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  • -Hello, everyone, and welcome back to my attic crawl space.

  • Of course now that we've shifted

  • our makeshift studio to this location,

  • there's one question that has preoccupied our audience

  • perhaps more than any other and that's, "What's up...

  • What's up with that tiny little door over there?"

  • I mean, is it where we keep the kids' toys?

  • Or is it a Wonka door?

  • And if it's a Wonka door, is the tiny chair --

  • right there -- is that for an Oompa Loompa,

  • waiting to roll me away to the juicing room

  • after eating an everlasting gobstopper?

  • Who knows?

  • The only thing I know is that I'll never tell.

  • Anyway, you'll have plenty of time to speculate

  • because we'll be doing these "Closer Looks" here for a while.

  • Public health officials are urging Americans

  • to continue observing social distancing rules

  • even as the president and his son-in-law

  • contradict those experts

  • and spread dangerous misinformation.

  • For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."

  • ♪♪

  • Well, we're less than a week into the month of April.

  • There's really no way of knowing what day it is.

  • Every day is a week and every week is a year

  • and now April just means -- I don't know -- Tuesday?

  • The calendar app on my phone

  • is just a shrug emoji holding a glass of wine.

  • But if it is, in fact, April, then that's great news,

  • because if you remember,

  • when public health officials were first warning

  • about the coming outbreak of the coronavirus,

  • the President reassured us all by saying this.

  • -The virus. They're working hard.

  • Looks like, by April, you know, in theory,

  • when it gets a little warmer, it miraculously goes away.

  • I hope that's true.

  • Now, the virus that we're talking about having to do,

  • you know, a lot of people think that goes away in April

  • with the heat, as the heat comes in.

  • Typically, that will go away in April.

  • We're in great shape, though.

  • -President Xi -- I know you spoke to him

  • recently about coronavirus. -I did.

  • -Some concerns that their economy

  • is really going to tank because of this,

  • and that that could have a spillover effect here.

  • What's your sense of their transparency right now,

  • whether they're being more accommodating in terms

  • of telling us what's going on, and how it affects our economy?

  • -Well, I think China is very, you know, professionally run

  • in the sense that they have everything under control.

  • I really believe they are going to have it

  • under control fairly soon.

  • You know, in April, supposedly, it dies with the hotter weather.

  • And that's a beautiful date to look forward to.

  • -First of all, you can tell my man

  • spends too much time at Mar-A-Lago

  • because he thinks April is when it gets hot.

  • "In February, the trees begin to bloom, and by April,

  • I mean, you can barely touch your steering wheel."

  • But, yes, it's a beautiful day to look forward to.

  • I remember when we all got

  • that lovely save-the-date in the mail.

  • By the way, the anchor who conducted that last interview

  • was since fired Fox Business host Trish Regan

  • who called coronavirus an impeachment scam.

  • Remember her? Evil Connie Britton?

  • "Friday Night Lights"

  • would have been a totally different show with her.

  • "Your team sucks, coach, and so do you.

  • Also, it's high school football. Who cares?

  • You know what I say?

  • 'Dumb eyes, fat hearts can lose.'

  • I'm outta wine."

  • But credit to Fox News who will not hesitate to fire

  • a host who peddles dangerous conspiracy theories

  • as long as they're not Sean Insanity.

  • Because Hannity will probably end his show tonight

  • telling people that snorting Advil

  • is both a cure for coronavirus and erectile dysfunction.

  • And after that they'll give him a raise.

  • "Great stuff with the Advil tonight, Sean.

  • Where'd it come from?"

  • "Would you believe I pulled it out of my ass?"

  • "That ass of yours, Sean, it is a --

  • it is a bottomless gold mine.

  • Keep up the great work."

  • Now, in the time Trump was dismissing the virus

  • and claiming it would go away,

  • he was repeatedly warned by intelligence briefings

  • that this was a real threat.

  • And in that time, "The Washington Post"

  • reported his administration was beset by 70 days

  • of denial, delays, and dysfunction.

  • 70 days.

  • And that's charitable, because for Trump, you could say

  • it's been 70 years of dysfunction.

