THAT THE WORD

"QUARANTINE" COMES FROM THE ITALIAN "QUARANTINA," WHICH

MEANS 40 DAYS WHICH IS HOW LONG PEOPLE WERE ISOLATED DURING THE

PLAGUE?

SO I'VE REACHED THE HALFWAY POINT IN A QUARANTINE, WHICH IS

TRADITIONALLY WHEN YOU START GOOGLING THE ETYMOLOGY OF THE

WORD "QUARANTINE."

SO THAT CHECKS OUT.

OF COURSE-- AND THIS IS WHERE MY HEAD GOES-- THE WORD

"QUARANTINE" IS REALLY NEAR THE WORD "QUARTER" IN THE

DICTIONARY, AND QUARTER GETS YOU THINKING THE OLD RHYME "TWO

BITS, FOUR BITS, SIX BITS, A DOLLAR."

THAT MAKES TWO BITS A QUARTER.

YOU KNOW THE FRIES, "HERE'S MY TWO BITS."

WHY IS A QUARTER TWO BITS?

WELL, TURNS OUT, OUR WORD "DOLLAR" COMES FROM THE SPANISH

COIN "DOLLAR," WHICH WAS THE OLD PIRATE PIECES OF EIGHT.

SO EACH PIECE IS A BIT.

THEREFORE, TWO BITS IS A QUARTER OF A DOLLAR.

ARE WE STILL BROADCASTING?

GOOD, GOOD.

AS YOU CAN SEE, I'M HAVING NO PROBLEM WITH FOCUSING HERE.

YOU'LL ALSO NOTICE TODAY I DITCHED THE SUIT AND TIE FOR A

BLAZER AND OPEN-COLLARD SHIRT, GETTING GRADUALLY MORE CASUAL AS

THE SHOW GOES ON.

BY MAY, I'LL BE WEARING NOTHING MORE THAN TWO BAND-AIDS AND A

GRIN.

SO LOOK FORWARD TO THAT.

IT IS STARTING TO SINK IN TO ME AND MY FAMILY THAT WE'RE GOING

TO BE HERE FOR A WHILE, RIGHT, PETER?

>> RIGHT.

>> THAT'S MY SON PETER WHO JUST SAID "RIGHT."

SAY HI, EVERYBODY, PETER.

>> HI, EVERYBODY, PETER.

>> Stephen: LAST NIGHT, MY DAUGHTER INSISTED THAT WE STOP

THE CHAOS AND MAKE A CHORE CHART.

SHE SAID, "WE'RE ALL ADULTS NOW, SO WE'RE LIKE ROOMMATES."

THAT'S WHY, WHEN I FILM THIS SHOW, I PUT A SOCK ON THE DOOR.

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT PEOPLE-- AD I DO LOVE PEOPLE-- IS THAT

CRISES LIKE THIS BRING OUT THE BEST IN THEM.

AND THE BEST PEOPLE, OF COURSE, ARE NOT PEOPLE.

THEY'RE ANIMALS.

TO PROVE IT, IN COLORADO, A WOMAN TRAINED HER GOLDEN

RETRIEVER SUNNY TO DELIVER GROCERIES TO A NEIGHBOR WITH

HEALTH PROBLEMS URING QUARANTINE.

LET'S SEE HIM IN ACTION.

OKAY, HERE'S SUNNY BRINGING THE GROCERY LIST THAT THE NEIGHBOR

GAVE HER TO THE OWNER.

AND HERE HE IS RUNNING THE GROCERIES BACK OVER TO HIS

NEIGHBOR.

WORKS FINE.

HE'S PART OF THE NEW DELIVERY SERVICE "DOG DASH."

SUNNY'S OWNER SAYS SHE WAS INSPIRED WHEN SHE SAW A STORY

ABOUT A DOG COMFORTING PEOPLE AT A HOSPITAL.

SHE THOUGHT, "WAIT A SECOND.

