STAND-UP COMEDIAN WHOSE BRAND

NEW BOOK "GIRL LOGIC" IS

AVAILABLE FOR PRE-ORDER NOW, AND

NEXT WEEK YOU CAN SEE HER

PERFORM LIVE AT THE NEW YORK

COMEDY FESTIVAL.

PLEASE WELCOME ILIZA SHLESINGER!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( BAND PLAYING )

>> THANK YOU!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THANK YOU!

THANK YOU!

ALL RIGHT, SO SOMETHING

INTERESTING THAT HAPPENED TO ME

RECENTLY, I GOT ENGAGED.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THANK YOU!

THANK YOU!

THAT IS A VERY NORMAL HUMAN

REACTION.

NORMALLY, WHEN YOU TELL PEOPLE

IN LOS ANGELES YOU GOT ENGAGED

THEY'RE, LIKE, GOOD FOR YOU...

ANYTHING, GOOD FOR YOU...

( LAUGHTER )

THAT ALWAYS BEGS THE NEXT

QUESTION, WHICH IS OBLIGATORY,

HOW DID YOU GUYS MEET?

NOBODY ACTUALLY CARES, RIGHT?

( LAUGHTER )

AND IT'S NEVER A DOPE STORY.

YOU'RE NEVER ASKED TO MEET, HOW

DID YOU MEET YOUR GIRL AND HE'S

LIKE, ALL RIGHT, SO, I WAS A

RAIDER OF THE LOST ARC, SHE WAS

THE BOULDER ROLLING AFTER ME,

FOUND A MUTUAL LOVE OF FLIPPING

HOUSES.

( LAUGHTER )

AND I CAN SAY THIS AS A WOMAN

WHO CHOSE TO BE SINGLE FOR A

VERY LONG TIME AS A FEMINIST, AS

A CHAMPION OF WOMEN, I GENUINELY

FEEL THAT WHEN WOMEN ASK ME HOW

DID YOU GUYS MEET, IT'S LESS

ABOUT A GENUINE PERSONAL INQUIRY

FOR ME AND IT'S MORE LIKE

THEY'RE DIGGING FOR CLUES, LIKE,

WHERE DID YOU FIND A SUITOR!

WE WISH TO KNOW!

YOU WALK INTO A TRADER JOES ON

SUNDAY BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN HOT

GIRLS GO GROCERY SHOPPING, I'M

BUYING FLOWERS FOR ME, RIGHT?

( LAUGHTER )

YOU WALK INTO TRADER JOES ON A

SUNDAY WITH A RING ON YOUR LEFT

HAND, WOMEN CAN FEEL THE

VIBRATIONS OF THAT RING AND THEY

COME OUT OF THE CRACKS IN THE

FLOOR IN FRESH YOGA PANTS AND

HIGHLIGHTED HAIR --

( SCREAMING BRCTS THERE ARE NO

SECRETS, I PROMISE YOU THIS.

IT'S NO SECRET TO MEETING A MAN.

I'M GOING TO BE 35 -- WHEN I GET

MARRIED, ALL RIGHT?

IF THERE'S A SECRET, I WOULD

HAVE USED IT, OKAY?

THERE'S NO SECT.

THERE'S NO MAGICAL SECRET.

I'M NEVER GOING TO BE, LIKE,

GATHER AROUND, LADIES!

OFF THE 405 LIES A TOE HOLD,

MUST GO TO IT!

( LAUGHTER )

ASK A GIRL HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR

GUY, WE WANT TO TELL YOU, WE GET

SO EXCITED.

WE WILL TELL YOU EVERYTHING.

EVERYTHING.

WE WILL TAKE IT BACK INFO YOU

DON'T NEED.

SITTING DOWN?

CHAPTER ONE, IN THE SEVENTH

GRADE, I SHOWED AN APTITUDE FOR

THE CLARINET -- LIKE WE TAKE IT

BACK!

( LAUGHTER )

MEN ARE LESS VERBAL.

YOU ASK A GUY HOW DID YOU MEET

YOUR GIRL AND TYPICALLY THE

STORIES SOUND ABOUT THE SAME.

IT'S ALWAYS, LIKE, ALL RIGHT, SO

I WAS OUTER WITH MY BUDDIES, AND

YOU KNOW ME, I WASN'T LOOKING

FOR ANYBODY.

( LAUGHTER )

AND THEN I SAW HER.

AND THAT BECOMES PART OF OUR

NARRATIVE AS WOMEN FOR BETTER OR

WORSE, THE OBJECTIVE OF BEING

SEEN.