  • When he was born, the doctor spanked him on the butt

  • to hear him cry, and instead, Trump called him nasty

  • and served him with a lawsuit.

  • "There's an expression I use -- 'wah.'

  • Some people say I invented it."

  • That's baby Trump.

  • In a normal world, a story about a 70-day delay

  • in the face of a pandemic would be cause

  • for impeachment or removal or,

  • at the very least, embarrassment and shame.

  • But the President insisted that April would be the magic date

  • so we could all just look forward to that.

  • So let's check in on his daily mini-MAGA

  • rally in the White House briefing room on Saturday

  • to see how that prediction is working out.

  • -This will be probably the toughest week

  • between this week and next week.

  • And there will be a lot of death, unfortunately.

  • But a lot less death than if this wasn't done.

  • But there will be death.

  • -There will be death?

  • That's kind of a 180.

  • Everything was going to be fine, and now you sound

  • like the captain of the wrestling team

  • who just saw a nerd dancing with his girlfriend.

  • "There will be death."

  • [ Grunts ] It's a beer can.

  • What happened to April?

  • "It's become clear now that the end date

  • we had been promised was, in fact, an April Fool's joke

  • pulled on us by the virus.

  • So now we know corona to be both highly contagious

  • as well as mischievous in spirit.

  • A Loki, if you will."

  • Now, you might hear that new tone and think,

  • "Oh, I guess the President, like any decent human being,

  • has admitted he was wrong, made amends by doing everything

  • he can to rectify the situation, and apologized."

  • And if you are thinking that,

  • congratulations on waking up from your 3 1/2 year coma,

  • but bad news -- there's this thing called coronavirus.

  • Anyway, your doctor will tell you.

  • Because, as usual, Trump insisted that he was right

  • when he said the virus would simply go away.

  • -You look at those individual statements, they're all true.

  • Stay calm.

  • Uh, it will go away.

  • You know -- You know it is going away.

  • And it will go away.

  • -The President was saying this was going to go away.

  • It's April. -It is going to go away.

  • -But, Mr. President, you said it was going to

  • go away in April. -I didn't say a date.

  • -I said it's going away, and it is going away.

  • -Ah, yes, very clever.

  • After all, April as 24 days left,

  • and it's already down to,

  • what -- I don't know -- 337,000 cases.

  • And you did.

  • You literally said it goes away in April.

  • That's as close to specific as Trump ever gets.

  • Usually when you ask him a question,

  • he waves it away like a dad promising his kids

  • a trip to Disneyland while watching football.

  • "Dad, will we have universal healthcare?"

  • "Yeah, it's going to be so easy, it's going to be a blast.

  • Now go upstairs and oil your hair before dinner."

  • And then, last week, the media fell for his fake

  • somber Trump shtick

  • and asked him if his thinking had changed from

  • when he said the virus would go away in April.

  • -Is there any fairness to the criticism

  • that you may have lulled Americans

  • into a false sense of security when you were saying things like

  • it's going to go away... -Well, it is.

  • -...and that sort of thing. -Jim, it's going away.

  • -But when you were saying -- -It's going to go away.

  • Hopefully at the end of the month and if not,

  • it hopefully will be soon after that.

  • -But -- -So it is going away.

  • -Has your thinking on this evolved?

  • -It is going away.

  • -Has your thinking on this evolved?

  • You're taking it more seriously now?

  • -I think, from the beginning, my attitude was that

  • we have to give this country -- I know how bad it was.

  • All you have to do is look at what was going on in China.

  • -First of all, no, you didn't know how bad it was.

  • You treated coronavirus like a [bleep]

  • high school baseball coach talking to a kid

  • who just got hit by a line drive to the head.

  • "How many fingers am I holding up?"

  • "I don't know. 50?"

  • "He's good to go! Get him back in there."

  • Of course his thinking hasn't evolved.

  • He's barely evolved. I mean, look at him,

  • he looks like one of those early tetrapods

  • that crawled out of the water and learned how to walk on land,

  • but then he didn't learn how to hunt or fish

  • so he ended up just walking around

  • in circles like a dude waiting for a crosstown bus.