I HAVE A DOG THAT COULD HELP!" WHEN I HEARD SAID THAAD I SAID I

HAVE A DOG THAT CAN HELP, BENNY.

COME HERE, BENNY.

LET'S GO HELP THE PEOPLE.

YOU HAVE TO COME OVER HERE.

THE CAMERA IS OVER HERE.

NOT OVER THERE.

COME ON.

LOOK WHAT I HAVE FOR YOU.

I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU.

YOU NEED TO BRING THE MEMG TO THE NEIGHBOR.

I HAVE A PRESCRIPTION.

I MEADE MY NEIGHBOR TO GET MY PRESCRIPTION.

AN AN OLD WOMAN-- NO, NO-- I'M AN OLD WOMAN AND I'VE WRITTEN MY

PRESCRIPTION ON A PIECE OF HAM.

I WAS OUT OF PAPER.

IT'S HEART MEDICATION.

I NEED IT, VERY IMPORTANT.

TAKE THIS TO THE NEIGHBOR WHO WILL TAKE IT TO THE PHARMACY.

ARE YOU READY?

THERE YOU GO.

HE REALLY WANTS TO HELP PEOPLE!

YOU WANT TO HELP SOME MORE?

HERE YOU GO.

THIS IS-- THIS IS A LETTER-- THESE ARE MY TAXES.

I HAVE TO GET MY TAXES IN OR THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE AWAY MY

FARM, ALL RIGHT.

TAKE THIS-- TAKE THIS TO THE POST OFFICE.

DON'T FRGET TO PUT A STAMP ON IT.

OKAY.

HE'S SO HELPFUL.

THERE'S MORE HELPING.

YOU WANT TO HELP SOME MORE.

THIS IS MY GROCERY LIST.

THERE YOU GO.

THERE YOU GO.

AND THAT'S JUST-- THAT'S JUST-- THAT'S JUST FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU

LOVE HELPING.

OKAY, AND THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.

OKAY, COME HERE.

COME HERE.

HE'S GOT-- COME HERE.

RIGHT HERE.

LOOK AT THIS.

COME HERE YOU, THIS.

LICK THIS.

NOW HE'S GOT THE MESSAGES AND HE'LL DELIVER THEM ON TO MY

NEIGHBOR'S LAWN IN ABOUT TWO HOURS.

GIVE ME A KISS!

BOOIB, BUDDY.

HE LOVES HELPING PEOPLE.

WHAT CAN YOU SAY?

IT'S TRAINING.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE FIRM.

NOW, WHILE SOCIAL DISTANCES IS WORKING, WE KNOW THE WORST IS

YET TO COME IT'S LIKE WE SAW THE ASTEROID

COME IN AND HIT SOMEWHERE OUT IN THE EXPOSITION WE'RE WAITING FOR

THE WAVE TO COME OVER THE HORIZON.

WELL, I THINK THE TIDE IS RISING, BECAUSE YESTERDAY THE

WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCED THEY PROJECT BETWEEN 100,000 DEATH,

AND IT SEEMS PRESIDENT TRUMP UNDERSTANDS THE GRAVITY OF THE

SITUATION WE'RE IN.

HE HELD A TWO-HOUR BRIEFING YESTERDAY, AND HIS TONE WAS FAR

MORE SERIOUS.

>>IMENT MENTION TO BE PREPARED FOR THE HARD WEEKS AHEAD.

>> Stephen: THE PRESIDENT POINTED OUT AS DANGEROUS AS THIS

VIRUS IS, AT LEAST IT'S SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT.

>> IT'S AN INCREDIBLY DARK TOPIC, AN INCREDIBLY HORRIBLE

TOPIC AND IT'S INCREDIBLY INTERESTING.

THAT'S WHY EVERYBODY IS-- IT'S-- THEY'RE GOING CRAZY.

THEY CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT.

