obviously quite a task...

I think I'm very resilient. I don't complain. I do feel that, you know, if the situation is quite stressful that you

tend to kind of shut down? And you know, I think I'm really able to kind of look after you in that situation

you know, to make it... to make it okay for you.

I like doing that, but um, I do think it is something that maybe could be like better acknowledged.

Um I guess I tend to shut down

Um which can be quite alarming to some people because I just get really silent and really quiet.

But actually I'd say what I'm doing is kind of stepping back and

just thinking about

my reaction because I don't want to be too rash, you know. I don't really cope very well with stress

I do tend to panic, but it's just a case of...

Overtime of maturing and realizing that's how I react. I just feel much better when you're panicking inside

as terrifying as that sounds...

I do know that I can be quite...

like bossy

Um maybe like to the point of being quite controlling, and I could in our

relationship...

I don't know, I'm not saying that it excuses it.

But I do think that after dad died, it was just, it felt like everything kind of shattered and

the sense of family somehow

disintegrated and...

There was this sense that like mum just, I don't know, like she couldn't really hold it together, and

as the oldest, it felt like it was kind of really on my shoulders to

you know, keep everyone safe and to kind of almost be a bit of a mother.

I... I do feel that maybe there is a sense I kind of I carry that on now still like I... I take on that role.

Getting used to basically up sticks and leave Bristol because of my new job, and I still feel really guilty about

you know, essentially forcing you to leave everything behind.

Um as far as I remember, I don't think I really even asked you.

I mean, I was just kind of looking at places and but I think in the back of my mind at the time, I

was thinking it I should probably talk to you about it but

deep down like

It's kind of worried that you

wouldn't be up for it, which is obviously very selfish of me, but I just realized I couldn't... there's no way I could do without you.

See, I... I'm sorry, and I hope you can forgive me.

I think what I actually end up finding really...

difficult and challenging

is...

when suddenly we go from our kind of kind of private sphere

into the public one,

say

I don't know with friends or family,

and it feels as if the dynamic is suddenly really different. If I'm being, I don't know, maybe too uptight or something.

It seems as if you want to...

make fun of that and undermine me, and I can find that quite humiliating.

Because I feel like when we're together in public,

I feel... I feel like I'm your child. Like you're my mother and you've brought me along, and you're kind of a bit annoyed that I'm there and I

just feel a bit inferior.

And so I guess to kind of gain some kind of superiority or some kind of ground, I end up...

try, you know, be a bit laddy and making fun of you, and so I guess if we have that kind of mutual

respect

when around public then maybe

that... that would kind of help.

When you're really there, and we really talk, I feel so truly understood. That's so important

and I've never felt that with anyone else. I know that I can be a little bit

rigid and

maybe

like without your sense of

Humor and fun, I think

My life would be a lot less colorful.

I'm quite naturally a very chaotic person, and you bring me a lot of structure and

I can also be very selfish, and I mean of all the people, I know you'll probably the most, well you are, the most selfless.

Sometimes when I feel myself being selfish, I think what would you be thinking?

How would you react? I do look to you every day as a kind of example of how to be and

if I didn't have that I

Don't really know I don't know how I coped before so I guess was there I can't imagine

My life without you and if you want, it hasn't really think that

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