  • "Anyone know when the M15 is coming?

  • Canceled? Why?

  • Because of coronavirus?

  • But it's April."

  • So Trump insists he was right when he said it would go away

  • possibly by the end of this month.

  • Now, you could either believe him

  • or you could believe Bill Gates.

  • -Well, this is a nightmare scenario

  • because human-to-human transmissible

  • respiratory viruses can grow exponentially.

  • We continue countrywide, and we're testing the right people

  • to understand what's going on, which is not the case yet,

  • those numbers will start to go down.

  • And then, we can look at some degree of opening back up.

  • Things won't go back to truly normal until we have a vaccine

  • that we've gotten out to basically the entire world.

  • -So there you go. Who are you going to believe,

  • the pioneer of the microcomputer revolution

  • who founded Microsoft

  • and is currently working on ending polio and malaria?

  • Or the guy who once tweeted,

  • "Victoria's Secret reps were nasty to Kate Upton,

  • and now she's doing great."

  • That tweet was from 2013,

  • and while I don't know what it's about,

  • I am genuinely, genuinely curious,

  • and I intend to do some Google investigating as soon as this

  • [bleep] pandemic is over.

  • Also, why were you commenting on that?

  • Is that what you used to spend your time on

  • before you became president?

  • "Mr. Trump, we're ready to shoot 'The Apprentice.'"

  • "Yeah, quiet. I'm taking sides in Upton v. Secret."

  • And now in part because the president

  • waved away the problem for 70 days,

  • we're facing both an unimaginable tragedy

  • and also an economic collapse

  • that has already resulted in the worst weekly jobless

  • claims numbers we've ever seen, and yet Americans

  • are still having trouble accessing government benefits.

  • Just take this story from "The New York Times"

  • about one applicant who saw jobless benefits

  • and was told to find a fax machine.

  • Some attempts to apply for benefits

  • yielded a pop-up message that suggested using Netscape,

  • a browser that effectively no longer exists.

  • One applicant said he was taken aback to hear

  • he had to find a fax machine to complete his claim.

  • My God, it's 2020, in the richest country on Earth,

  • but if you need government benefits you have to go

  • on an early '90s treasure hunt.

  • "Hey, guys, I found a clue.

  • If financial aid you wish to get, find yourself a Giga Pet."

  • They have to use Netscape and fax machines.

  • What if they want to apply in person?

  • Do they have to go to a Hollywood Video?

  • "Great. Okay. Thank you for this.

  • Now, the last thing you need to do before you collect

  • your benefits is watch this VHS copy of 'Gremlins.'

  • That will be followed by a short quiz just so,

  • you know, we're sure you understand the Gremlin rules

  • in regards to, you know, sunlight and water,

  • you know, when is a safe time to feed them."

  • That's a "Gremlin" bit that I would not have done

  • if we were in the studio.

  • But this is not some accident of history.

  • There's a reason you can get a package of alcohol wipes

  • from Amazon in 48 hours,

  • but to apply for unemployment benefits from the government,

  • you have to download MS-DOS.

  • The reason is that billionaires and corporations

  • have hollowed out our public infrastructure

  • with the help of corporate ghouls

  • in the political establishment.

  • Now companies like Amazon are more powerful

  • than our decrepit federal government.

  • In fact, our sadistic President Jigsaw over here

  • won't even help the millions of people

  • who still don't have health insurance

  • get that insurance during a pandemic.

  • One study found that uninsured Americans

  • could be facing nearly $75,000 in medical bills

  • if hospitalized for coronavirus,

  • and yet Trump has refused to open a special enrollment period

  • on the Obamacare Marketplace for people to buy health insurance.

  • Now, to be clear, if you had insurance through your job

  • and lost it, you can buy insurance

  • on the Obamacare Marketplace.

  • This is for people who are uninsured that,

  • if they were to get sick,

  • they could be ruined financially.

  • And Donald Trump knows a thing or two

  • about being ruined financially because remember --

  • he's done it, like, six times.

  • He's gone bankrupt so many times,

  • he's close to getting a free sub.

  • And that would mean the world to him.