>> YES, THIS PANDEMIC WHICH IS CRIPPLING THE GLOBAL ECONOMY

IT REMINDS ME OF WINSTON CHURCHILL:

IT REMINDS ME OF WINSTON CHURCHILL:

>> Stephen: NOW, EVEN THOUGH THE PRESIDENT APPEARS TO BE

TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY, HE STILL HASN'T ISSUED ANY ORDER TO SHUT

DOWN THE WHOLE COUNTRY.

HE WANTS TO LEAVE IT UP TO THE STATES, WHO HAVE BEEN COMING UP

WITH SOME PRETTY INTERESTING EXCUSES, LIKE ALABAMA, WHOSE

GOVERNOR RECENTLY SAID THIS: >> Y'ALL, WE ARE NOT LOUISIANA.

WE ARE NOT NEW YORK STATE.

WE ARE NOT CALIFORNIA.

AND RIGHT NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO ORDER PEOPLE TO SHELTER IN

PLACE.

>> Stephen: OH, NO, NO.

NOW IS EXACTLY THE TIME TO ORDER PEOPLE TO SHELTER IN PLACE.

YOU DON'T WANT TO BECOME NEW YORK OR CALIFORNIA.

SHELTERING IN PLACE IS PREVENTATIVE.

THIS IS LIKE SAYING, "Y'ALL, WE'RE NOT PREGNANT.

NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO START USING BIRTH CONTROL.

LET'S GET IT ON, RAW DOG."

BUT MAYBE THE WORST POLICY COMES FROM FLORIDA, WHICH IS CURRENTLY

SUFFERING FROM A RAGING CASE OF BEING FLORIDA.

EVEN THOUGH THE STATE'S INFECTIONS ARE RAPIDLY GROWING,

THE GOVERNOR REFUSED TO SHUT DOWN THE STATE UNTIL TODAY,

BECAUSE LEAVING IT UP TO THE COUNTIES WASN'T WORKING.

HERE'S A RECENT PHOTO WHERE ONE FLORIDA COUNTY CLOSED ITS BEACH

BUT ITS NEIGHBOR DIDN'T.

THAT'S A TOUGH CHOICE FOR THOSE SPRING BREAKERS:

"OKAY, MY DUDES.

SHOULD WE GO DO BODY SHOTS AT SENOR FROGS OR SIT QUIETLY SIX

FEET APART AT SENOR RESPONSIBLE'S?"

ONE GOVERNOR WHO'S GETTING GREAT REVIEWS FOR HIS LEADERSHIP IN

THIS TIME OF CRISIS IS NEW YORK GOVERNOR AND ONLY GUY ALLOWED

TO MAKE FUN OF CHRIS CUOMO, ANDREW CUOMO.

GOVERNOR CUOMO HAS PROJECTED AN AIR OF MUCH-NEEDED COMPETENCE

DURING THE EPIDEMIC, AND THE PEOPLE ARE THERE FOR IT.

#PresidentCuomo HAS BEEN TRENDING ON TWITTER, AND SOME

PEOPLE ARE TAKING THIS A BIT FURTHER, LIKE THE AUTHOR OF THIS

OP-ED ENTITLED, "HELP, I THINK I'M IN LOVE WITH ANDREW CUOMO?"

IT'S OKAY.

THESE FEELINGS ARE PERFECTLY NATURAL.

MANY AMERICANS EXPERIENCE MOMENTS OF BEING AT LEAST

ANDREW-CURIOUS IF NOT FULLY CUOMO-SEXUAL.

THE OBSESSION WITH GOVERNOR CUOMO HAS RECENTLY GONE TO A

REALLY WEIRD PLACE BECAUSE-- AND I'M QUITE SURPRISED THIS IS AN

ACTUAL HEADLINE-- PEOPLE ARE ASKING, "PIERCED OR NOT?"

THE MYSTERY OVER NEW YORK GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO'S NIPPLES.