WE GO OUT HOPING THAT A MAN WILL

PICK US, SAVE US, RESCUE US,

THAT HE WILL SEE US.

IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU A BAD

FEMINIST.

IT'S BIOLOGY.

YOU ALL GO OUT LOOKING FOR

SOMEONE.

YOU DRESS UP, PUT ON THE SPANKS,

YOU GO OUT LIKE A STARVING

COYOTE, PUT ON A LITTLE MEAT FOR

BAIT -- OVER HERE, BOYS!

SO THAT BEGS THE QUESTION THAT

ANY GOOD FEMINIST WOULD ASK,

LIKE, OKAY, WELL, WHY DO MEN

HAVE TO HIT ON US?

WHY CAN'T WE HIT ON MEN?

AND THE ANSWER IS, IT'S JUST NOT

OUR THING.

WOMEN ARE NOT GOOD WITH

REJECTION.

WITH REJECTION FROM FLIRTING,

WE'RE NOT GOOD WITH THAT.

WITH REJECTION WITH THINGS LIKE,

I DON'T KNOW, EQUAL WAGES,

GOVERNING OUR OWN BODIES, THAT

KIND OF IDEA, WE PUT UP WITH

THAT ALL THE TIME.

( APPLAUSE )

BUT MEN DEAL WITH REJECTION ON

THE REGULAR -- IT ROLLS OFF

THEIR BACK.

FOR MEN REJECTION IS A -- DATING

IS A QUANTITY NOT A QUALITY

GAME.

HEY, SWEETHEART.

NO.

YOU'RE UGLY ANYWAY.

HEY, HOW ABOUT YOU?

BECAUSE HE'S PLAYING THE ODDS.

HE KNOWS IF HE HITS ON 20 WOMEN,

ONE OF THEM, AT THE BUZZER, WHEN

THE LIGHTS GO UP, HOW ABOUT YOU?

OKAY, BUT CAN WE WASH BEFORE WE

MAKE LOVE?

AND THE GUY IS LIKE, OKAY, TAKE

MY HAND, I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT MY

COMPANY HERBAL LIFE, MOSTLY

SUPPLEMENTS.

( LAUGHTER )

WOMEN DON'T WORK THROUGH

REJECTION, WE HOLD ON TO IT.

EVERY WOMAN HAS DONE THIS.

WE PLUCK THAT REJECTION FROM OUR

PAST AND WE HOLD O ON TO IT SO

TIGHT IT BECOMES PART OF US AND

THEN WE GET TO USE THAT

REJECTION AS AN EXCUSE FOR WHY

WE ARE THE SPECIAL BRAND OF

WEIRD THAT ARE NOW.

HE BROKE UP WITH ME OVER

BREAKFAST SO NOW I DON'T DRINK

MILK AND I'M ANNOYING!

IT'S SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

( LAUGHTER )

WE TAKE EACH INSTANCE AND WE

HOLD ON TO ALL OF THEM, EACH

REJECTION IS ITS OWN THING AND

WE PLUCK IT OUT OF SPACE TIME,

LABEL IT ON A MASON JAR, PIN IT

AND PUT EACH ONE INTO OUR SACK

OF EMOTIONS.

HE BROKE UP WITH ME ON A PLANE

SO I PRETEND TO BE AFRAID OF

HEIGHTS FOR ATTENTION.

I CAN'T MEET YOUR BROTHER,

ALREADY SLEPT WITH HIM, WHOOPSIE

DAISY.

DON'T TOUCH MY THIGHS.

WE PUT THEM INTO THIS SAD SACK

OF EMOTION AND WHAT DO WE DO, WE

ALL DO IT, WE THROW IT OVER OUR

SHOULDER AND WE WHAT?

WE WALK IT INTO THE NEW

RELATIONSHIP!

AND THE BEST PART, IS TRICK OR

TREAT, THE NEW BOYFRIEND HAS NO

IDEA!

( LAUGHTER )

NO IDEA!

AND HE'S LIKE, OMIGOD, SHE SEEMS

SO COOL AND WELL ADJUSTED!

AND I'M, LIKE, I AM, THIS SEEMS

A NICE PLACE FOR ME TO -- UNPACK

MY CRAP!

( LAUGHTER )

THANK YOU SO MUCH GUYS!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> James: LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN, ILIZA SCHLESINGER,

EVERYBODY!

THE BOOK IS "GIRL LOGIC,"

AVAILABLE FOR PRE-ORDER NOW!