  • And, yet, sadly, Trump lost the part of his brain

  • responsible for empathy years ago

  • when he tried to squeeze himself into a golf cart

  • and bumped his head on the roof.

  • "I'm going to give you all bonuses

  • because every life is precious and everyone deserves to be --

  • Ow. Ohh.

  • Also, if you ever need a ventilator,

  • go [bleep] yourself!"

  • So, last week, when he was asked

  • why he wouldn't reopen the Obamacare Exchange,

  • he turned the question over to Mike Pence

  • and then bragged that Pence had found a way to talk

  • for five minutes without answering the question.

  • -Could you tell us what the rationale was

  • behind that decision and what you have as an alternative?

  • -Okay, they took that up under the task force.

  • And maybe, Mike, you want to say a few words about that?

  • -Well, thank you, Mr. President.

  • And what I can tell you is that the President has made

  • a priority from the outset of our task force's work

  • to make sure every American knows

  • that they can have a coronavirus

  • and they don't have to worry about the cost.

  • We're -- We're inspired by the spirit of American businesses.

  • Grocery stores made a commitment to the President a month ago

  • that no grocery store in America would close down.

  • The food supply is strong.

  • We're getting food on the table of every American.

  • -I think it's one of the greatest answers I've ever heard

  • because Mike was able to speak for five minutes

  • and not even touch your question.

  • I said, that's what you call a great professional.

  • -Professional liar.

  • "That's what you call a great professional liar."

  • And it is true, man.

  • Pence is great at looking grave and solemnly shaking his head

  • and talking in hushed tones and acting like

  • he's the president in a [bleep] low-budget miniseries

  • about an asteroid headed towards Earth.

  • "Mr. President, what are you gonna do to stop the asteroid?"

  • "I can assure you that we're doing everything in our power

  • to make sure Americans can still buy essential groceries

  • like Doritos and -- and Pop-Tarts."

  • "uh, what does that have to do

  • with the asteroid, Mr. President?"

  • "Pop-Tarts are the quintessential American meal.

  • First introduced in the 1960s by..."

  • Also think about -- think about

  • how much of a sociopath you have to be

  • to brag that you didn't answer a question

  • about whether Americans can get health care during a pandemic.

  • I know, I'm not a psychologist, but if someone

  • gets on my subway car wearing a newspaper hat

  • and carrying a soiled teddy bear, I don't think,

  • "oh, cool. Another businessman headed to Wall Street."

  • Trump's like a public defender sitting next to his client

  • during a murder interrogation saying,

  • "Notice how he hasn't confessed yet?

  • I mean, and this guy -- this guy right here,

  • he loves to brag, a real sicko.

  • Hey, tell him how you secretly write your name

  • in your victim's diary.

  • What? Be quiet? You couldn't stop talking about it earlier.

  • Oh, I'm sorry. Now it's a secret."

  • So, if he won't even offer millions of Americans

  • basic health insurance during a deadly pandemic,

  • what is Trump offering?

  • Well, like a true huckster,

  • he's selling them an unproven medication

  • that's still in clinical trials, telling people to try it

  • even though it could have dangerous side effects

  • before it's approved by actual medical professionals.

  • -And I hope they use the hydroxychloroquine,

  • and they can also do it with Z-Pak,

  • subject to your doctor's approval and all of that,

  • but I hope they use it, because I'll tell what.

  • What do you have to lose?

  • There's a possibility, a possibility.

  • And I say it. What do you have to lose?

  • I'll say it again. What do you have to lose? Take it.

  • I really think they should take it. But it's their choice.

  • And it's their doctor's choice or the doctors in the hospital.

  • But hydroxychloroquine.

  • Try it. If you'd like.

  • -Jesus.

  • We've been calling Trump a snake-oil salesman for years,

  • and now he's literally standing at a podium

  • trying to sell us a miracle cure.

  • "They call it hydroxychloroquine!

  • And let me tell ya, folks, it's a genuine

  • all-purpose miracle cure.

  • Hey, you, sir! You look like you want to say something."

  • "Yes, I tried it,

  • and both my acne and my coronavirus went away!"

  • "And you and I have never met, sir!