AH-HAH!

A CLASSIC NIPPLE MYSTERY!

JUST LIKE "MAN-BOOB ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS!" OR "THE

TALENTED MISTER NIPPLEY!" I PROMISE I'M NOT MAKING THIS

UP.

I KIND OF WISH I WAS.

BUT INTERNET SLEUTHS ARE EXAMINING THIS PICTURE OF CUOMO

THAT APPEARS TO SHOW AN OUTLINE OF SOMETHING THAT MAY OR MAY NOT

BE A NIPPLE BARBELL.

WOW.

IF THAT'S TRUE, THE CUOMO FAMILY ARE SUCH GYM RATS, EVEN THEIR

NIPPLES LIFT.

"DO YOUR NIPPLES EVEN LIFT, BRO?"

MY NIPPLES CAN SQUAT.

NOW, HONESTLY, WHO CARES WHAT'S REALLY UNDERNEATH THAT POLO

SHIRT?

HE'S DOING A GOOD JOB.

HELL, SOME OF OUR GREATEST LEADERS HAVE BEEN INTO BODY

MODIFICATION.

EVERY SCHOOL CHILD LEARNS ABOUT GEORGE WASHINGTON'S WOODEN

TONGUE STUD.

LUCKY MARTHA.

OH, HEY, REMEMBER THOSE FACE MASKS WE WERE TOLD NOT TO WEAR,

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WORK AND WE SHOULDN'T BOTHER?

WELL, APPARENTLY, "THE C.D.C. IS THINKING ABOUT ADVISING

AND THEIR INITIAL DIRECTIVE IS NOW "BEING CRITICALLY

RE-REVIEWED."

YES, NOT WEARING FACE MASKS IS BEING "CRITICALLY RE-REVIEWED."

CRITICALLY RE-REVIEWING IS LIKE WHEN "AVATAR" WAS THIS HUGE HIT,

THEN A FEW YEARS LATER, WE WERE ALL LIKE "WAIT, DID I ACTUALLY

ENJOY THAT?

I SAW IT THREE TIMES, BUT THE BLUE PEOPLE TALK TO THE SKY

HORSES BY PLUGGING THE HAIR TOGETHER AND THEN SIGOURNEY

WEAVER HAS A SPACE ORGY WITH A TREE?"

THAT'S ALL I CAN REMEMBER.

UNOEBTANIUM!

THAT'S IT.

BUT THEY STILL DON'T WANT CIVILIANS HOGGING MASKS THAT

HOSPITAL WORKERS NEED.

THAT'S WHY AT HIS BRIEFING YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT TRUMP

HELPFULLY OFFERED A WIDE AND VARIED ARRAY OF IDEAS FOR MASK

ALTERNATIVES.

>> YOU CAN USE A SCARF.

A SCARF IS-- EVERYBODY-- A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE SCARVES.

AND YOU CAN USE A SCARF.

A SCARF WOULD BE VERY GOOD.

I WOULD SAY DO IT.

BUT USE A SCARF.

SO YOU CAN USE SCARVES.

MOST PEOPLE HAVE SCARVES, AND SCARFS ARE VERY GOOD.

THEY CAN USE A SCARF.

YOU CAN SUBSTITUTE A SCARF FOR A MASK.

YOU CAN WEAR A SCARF.

>> Stephen: DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY THOSE PRESS BRIEFINGS ARE

TWO HOURS LONG?

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

TWO HOURS?

TWO HOURS LONG?

THE PRESS BRIEFINGS?

LONG.

HOURS.

TWO OF THEM?

TWO HOURS LONG.

I DON'T KNOW.

BUT I DO KNOW YOU CAN WEAR A SCARF.

NOT THAT A SCARF IS A BAD IDEA.

IT MAY NOT PREVENT YOU FROM GETTING THE VIRUS, BUT IF

YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW YOU HAVE IT, A SCARF WILL