  • So, there you have it, folks. There you have it.

  • What have ya got to lose?"

  • By the way, you know Trump and his buddies

  • own stock in hydroxychloroquine because it's a six-syllable word

  • and he didn't stumble on it once.

  • Of course it makes sense that a lifelong con artist

  • like Trump would push another miracle cure.

  • I mean, this is the same guy who sold people

  • scam vitamin supplements based on a urine test --

  • not made up, a real thing.

  • How would you even tailor vitamins

  • based on someone's urine, anyway?

  • By sniffing it? [ Sniffs ]

  • "Smells like you're... eating too much asparagus.

  • Here. Try some beef pills. They're just tiny meatballs."

  • Now, obviously, it would be terrific news

  • if a genuine antiviral medication

  • was proven successful in clinical trials,

  • and we're all hoping that happens as soon as possible.

  • But it is dangerous to go on TV

  • and tell people to just try a medication

  • before that medication is proven safe and effective.

  • And yet Trump is doing it anyway

  • because he's already failed to supply

  • other lifesaving equipment like ventilators.

  • At this very moment, states are fighting each other

  • in a perverse bidding war

  • with a total lack of federal leadership,

  • and the point man in charge of the ventilator disaster

  • is Trump's own personal Tom Wambsgans.

  • Jared Kushner, everybody's favorite Botox 9-year-old.

  • You know, the real-life Jack Skellington?

  • The fellow who's always lurking in the background

  • of every White House photo like a stalker

  • who suddenly appears in the mirror

  • when you close your medicine cabinet?

  • The only guy in the world who creeps out Stephen Miller?

  • "Jared!

  • Don't frighten me like that, Jared!

  • Don't creep on a creeper."

  • Over the last few days, Trump has openly admitted

  • that New York may not have enough ventilators to save lives

  • and called the federal government just a backup...

  • while Kushner insisted the national stockpile

  • doesn't belong to states.

  • -Governor Cuomo was saying that New York

  • may be days away from running out of ventilators.

  • Can you assure New York that going into next week,

  • that they're going to have the ventilators

  • that they're going to need? -No.

  • They should have had more ventilators at the time.

  • They should have had more ventilators.

  • We happen to think that,

  • uh, he's well-served with ventilators.

  • We're going to find out.

  • And we're backup. Remember, we're a backup.

  • -And the notion of the federal stockpile

  • was it's supposed to be our stockpile.

  • It's not supposed to be states' stockpiles that they then use.

  • -Oh, that makes sense. It's like my doorman told me --

  • the front door belongs to the building.

  • It's not for the people in the apartment.

  • So if you want to go to work so bad,

  • climb down the fire escape.

  • Seriously, it's YOUR stockpile?

  • Are you writing your name on them like you're

  • leaving your lunch in the office fridge?

  • "Guys, come on! Who ate half my burrito?!

  • It had my name on it.

  • And who crossed out 'Kush' and wrote 'douche'?

  • Guys, 'Kush' and 'douche,' they don't even rhyme.

  • I know it's a near-rhyme, Janet.

  • I thought you were better than near-rhymes, all right?"

  • They're not yours. They're ours.

  • The sniveling weasel thinks everything belongs to him

  • because he was born into a rich family like his father-in-law.

  • I'm shocked we haven't seen something called a Kushn-ilator

  • pop up on Craigslist.

  • What we're seeing right now is a feeble government

  • hollowed out by billionaires and corporations

  • and run by a lifelong scam artist

  • advocating federal leadership and leaving states

  • and courageous health-care workers to fend for themselves.

  • One lesson we're all learning from this

  • is that, generally speaking,

  • it's better not to be governed by sociopaths.

  • And the day they finally leave office will be a...

  • -Beautiful day to look forward to.

  • -This has been "A Closer Look."

  • City Harvest exists to end hunger

  • in communities throughout New York City.

  • They are working hard to support New York City families

  • who are out of work due to the COVID-19 pandemic.

  • If you're watching this on YouTube,

  • please hit the "donate" button.

  • Stay safe. Wash your hands. We love you.

-Hello, everyone, and welcome back to my attic crawl space.

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